Interview with Jupiter, Part 8

John: Thanks so much for all your time educating us, Jupiter. I know my readers appreciate it! 

Jupiter: You’re welcome! I’m always prepared to hold forth on pretty much any topic. 

John: I sort of figured that one, Jupiter. [consults iPad] So there are some people who consider you the “Good Time Charlie” of the astrological planets. 

Jupiter: Sure, a lot of people see me that way! People look forward to seeing me. I tend to bring lots of luck and personal freedom. Every 12 years I come around and help people to expand and move forward. Those 12 years intervals tend to bring good fortune! 

John: Yes, that’s absolutely true. We know that every 12 years, you return to the place in our charts where you were at our birth. We know it as a “Jupiter return”. And I have a great personal example of that. 

Jupiter: Oh I love these stories! Do tell! 

John: And I can speak to your blessings for certain. When I had my Jupiter return near my 24th birthday, you brought my wife to me. We were married within one month of that return in my personal chart! 

Jupiter: [beams] Wow, that’s excellent! She was definitely a blessing. 

John: Best thing that ever happened to me, for certain! But it doesn’t always work out that well for everyone, in spite of your influence. 

Jupiter: [pause] I suspect it’s the return of Negative Ned… 

John: [holds a hand up] Your influence can be positive, and it would be great if that happened all the time, but maybe we can talk about how you manifested in someone’s life and it wasn’t the way you’d hoped? 

Jupiter: Well, I mean…nobody’s perfect but I’d love an example, because nothing jumps immediately to mind...

John: How about Marilyn Monroe?

Jupiter: Damn it all. You have to bring HER up? [sigh]

John: At her 3rd Jupiter return, your influence brought her a huge blessing: A starring role in a big movie. But there was something else that you didn’t intend: In addition to blessing Marilyn with this amazing opportunity, you also expanded her ego. She became a diva, and eventually, the studio fired her because she was impossible to work with. 

Jupiter: [sigh] I guess you’re right. But I give it my best. 

John: Clearly you did in Marilyn’s case. 

Jupiter: [pause] Come on…that is beneath you, John. 

John: No, it isn’t. It’s a fair and balanced assessment of your influence, Jupiter. Nothing more and nothing else. But there’s no doubt that you can have a very positive, liberating influence on us as well. 

Jupiter: I’m glad for that at least. Do I have time for one last moment to provide a takeaway for the audience? 

John: I don’t know that I could stop you, Jupiter, but you have my permission to proceed. 

Jupiter: [gets up from his chair and bows to John] Good people, I’m a lot of fun to be around. Travel the world, learn new things, study and teach, and share your opinions widely. And remember…you only live once, so who cares about the consequences? YOLO, good people…which is a shortened form of one of my favorite sayings: You only live once! And hopefully soon you will be traveling again!

Interview with Jupiter, Part 7

Jupiter: So go ahead…ask me about the other signs. Anyone who has read this series knows what will happen next!

John: Very true. So what signs cause you difficulty? 

Jupiter: Capricorn is a tough one for me, I don’t mind telling you. 

John: Well, why would you say that is? 

Jupiter: Capricorn is ruled by Saturn and it’s tremendously limiting. As you have pointed out earlier, I don’t do well with limits. Anything dealing with the Old Man is a pain in the ass. 

John: No, you’re a planet who sees every option and yet wants the freedom to take them all. 

Jupiter: Just like the Old Man. Why see limits when you can see possibilities? I’ve never really understood that. 

John: He’s next on my list of interview subjects, so I’ll have to ask him that. [writes note on iPad] What else makes Capricorn a challenging sign for you to inhabit? 

Jupiter: Capricorn is a very strategic sign and I’m definitely more of a “you only live once so why the fuck not?” kind of planet. I know I’m going to make mistakes and they’ll get me toward my eventual destination. Saturn’s influence over a sign confers a…wariness, and as such I struggle with these two competing influences. 

John: That makes sense to me. So Capricorn is your “Fall” sign, but where are you in detriment? 

Jupiter: Gemini. I mean, EW. I am NOT a fan. 

John: Because of Mercury’s influence, no doubt? 

Jupiter: Yes, absolutely. Too many details for me. I get pulled in too many different directions when I have to pay attention to that many balls in the air. Frankly, I have no idea how that brainiac keeps all that information straight in his brain, because I sure can’t. 

John: So Gemini is not a preferred sign for you. 

Jupiter: Not at all! John: What would you say about Virgo? Do you struggle there, too? 

Jupiter: Yes, I do, because in the ancient world I used to rule Pisces, and the opposite sign is Virgo. Basically, Mercury do two different jobs and when his influence enters the mix, my job tends to get harder. 

