Plutonian Essay: Why Change is Good, You Whiny Bitches!

Dear Whiny Bitches,

I don’t get the spotlight very much, and I think you humans like it that way. You don’t seem to like what I have to say, except maybe when it involves sex, but even then, you people act as if you’re afraid of me. I mean, that old bastard Saturn gets more joy on this blog than I do, and he’s more boring than nuclear waste. Why don’t you want to hear from me?

You know what lawyers say? Those crafty Mercurial fucks would tell you that you should never ask a question you don’t know the answer to. And I just did that. I know why you don’t want to hear from me. It’s because when I show up at your doorstep you may have to…shift. I’ll say that because you sheep hear the “C” word—and that’s “change” for all of you with your minds in the gutter!—and you just freak out.

Spoiler alert: Everything is temporary. Should I say it again? Everything is temporary, starting with your little life force and your miniscule amount of “influence” you think you have over the things around you.

Helen Keller might have been blind, but I respected that bitch because she called it like she saw it. My favorite quote of hers is “Security is an illusion.” And it totally is. Nothing is secure. And nothing lasts forever.

Now before you all go crying in your pumpkin spice whatevers and your White Claws about me, I’m not here to gloom and doom you. I’m being a realist.

If you embraced change and didn’t get so caught up in the moment you would realize that I’m taking things out of your life for a REASON. I didn’t say it wouldn’t hurt, and I didn’t say it wouldn’t require a sincere attitude adjustment, either. Those things could happen, and in your life, here’s a trigger warning: They. Will. Happen. Perhaps frequently. Definitely more often than you want.

Relationships evolve, sometimes out of existence. People get fired or leave jobs. And yes, those we love will die. But if life didn’t suck sometimes then you wouldn’t really get to enjoy the truly amazing parts.

I really am trying to help you out. I get carried away sometimes and use a little more nuclear than you’d care for, but I only nuke what you truly don’t need. And it’s up to me to tell you what you no longer need. Could I be nicer about it? Maybe. But it wouldn’t have the same impact, and while other astrological fucking planets with little dicks and even smaller brains would hurl insults about MY size, they don’t have the influence—the raw power—that I do.

So do us both a favor. Next time your favorite server gets a new job, or your favorite bar closes, or you have to put up with abuse from someone else, make sure my efforts weren’t in vain. Hang in there and deal with the change, and then make the best of it. Yes, you’ll have to do without your eye candy at the office when he makes a beeline for the company with free yoga classes, but in the whole scheme of things, it’s not a big deal.

Human beings are amazing and can pretty much get accustomed to anything. So get accustomed to change and then maybe you’ll be a little more friendly and welcoming when I show up. I know I’d appreciate being valued a lot more than I am right now.

Pluto