Interview with Jupiter, Part 2

John: If we return the idea of truth for a moment, Jupiter, your reputation also precedes you. 

Jupiter: I am fascinated. Do tell! 

John: My understanding is that as the planet of expansion, you tend to, well, expand things… 

Jupiter: You catch on quickly! I don’t see a point here yet, though… 

John: If I could finish the statement, please. 

Jupiter: As you said, it’s your world. 

John: Consequently, there is a distinct tendency for you to expand the truth. How do you respond to that? 

Jupiter: You’re saying that I exaggerate, that I somehow make things bigger than they should be, that I intentionally increase… 

John: I’m going to start calling you Monsieur Roget if you’re not careful. 

Jupiter: Who’s that? 

John: The guy who wrote a famous thesaurus. 

Jupiter: I love those! There can always be more ways of expressing the most glorious…[looks at John] You crossed your arms again. That can’t be good. 

John: To borrow a phrase, ‘you catch on quickly’. [pause] Would you care to answer my question? 

Jupiter: Of course! 

John: “Of course”? Is that the answer to my question or a signal that you will eventually answer it? 

Jupiter: You do NOT give up! But yes, I will absolutely answer it. 

John: Excellent. That’s what we’re all waiting for. 

Jupiter: Then you shall have it. The short answer is yes, I do have a tendency to exaggerate things. 

John: Everything or just some things? 

Jupiter: Everything. If you’re going to exaggerate, you gotta do it big. 

John: That could almost be your motto! 

Jupiter: What? “Gotta do it big!”? 

John: That’s what I’m thinking. 

Jupiter: Can’t deny it! Sounds good to me! 

John: I realize this is kind of a leading question, but here goes: Don’t you see any potential problems with making everything bigger? 

Jupiter: It’s what I do. It’s up to guys like you to figure out potential problems. But generally speaking, as I was saying earlier, people like having me around. 

John: Well, I would posit that they like the IDEA of you about half as much as the actual you. 

Jupiter: [mock frown] Wow, you went all Andy Rooney on me there. Kind of a downer, aren’t you? That’s why Saturn likes you so much! That old bastard brags on you all the time. 

John: In Jupiter-speak, that means he made a moderately favorable statement about me at one time. Correct? 

Jupiter: [hands up] You got me! [smirks] Yeah…I don’t really pay attention to amounts or numbers. I mean, it’s the overall view of life, that’s what counts. 

John: Just making sure. I’d like my readers to make sure they have an accurate picture of who you are. 

Jupiter: Well, I mean, to be fair, accuracy has its place, but I need to be free to take some poetic license! The idea that words mean exactly what they’re supposed to is so…Mercury’s department. 

John: Of course. [writes on iPad] So let’s see. Desperate need for freedom: check. Exaggeration of the truth: Check. 

Jupiter: Now wait a second! What is truth? How can you say I exaggerate if we don’t talk about what that IS? 

John: As you may recall, I was attempting to get to that topic a little earlier. 

Jupiter: [thinks for a moment] Ah yes! Of course you were! The truth is really about how I see the world, and that can change. 

John: So what you’re saying is that your “truth” evolves, based on the overall principles and situations I find myself in at a given point in my life? 

Jupiter: Will you look at that! That’s EXACTLY what I’d have said.

Interview with Jupiter, Part 1

John: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my pleasure to… 

Jupiter: [game show announcer voice] NOW INTRODUCING THE ASTROLOGICAL PLANET THAT REQUIRES NO INTRODUCTION! THE ONE AND ONLY JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPITERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHOOP WHOOP!!! [pumps fist repeatedly] 

John: [glowers and crosses arms] I’ll wait. [pause] 

Jupiter: Oh, come on! You were going to introduce me the same way as everyone else? 

John: [pause and collects himself] You start off by doing an over-the-top introduction to say you don’t need an introduction?

Jupiter: [thinks] OH YEAH! I guess I did do that! 

John: You’re supposed to be the philosophical planet, right? 

Jupiter: [smiles] The rumors are true! 