John: I understand now, and I think my readers will have a better idea of your role in the astrological planetary system. 

Jupiter: I certainly hope so! I’m a pretty important planet overall. 

John: There are only ten of you, so as far as I’m concerned, you're all pretty influential. 

Jupiter: I can get behind that idea.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 6

 

John: Well, let’s move on to another topic. Could you tell me about what signs you work best in? 

Jupiter: Absolutely. Sagittarius is my favorite sign of the zodiac! Send those arrows flight straight and sharp toward whatever truth I need to expose. You know it because you have it yourself. You live it! 

 John: Absolutely. I’m passionate about teaching, and there’s nothing that doesn’t deserve a good parody. Though I do try not to be too thoughtless…you can’t take one of those arrows back once you shoot it, right? 

Jupiter: I agree, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have sent it out in the first place. I mean, if they can’t take a joke… 

John: Remember how we were discussing the idea that everything is relative? Well, “joke” is one of those things. If you’re the target of one of the Sagittarius arrows, you might not find it so humorous. 

Jupiter: You’re going into downer territory again, man. I don’t do it to be deliberately malicious. Who do you think I am? Mars or Pluto? And I’m not responsible for the emotions. Only the arrows. I don’t tread on Lady Moon’s territory. 

John: Right, I remember. As I recall you had two signs, right? 

Jupiter: Yeah. Pisces used to be mine back in the day. They gave it over to Neptune, which definitely pissed me off when it first happened, but I came to the conclusion that it’s all about how you look at things. 

John: Very true. [consults iPad] So we already mentioned your ability to teach and learn, especially those areas that develop the higher mind. When you’re in Sagittarius those abilities are highlighted, but also you tend to be opinionated. 

 Jupiter: Fair. And other planets in Sagittarius do tend to have that “opinionation”, to quote famous astrologer Noel Tyl. 

John: So your next best sign is when you’re sitting in Cancer, right? 

Jupiter: Yes, that’s right. It’s more understated than when I’m in Sagittarius but I tend to bring the messages across a little more…smoothly. 

John: Could you explain that for me, please? 

Jupiter: Sagittarius is a sign that thrives on activity. So when I’m there I want to be talking, learning, teaching, listening and generally staying very active and engaged. By contrast, in Cancer, I can deliver messages in a more calm, understated way; there’s less running around and more background stability. Cancer also has an emotional overtone that Sagittarius lacks. No doubt, that’s the influence of Lady Moon. But make no mistake: I love the sign of Cancer, and I’m extremely comfortable and powerful there, too. 

John: In short, Cancer it takes out some of the more annoying parts of your overall influence. 

Jupiter: [scoffs] There you go again, Negative Ned! 

John: Jupiter, this blog is my truth. And you’re the one who said everyone’s is different, right? So suck it up…please. [smiles] 

Jupiter: I did tell you that I told the Sun I questioned the entire philosophy of doing these interviews, right? 

John: He agreed it was a good idea but heard your dissenting opinion regardless, one of the hallmarks of a great leader. So what I feel or don’t feel about your conversation with him is irrelevant. 

Jupiter: But if you think about it… 

John: I did not request your opinion, Jupiter. Thank you.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 5

John: [checks iPad] Would you say that spirituality and religion are foreign? Is that way you’re involved in them? 

Jupiter: No…that’s a different concept entirely. I deal with abstract concepts and the “higher mind”. 

John: Could you explain what you mean by that term, “higher mind”? 

Jupiter: Absolutely. I’m the guy who helps you grow to understand things in life that are not particularly obvious. Let’s use an example. If I ask you what an apple is, you can put an image in your head of an apple, right? 

John: [pause] Yeah, I can do that pretty simply. 

Jupiter: Now, put an image in your head of truth. 

John: Hmmmmmmmm. [thinks] That one is tougher. 

Jupiter: Right. Here’s another question. Do you think your image of truth will be the same as other people? 

John: I don’t see how it could be. 

Jupiter: Right on. My job is to help you understand those more abstract concepts. Truth means something different to you than other people. And a part of what I do involves you seeking the truth—what you believe to be the truth, at any rate. 

John: If you do that with truth, what do you with right and wrong? 

Jupiter: You’re joking, right? [laughs] We’d be here all day with those two terms. That totally depends on who you ask. 

John: So to you just about anything is relative? 

Jupiter: In a manner of speaking, yes. You remember one of the most important conversations of our times? Between Luke and Obi-Wan? 

John: Which one? 

Jupiter: Luke accused Obi-Wan of lying to him. “You said Vader betrayed and murdered my father!” And Obi-Wan had a long statement that ended with “So what I told you is true…from a certain point of view.” Greetings. I am that certain point of view! It can come in very handy! 

