Interview with Mars, Part 4

John: Looks like you’re done with that box. Maybe teriyaki next? [hands Aries another container of wings] 

Mars: Keep this shit up, man, and I’ll talk about my bad self all fuckin’ day!

 

John: Quite. [consults iPad] You talked about Venus a little earlier. You get done what Venus sends you to do, right?

 

Mars: [rips open container] Yeah, so?

 

John: Can you talk about your role in romantic relationships?

 

Mars: Romance is Venus’ thing, man. But once we get to it, I’m your man.

 

John: Could you explain “get to it” for us?

 

Mars: You’re how old and I gotta explain this to you? Gettin’ it on! Bangin’! Boot knockin’! Makin’ the beast with two backs! I mean you are married…

 

John: Mars, do not even think about saying whatever it was you were going to say after that.

 

Mars: [confused] I missed all that but I’m guessing you were getting pissed off. You get what I’m saying, amirite?

 

John: Yes, you’re referring to physical intimacy.

 

Mars: Fuck yeah! DUH. Goin’ all the way! And don’t get offended…don’t you know an Aries person who said that the only reason to get married was regular sex?

 

John: Yes, that’s very true. That’s a perfect Aries statement, too. [consults iPad] So she’s in charge of the love department and you’re in charge of sex. Does that sound right?

 

Mars: Yup! I don’t try to do her job and she doesn’t try to do mine. We work together, that’s all!

 

John: There are people who don’t understand the difference. Can you give us your perspective?

 

Mars: [pause] I guess. What do you mean?

 

John: In your opinion, what’s the difference between your work and Venus’ in relationships?

 

Mars: [pauses to think] If you still like actually the person when you’re taking a break between rounds of sweaty between the sheets action, then that’s probably Venus. If you’re more concerned with getting them or yourself an Uber after it’s done, then it’s probably me you’re dealing with.

 

John: To summarize, you’re more of the animal instinct to mate and Venus is more of the emotional intimacy. Do you think that’s fair?

 

Mars: Sounds right, I guess. Why humans can’t figure it out is beyond me!

 

John: Venus is the relationship planet, but can you be the one to start a relationship?

 

Mars: Sure! I get things done! Venus usually is in charge of that but if it’s purely…testosterone then likely the “relationship” won’t last too long. But I do know some folks who have purely sexual relationships to meet their needs, and I’m good with that. Just don’t expect them to go anyplace or stick around for the long-haul!

 

John: Thanks. Need some more napkins? [picks up the pile of napkins]

 

Mars: Fuck yeah! And some wet wipes!

Interview with Mars, Part 3

John: So you mentioned how much you love being in Aries. What sign are you in now?

Mars: Fuckin’ Pisces. Those fish don’t do me any favors, let me tell ya.

 

John: They ‘don’t do you any favors’?

 

Mars: You got a hearing problem or somethin’? You’re always repeating shit back to me. Seriously dude, that’s annoying as fuck.

 

John: It’s a specific technique used to elicit…you know what? Doesn’t fuckin’ matter. Tell me about the fish.

 

Mars: They’re too fuckin' lazy and dreamy. When I’m there I’m more underhanded and not up front about things. I’m aggressive but I don’t show it…more like what they call…ummm…

 

John: Passive-aggressive?

 

Mars: [points with a parmesean peppercorn drenched index finger] That’s the fucker right there! But here’s the great news: I WON’T BE THERE FOR LONG AND THEN IT’S GAME. FUCKING. ON!

 

John: You must be referring to you entering Aries soon?

 

Mars: JUNE 29 IS THE DAY! Can’t fucking wait!

 

John: So you move into Aries. That’s a pretty normal thing…happens once every two years and you’re in a sign for about six weeks, right? [Consults iPad] Oh shit. Not this time, though.

 

Mars: NOT THIS TIME. SIX MONTHS IN ARIES!

 

John: Damn. This could get…interesting. My ephemeris says you’re in Aries until early January.

 

Mars: AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

 

John: There are some folks who are a little bit scared about that fact, Mars.

 

Mars: I get it, I get it. People are sheep normally. But in Aries can bring people courage, make them brave!

 

John: [gestures] Go on.

 

Mars: Let’s say you know this hot girl and you’ve wanted to get in her pants but you haven’t had the stones to do it. A little shove from your buddy Mars might help you out! Want a raise but couldn’t ask before now? I help you step up to the plate!

 

John: So, if I understand you correctly, you might help people find the courage to address endemic problems in their lives?

 

Mars: [confused] Dude you’re doing it again! SPEAK ENGLISH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

 

John: OK. I’ll try. With your help, people…step up and handle their shit?

 

Mars: What’s so fucking hard about that? If you tried you could talk that way all the time!

 

John: [eyeroll] Well, it certainly would be an attainable goal.

 

Mars: Dude!

 

John: Never mind, Mars, never mind. [consults iPad] My readers worry that you might bring a lot of conflict over that period of time.

 

Mars: Yeah, I probably will! But that doesn’t mean it’s going to suck. If you want to get shit started, I’m your man. If you want to have courage, I’m your man. I can give you the stones to do what you need to get done and I’m giving that energy to you for six months!

 

John: Very true. But aren’t also you the planet of violence and accidents?

 

Mars: Yeah, true story! But conflict is conflict. It isn’t always supposed to be a fight…because when it is…

 

John: [pauses]

 

Mars: I’m happy and proud of who I am, but I know what I’m not. I know I’m not smart like Mercury…I say things without thinkin’ and I act without even worryin’ about shit. I know how cool I am, but that’s not always a good thing. And when I’m in conflict, I’m flight or fight only, and I’m not worried about thinkin’, just survivin’ and winnin’. That’s my job.

