Birthday Greetings from Saturn and Neptune

Saturn: Good morning, John. On behalf of Neptune and myself, we wish you the most fulsome and hearty congratulations on the occasion of this, your 41^st birthday. It is our sincere hope that you enjoy this day and the year to follow.

[PAUSE]

Neptune: Is that it?

S: Yes.

N: Wow. Could you be any more lame?

S: We discussed this, Neptune. We were concerned about your uncontrolled nature taking over and saying something inappropriate.

N: My memory is pretty good, Old Man. My recollection of the conversation was that I tried to give you ideas on what to say to John and you cut me off with “I will brook no resistance on this matter,” or some shit like that.

S: I was right. You’re already swearing.

N: Dude, your birthday greetings sound like words. How about making them sound like you really want him to have a great day? When I heard what you said, you know what I thought?

S: No, and I don’t care to, if you don’t mind.  

N: Tough shit, Mr. Stodgy, I’m going to tell you anyway. My first thought was, “Ask your doctor which hemorrhoidal ointment is right for you.” When you tell someone “Happy birthday!” it should be joyous, not scripted.

S: I understand how you feel, Neptune, but I don’t appreciate your unfair characterization of me. I was going for lofty, dignified, and polished. That’s what he deserves.

N: Dude, have you met John? He is probably pissing himself laughing at you right now.

S: Look, I was hoping we could work together on this one. “For we dare not meet a powerful challenge at odds, and split asunder.” JFK said that.

N: If by us working “together”, you mean that I blindly agree to everything you want to say, you’ve achieved it. And NOW you’re quoting JFK? In the immortal words of Samantha Harvey, “BITE ME, SPANKY!” This isn’t a fucking term paper; it’s a PERSON.

S: I’m appalled, Neptune, truly appalled at your lack of decency. Saturn-ruled people go for conservative and dignified, and that’s what I’m giving him.

N: When will you get it through your head that humans are NOT one-dimensional? I’m sure there’s at least several hours a day when John doesn’t think about being “conservative and dignified”.

S: Allright, Neptune. As much as it pains me to ask, what would YOU have said?

N: Probably something like, “John…dude, you fucking rock! And I hope your birthday fucking rocks the house! Go out and have a few drinks and live it up like you’re not 41, because age is just a number!” Isn’t that so much better than, “John…you are another year older, and as Father Time I cheerfully recognize that fact and remind you that you’re even closer to death than last year!”?

S: You just don’t understand. I don’t do emotion.

N: And I do, which is why I agreed to work with you so John doesn’t think you’ve even more ridiculous than he already does. He should listening to the Beatles’ birthday song like once an hour for the whole day and have that spring in his step because it’s his special day. And shouldn’t Pluto be here? Pluto rules Scorpios. Or Mars? Did you ask either of them to be here?

S: I didn’t think it was necessary.

N: Huh. I see. Well here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let the Sun know that you’re overstepping again, and I’ll talk to Pluto and maybe Mars about their birthday greetings. Perhaps they want in.

S: Please don’t say anything to anyone. I wasn’t overstepping…I just get very particular about what I feel my obligations are.

 
N: And you felt obliged to cut everyone else out except you and me? Sounds selfish to me. I’m taking off now, you arrogant windbag. John…if you’re still listening, YOU ROCK! Have a birthday shot for me!

S: I'd like to urge you not to get shot, John, today or any day.