Planetary Blog Tour: Mercury's Manic Musical Musings

Hi there! Hope you've enjoyed this blog tour! Setting it up was a lot of fun and the fact that we all worked together, well...that never happens! So it was cool.

Anyway, I've got my list last for you now. I mean, I'm the last list you'll see on this topic. Just making sure I was clear...I'm in retrograde now and things are starting to be very fuzzy in my world so I'll go for short and sweet here.

1) "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)" by Jim Croce--This is one of the first songs John remembered as a child, and it was one of his parents' favorite artists. Of course, many of us don't even know what an operator is anymore, or remember that Ma Bell started all this. 

2) "867-5309 Jenny" by Tommy Tutone--During the 80s we couldn't stop listening to this song. I mean, it was insane. Anyone who had that number but have been inundated with prank calls! Nowadays, everyone just texts, you know?

3) "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore?" by Prince and Alicia Keys--Both versions have their appeal, but the reason no one calls is because everyone is texting. I thought I said that earlier!

4) "Pennsylvania 6-5000" by the Glenn Miller Orchestra--Ah yes, big band in the age of numbers that involved the name of a state! Damn, that was a long time ago. Fun little tune, though. The band actually has to shout the title at various times during the song, which John will tell you from personal experience is rather irritating and takes away from the overall experience. 

5) "Crosstown Traffic" by Jimi Hendrix--I really enjoy this tune. Thankfully my commute is a short one. Folks who live in big cities probably wouldn't say the same, unless you're taking public transit, another one of the areas I cover. 

6) "www.email.com" by Prince--When the Internet was starting to become self-aware...I mean, when it was starting to grown in accessibility and popularity, Prince came out with this smooth cool hit.

7) "Communication Breakdown" by Led Zeppelin--This song is all about me right now. It's much harder to avoid when I'm in retrograde, right?

8) "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees--A fantastic hit from the era of disco and Saturday night fever. Glad I wasn't the bass player...I tried it once on Rock Band and it was a total bitch kitty!

9) The group "Talking Heads" and their album "Speaking in Tongues--How awesome is that??

10) "Traveling Without Moving" by Jamiroquai--The song is unexpectedly good! Who knew?

Anyway, hope I'm not treating you too badly. And if I didn't apologize yet for anything I might do to your life...sorry!

Thanks for tuning in for the blog hop! John will be back once he manages to recover from his vacation! :)  

PS Oh shit...I forgot that I'm "Mercury, the Messenger" in Holst's "The Planets" suite. Whatever. 

Planetary Blog Tour: The Moon's Musical Musings

Hello and well met, everyone...I'm the Moon and it's a pleasure to be here. I must admit it's a tad bit unsettling, knowing that all of you are going to read this. But I'll try to work through it on this "Moon"day. :)

Anyway, here are some musical selections for you to ponder.

1) "Mother" by the Police--While not portraying mothers in a particularly good light, this song is goofy and interesting, and it's done in a weird time signature--7/8 time, maybe? Listen and you'll see what I'm talking about. 

2) "Mitternacht" by E Nomine--I know many of you probably wouldn't think I'd like a song named "Midnight" by a German techno pop artist, but this is a guilty pleasure of mine. It reminds John of a loud goth club he read tarot a few times back after he started his professional reading career. So glad he got out of that place!

3) "Under a Violet Moon" by Blackmore's Night--A lovely tune, this one! I probably hear it once or twice a week at least. 

4) "Black Moonlight" by Bing Crosby--If you're a fan of the Fallout New Vegas game, you'll recognize this one. Old school can be the best sometimes...but I've really got to be in the mood for it. 

5) "So Emotional" by Whitney Houston--Say what you will about this lady's life and death, she was pure, raw talent. And love can do that to us...trust me!

6) "I Second that Emotion" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles--This phrase has worked its way into popular culture since this song came out during Motown's heyday. But it never fails to put a smile on my face. 

7) "Loveless Love" by Kid Ory's Creole Jazz Band--A New Orleans jazz classic! Who says you have to have words to convey emotion? OK, maybe Mercury does...but let me reassure you that even a song without words can move you. Listen to the raw clarinet solo in this one...that tells you all you need to know about how much passion these musicians had. 

8) "Blue Moon" by a whole bunch of people--Originally written by Rodgers and Hart, this song has been covered many many times, by Dean Martina nd Elvis, among others. It also made an appearance in the movie "Grease" sung by none other than Sha Na Na. No matter when it comes up, I love it. NOTE: The version by the Ventures is peppier than most, and has no words. But it doesn't need them. 

9) "Do You Want to Know a Secret?" by the Beatles. I can keep secrets well, and I always seem to have a knowing grin during meetings when people don't know what's coming, but I do. I listen very well and I keep my mouth shut...imagine what you could learn by doing the same!

10) "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra--I love the sounds of old lounge singers, and this song fits the bill. Who wouldn't want to be near the Moon? 

Thanks for being so patient and understanding as a ramble along. If you have other Moon-related songs, please let me know in the comments and John will pass them along. 

Planetary Blog Tour: The Sun Takes the Reins

Hi everyone...the leader of the astrological planets here! Glad to be with you today to shed some light on my musical favorites. 

Originally, I wasn't supposed to be doing one of these, but it sounded like fun! And since it was Sunday, that helped make up my mind! So here goes:

1) "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles--A total classic in every sense of the word.

2) "You are the Sunshine of My Life" by Stevie Wonder--Just that phrase alone should make you smile and feel warm. 