John: Right…we all have different perspectives. But what do you do with facts? 

Jupiter: Not my department. That’s Merc again. He’s too exact for me. What’s the point anyway? 

John: Precision does have its advantages. 

Jupiter: Honestly, the problem these days is that everyone thinks that their point of view or opinion is a fact. And even I, the King of Personal Opinion, know they are not one and the same. There are some things that are facts, but as I said, I’m not the guy to ask about it. That would be Mercury.

John: So what is your relationship to facts, if Mercury is the one who provides the information?

Jupiter: Well, if you haven't figured that out yet, I'll state it plainly: I take them and give my interpretation. 

John: Almost like someone telling you what was said in a foreign language that you don't understand?

Jupiter: Yes! Exactly like that. My interpretation of the facts can change, but the facts themselves do not!

John: So you are the guy who helps people determine the message that others were trying to convey, even it was written hundreds or thousands of years ago?

Jupiter: Whoa...that's a "gotcha" question if I ever heard it! You're not going to make me comment on any ancient texts today, right? That could get us BOTH into trouble. 

John: [hands up] No way! And no one needs to hear my personal interpretation of anything like that! But it does beg the question...

Jupiter: Come on...out with it!

John: Given what you just told us, wouldn’t that make you the zodiac’s propaganda minister? 

Jupiter: [hands on hips] COME THE FUCK ON! You REALLY went there? 

John: Dude, I like you, but you should know by now I’m not playing. 

Jupiter: Well, if you want to get technical about it, I guess I could see that. But that word makes me sound way too negative. 

John: If everything is an opinion, no one knows what’s real. And in an environment like that, people can lose their way. We can create cults of personality and we can each sit in our own little bubble, right, not caring about what is real and what isn’t? 

Jupiter: Dude, you're starting to scare me a little! I don’t know if you realize it, but people actually LIKE me. You’re not doing my image any favors, you know!

Interview with Jupiter, Part 4

John: I’d like to dive into that a little deeper. You said that once something foreign becomes normal, you lose your influence over it. 

Jupiter: Yes, absolutely. 

John: Why is that? 

Jupiter: I rule things that are foreign—cultures, people, customs, languages, et cetera—and once you are comfortable with them, that’s where my job stops. 

John: I understand the words, but I’m not sure what that means. 

Jupiter: You said earlier my job is expansion, and you’re right. People with strong Jupiter influences often are good at expansion. 

John: Yes, and I need you to stop expanding my waistline. Could you do that? 

Jupiter: Who doesn’t like a good meal? 

John: I am NOT one of those people, sadly. I like a good meal too often. 

Jupiter: Good for you! This is not a problem! 

John: Until I go to the doctor’s office, right? 

Jupiter: I avoid them like the plague. 

John: Speaking of doctors, perhaps that's not the best expression to use right now?

Jupiter: Oh shit...I guess you guys are NOT as good at avoiding the plague as one might hope!

John: [frowns] Moving on...

Jupiter: Yes, of course...doctors! They always tell people to stop doing this, stop doing that. What’s the point? I don’t think you need that kind of negativity in your life! 

John: [pause] Well, let’s agree to disagree about medical professionals, who have been working for nearly a year nonstop. But you were saying…? 

Jupiter: Ah yes. I’m good at expansion. When you are learning new principles, cultures, languages and the like, you are expanding. Once you learn them, they are no longer “new and different” because you have assimilated them. So then they just become ordinary, routine things you’ve learned. That’s where Mercury takes over; it’s no longer exciting, but ordinary. 

John: Would it be safe to say, then, that Mercury deals with local and repeated trips, and you deal with longer journeys away from home to new places? 

Jupiter: Yes! If it’s exciting and adventurous, that’s all me. Boring? That’s someone else!

John: So if I could summarize, even if a country is not your own--a "foreign" nation--it may not be in your purview after all if you're from there or have extensive experience with its people or culture. Is that fair?

Jupiter: [nods] Indeed. 

Interview with Jupiter, Part 3

John: Life is a great teacher. And you are too, apparently.

Jupiter: I am. And don’t think I haven’t done my research on you, good sir.

John: I’m pretty much an open book, so what are you referring to?

Jupiter: I am seriously strong in your chart, sir. Jupiter in Sagittarius, baby! That’s one of the reasons you’re such a fantastic teacher.

John: I would agree. But this interview isn’t about me. For now, let’s focus on the idea that when it comes to both learning and teaching, you play a large role.

Jupiter: For certain! But I’m different from Mercury, who has a piece of the puzzle, if you will, in the learning and teaching realm.