John: Well, how about the philosophy of allowing the guy who writes the blog to introduce the guest? 

Jupiter: For the record, we’re more like FAMILY! I mean…this whole guest nonsense… 

John: Semantics! You’re just trying to justify overstepping your bounds, Jupiter. I’m not prepared to continue until I receive an apology. 

Jupiter: [contrite] I might have gotten a teensy bit carried away? 

John: Quite. 

Jupiter: FINE. [pause] I am very sorry, dear sir, and declare that I will… 

John: That’s more than enough, Jupiter. Thank you for that. I accept your apology. [picks up iPad] So why don’t you start by telling us about yourself? 

Jupiter: Dude, are you kidding? Everybody knows Jupiter! Why should I need to? I am the most well-liked astrological planet, to be sure, and enjoy a wonderful reputation. 

John: You do have a wonderful reputation for many people. But this interview is for people who might not know you very well, so I ask you kindly to indulge us. 

Jupiter: It’s not hard being so popular, I’ll give you that! When you’re the greater benefic and all. 

John: But let me correct your earlier statement: You are not the most-liked planet. 

Jupiter: Bullshit! No one is more enjoyed than I am. 

John: Honestly, I’d say Venus is. Do you want me to ask Mercury to poll a few people and provide some hard data. 

Jupiter: [hesitates] Well, I don’t think that’s strictly necessary, John. We all know the truth, right? 

John: It’s fascinating that you said that, Jupiter, because that’s exactly where I want to start. 

Jupiter: Oooooooooooooooooooooh! Getting serious right out of the gate? Do I get Mike Wallace, Leslie Stahl, Barbara Walters, or Howard Stern? 

John: Worse. You get me. 

Jupiter: Your reputation as a tough interviewer precedes you, John. At least that’s what I could get out of that planetary jock strap before he left on his retrograde vacation. Mostly what he kept repeating was about how you had all his favorite wing flavors, and I was confused but decided not to pursue that line of inquiry. But other than that he said, and I quote, “That dude fucking rocked my world, man!”

Beginner Astrology Starting August 1 at Sticks & Stones

‘The time has come,’ the walrus said, ‘to talk of many things: Of shoes, and ships – and sealing wax – and cabbages and kings.’ – Lewis Carroll

After long last, good people, and your many requests, Beginner Astrology is going live!

It’s been many years since I’ve offered an in-person class on astrology, much less a series. But finally, everything came together!

I’m teaching beginner astrology in person at Sticks & Stones in Fairfax, VA, on Sunday afternoons from 4:30-6:30pm. “What is Astrology, Part 1” will happen on Sunday, August 1, with other classes following approximately every two weeks. Each class is $40 and there are no pre-requisites.

I’ll list the schedule below; you’ll only see the first nine classes on the schedule at the moment, but of course, others will follow. My general plan is to offer basic classes on each planet, sign, and house eventually. As the name implies, the class is for those new to astrology, but all are welcome!

To register, please contact Sticks & Stones via phone at 703-342-2343, or email them at sticksandstonescircle@gmail.com.

I look forward to seeing many of you for what will be an excellent introduction to the study of astrology!

Sunday, August 1—What is Astrology, Part 1

Sunday, August 15—What is Astrology, Part 2

Sunday, September 19—The Astrological Sun, Part 1

Sunday, October 3—The Astrological Sun, Part 2

Sunday, October 17—The Astrological Moon, Part 1

Sunday, November 7—The Astrological Moon, Part 2

Sunday, November 21—Mercury and Retrogrades, Part 1

Sunday, December 5—Mercury and Retrogrades, Part 2

Sunday, January 2, 2021—Venus, Planet of Love and Money, Part 1

Shameless Marketing: Mercury and Jupiter Discuss Upcoming Schedule Changes

Jupiter: Hello there, excellent people! As the designated shill of the astrological planetary committee, I am here to bring you up to speed on recent happenings involving our favorite blogger. And joining me in my task today is Mercury! 