3) "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden--I wasn't sure I'd like this tune, but it's got some very nice intensity, especially toward the end. 

4) "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama--The summer sure can be cruel these days if you don't wear sunscreen and be careful out there! No melanoma or sun poisoning for you!

5) "Albino Sunburned Girl" by Ween--See #4. What are you doing taking such health risks, young lady?

6) Anything by the Suntones, a fantastic a cappella group from way back. I'm a big fan of their version of "This is My Country" and "Danny Boy". Sounds like one person singing. 

7) "Walkin' on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves--This is a totally rad 80s hit that is infectious. If I was more malicious, I'd leave Saturn voice mails of this song to piss him off. 

8) "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth--I heard this song so often that I had to wonder if people understood they'd be dead long before they got close enough to walk on me. Hmmm. 

9) "Beyond the Sunset" by Blackmore's Night--Gorgeous guitar work on this piece! I've gotta be in the right mood for it, though.

10) "Sunrise, Sunset" from the "Fiddler on the Roof" Soundtrack. Who could forget this powerful tune that really anchors the show? 

Anyway, I'm glad to have the opportunity to help John bask in the sun, at least metaphorically speaking. :)

Planetary Blog Tour: Saturn Speaks of Songs

Hello everyone...since everyone else is playing by the rules, or at least they appear to be at present, I'll play along. That way they can't accuse me of being, well...whatever they call someone who has the taste and refinement that they don't possess, I guess.

My musical selections may seem strange to you, but at least you won't have other planets or John criticizing them. So here they are:

1) "You Haven't Done Nothin'" by Stevie Wonder--An amazing and talented musician with an inspiring message to get off the couch and do something. It's about time. 

2) "Saturn: The Bringer of Old Age" in Holst's "The Planets" Suite. Pluto will be rather upset to know that Holst was asked to add an additional movement to this piece about him, but Holst was fed up with composing songs about us and told them no. Anyway, my part is by far the most stately and dignified of the group. Why bother listening to the rest?

3) "Saturday Night on Saturn" by Les Baxter and His Orchestra. It's from one of the Ultra Lounge albums. It's got a good beat and you could dance to it if you were so inclined. Please feel free to refrain at the moment, though.

4) "Those Were the Days" from the old television show "All in the Family"--That Archie Bunker guy made a lot of sense, and truly he was ahead of his time. He's so much like me in so many ways...

5) "Be Good Johnny" by Men at Work--When our favorite blogger succumbs to the influences of lesser planets, I hum this almost constantly. It can get in your head. If he listened to me more, I'm sure I wouldn't need to listen to it so much.

6) "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle--I can't watch enough "Cops". Watching people get what's coming to them for violating the law is one of my favorite things...I tend to binge watch quite a bit. I'd call it a guilty pleasure if I felt bad about it. But I don't. 

7) "Traffic Jam" by the Artie Shaw Big Band--Great old tune from a fantastic group. That's when it was really music, people. 

8) "Powerslave" by Iron Maiden--When feeling in a particularly good mood, I listen to this entire album over and over again. There isn't a bad song on it.

9) "Danse Macabre" by Camille Saint-Saens--It is a beautiful, melancholy musical rendering of Death. 

10) "Maple Leaf Rag" by Scott Joplin--Once again, this is how music should really be done. And so many people want to play it so fast...follow the rules for the rag style. It's nice and slow. 

Honorable Mention: Any band named Saturnian Mist gets my admiration. I don't think of myself as "misty" but you know how musicians get; they take liberties with everything.

I'm sure John's not thinking about me at all right now, which is extremely disappointing. At least I hope he doesn't think about any of the other planets, either. 

This is by far the best blog you've seen in this space for a while, I'm sure. So make sure to let John know. I was lobbying for two blogs but Mercury never followed up. Typical, especially because his retrograde turns him into a complete nincompoop. 

Planetary Blog Tour: Venus Sounds Off

Hello ladies and gentlemen...Venus here! 

I'm totally thrilled to be helping John relax on his vacation by writing this blog, especially since I got my day again!

I'm such a huge music fan...it's something that we all can relate to and brings so many people together. It's one of the most wonderful things there is. 

Of course I had a really hard time deciding on my songs, but here's my best shot at it. If you have others that could be on my playlist, let me know in the comments!

1) "She's Not There" by the Zombies--What a wonderful tune! I imagine some of you were singing this one pretty loudly over the past month. Did I apologize for that yet? If I didn't, sorry. It only happens once every 18 months. 

2) "Venus" by Frankie Avalon--You couldn't ask for a more beautiful song, even though it does objectify women to a great degree. I'll try to write it off as a sign of the times, though, and not take it personally. 

3) "Venus" by Bananarama--I must listen to this one at least 3 times a day. It's AMAZING and totally gets me going, especially in the mornings. 

4) "Woman's World" by Cher--This one is really powerful and enjoyable, as well as fairly recent. It's always been a woman's world to me, but now women are really starting to see it and take charge. GO GET IT, LADIES!

5) "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls--How many girls' nights out start with this song? AWESOME!

6) "Roxanne" by the Police--I love the tune, but a lot of people might find falling in love with a prostitute an objectionable topic. They have feelings, too, people. 

7) "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood--This is definitely a Venus retrograde song if there ever was one. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...with the appropriate implements of destruction!

8) "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls--One of my favorite moments was when John and his brother decided to sing this song at John's 40th birthday party. Almost every woman in the audience got up to dance and sing it. That's what I call girl power!

