Open Letter to Mercury: Enough With the Retrograde Fuckery!

Dear Mercury,


I'd like to take a moment to address your current retrograde. While I don't normally use my natal planetary placements as an excuse for my behavior, you'll excuse me in this case if, by virtue of your location in Scorpio in my chart, I use terms that might seem vulgar, crude, or downright inappropriate. You could also blame transiting Mars in Gemini, if you prefer, but I digress. 

I know Saturn may not appreciate my methods of doing business, but at least he will appreciate my candor in pointing out your shortcomings. 

I've had it with this retrograde, you consummate motherfucker. I can't begin to express my loathing for it, as it's been the worst one for the people in my world for some time. I'll give you credit for one thing: You do know how to fuck shit up, that's for certain. 

In short, this retrograde has been, to quote my friend Erica, "totally fucktrocious."

Normally, when it comes to you I can be pretty calm about your retrograde periods. I can tell people "It won't last forever" and advise them to take precautions and the like. This time I want to tell people not to communicate at all unless it's vital. Forget big conversations; even routine conversations are misunderstood right now. I'm losing time checking every email and document I work with 75 times for mistakes because just one could cause a part of my world to come crashing down. How do you expect people to apply for a new job or heaven forbid interview while you're like this?

What the technology fuck is wrong with you? You're fucking with my cable and Wifi now, too, you miserable little shit. I was watching the Women's World Cup last night and don't think I didn't see those moments when the picture started pixellating. A few times we lost our signal. Lucky for you we got it back; how dare you fuck up while the US Women's Soccer Team goes for it all! I try to calm down and watch videos like a Siamese cat singing the "Game of Thrones" theme, or a similar version with goats, just for laughs...when they decide to load, that is. And I've got phone calls dropping in my house again, too, and that shit is annoying!

For the record, if you think my friend Megan calling you a filthy whore was embarrassing, just use your mind and think about the entire LIST of names I may have called you in the silence of what some may refer to as a brain these past few weeks. My vocabulary is pretty extensive, and I'm pulling new swearwords in German from video games to supplement because I'm running out. I think "slavering goatfucker" or "quivering bag of entrails" were two of my personal favorites.

On behalf of myself and my readers, I need you to GET A FUCKING GRIP immediately because this shit has got to stop. If it doesn't, I will verbally assault you so severely that "filthy whore" will seem like the nicest compliment you'll ever receive.

Get your ass to 4 Gemini and end this fuckery right fucking now, you pissant.

Fuck you very much,

John