Mercury: Well, someone had to be here to make sure that there was actual information conveyed and not some exaggerated, overblown account of what is truly going on. 

Jupiter: I resemble that remark, brainiac! We can’t all be as smart and articulate as you. 

Mercury: John’s reading schedule in northern Virginia will change for the next few months. A temporary work assignment will not allow for John to read at Sticks & Stones as usual. Let me again stress the word temporary. 

Jupiter: As in the "not permanent" kind of temporary!

Mercury: [looks at Jupiter] I don't know of any other definition for that word, Jupiter. 

Jupiter: [sigh] FINE. 

Mercury: From February 1 through early May, 2021, John will continue to do readings and charts, but via Zoom only. As soon as John’s official return date to the store is determined, we’ll inform you promptly.  

Jupiter: Consider this only as a momentary disruption to his in-person services, good people! 

Mercury: Please contact John directly for any reading or chart inquiries via his email, hierophant@cox.net. 

Jupiter: And upon John’s triumphant return to duty at the region’s premier metaphysical mercantile, he will begin teaching a beginner astrology course of study! 

 Mercury: Correct. While John is designing the curriculum at present, the information we have is that it is designed for astrology beginners, and that it will be a series of courses starting with the astrological planets. We do not have an official start date, but you can generally expect them to start at some point during the summer months on Sunday afternoons at Sticks & Stones for $35 a student per class. The proposed time slot is 3:30-5:30pm, although again, that could shift. 

Jupiter: Believe me when I tell you that you do not want to miss this opportunity to learn from an experienced instructor who knows how to teach adults! And who wouldn’t want to learn more about me? 

Mercury: You may have concerns about attending an in-person class during the COVID pandemic. We hope that many of you will be vaccinated by the time the class series has its debut, but it’s fair to say that the threat of COVID-19 will not dissipate immediately, and no vaccination is 100% effective. While John will be teaching the class at Sticks & Stones and you may attend in person, you may also choose to take the class via Zoom. 

Jupiter: You only live once, good people, and who wouldn’t want to spend a great deal of time learning a 3000-year-old discipline from a born instructor who cares about long-term student information retention? You’ll feel a lot dumber than Mars if you miss out on this opportunity, and I mean have you MET him? There are boxes of rocks smarter than he is!

Mercury: I don’t recall seeing that last remark in our prepared text, Jupiter, although I did recently go retrograde... 

Jupiter: You didn’t miss it, Merc…you are just not the type to…speak off the cuff. Haven’t you ever wanted to like, you know…jazz up your language a little bit? Have some fun with it? 

Mercury: As additional information becomes available, John will transmit it via appropriate channels. I believe we have conveyed the information, and it’s time to conclude. People can reach out to John directly for additional clarification if needed. 

Jupiter: [frowns] You know how to ruin a guy’s day, don’t you, Mr. Information Junkie? You know what? WHATEVER. YOLO, good people!

The Great Conjunction of 2020

Jupiter: Old man! Thanks for coming over! Come in!

Saturn: Certainly, Jupiter. Thanks for the invitation.

Jupiter: [closes the door] Please have a seat…I brought out that hard chair with the solid back that you like.

Saturn: My thanks. May I remove my mask?

Jupiter: Of course! Can I get you something? Perhaps some 20-year-old Scotch?

Saturn: Generally, I would say no, Jupiter, but it is rather old…just a touch of it, please.

Jupiter: [hands Saturn a double shot in a glass and brandishes his own glass] Here’s to the solstice and 2021, and of course, to our upcoming collaboration.

Saturn: Indeed. [takes a sip of the scotch] You gave me too much, as usual.

Jupiter: [smiles] Give it your best shot!

Saturn: Fair enough. [puts his glass down] For the first time in a long time, we’re coming together in an air sign.

Jupiter: Yes! I am so excited. We’ve been in earth signs for 200 years, and this Great Conjunction is in the innovative sign of Aquarius.

Saturn: [pauses] It’s not completely unknown to me; I used to rule Aquarius after all before Urnie took it over.