John: Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me how you’re different.

Jupiter: Well, he gets caught up in the details! For him, they are the most important thing. Accuracy, figures, correctness, and facts. When you learn that the capital of Missouri is…[thinks] Shit! What is it? Do you happen to know?

John: Jefferson City, as I recall.

Jupiter: Good for you! It’s one of those cities in Missouri; there’s millions of ‘em! Anyway, the point is that I don’t care really about that sort of thing. I’m looking more for “How to people in the Midwest view life as a whole? What’s important to them? What are their values?”

John: In other words, you take more of a global life view, rather than a specific one?

Jupiter: That’s a great way of putting it. I want to know what’s behind what people believe. What principles guide them? How did they come to learn them? That sort of thing.

John: It almost sounds like you’re talking about morality.

Jupiter: That is a part of what I do for sure. And for many people, their idea of morality comes from their spiritual beliefs. My purview includes religion, spirituality, or whatever you want to call it.

John: And in a more secular situation we could call that philosophy, right?

Jupiter: Some people would for sure. So you can take the religious angle, or you can go the secular route. Different worldviews are good! That’s how we learn. Nothing wrong with agnostics or athiests!

John: Speaking of worldviews, let’s talk about foreign lands. I know when I lived in France, I had a completely different view of the world than I do here in the United States.

Jupiter: Absolutely! When you go someplace different, the culture—attitudes, ideas, values, and all that—affects you. And it’s the fact that it is not what you’re used to that makes it amazing. People grow overseas. I bet you did.

John: Oh yeah. I went over there thinking “I’m not going to change like everyone says I will.”

Jupiter: [laughter] And how did that work out for you?

John: [smile] You know how it worked out. It’s a different culture. People there live differently. I saw things that I never expected. I came back a very different person, but a better one.

Jupiter: Yes, they do have a different way of life. They value more of their family time than they do here. They’re not so work-focused. They take their vacations seriously. All those cultural points of difference…that’s all me. Until it becomes normal. How long did it take for you to get used to hearing French all around you?

John: About three days. Then I settled in so well that when I went back home, hearing English was stressful for a few hours before I re-acclimated.

Jupiter: Culture shock is a thing! So now when you go to France or deal with French-speaking people, you know what to expect?

John: Yes.

Jupiter: That’s where my influence ends. Once the shock wears off, once you know what to expect, it’s no longer “foreign” and the other planet takes over.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 2

John: If we return the idea of truth for a moment, Jupiter, your reputation also precedes you. 

Jupiter: I am fascinated. Do tell! 

John: My understanding is that as the planet of expansion, you tend to, well, expand things… 

Jupiter: You catch on quickly! I don’t see a point here yet, though… 

John: If I could finish the statement, please. 

Jupiter: As you said, it’s your world. 

John: Consequently, there is a distinct tendency for you to expand the truth. How do you respond to that? 

Jupiter: You’re saying that I exaggerate, that I somehow make things bigger than they should be, that I intentionally increase… 

John: I’m going to start calling you Monsieur Roget if you’re not careful. 

Jupiter: Who’s that? 

John: The guy who wrote a famous thesaurus. 

Jupiter: I love those! There can always be more ways of expressing the most glorious…[looks at John] You crossed your arms again. That can’t be good. 

John: To borrow a phrase, ‘you catch on quickly’. [pause] Would you care to answer my question? 

Jupiter: Of course! 

John: “Of course”? Is that the answer to my question or a signal that you will eventually answer it? 

Jupiter: You do NOT give up! But yes, I will absolutely answer it. 

John: Excellent. That’s what we’re all waiting for. 

Jupiter: Then you shall have it. The short answer is yes, I do have a tendency to exaggerate things. 

John: Everything or just some things? 

Jupiter: Everything. If you’re going to exaggerate, you gotta do it big. 

John: That could almost be your motto! 

Jupiter: What? “Gotta do it big!”? 

John: That’s what I’m thinking. 

Jupiter: Can’t deny it! Sounds good to me! 

John: I realize this is kind of a leading question, but here goes: Don’t you see any potential problems with making everything bigger? 

Jupiter: It’s what I do. It’s up to guys like you to figure out potential problems. But generally speaking, as I was saying earlier, people like having me around. 

John: Well, I would posit that they like the IDEA of you about half as much as the actual you. 

Jupiter: [mock frown] Wow, you went all Andy Rooney on me there. Kind of a downer, aren’t you? That’s why Saturn likes you so much! That old bastard brags on you all the time. 

John: In Jupiter-speak, that means he made a moderately favorable statement about me at one time. Correct? 