9) "Venus, the Bringer of Peace" in Holst's "The Planets" suite--A fitting tribute to what I try to do most of the time: bring peace and harmony to all.

10) "Respect" by Aretha Franklin--If you find you treat women with less respect than men, no matter what your gender, then perhaps you need to listen to this song a few more times.

I'm hoping that John and his lovely wife have a fantastic vacation and take plenty of pictures! Once again, if you have other songs to suggest to me, please do in the comments! :)

Planetary Blog Tour: Neptune Takes a Stab At It

Hello fellow music appreciators! You really have me to thank...or curse as the case may be...for this blog tour. So I hope you've enjoyed it so far. Don't tell anyone but I think even Saturn might have enjoyed it the tiniest bit. Maybe I should just keep that to myself.

Anyway, here are my musical offerings for the day. I had plenty of good ones to pick from but these come to mind right away.

1) "Roll Tide" from the Crimson Tide Soundtrack--this whole soundtrack was fantastic, but this track in particular was very moving and powerful. You could feel the ocean!

2) & 3) "Wipeout"--Ok so there are two versions of this one I like. The original was done by the Surfaris--another of my favorite band names!--but I also liked the Beach Boys and Fat Boys collaborative effort. Both have their merits.

4) "Under the Sea" from the Little Mermaid Soundtrack--What a funny amazing little ditty this is! Is it back in your head yet? If it's not, how about NOW?

5) "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden--This joyous tribute to one of the most amazing poems ever written is hands down one of my absolute favorites and the lead singer's voice is opera quality. You have to hear it to understand. 

6) "Red Red Wine" by UB40. I love this song but I also hate it when I listen to it too much. I guess I hate red red wine too after I've drunk to much of it as well. But really, "too much wine" isn't really a problem for me. 

7) "Shots" by LFMAO and Lil' Jon--If you're interested in getting three sheets to the wind and sex with strangers, this song is definitely for you!

8) "Neptune, the Mystic" from Holst's "The Planets" suite. This is a lyrical, beautiful tribute to me. I actually use it as my wake up song, but luckily my alarm never seems to go off when it should. 

9) "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison--This song is on John's phone and is a ringtone for one of his dearest friends. 

10) "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder--One person's superstition is another person's spirituality. Be careful when you use this word, because it's all relative. 

It's been great being back in the driver's seat and about a topic that is near and dear to my heart! Rock on, good people! :)

Planetary Blog Tour: By Jove, He's Back!

Did you really think that the planet that rules publishing would miss this opportunity? I think not. I may even be able to finish it without taking a pot shot at the Old Man. Stick around and find out!

Here's a sampling to illustrate my musical "philosophy" if you will. 

1) Symphony #1 by Mozart--The musical run that begins the symphony sounded like "Jupiter's thunderbolts" to an early music critic. If he thought that, he was likely as deaf as Beethoven! But I still think it was a nice gesture. 

2) "Roundabout" by Yes--OK, this tune starts off kind of slow and bare bones but boy does it expand in the middle and really flesh out nicely. Instead of going back down, they should have kept increasing in tempo toward the end...but it's a little late now. 

3) "Jupiter: The Bringer of Jollity" in Holst's "The Planets" suite--I'm sure many other planets mentioned their movement in this piece of music. Holst really had the right idea when it came to me!

4) "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff--This song has everything-tons of moving parts and an overall philosophy so you know what each movement is about. So much fun!

5) "Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra--If you were on "Jeopardy!" and the answer was "Your favorite blogger likes to sing this song in karaoke!", here's the question. And Sinatra was one of my peeps--GO ARCHERS!

6) The entire "Jurassic Park" Soundtrack. TOTALLY AMAZING.

7) "Aint That a Kick in the Head" by Dean Martin--Yes, so I like the lounge lizards. What's it to you? The whole premise of the song is sort of funny, and you're not sure if it's good or bad at first.

8) "Crystal Ball" by Prince--the expansion on this one is in the middle. It sounds like it's going to be kind of slow and boring when it starts, but it really picks up toward the middle and end. Don't give up on it so easily. 

9) "Riders on the Storm" by the Doors--this one's a little slower than I like my music, but riders are definitely my thing.

10) "Shoot that Poison Arrow" by ABC--Another 80s favorite with my weapon of choice when I'm not throwing thunderbolts that sound like orchestral instruments. 

So don't tell anyone, but if you'd tell John that Saturn's blog sucks, I know about 7 planets who would appreciate it. OK, maybe I mean a few fixed stars, too, but that's hardly the point. He's got taste for sour owlshit anyway. 

Please DO tell John how awesome I am. Don't tell me...I already know, but thanks anyways!

Don't fence me in,

Jupiter

Planetary Blog Tour: Uranus--He's So Unusual

Hi everyone! My name is Uranus and I'll be your planetary blog host for today. You won't find another like me, that's for sure!

OK...so here are some of my favorites, in no particular order:

1) "Age of Aquarius" by 5th Dimension--Finally a song with some astrology lyrics: "When the Moooooooon is in the 7th house...and Jupiter aligns with Mars..." Just amazing!

2) "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkmen--Just a fun, offbeat little tune about weird teenagers. What could be better?

3) "Stop Children What's That Sound?" by Buffalo Springfield. This is the ultimate civil rights-era protest song, good people.