 

John: You’re right. People need to be careful and try to use your energy productively. Is that a fair statement?

 

Mars: [nods] What you said, egghead! [Pause] Hey that rhymed! Merc would LOVE THAT SHIT!

Interview with Mars, Part 2

John: [consults iPad] It says here you also rule physical activity.

 

Mars: HELL TO THE YEAH BOYYYYYYEEEEEE! I love getting hot and sweaty! And what the fuck is with all your gyms being closed? You haven’t gone in months! Don’t think I can’t see it.

 

John: Well, the coronavirus has us all cooped up and a lot of us, me included, aren’t ready to go back to the gym, even if we can. That doesn’t mean I haven’t…dude, this interview isn’t about me!

 

Mars:  A good workout is healthy, man, seriously. And it keeps your energy levels sky high for your everyday bullshit.

 

John: So let’s dive into the “everyday bullshit” you’re referring to. [grabs a container of wings and a pile of napkins from under a nearby table]. Why don’t you start with these? And about 27 napkins?

 

Mars: Awwwww shit dude! WINGS! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! [sniffs and looks at John] Parmesean peppercorn? AMIRITE?

 

John: [to self] Whoa.

 

Mars: What?

 

John: [recovering] America fuck yeah!

 

Mars: Awesome! Bone-in, right?

 

John: Yup. Go to town. [sits back]

 

Mars: [rips open container and settles in] Fuck yeah man. [starts eating] So let’s get it on!

 

John: Let’s go back to high energy levels and stress.

 

Mars: [through a mouthful of wings] OK! Exercise is my jam. Makes life a lot easier. You deal with everyday bullshit like problems at work, idiots on the road, fuckheads in your social life. With me, I help you cope, and I show you how to fight.

 

John: I want to make sure I understand. You show us how to fight?

 

Mars: Fuck yeah! There are 12 signs of the zodiac, right? Think of them as 12 different styles of martial arts. Depends on which one you are.

 

John: Can you tell me, like, how that works?

 

Mars: FUCK YEAH. If you’ve got Mars in Aries…then I’m a hotheaded, let’s get to it, throw down the gloves and rip your face off right fucking now, MMA [mixed martial arts] scrappy, whatever you want to do as long as you fuck them up kind of style. I love being in Aries…it’s my total jam. It’s in your face, go fuck yourself, you’ll regret fucking with me kind of energy!

 

John: That sounds…dangerous.

 

Mars: Oh yeah! But it usually doesn’t last too long. One strong burst usually scares people off or ends the fight. If it goes on too long…

 

John: Wait a second. If what goes on too long?

 

Mars: If people use me all the time like that, they might have a problem because no one will want to be around them. Sometimes it’s like being on a hair trigger if you’re always ready to knock someone’s block off, amirite?

 

John: Makes sense. Mars in Aries is in rulership, so the energy flows easily. I suspect that’s what you’re trying to say.

 

Mars: You don’t need to be a dick about it! But Mercury’s right dude. You talk good. You want to impress me? Go back to the gym and stop reading books!

 

John: [looks over] Have you eaten all those wings?

 

Mars: About half, dude. You got more?

 

John: I had to ask the Sun for a loan to cover the number of wings I bought for you today, Mars. He said he’d pay half and it was still an exorbitant bill.

 

Mars: [confused] Is that a yes? Damn well better be.

 

John: Yes, Mars. There are plenty left [points to boxes under the table]

Interview with Mars, Part 1

John: Ladies and gentlemen…

Mars: Ummm it’s “gentlemen and ladies” today, dude!

John: Right. How could I possibly forget? [Pause] Gentlemen and ladies, I’d like to introduce Mars!

Mars: WASSSSSSSUUUUUUP! It’s my time baby!

John: Yes, it is, Mars, in more ways than one.

Mars: TRUE STORY DUDE!

John: So do you know why you’re here?

Mars: Boss man told me to show up and talk about me. I’m damn good at that shit!

John: That’s what I was hoping for. [Consults iPad] So what’s the most important thing people should know about you?

Mars: Wait a sec! Where’s the food?

John: Excuse me?

Mars: I’m starving. The boss said you’d have food for me, so I didn’t eat. Amirite?

John: I thought we could wait for a bit before we…

Mars: [takes John by the shoulders] Dude, you’re my boy, allright? Scorpio sun and all. I feel ya, but I need some grub to stay focused. So, can you hook a brother up? And none of that complicated shit either! Just simple.

John: [signals to the production team] I’ll have some brought out and put under the table here, and it will be just a moment. So, let’s go back to…

 Mars: I GET SHIT DONE DUDE! That’s what I want the people to know.

John: Tell me what that means to you.

Mars: You don’t call me for talk, man. I’m not going to think about shit. You don’t call me for love or feelings or any of that shit. You call me for one thing: Get. It. Done.

John: Sounds pretty simple.

Mars: True story! I’m like your personal spec ops team. If you’re in a fight, you want me next to you. Because fuck them.

John: Who is “them” in that last statement?

Mars: Dude what are you talking about?

John:  When you say “fuck them”…

Mars: Dude, anyone in your way! Fuck them. If they’re cock-blocking you, fuck them. If you want it, you got it, and we go through ‘em.

John: I thought Venus tells us what we want.

Mars: Oh yeah…well, she might tell you what you want, but she ain’t gonna go get it. Who do you think goes to get it? ME! Obvs.

John: [dawning understanding] Ahhhh, I see. She tells people what they desire, and you go get it.

Mars: DUH. You’re supposed to be the egghead here. Why am I telling you when you oughta know already?

John: [facepalm]

Mars: You OK? You got a headache or something?

John: [sighs] No, but I’m sure I will soon.