Jupiter: [hands up] You got me! [smirks] Yeah…I don’t really pay attention to amounts or numbers. I mean, it’s the overall view of life, that’s what counts. 

John: Just making sure. I’d like my readers to make sure they have an accurate picture of who you are. 

Jupiter: Well, I mean, to be fair, accuracy has its place, but I need to be free to take some poetic license! The idea that words mean exactly what they’re supposed to is so…Mercury’s department. 

John: Of course. [writes on iPad] So let’s see. Desperate need for freedom: check. Exaggeration of the truth: Check. 

Jupiter: Now wait a second! What is truth? How can you say I exaggerate if we don’t talk about what that IS? 

John: As you may recall, I was attempting to get to that topic a little earlier. 

Jupiter: [thinks for a moment] Ah yes! Of course you were! The truth is really about how I see the world, and that can change. 

John: So what you’re saying is that your “truth” evolves, based on the overall principles and situations I find myself in at a given point in my life? 

Jupiter: Will you look at that! That’s EXACTLY what I’d have said.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 1

John: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my pleasure to… 

Jupiter: [game show announcer voice] NOW INTRODUCING THE ASTROLOGICAL PLANET THAT REQUIRES NO INTRODUCTION! THE ONE AND ONLY JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPITERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHOOP WHOOP!!! [pumps fist repeatedly] 

John: [glowers and crosses arms] I’ll wait. [pause] 

Jupiter: Oh, come on! You were going to introduce me the same way as everyone else? 

John: [pause and collects himself] You start off by doing an over-the-top introduction to say you don’t need an introduction?

Jupiter: [thinks] OH YEAH! I guess I did do that! 

John: You’re supposed to be the philosophical planet, right? 

Jupiter: [smiles] The rumors are true! 

John: Well, how about the philosophy of allowing the guy who writes the blog to introduce the guest? 

Jupiter: For the record, we’re more like FAMILY! I mean…this whole guest nonsense… 

John: Semantics! You’re just trying to justify overstepping your bounds, Jupiter. I’m not prepared to continue until I receive an apology. 

Jupiter: [contrite] I might have gotten a teensy bit carried away? 

John: Quite. 

Jupiter: FINE. [pause] I am very sorry, dear sir, and declare that I will… 

John: That’s more than enough, Jupiter. Thank you for that. I accept your apology. [picks up iPad] So why don’t you start by telling us about yourself? 

Jupiter: Dude, are you kidding? Everybody knows Jupiter! Why should I need to? I am the most well-liked astrological planet, to be sure, and enjoy a wonderful reputation. 

John: You do have a wonderful reputation for many people. But this interview is for people who might not know you very well, so I ask you kindly to indulge us. 

Jupiter: It’s not hard being so popular, I’ll give you that! When you’re the greater benefic and all. 

John: But let me correct your earlier statement: You are not the most-liked planet. 

Jupiter: Bullshit! No one is more enjoyed than I am. 

John: Honestly, I’d say Venus is. Do you want me to ask Mercury to poll a few people and provide some hard data. 

Jupiter: [hesitates] Well, I don’t think that’s strictly necessary, John. We all know the truth, right? 

John: It’s fascinating that you said that, Jupiter, because that’s exactly where I want to start. 

Jupiter: Oooooooooooooooooooooh! Getting serious right out of the gate? Do I get Mike Wallace, Leslie Stahl, Barbara Walters, or Howard Stern? 

John: Worse. You get me. 

Jupiter: Your reputation as a tough interviewer precedes you, John. At least that’s what I could get out of that planetary jock strap before he left on his retrograde vacation. Mostly what he kept repeating was about how you had all his favorite wing flavors, and I was confused but decided not to pursue that line of inquiry. But other than that he said, and I quote, “That dude fucking rocked my world, man!”

Interview with Mars, Part 9

John: Mars, I can’t thank you enough for all of your time and your exceptionally, um, candid answers.

Mars: Sure, Mr. Flavorator. Got any more wings? I should be good after that…

 

John: [looks under table] I’ve got one more set left, Mars. Let me see…[picks it up] Barbeque ranch, I think? [hands it over]

 

Mars: Dude, you picked all my favorites today! How in the fuck did you do that? [opens container and begins eating a wing]

 

John: I always do research on anyone I’m going to interview, Mars, and those people I asked about you were very forthcoming.

 

Mars: Fuck yeah, dude! Well, let’s get it on! By the time people read this thing, I’ll be in Aries kickin’ ass and takin’ names!

 

John: There are those who call you a “dumb jock.” What do you say?

