When Mars Attacks...

Mars: DUDE! Like where have you BEEN? I heard rumors a few months back you might be coming back, and I haven’t seen much from you! You doing alright? 

John: Hi, Mars! Thanks for checking in on me. Yeah, I’m good…just chilling these days. 

Mars: Yeah, that’s what I heard. When are you planning to grab life by the balls again, man? 

John: At the moment I’m sort of on the sidelines, Mars, but I’m sure I’ll be back in the game anytime now. [pause] Compassion is not your strong suit, so I don’t mean to sound disrespectful or ungrateful for your inquiry but… 

Mars: How many fuckin’ times do I have to tell you I’m not Mercury?!? 

John: [holds up hand] I apologize. Let me try again: What the fuck, dude? You writin’ a book or something?? 

Mars: [smiles] That’s more like it! And no…I don’t do that literary bullshit, but Venus tells me you might be! That true? 

John: [sigh] I knew it would get out eventually. What did you hear? 

Mars: [chuckles] Don’t be too upset man…sometimes things come out in the heat of the moment, or after, if you get my drift [winks]! 

John: I do not need details of your personal life, Mars… 

Mars: So we were like really going at it a while back… 

John: Let me try again…”could you open your fucking ears and close your fuckin’ mouth about that shit?” 

Mars: Well we WERE…we do it all the time… 

John: Mars, how did SHE hear about it? 

Mars: Venus? Not sure. Probably from Lady Moon. They have these conversations like females do, you know, that I’m definitely not a part of! 

John: I can’t imagine why. [eyeroll] Don’t you planets have enough shit to do without gossiping? 

Mars: Hey at least we do it in person…these days most people do it on their phones! 

John: You mean gossip, right? 

Mars: Yeah, gossip. But they do sexy shit on their phones too, I bet! That can be FUN! 

John: [facepalm] I suspect you’re missing the point, Mars. I’ll ignore the context of the conversation; everyone knows how you feel about that sort of thing. 

Mars: DAMN STRAIGHT! It’s amazing but I get distracted by it. What the fuck was I saying? 

John: Venus telling Lady Moon about my book? 

Mars: OH YEAH! That’s it. What’s it about? 

John: Well, I’ve started writing a book on presentation skills. 

Mars: And how much a day are you working on it, dude? 

John: Well, that’s kind of a complicated answer… 

Mars: Come on, Scorpio sun! I’m not that smart but I know bullshit when I hear it! 

John: [holds up hands in mock surrender] I’m working on it, I promise! 

Mars: Get it done, man! That and your workouts. That Peloton isn’t going to ride itself, you know! 

John: Yes, I’m aware. And I’m doing that, too. Anything else you want to bug me about? 

Mars: [frown] Dude, we’re buds, right? Simpatico? It’s my job to push you so fucking deal with it! 

John: Fair enough. I’m feeling inspired to go write right now, actually, so why don’t I hit you up later? 

Mars: [nods] You know the rules, man. Kick ass. Take names. Repeat! 

John: I think I can remember that. 

Mars: LATER! MARS OUT! ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT...