Monday, June 25, 2018

Mars Retrograde: Going Soft

[knocking]

Mars: Shit! I gotta go, gotta get the job done!

[opens door]

Venus: Hi Mars! How are you doing?

Mars: [pause] OK, I guess. What brings you out here?

Venus: [smiles] You, silly. Can I come in?

Mars: Well, my place is a mess...

[Venus walks in past Mars]

Venus: No more so than usual!

Mars: I'm sort of in the middle of packing, Venus, so I'm not going to be very good company. 

Venus: That's OK. I came over to keep YOU company. I haven't seen you in weeks!

Mars: Yeah, well, things have been a little nuts. I'm just off right now and I don't feel like doin' shit.

Venus: I understand. It's that time again. 

Mars: Yeah. Fuckin' sucks. 

Venus: Are you going anyplace exciting?

Mars: Probably going to head to Russia and see a few of the World Cup games.

Venus: That will be fun! 

Mars: Yeah, I guess. Lot of fuckin' angry people right now. And I've got nothing for them until I get back. People have to fuckin' chill. The whole summer's fuckin' shot to hell!

Venus:  I'm glad you're taking a break. Clearly, you're off. 

Mars: And we both know how good I am dealing with my fuckin' emotions! Why did you come over here, anyway?

Venus: Because I care about you. I know your retrograde gets you down.

Mars: I'm ashamed to even say this but I'm not even in the mood. It's been hard for me to even get...well, hard. You know?

Venus: [concerned] All men go through that sometimes. It will pass. [smiles] Don't you usually bring your "special collection" with you on business trips? That should help!

Mars: Yeah, but I'm just not feeling as horny as usual. And the last time I almost carried the special collection on the plane by accident! I do not want someone x-raying that shit. It will end up on YouTube!

Venus: Honey, I'm sure they see sex toys and porn all the time. Nothing illegal about that.

Mars: I'm just not fucking READY to go right now! I wish I could put this trip off. 

Venus: Part of the job, honey. Here, why don't you put your suitcase down for a minute?

Mars: I don't have time! I need to be out early for the flight tomorrow. 

[Venus walks up to Mars and gets in his way]

Venus: Mars! Put. The. Suitcase. Down. [Pause] Please. 

[Mars drops suitcase with a crash]

Mars: Shit. That wasn't good. 

[Venus wraps her arms around him]

Venus: I'm going to miss you, Mars. 

Mars: Goddammit, Venus. [starts to sob]

Venus: It's OK. Just let it out. [Pause] And you didn't forget to pack the lube in plastic bags this time, right?

Mars: [collecting himself] I still need to do that. 

Venus: [detaching herself from him] I'll do it. We'll finish your packing together.   

Mars: Thanks. I can't wait to get back from this trip. Hopefully, people won't be too pissed at me.

Venus: When are you back?

Mars: August 27. Too fucking long. 

Venus: Well, let's get finished so you can get some rest. 

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