 

Mars: First of all, fuck them for sayin’ it that way. Thinkin’ is not my specialty, but what I do, I do it well. You want to fight? You don’t go to Jupiter, or the Old Man, or that pipsqueak Pluto. You come to me. When you’re up against it and your life is on the line, I’m your guy. If that makes me a dumb jock, well…at that point who needs a fuckin’ committee?

 

John: But for many people, their lives aren’t on the line and yet you still have a powerful influence over us. What do you say to those people who would say you’re a bully?

 

Mars: Get to know me before you judge me! I can help you more than you know.

 

John: How?

 

Mars: You have choices every day. You work with me, you get to know me, and I can show you how to handle conflict. Yeah, not every fight is one for your life, but you’d be surprised how often I turn up in places that you thought would be more…what’s the word I want, egghead?

 

John: “Civilized”, maybe?

 

Mars: [points at John and wing sauce flings onto John’s shirt] Dude, you got it in one! [looks at John’s shirt] Shit, dude, sorry about that.

 

John: [picks up hand wipe and rips it open] No worries, Mars. [dabs at shirt]

 

Mars: Anyway, conflict isn’t always about bashin’ in someone’s face. Sometimes people want you to think they’re nice and they act mean. When they are, you have to stick up for yourself. I can help you do that without getting physical if you understand how I work. And if it does get physical, well…then I can help you end the fight quickly, so you don’t get your ass kicked too bad.

 

John: What about what you were saying earlier about goals?

 

Mars: If you want something, I’m your guy. Venus can tell you what or who you want, but she can do that from her couch without lifting a finger. I’m the one who has to go get it, and I will if you want it badly enough. And when you’re getting laid, you can thank me…I’ll even wait for the fuckin’ gratitude until after you’re done!

 

John: That would probably be best. [closes iPad] Thanks for your time, Mars. You can take the rest of those with you. Anything else you want to leave us with?

 

Mars: Get your asses of the couch, good people, and get the shit done. Talk is fuckin’ cheap! Do your gym time. I don’t give a tenth of a fuck about anyone else but you. You’ve got a personal special operations team at your disposal, so don’t make me spend my life in the fuckin’ ready room! I want to be the warrior you call on. SO GET. IT. DONE. ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT!

Interview with Mars, Part 8

John: I want to make sure we hit everything, Mars, and you’ve got a big retrograde coming up soon!

Mars: Damn right I do! [pause] What’s next on the FLAVORATOR?

 

John: I am impressed and scared at the number of wings you have put away today, Mars. Is this some sort of record?

 

Mars: Dude, not even close. I once did 300 chicken nuggets!

 

John: At one…time?

 

Mars: FUCK YEAH! I was hurting the next day though!

 

John: [mouth drops open] No need to explain any further, Mars. I’ve seen you polish off 80 wings just today.

 

Mars: So, you didn’t answer my question, egghead. what’s next?

 

John: [checks out container] Looks like…garlic parmesan? I think?  [hands over container]

 

Mars: Another fuckin’ classic! [rips open container] So yeah, I’ve got a retrograde coming.

 

John: Before we get there, we need to step back. People don’t know how fast you move through the signs.

 

Mars: I’m not that fast, but I make up for it in PURE STAMINA!

 

John: Right. [consults iPad] Mercury told me that you move through a sign in about six weeks. Does that sound right?

 

Mars: Yup. The Brainiac would know for sure! I can’t even keep up with him. And Lady Moon? Forget it! That bitch is faster than all of us!

 

John: That would mean that about every two years you return to the same place it was when a person was born.

 

Mars: Yup, if you count the retrograde.

 

John: Just one retrograde during that time?

 

Mars: Yeah, I don’t like to take too much time off, you know?

 

John: [consults iPad] Mercury said it’s 9.48% of the time.

 

Mars: Dude, I don’t do math. If the smooth-talking little motherfucker said that’s what it is, who am I to say it isn’t?

 

John: Fair point, Mars. [pause] We were saying earlier that this entire retrograde will be in Aries for you. What are you normally like during a retrograde? Does your behavior change?

 

Mars: [pause] Yeah, sorta. I’m just not my usual self. I feel, well, more like I think Venus feels most of the time.

 

John: Meaning…?

 

Mars: Meaning if shit doesn’t get done during my retrograde, I’m not as concerned. Less get up and go, more couch. I love to get shit done, but during the nearly three months I’m retrograde, I’m lazier. Don’t bother starting somethin’ new during that time. Not worth it!

 

John: Yup. She told me she feels like work is a four-letter word.

 

Mars: Well, the last time I checked it has four fuckin’ letters: W-O-R-K. And they all call ME the dumb jock? [snorts]

 

John: [shudders] But earlier you said by being in Aries so long, you’ll give people the opportunity to push forward.