4) "Love on a Real Train" by Tangerine Dream--Electronica at its finest from a legendary group of the genre. If you saw "Risky Business" you remember this one, back when Tom Cruise and Rebecca DeMornay could turn heads. Speaking personally I can't say public transit turns me on...but to each his own, right, Mercury?

5) "Revolution" by the Beatles--Another fantastic song about a topic near and dear to my heart!

6) "(I'm Not Your) Stepping Stone" by Paul Revere and the Raiders. You probably heard the Monkees do this one later on, but the original really rocks!

7) "Purple Rain" by Prince and the Revolution--One of the ultimate songs of the 80s, good people!

8) "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol--America fuck yeah!

9) "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac--This is practically my life's motto!

10) "No Anchovies Please" by the J. Geils Band. Seriously, this song is totally WHACK. But listen to it anyway...it always makes me chuckle.

And...I'm out! [drops mic]

Planetary Blog Tour: Mars' Musical Musings

Dudes and dudettes, what's shakin'? Looks like it's my turn to take a crack at this blogging shit!

Hope you like some of my songs. If you don't, well...you just wasted your time! HAHAHAHAHA! Been waiting all day to say that. 

1) "You Really Got Me" by the Kinks--This one is a lot of fun and it's a situation I find myself in a lot!

2) "Fire!" by the Ohio Players--Gordon Ramsay is one of my peeps, and I love this theme to "Hell's Kitchen"!

3) "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin--I rule all metals, good people, and Led Zep is the ultimate metal in my book, the one that started it all. 

4) "Happiness is a Warm Gun" by the Beatles--No explanation required on this one from the god of weaponry!

5) "Theme from Rocky" from the Rocky Soundtrack--Come on, admit it! You want to run up that museum staircase too! You may have a stroke, but that doesn't mean you won't try it anyway when this little baby comes on!

6) "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins--My rage would've destroyed the rat and his cage!

7) "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2--I'm usually not into peaceniks but this song is pretty cool. 

8) "Theme from the Godfather" from the Godfather soundtrack--Did you know that a certain blogger wore a double-breasted suit to chaperone a high school dance and as the DJ played this song a priest knelt down to kiss his ring? I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS DUDE! Total guinea wop fashions! It's a shame it was before the dance actually started...

9) "Mars: The Bringer of War" from Holst's "The Planets" Suite--Dude, John Williams was totally "inspired" by this when he did the soundtrack for "Star Wars". Just listen to it and you'll hear it for yourself. Props to Gustav Holst for inspiring him. And yeah...when it's got your name on it, you say it's one of your favorites. 

10) "Fires Burn at Midnight" by Blackmore's Night--I know lots of Pagans read this blog, and this song conjures up autumn for me. And of course I'm sort of a pyro...

Anyway, if I was able to hypnotize you I'd say "Tell John in the comments how awesome I am!", but since I can't I'll just...oh wait, I think I just did. 

Laters,

Mars

Planetary Blog Tour: The Music of the Planets by Pluto

Ummm, hi there everyone! I'm not real good at speaking so I'll let my list do the talking for me. 

1) "Angel of Death" by Slayer--a classic!

2) "Love to Love You Baby" by Donna Summer--if this one doesn't get you in the mood, you must be dead!

3) "Death" by Dark Moor--Their "Tarot" album is amazing...but this track is my favorite!

4) "Black Magic Woman" by Santana--We all know someone who fits this description, don't we?

5) "New Orleans Lady" by Le Roux--One of my favorite cities, and a Scorpio one to boot!

6) "Californication" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers--Some days I just can't get this one out of my head

7) "Down Under" by Men at Work--Another addictive 80s hit! Anything "down under" I can get down with.

8) "Goin' to the River" by Taj Mahal--I'm a fan of the blues, but none of that peppy shit. It's gotta be slow and heartbreaking for me to even touch it. 

9) "Pluto: Lord of the Underworld" by Gustav Holst as part of his suite, "The Planets". If someone names a song about you it had better make your top ten, right?

10) "The Commendatore Scene" from Mozart's "Don Giovanni"--I'm not a classical music fan really, but when a guy comes back from the underworld to bring someone else back, they earn my respect.

Anyway, that's it from here. If you like my style, tell John in the comments. He'll decide who you hear more from. I'm kind of a bad boy, too, if you get my drift. I don't know how cool I am writing this way...but if you like me I'll give it another shot. I'll do anything twice, right?

Off like a prom dress!

Pluto

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Blog Assistance Brainstorming Meeting

Mercury: Thanks for coming, everyone! I'm really excited to give John a hand for this vacation. He really deserves it. So let's get to it!

[Lady Moon raises her hand]

Mercury: [laughing] Lady Moon, we're thrilled you're here. But you don't have to raise your hand...just jump right in!

Moon: Thanks, Mercury. I was thinking perhaps we could do a theme...maybe we could all write on the same topic. It would probably flow better.

Mercury: Great suggestion! Any opinions?

Jupiter: I'm all for a theme.

Mars: Sounds like a plan...having a goal in mind is always good!

Venus: FUN! Who wouldn't want to cooperate? We can all work together!

Saturn: Well, I'm all for harmony...

Mercury: Why do I suspect there's a "BUT" coming, Old Man?

Saturn: Don't start deducing what I'm going to say next, Mercury. But in this case...

Mercury: What's the problem? You don't want a theme?

Saturn: I'm concerned that any theme that we decide on is one that I'm not going to like.

Mercury: But we haven't even discussed any ideas. Why don't YOU start with an idea?

