John: I want to make sure we hit everything, Mars, and you’ve got a big retrograde coming up soon!
Mars: Damn right I do! [pause] What’s next on the FLAVORATOR?
John: I am impressed and scared at the number of wings you have put away today, Mars. Is this some sort of record?
Mars: Dude, not even close. I once did 300 chicken nuggets!
John: At one…time?
Mars: FUCK YEAH! I was hurting the next day though!
John: [mouth drops open] No need to explain any further, Mars. I’ve seen you polish off 80 wings just today.
Mars: So, you didn’t answer my question, egghead. what’s next?
John: [checks out container] Looks like…garlic parmesan? I think? [hands over container]
Mars: Another fuckin’ classic! [rips open container] So yeah, I’ve got a retrograde coming.
John: Before we get there, we need to step back. People don’t know how fast you move through the signs.
Mars: I’m not that fast, but I make up for it in PURE STAMINA!
John: Right. [consults iPad] Mercury told me that you move through a sign in about six weeks. Does that sound right?
Mars: Yup. The Brainiac would know for sure! I can’t even keep up with him. And Lady Moon? Forget it! That bitch is faster than all of us!
John: That would mean that about every two years you return to the same place it was when a person was born.
Mars: Yup, if you count the retrograde.
John: Just one retrograde during that time?
Mars: Yeah, I don’t like to take too much time off, you know?
John: [consults iPad] Mercury said it’s 9.48% of the time.
Mars: Dude, I don’t do math. If the smooth-talking little motherfucker said that’s what it is, who am I to say it isn’t?
John: Fair point, Mars. [pause] We were saying earlier that this entire retrograde will be in Aries for you. What are you normally like during a retrograde? Does your behavior change?
Mars: [pause] Yeah, sorta. I’m just not my usual self. I feel, well, more like I think Venus feels most of the time.
John: Meaning…?
Mars: Meaning if shit doesn’t get done during my retrograde, I’m not as concerned. Less get up and go, more couch. I love to get shit done, but during the nearly three months I’m retrograde, I’m lazier. Don’t bother starting somethin’ new during that time. Not worth it!
John: Yup. She told me she feels like work is a four-letter word.
Mars: Well, the last time I checked it has four fuckin’ letters: W-O-R-K. And they all call ME the dumb jock? [snorts]
John: [shudders] But earlier you said by being in Aries so long, you’ll give people the opportunity to push forward.
Mars: Yeah, man. I move into Aries in the next few days, so folks need to fuckin’ get on it ASAP; in September I go retro and I’m there until almost Thanksgiving. Thankfully I’ll be back home for the Holiday Party!
John: So, if I can summarize…
Mars: We don’t have any workout machines here, dumbass! Get to the gym to do that shit!
John: [facepalm] What I meant to say is that people should avoid starting stuff between early September and like, mid-November?
Mars: [shrugs] Huh. I guess so. My retrograde is not a happy time, man. Being on the road for that long really takes a toll on me, and I have to do two-a-day workouts to burn off all the takeout food once I get back.
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