 

Mars: Yeah, man. I move into Aries in the next few days, so folks need to fuckin’ get on it ASAP; in September I go retro and I’m there until almost Thanksgiving. Thankfully I’ll be back home for the Holiday Party!

 

John: So, if I can summarize…

 

Mars: We don’t have any workout machines here, dumbass! Get to the gym to do that shit!

 

John: [facepalm] What I meant to say is that people should avoid starting stuff between early September and like, mid-November?

 

Mars: [shrugs] Huh. I guess so. My retrograde is not a happy time, man. Being on the road for that long really takes a toll on me, and I have to do two-a-day workouts to burn off all the takeout food once I get back.

Interview with Mars, Part 7

John: What about Mars in Libra? What can you say there?

 

Mars: Not much TO say, man. I call ‘em “the linebacker in a tutu”!

 

John: That’s an interesting turn of phrase!

 

Mars: Damn straight. When I’m in Libra, I’m so not like myself. It’s like I don’t want to fight at all.

 

John: Well, Libra is a sign of harmony. Conflict is, as you would say, not that sign’s jam.

 

Mars: Fuck no. And honestly even if you tell them go fight somebody, they don’t wanna do it. “Linebacker in a tutu!” It’s that kum-ba-yah, let’s fuckin’ sit around the campfire and talk about your feelings sort of bullshit. Drives me NUTS!

 

John: I think I understand now. Libra is a sign of conflict avoidance, Mars. Of course you’re not comfortable there.

 

Mars: [points at John] I know you egghead types! You’re gonna ask me to describe it!

John: That would be awesome, Mars.  

Mars: [points to his head and smiles] If you’ve ever worn a piece of clothing that is too tight or looks stupid on you because someone else asked you to, that’s Mars in Libra. You don’t want to fight so you put it on. Fuckin’ stupid but it happens.

 

John: Great that you said that, because it shows how uncomfortable you are in Libra.

Mars: You could say the same thing in Taurus. When I’m stuck in one of those two signs, it’s like wearin’ one of those protective cups on your scrot so your nuts don’t get smashed playin’ sports…

 

John: Right…I think I get it…

 

Mars: …but the jock strap is too tight or the cup’s too small and you want to take the fucker off…

 

John: Ummmm no need to go on, Mars…

 

Mars: And then you’re adjusting it but there’s no fuckin’ point because it doesn’t help and everyone’s looking at you ‘cause you’re touchin’ your nads anyway! AMIRITE?!?!?

 

[pause]

 

John: I certainly understand. At the same time, I sense that your explanation, while filled with incredibly vivid locker room imagery, will not make its way into an astrology book anytime soon.

 

Mars: You’re writing a book?

 

John: No, Mars, I’m not writing a book…it was just an expression.

 

Mars: You authoring Mercury fuck! DUDE…if you write a BOOK, that shit needs to be in there, man!

 

John: If I ever decide to write an astrology book, Mars, I promise I’ll think about it.

 

Mars: Damn right you will!

Interview with Mars, Part 6

John: So we know where you’re strongest…

 

Mars: You know the drill, dude? What is next on the FLAVORATOR?

 

John: [looks at next container of wings] It’s smeared but I think it says…Carolina something? Something Carolina? [hands over the container]

 

Mars: FUCK YEAH! That would be CAROLINA REAPER! [rips open container and bites into a wing] AWWWW YEAH! That is some FIRE!

 

John: True to form, you are much braver than I am! [consults iPad] Tell me about what signs you struggle in.

 

Mars: [snarls] Cancer! Hard to get any traction there.

 

John: [nods] Why?

 

Mars: Have you ever been threatened by a crab? Doubt it!

 

John: I’ve never felt threatened by a goat, either…

 

Mars: [laughs] OK man, true story, true story! Obvs I’ve never felt it from a goat. But Cancer wants comfort, not conflict. Unless it involves someone else bothering a family member or a close friend, and THEN I can kick ass and take names. All bets are off if you fuck with the family!

 

John: I believe I’ve heard that someplace. But what about the claws?

 

Mars: [chuckles] Well the claws are more for survival on the crab than attack. That’s why they have that outer shell. They want to play defense and skitter away…I don’t play that game! Running is NOT my jam; I embrace the fight!

 

John: Yes, I’d heard that Mars in Cancer folks tend to use your energy as a last resort, even when it comes to sticking up for themselves.

 

Mars: Yup. Not gettin’ far with the crab at all, dude.

 

John: [consults iPad] So if my math is right, there are two signs left we have to discuss.

 

Mars: [frowns] Not a fan of either of them. So let’s get it done!