Saturn: Well, I'm not a fan of themes because it's hard for me write to fit a theme...I'm not that creative. But as long as everyone plays by the same rules, I guess I'm OK with it. I'll do my best.

Mercury: OK then. That's all we can ask for.

Neptune: I've been thinking about music lately.

Mercury: That's...not unusual, Nep.

Neptune: But what about if we did a musical-themed blog tour?

Mars: What do we write about? I don't know anything about music!

Neptune: You listen to music, right?

Mars: Fuck yeah I do! All day long.

Neptune: Well, do you have a bunch of songs or groups you like?

Mars: Yeah...but I'm not a musicologist or anything.

Neptune: You don't need to be, man. Just tell us the music that YOU like.

Venus: So like our favorite songs or groups...?

Neptune: Or whatever. That's where the freedom comes in.

Saturn: So I can write about anything I want, provided it's about music? And it can be my personal opinions?

Neptune: From you, good sir, we would expect nothing less than your unabashed candor. The answer to your question is yes.

Mercury: Excellent! I think we call it the "Planetary Blog Tour: The Music of the Stars"

Jupiter: I LOVE IT! It sounds so lofty...

Saturn: And it's dignified as well. I'm very pleased.

[Room goes silent]

Mercury: WOW. I don't know that I've ever...heard you say that, Old Man.

Saturn: Well don't think it's going to happen often. But if you think these blogs might help people to see a different side of me, and everyone follows the same rules, I'm happy to do it.

Mercury: I'm sure it will be very enlightening, Saturn. Does everyone know what they have to do?

Moon: This is my first "blog"...so do I just write something? I'm a little nervous...

Mercury: Yes, Lady Moon. Do you do much writing?

Moon: I sure do, but it's very private stuff, usually. I have a very extensive personal journal.

Mercury: Well feel free to share anything about your musical tastes that you're comfortable with. This is also a good way for us to get to know each other!

Uranus: It's also a good way for us outer planets to integrate with you more. I certainly am known for going my own way but...

Venus: But a common goal will help us help John better, I think. Pluto, are you also going to participate?

Pluto: Yeah, that's the plan...but I don't expect people to like the music I do.

Mercury: That's kind of the point, Pluto. We're all different and that's good. John's readers will get different perspectives.

Neptune: This is just so awesome! I can't wait to get started.

Mercury: Well, on that note...let's adjourn! Happy writing, folks!

Friday Greetings from Lady Venus!

Greetings, everyone! I'm thrilled to be back!

From "journeyintothegoddess.wordpress.com"

Of course, I picked a Friday to help John out, because that's my day, if you didn't know. Many people think it's the best day of the week. In my own mind, "TGIF" actually stands for "Thank Goddess It's Friday"!

I gotta say I like this picture a lot better than the one they normally use for me. Please excuse my language but what the fuck is it with me and the damn shell? That's the one everybody uses. It's either that or my breasts are so accentuated that you don't see anything else. Come on...give a lady some respect, will you? Sure, maybe I like to get it on a little more than most goddesses but that's beside the point. Oh shit...I went off on another tangent, didn't I? Sorry!

Anyway, John was too busy packing for his vacation to say much...but he mentioned that things have been a bit...turbulent since I've been retrograde. So even though I didn't have a choice about going retro, I apologize if anyone has re-evaluated their relationship with you and found it wanting. That's unfortunately what happens.

But if you have taken the time to notice negative patterns in your own relationships, or in your work life, now is the time to address them. You owe that person or that job at least that much...usually. Hopefully you do. If you don't, well...that's more Mars' department than mine.

Speaking of John, likely he is heading toward his cruise ship right now. I hear that some of the other planets have gotten together to form a betting pool to see whether or not John actually relaxes. Since it's the beginning of his trip, they asked me to post the tote board. I've reluctantly said I would, and you'll find it below. But we're not there yet...I've got one more topic I'd like to address. 

Today is September 11, and unfortunately, for a number of years it hasn't been a regular day anymore. So I need to take a moment to thank all of the people who put their lives on the line every day. I'd also like to express my sincere gratitude to the many people all over this country and serving overseas who you will never meet, and who do work that you will never hear about, to keep you safe. To me, every one of them is a hero, just by showing up for work and serving. I can't thank all of you enough! While the United States has many flaws, because of the freedoms we enjoy you can hear my words without restriction. 

I promised I would provide the betting pool on John relaxing. So here's how the planets came in with their various scenarios:

12-1 John relaxes on days at sea and barely thinks about anything else during those times, but doesn't relax on port days. (Mars)

20-1 John ends up purchasing Internet on the cruise ship to help de-tox more slowly. (Mercury)

30-1 John goes cold turkey and barely switches on his phone, even on land. (Pluto)

40-1 John doesn't think about work at all, including this blog. (Jupiter)

50-1 John does the unthinkable and doesn't think about anything at all except having a great time. (Sun)

75-1 John spends lots of time drinking and then composing bad poetry (Neptune??)

100-1 John preserves his dignity and has a controlled vacation experience reasonably and enjoys the slight modification to his daily routine (Saturn). 

200-1 John doesn't think about Saturn once during his trip. (Jupiter)

Thanks for your attention, as always. For me, I hope John has a fantastic time with his lovely wife, Jen! Enjoy your second honeymoon, you crazy kids!

Warmly,

Venus

Out of Office Reply

Dear Reader,

Regretfully, John is out of the office and unavailable at the present time. He will be unable to assist you with your tarot, astrology, or other needs, as he is on vacation and his wife will slay him if he even attempts to respond.

