Dear Saturn,
We're over 40 days into ROW80, so I figured it was time for another update. I know you get upset if you don't receive updates on a regular basis. Well, get over it. I wasn't inspired to write to you until now.
John's a little bit behind, but as you know with me, appearances can be deceiving. I'm beginning to see why you like this guy so much. He's really put a lot of effort into writing. Sure, he's a few cards down at the moment, but he's done some inspired writing. He hasn't gone back to edit it once and doesn't even read the past pieces of the book he's already done. What will really piss you off is that he's picking the cards at random that he's going to do next! At RANDOM! No order, no structure, no restrictions...he's just taking a card and writing the sonofabitch. I'm sure it makes your skin crawl, but I love the anarchy of it! Did you hear me? TOTAL AND COMPLETE REBELLION AGAINST THE STATUS QUO AND RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT! Oh, sorry...I was channeling my inner Uranus for a minute. My bad.
I must admit that I couldn't be happier. That's not exactly true--I could be, maybe, if John paid my bar tabs, but in true Saturn style, he has steadfastly refused. At least you'd be happy he's watching his bottom line; thanks to you, he's still as stingy as ever. No wonder why you can't let loose and have a good time, you piker. Was King Midas one of yours, too? I digress...
John's writing is truly inspired now. And that's one of the many things you can't provide him. I know the Sun kicked your ass a while back for getting above yourself, but we ALL have our role in John's life. I get the feeling you don't want to hear that but somehow you MUST accept it. You ought to follow Mercury on Twitter and see some of what he's been saying about you. Ugly stuff, Old Man. Maybe you'd better wait until after his retrograde is over; he has been a bastard! But you know Mercury--he just can't shut his yap for two seconds.
Anyway, I'm off like a prom dress; college students are going back to campus and you can bet that I'll be helping them escape from the rigors of their academic "efforts", although I use that term loosely. If you can fit me into your busy schedule--you know, between creating more red tape, auditing the world's finances, and generally being a bore, that type of thing--drop me a line and let me know how your "vacation" is going.
Believe,
Neptune
PS: I've been talking to some of the other planets, and we're going to try to find you a different costume for the Sun's Halloween Gala this year. Father Time is SO...well, not with the times, and that's HARDLY a costume for you. That's like John wearing jeans. I'll make you a deal: Dress up as Snooki from "The Jersey Shore" and I'll pay you $100. You KNOW you can't turn down cold hard cash, Old Man. That's half of what I will get from Jupiter--I bet him $200 that I can get you to wear something totally inappropriate.
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