Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Dwarves, Bullies, and Wonder Woman

Sun: Allright, settle down, please. We haven't had a full meeting in a while, so I'm glad to see everyone. Lady Moon, is everyone present and accounted for?

Moon: Yes, sir. It appears that everyone is here on time, which is extremely rare. Especially for Neptune!

Neptune: It's not my fault, Lady Moon. I didn't expect my alarm to go off when it was supposed to.

Moon: Of course, Neptune. [pause] Sir, I think we can proceed.

Sun: Fantastic! I love this time of year. Anyway, folks, today's agenda is about our favorite blogger, John. His 20th wedding anniversary is coming up next week, and I thought we could all get together to talk about what we should do for him. I'll open the floor up for ideas.

Pluto: I've got an idea. Maybe we could...

Jupiter: [whispers to Mars]: Holy shit! The dwarf is saying something. He NEVER talks!

Pluto: [glaring at Jupiter]: Are you finished?

Jupiter: Yeah, man. Sorry. [chuckles]

Pluto: Anyway, as I was saying, maybe we could...

Mars: [whispers to Jupiter]: Dude, he's already pissed? I thought I was the one with the temper.

Pluto: DO YOU TWO MIND? SERIOUSLY! Do you know where the term "Scorpio nuclear" comes from? Trust me...you don't wanna see it.

Sun: [sighs] Sorry, Pluto. [To Mars and Jupiter] Am I going to have to separate you two?

Mars: Sorry, sir...I didn't expect the midget to get so...enraged. [Jupiter and Mars laugh together]

Pluto: "MIDGET"?? You should talk, you bully! We all know how size matters to you, douchebag!

Mercury: Mars, "midget" is a derogatory term...it's "little planet" now.

Mars: Well, maybe he can roll his tiny little bowling ball ass over here and tell me himself. Isn't that right, shrimpie? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sun: Mars, that's downright rude! Please apologize to Pluto immediately.

Mars: Why should I? He called me a bully!

Saturn: The Sun is right, Mars. You crossed the line. Apologize.

Mars: Oh, look who decided to butt in where he doesn't belong again! I'm surprised you're not too busy giving John fits these days to attend these meetings, you miserable prick!

Saturn: I think there are two apologies you need to make now, Mr. Warmonger.

Mars: "Warmonger"?? Who's doing the name calling now, Zoloft Boy? The pharmaceutical industry send your monthly check yet?!?

Uranus: I know this may be a revolutionary idea, but can we start this meeting over?

Mars: Hey, Rebel Without a Clue! Here's a nice big cup of shut the fuck up!

Moon: Mars, stop it right now!

Mars: Or what, Lady Moon? You might feel...blue?? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Moon: [staring at Mars icily] You KNOW I get sensitive around this time of the month! [starts to cry]

Sun: [Pleading] Please, everyone, stop this...we need to get this meeting back on track!

Jupiter: I'm not sure everyone agrees with that philosophy, sir. This is much more entertaining! Let's hit REPLY TO ALL! BATTLE ROYALE!!

Venus: [shouting] EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. [room goes silent] As many of you know, I'm retrograde right now, which makes me a little more waspish than usual. [pauses] Mars, dude, honestly, you're acting like biggest asshole in the galaxy right now, and if I could find your balls I'd walk the fuck over there and kick them repeatedly! You made the Moon cry! Who DOES that??

Jupiter: Whoa.

Venus: And you, Jupiter, are at least partially to blame for all this because you never know when to shut your fucking hole! You're actually encouraging this...this...entropy? I'd ask what the fuck was wrong with you but we don't have two days to talk about it! I've got a philosophical idea to ponder, though. Hmmm...let me think now. [Mimics thinking, then pauses] Oh, I've got it. Let's talk about why we even ask you to come to these meetings since you only show up to get attention, you insensitive DICKBAG!!

Saturn: Yes, Lady...absolutely right. And I...

Venus: Don't interrupt me! I'm not done yet, Old Man. You're actually only guilty of calling Mars a "warmonger" today, which, considering your past history as the prick of the astrological planets, is a pretty minor infraction. You're correct in your assessment, however, and so is Mars with his Mr. Zoloft comment. So we'll call that contest a wash so you two don't have to go outside and whip it out to see who's bigger. You're WELCOME. Fucking testosterone poisoning in here! I can only imagine what the notes from this meeting would look like!

Saturn: [winces]

Venus: [settles back in her chair] You know, I actually loved Uranus' idea of starting this meeting over again. Maybe we could all act our ages and conduct ourselves like the mature planets that we are? Pluto had an idea and no one had the decency to even listen to it. Can we re-evaluate that proposal perhaps? Hmmm?

Mercury: Lady, I was thinking...

Venus: Yes, Mercury? Out with it! You can't possibly be tongue-tied.

Mercury: No, ma'am. Well, I was thinking that Pluto and I can get together after this meeting and write up some of his ideas and submit them for further consideration. Does that sound like a reasonable proposal? That way we could adjourn this meeting early...

Venus: That's the best idea I've heard today! I second that emotion, Merc. Any opposed?

[Silence]

Venus: Motion passed and so ordered. Lady Moon, please note in the agenda that this topic has been tabled for now until we've had time to review the Mercury-Pluto proposal. Please ensure everyone receives a copy. Also, strike everything else from the meeting minutes, if you would be so kind. I wouldn't want anyone seeing what really goes on in here.

Moon: Yes, ma'am. Doing it now.

Venus: Thank you, ladies and "gentlemen". We're adjourned! Enjoy your day!

[Everyone leaves the room, led by Mars who storms out muttering what sounds like "goddamn fuckin' bitch", except the Sun and Venus].

Sun: Lady Venus...

Venus: Yes, sir?

Sun: [Pause] I know I'm supposed to be the one in charge around here...

Venus: Sir, I'm sorry. I know I overstepped...

Sun: [gently] Please let me finish. [Pause] Things got really out of hand today, but you were absolutely out of this world! I should let you lead meetings more often! [smiles]

Venus: [beaming] Thank you, sir. To put not too fine a point on it...you don't fuck with Wonder Woman, sir.

Sun: Well said, Venus. Now since I am actually in charge...in the most respectful way imaginable, I'm telling you get the fuck out of here, on your invisible jet or any mode of transportation you prefer. That's an order. I don't want to see you again until you're moving forward at 14 Leo on September 5. Is that clear?

Venus: Crystal, sir. [pause] Could I have a hug before I go?

Sun: Sure you can! [hugs her] I can't imagine what it is like to be retrograde, but it will be over soon. Even Wonder Woman needs the occasional vacation.