To be fair to him, he does want to relax, but he's not very skilled at it. Some of the other planets and I will be helping him out by blogging for him while he's gone, and thereby helping him to have a relaxing break from his duties. 

Also, his beloved wife--who is one of my Virgo people and a very talented author--knows that it will be extremely difficult for him to communicate during this time, which makes it that much more likely that he will actually relax. For the most part, John says "I'm going to relax after I finish [INSERT PROJECT HERE]." Hours later, he's filled his time with work projects instead of relaxing; that Saturn sonofabitch really has a hold on him. [NOTE: Delete that last phrase before publication!]

Anyway, the main point of my narrative is to ensure you understand that John will indeed be back in a few weeks and that at that time he would be happy to assist you with your metaphysical needs. But at the moment he is not available, not at all or in any way, shape or form.

Speaking personally, I don't know what he's going to do without Internet for that long. Seriously! How is he going to know what's going on? I mean...I can't even imagine it.

As a public service, he'd also like me to let you know that very soon I'll be entering my storm. He understands and appreciates your concerns about my activities, and assures me that there are a number of past blogs to read on this topic if you need information.

Before he left, John made sure to tell me to express his "sincere appreciation" for all his clients and readers, and to thank you for all of your patronage. He looks forward to getting back in touch when he returns.

Regards,

Mercury

PS: This also means that John will be unavailable to see and interact with this blog. Hmmmm...that means that we could get up to some interesting things and it will be too late for John to do anything about them until he comes back. So it's almost like the lunatics will be running the asylum for a while...

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Dwarves, Bullies, and Wonder Woman, Take 2

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Glad to see all of you. Lady Venus, it's especially nice to have you back.

Venus: Thank you, sir. It's a pleasure to be back. I heard that things were pretty messy in my absence...

Sun: Yes, well, you don't have control over that, good lady. We're just thrilled you're here with us today. And Pluto, you're looking chipper!

Pluto: Sir, I'm really hoping to make a positive contribution this time.

[Silence]

Sun: I'm sure you will, Pluto. Lady Moon, is everyone present?

Moon: No, sir. We're just missing Neptune.

Sun: We'll that's not really news, but thanks as always for keeping track. I'm sure he'll turn up.

Moon: Yes, sir. If I may, sir?

Sun: Certainly, lady.

Moon: I think someone has something he'd like to say. Mars?

Mars: Yeah, I'm really sorry I went house last time and sort of exploded. I think all of you are cool, and I'm sorry I fucked everything up. I'll try to be less like my bully self in meetings.

Sun: That's very polite of you, Mars. Thank you. Was that all, Lady Moon?

Moon: [Beams] Yes, sir. I think we can continue.

Sun: Excellent. Well, unfortunately, the proposed meeting between Pluto and Mercury never occurred, so I'd like to take the up the matter again. John and his lovely wife Jen are going away for a few weeks, and we still have some time to help out. Pluto, I'd like you to speak first.

Pluto: Well, I think that we could probably help out by providing some blog support while John is away. The man doesn't need to be educating the masses while he's trying to relax. His wife tells me he's not so good at it anyway, so we need to make sure he does that and comes back refreshed for his astrology college studies.

Sun: Sounds like a good place to start, Pluto. Thank you. Discussion?

Mercury: This is a great idea! I've got tons of stuff. We can do an out of office message for the first blog, the day he leaves, and then those of us who want to can take a turn writing. I know some of us have done it before...but we can't count on John's help this time. From what I hear, he's going to a place so remote he'll have very occasional Internet access anyway.

Jupiter: Ummm, Merc, how is he going to do with that? I get upset when my emails don't come in that fast.

Mercury: Well, the fact of the matter is that John is very plugged in. As far as his emotional state without constant Internet is concerned, well...I'm not the best planet to speak to that. I've got very little evidence to work with.

Mars: He'll be OK. John's a fighter. He'll probably hit the gym more...and he's already in there three times a week, so I hope his fitness doesn't take a vacation!

Jupiter: This trip is going to be an adventure, and as such I will be an excellent person to fill in for at least one blog. Maybe I can do a travel feature about where he's going.

Saturn: And you can count on me for at least one. I think it's fair to say that I have a consistent, clean, reliable, and family-friendly writing style that puts readers at ease...

Mercury: [eye roll] Saturn, I'm sure we can find one blog for you to do at least.

Saturn: I'm his ruling planet. Perhaps I could get two blogs?

Sun: Saturn, you can work out the details with Merc later. Mars...did you have something else?

Mars: Well, sir, I'm not trying to be rude or belligerent, I'm John's almuten, and I've got a lot of power in John's chart, too. I sometimes think that fact is forgotten. [glares at Saturn] 

Sun: Mars makes a good point, old man. But I'm delegating this whole thing to Mercury. All of you can deal with him.

[Neptune barges in]

Neptune: Sorry I'm late. [takes a swig from water bottle] What did I miss?

Moon: We're discussing helping John out with his blog while he's on vacation.

Neptune: That's totally awesome! I'm in! [sways slightly as he heads toward his seat]. That boy needs to calm the fuck down, anyway. Perhaps he should have a few drinks while he's at it.

Mercury: I'll put you in the rotation, Neptune. And that's not water in that bottle, is it?

Neptune: Oh hell no! When was the last time you saw me drinking water?

Sun: Neptune, I guess you felt the need to start getting pickled so early? And before a meeting, no less?