 

John: I think it’s interesting that both of these signs are Venus-ruled.

 

Mars: So I gotta say, that bitch is HAWT. H-A-W-T. Don’t tell anyone but I’ve even let her spend the night a few times! She’s my girl.

 

John: I assume we’re talking about Venus?

 

Mars: No. The fuckin’ Moon! OF COURSE Venus, dick for brains!

 

John: But Taurus and Libra…

 

Mars: Both are a pain in my ass! Neither one really want to work. Taurus is too busy sitting on the couch, eating bonbons and shit like that. Getting motivated in that sign is a bitch. But I will say this: Get them started and then get the fuck out of the way!

 

John: So, you’re not motivated in Taurus or you are? Which is it?

 

Mars: Dude, get off my jock! I am GETTING THERE!

 

John: [eyeroll] My apologies. Go on. [gestures]

 

Mars: It takes a lot to GET me moving in Taurus, but when I do get moving there’s no stopping me. Hard to stop a moving Bull! Especially if there’s cake involved! But don’t tell Venus I said that!

 

John: You can count on my discretion. So a bull at rest tends to stay at rest, but a bull in motion tends to stay in motion?

 

Mars: There you go again, egghead! ENGLISH PLEASE!

 

John: Right. [thinks for a moment] A bull will run you the fuck over if you try to slow it down, AMIRITE?

 

Mars: See? How fucking hard was THAT?

Interview with Mars, Part 5

Mars: So what’s next?

 

John: I’d like to talk about what signs…

 

Mars: No, dude! What is the next set of wings you bought?

 

John: [Looks at the scrawl on the container] Barbecue ranch? That’s what it looks like. [hands over container]

 

Mars: Fuck yeah dude! [rips open container] And do you have something to drink?

 

John: [hands Mars a 64-ounce Thermos] Here you go.

 

Mars: Dude you rock! [take a drink] So what were you sayin’?

 

John: I’d like to talk about what signs you work the best in for my readers.

 

Mars: Oh yeah! ARIES ALL DAY BABY! That’s my best one ever.

 

John: Right, we got that part.

 

Mars: Who’s that woman you mentor who you call “Daughter of Mars”?

 

John: As a matter of fact, I do have a mentee with that nickname. She’s quite a fan of yours. Her name is Ren.

 

Mars: I love that bitch!  She really jives with the signs that I rule, both of them!

 

John: Well, we’ve only talked about Aries so far. What’s the other one?

 

Mars: When I’m in Scorpio, I’m also totally bangin’!

 

John: Now hold on…isn’t Pluto the ruler of Scorpio?

 

Mars: There’s a fuckin’ story there! Scorpio used to be mine back in the day. Then you fuckin’ eggheads discovered Pluto back in like 19 fuckity-fuck...

 

John: 1931 actually.

 

Mars: What the fuck ever! Anyway, these modern astrology eggheads gave him to Pluto, without even fuckin’ asking me! Dicks. Totally fucked me over.

 

John: Academics aside, how do you behave when you’re in Scorpio?

 

Mars: Dude, I rock the house in Scorpio, but I’m less up front. More subtle and shit. I’m not so much rip your face off but I’m more of a slash your tires when you’re not looking type of thing. I’m more cool and calm about it, and I wait for my shot instead of the fuckin’ frontal assault. It’s more like ninja style, more strategery and hit and run. Scary but still way fuckin’ cool, dude. You’re a Scorpio sun, so you feel me.

John: [smirks] I do indeed feel you, Mars.

 

Mars: And for the boot-knockin’ Mars in Scorpio is amazing. Mars in Aries may be a quick burst but Mars in Scorpio? Those fuckers can go all night like fuckin’ lumberjacks, man. SERIOUSLY!

 

John: [chuckles] Seriously. So you rule those two signs. I’ve told my readers about the exaltation, another excellent placement for a planet. Which sign does that job for you?

 

Mars: I know it sounds weird, but Capricorn! I know…that’s a sign that doesn’t seem like me, but I gotta tell you, those bastards can really make shit happen over the long haul.

 

John: How do they do that?

 

Mars: Cappie is something that I’m not: An organized planner and not a scrappy grunt! Mars in Aries will win you a battle, but Mars in Capricorn will win the whole fuckin’ WAR!

 

John: The whole war?

 

Mars: You’re doing it again, dude! You seriously need a hearing aid. [smile] Anyway, Capricorn wins the battle before they fight. Some guy name Sunny said something about that back in the day, amirite?

 

John: [consults iPad] I think you’re talking about Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”: “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”

 

Mars: Yeah, that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking! So yeah…when I’m in Capricorn I thrive!