Jupiter: I can tell you’re not particularly excited about the change. Want to tell me why?

Saturn: I know intellectually things have to change, but I keep going back to the idea that we have been doing things for a while a certain way.

Jupiter: [laughs] I hear you, man. It’s going to challenge both of us, I expect, but I’m feeling positive about it.

Saturn: I wish I had your optimism. Structures that have lasted for a long time will have to be broken down, and that’s not always easy.

Jupiter: Oh, come on, Old Man! Most of those structures you’re talking about are completely broken, anyway. You know how Urnie is; he only breaks the things that aren’t working.

Saturn: [sigh] That’s always hard for me. I set those things in place long ago. People count on them; in some cases, they live their lives by them. What’s wrong with them that they don’t work anymore? I did the job right the first time.

Jupiter: Listen, you’re too black and white on this one, as usual. You DID do your job right the first time but let me tell you something about culture: It changes. Priorities shift and people want different things. What worked 100 years ago doesn’t typically work today. Urnie knows when things need an innovative push. That’s not your strength, and we both know it, so we leave it to him now that we’re both in Aquarius. It’s not about the establishment anymore; it’s about the collective.

Saturn: When you start changing things radically, people get nervous, Jove. And Urnie has this streak toward anarchy that makes me uncomfortable. We can’t live that way.

Jupiter: Maybe it would be better if you think of it as an improvement of your existing structures? Urnie doesn’t want to re-invent the wheel.

Saturn: But again, that implies that what I did wasn’t good enough.

Jupiter: At some point we’ll need to talk about you seeing a therapist. Old people often become depressed or have anxiety, you know…

Saturn: It’s just who I am, Jupiter!

Jupiter: Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean you have to question your value or constantly tell people you’re not good enough, or just plain old “not enough”. That’s not one of your strengths, and I am well aware of the reason for it. But it does make you sort of a wet blanket.

Saturn: Delaying rewards just makes them sweeter. You are the one who wants to hand out rewards for no reason!

Jupiter: I think we’re getting off topic, Saturn. [pause] The point is that neither one of us has a choice. We’re being pushed into the New Age, ready or not.

Saturn: Hmmmmph. [pauses] I can’t deny that, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Jupiter: Hey we’ve got 200 years to run around together in air signs, so I suspect you’ll get used to it, eventually. [takes a liberal swallow from his glass] This shit is excellent, is it not?

Saturn: [takes another sip] Honestly it is lovely. [puts down his glass] The question that always goes through my mind is if I did my best; it fuels the idea that I’m never good enough.

Jupiter: I can’t think of anyone else that I would have trusted the structure building of the last 200 years to, Saturn. In earth signs, it was physical structures, economics, and lots of resource management. Now, we both will have to think differently. You know Aquarius much better than I do, but the road to the future is through progressive thinking, technology, innovation, and space travel.

Saturn: [chuckles] ‘To infinity and beyond?’

Jupiter: You knew it was bound to happen eventually. But it’s not time to be disappointment or to judge yourself too harshly.

Saturn: Humans are right about you: You’re an expansive, freedom loving bastard, but you do know a thing or two. You have my thanks.

Jupiter: [nods] We help each other out; if it wasn’t for you, I’d have no limits whatsoever.

Saturn: Yes, but don’t you hate that?

Jupiter: ABSOLUTELY. But I recognize that it is necessary. There’s a difference. I mean, how many potstickers can one really eat?

Saturn: That’s a loaded question, Jove. I hear there’s a Taurus woman who can give our esteemed blogger a run for his money on that score.

Jupiter: Yes, I’ve heard of her, too. Rumor has it she’s planning her reign as overlord of the world. She’s the one who said, “You never wake up a Taurus girl without food or sex!”

Saturn: [winces] Venusian wisdom at its finest. [raises glass] Blessed Yule, Jupiter, to you and yours.

Jupiter: [clinks glasses with Saturn] Blessed Yule, Old Man, and I welcome the arrival of the sun into Capricorn. Longer and better days lie ahead.