Neptune: [smiling] Early is relative, sir, but it's after 5:00 pm on Neptune!

Sun: [under his breath] Oooooh boy. Three sheets to the wind. [Full voice] I can see that, Neptune.

Neptune: And after the last meeting when I was sober, I felt like I should have been drunk. So I remedied that situation this time.

Saturn: Neptune, did you put that app on your phone that we discussed that keeps you from sending drunk messages from your phone? The one where you have to answer math problems to text?

Neptune: [smiling proudly] NOPE! I decided fuck it.

Saturn: I think I figured out that one before you told me. Once you're less, um...inebriated, we'll have to revisit that topic. I didn't appreciate getting 20 "I fucking [heart] you all!" messages starting at 2:30am! 

Neptune: Well, if you'd have replied...

Venus: Neptune, we all love you, too. But we need to conclude this meeting.

Sun: Well spoken, Lady Venus. Make any requests for blogs directly to Mercury. He has the final word, so when you inevitably come back unhappy about something I'm not going to overrule him. Saturn, I'm talking to you specifically.

Saturn: That is an extremely disappointing development. But I understand, sir.

Sun: Lady Moon, have I missed anything?

Moon: No, sir. Mercury will send me a document summarizing his decisions about the blog, and I'll make that publicly available.

Sun: Thanks as always, Lady Moon. We're adjourned!

Mars vs. Pluto: Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings...

Pluto: Yeah?

Mars: Pluto, it's Mars. Don't hang up!

Pluto: [pause] Dammit. Knew I shouldn't have picked up without knowing who it was.

Mars: Look, dude...

Pluto: Why are you calling me? The Sun put you up to this?

Mars: Yeah dude. Sorry.

[Pause]

Pluto: If the Sun told you to call me, I bet you are.

Mars: You have no idea, dude.

Pluto: Well, you deserved it. Don't be a dick and those things won't happen.

Mars: I got carried away, dude.

Pluto: [chuckles] You consider that an apology?

Mars: It's the truth. And I...I need you to come back.

[Pause]

Pluto: Why?

Mars: Because the Sun told me you had to. And you can't walk in with a chip on your shoulder.

Pluto: The mighty Mars, forced to ask for help. How entertaining.

Mars: Don't fucking jerk me around, man. Are you gonna come back or not?

Pluto: Maybe. What will you do for me?

Mars: Come on, man. Don't bust my stones.

Pluto: [laughs] I have to, dude. You earned it.

Mars: Well, I dunno...what do you want?

Pluto: You've got connections in the sports world, so maybe you can hook me up.

Mars: Name it.

Pluto: OK. I want seats behind the plate at Fenway Park for the entire opening series of the Red Sox against the Yankees next season.

Mars: Done.

Pluto: I'm not finished. I also want your list of fantasy football pix, and I want in the planetary league, with no entry fee but still eligible for prizes, for life.

Mars: Done.

Pluto: Finally, I want you to talk about your feelings in the next planetary meeting.

Mars: My WHAT?

Pluto: You heard me.

Mars: I...I don't think I can do that. How about Super Bowl tickets?

Pluto: Nope. I want you to talk about your feelings, how it felt for you to insult me. And then I want a heartfelt apology and your assurances in front of everyone that you won't verbally come after me again. That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation. Do we have a deal, Mars?

Mars: Fuck me! That's highway robbery.

Pluto: Well, my friend, life comes down to choices. You can face the group and pour out your soul, or you can face the Sun's wrath. In other words, "Choose the form of the Destructor!"

Mars: Really, man? That's the best you can come up with? 80s movie lines?

Pluto: Is that aggression I hear in your voice? I'm sure it's not...

Mars: [sighs] Alright, dude. You win. I'll do it. Better to do that than face what the Sun had in mind.

Pluto: Which was...?

Mars: He said he would let Venus run our meetings for a year if you weren't back at meetings with a smile on your face.

Pluto: WOW. He must have hammered your ass!

Mars: Yeah, dude. A righteous ass chewing. I'm still hurting.

Pluto: You know, people say I'm the most powerful planet, but I've gotta tell you, that lady of yours was pretty amazing. And more than a little scary.

Mars: I KNOW, RIGHT? WHO KNEW??

Pluto: Considering those consequences, I think I can back off a little, but not much. No public apology, but I come to every NFL game this season at your place and I'm not paying for a thing. I want tons of wings, nachos, lemon drop shots, and margaritas.

Mars: Deal! Thanks!

Pluto: And Super Bowl tickets, the next time it's in New Orleans...it's a Scorpio town and I love it there.

Mars: Dude, I'll do anything to get out of talking about my feelings in public. Done.

Pluto: Thanks. See you for Steelers vs. Pats next Thursday night.

Mars: Got it. See you then.

Mercury's Shameless Marketing for "Free Spirit" by Jennifer Wells!

Hello everyone...John's packing for vacation, and since his lovely wife, Jennifer Wells, is one of my chosen people--GO VIRGO!!--he asked me to take over the blog for today. Thankfully I was able to get over the most recent case of "Sun-burn" I had. LOL. 

Anyway, Jennifer's got her third book coming out soon, a sequel to Magick Charm and the second book in the New Orleans Magick series. It's called Free Spirit, and the cover is below. Isn't it totally awesome??

Let's not forget the two talented artists who made this cover possible, either...Brittany Michel of Bad Carrot Studios, who is a double Virgo herself; and Samantha Harvey, an extremely talented graphic artist in her own right, who, while not ruled by me, is a Venus-ruled lady who the good lady Venus is extremely proud of. And before you ask, yes, I asked about Samantha before Venus went on retrograde...talk about planning for success!

Anyway...here's a look the plot:

Wild child Rachel is having a week so terrible, not even a pitcher of margaritas will help. When her evil boss shows up on her doorstep with a sob story, her request to stay a few nights turns into a whole lot more. She can’t even escape into some of her favorite haunts in the Quarter since she seems to have garnered the unwanted attention of some rabid readers. When her ghost-hunting assignment goes unexpectedly awry, Rachel unknowing releases a vengeful spirit.

Enduring a wicked houseguest and hiding from an over-enthusiastic fan all while trying to put a spirit back in her grave where she belongs is more challenging than sobriety during Mardi Gras. Can she and her family work some magick to put things right in the Crescent City or has Rachel bit off more veggie muffuletta than she can chew?

It's hard for me to know which one I'm going to like best, because Rachel is the one narrating this book. I love the cerebral Janie, but I love the spontaneity and metaphysical quirkiness of Rachel. Anyway, hopefully you've already purchased Magick Charm...I didn't know if you were aware that Mercury rules commerce and transactions, so please make sure that if you haven't, you do it and read it to be ready for the sequel.

I'm totally excited to see this book come out! I mean...think about it. Jennifer is smart, extremely talented, beautiful, and she's...well, married to John. So I guess three out of four is...well, it's 75% and while in most school systems that would still be a "C", the book is definitely an "A+". 

The point is that it won't be long until the release date, which is scheduled for later this year. So mark your calendars now and make sure to get your electronic copy on Kindle on Monday, October 26. (I hear rumors that paperback versions of both books will be out in time for the holidays!)

That's it from here. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but if you read one of Jennifer's books you won't care about the doctor or anything else until you're done reading the book. So go buy one for yourself and start your holiday shopping early with the gift of literacy!

Regards,

Mercury

Mercury Slightly Singed by the Sun-Shine

Mercury: You wanted to see me, sir?

Sun: Yes, Merc. Sit down. [Mercury sits] So this is not a lecture.

Mercury: What do you mean, 'This is not a lecture'? Who would start a conversation that way? You're immediately putting that idea in my mind that it IS a lecture, and then I have to be worried about what this "non-lecture" is about. Sir, you of all people should know better than to do that to me. It's just not fair. I mean when you think about the implications that such a statement might have in the context of being here in your office I just...

Sun: [holds a hand up calmly] Merc.

Mercury: Yeah?

Sun: I just wanted to give you some information. We don't need to debate the implications of it. Actually, I was going for a lighter touch but you're making this more difficult.

Mercury: Aren't you going to close the door, sir?

Sun: No, I'm not, but I'm glad you noticed. What does that indicate to you?

Mercury: That perhaps this meeting won't be a lecture, which is what I should have known if I had taken your words at face value, sir. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, sir. Sometimes my mind trips over my brain...I mean my words trip over themselves in my brain.

Sun: You're correct, Merc. On all counts. So I have a question: Did Mars perhaps ask you for assistance in crafting a letter to John apologizing for his conduct at the meeting that ultimately caused us to not send him a gift for his anniversary?

Mercury: Sure he did, sir.

Sun: I see. [Pause] And could you tell me in detail what form that assistance might have taken?

Mercury: Well, sir, he came and told me the situation and I said that I'd help him. But he said all he needed from me was to get him started, which I did. And then he left.

Sun: So he was going to write this letter on his own after you provided some...input, right?

Mercury: Yes, sir.

Sun: To make sure I'm following...he came to you, you gave him some quote-unquote assistance, and then he left.

Mercury: That's what happened, sir.

Sun: Did Mars at any time ask you to do the work for him?

Mercury: Oh no, sir! I gave him a few writing tips and then he was out the door. It was his punishment, after all.

Sun: So tell me what you did after he left.

Mercury: After he left? Mars, you mean?

Sun: Yes. Don't tell me you don't understand what I mean.

Mercury: Well...I know what you mean, I was just asking for clarification. I...I don't really remember. I'm a little ecletic...but I watch the news, I text, I write...

Sun: Merc, did you help out Mars by writing a letter to John for him without his knowledge?

Mercury: [Pause, with a confused look] Yes, I did, but I didn't tell anyone I had done so. How did you come by this information? I mean they SAY Big Brother is watching us and all but seriously that's totally bizarre.

Sun: [smiling] You didn't expect Mars to write a letter, did you? Or was it that you were unsure that his would accomplish his desired goals?

Mercury: A little of both, sir. John deserves better than that, sir. And since I didn't say anything to stop the chaos at the meeting, I thought I could do my part by making sure John got a real apology, not one given by a caveman.

Sun: Merc, Mars did indeed send one...

Mercury: Oh shit. So John got two of them?

Sun: Yes, indeed. Mars must have infected you with something because normally you think things through.

Mercury: Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. Hope he wasn't upset.

Sun: He seemed more amused than anything else, especially because Mars doesn't write like you do. You didn't even try to disguise your writing to look like Mars'.

Mercury: Dammit.

Sun: So here's the thing: Mars did what I told him to do. But I'm going to ask you nicely to not "help" so much next time, especially since it makes it look like we don't know our asses from a hole in the ground.

Mercury: I can see that, sir. I'll make sure I reign it in next time.

Sun: Thanks, Merc. You can go now.