Status Updates with the Sun and Moon

John: Good afternoon, Lady Moon!

Moon: Hello, John! Great to see you. I was wondering when you were going to turn up!

John: You should know I can’t stay away from you for long, young lady.

Moon: [beams] You are still a charmer! I sometimes wonder if you think about me at all with that Saturn-ruled Moon of yours.

John: Are you kidding me? I think about you all the time, Lady Moon. I just don’t let everyone else know that I do. But you know I do, and isn’t that what counts?

Moon: [sigh] I guess. Let’s head in because I’m trying to keep Sol on schedule today.

[Moon opens door into the Sun’s office]

Sun: John! Great to see you! [comes around desk and hugs John]

John: Hi there, boss! Happy to see me, huh?

Sun: Certainly. Always! I expected you months ago, but I know things are nuts in your little world. There’s a reason why Mercury and Jupiter are always watching your social media accounts!

John: Fair point, sir.

Sun: And I hear congratulations are in order! 30 years of astrology and tarot study. That’s impressive.

John: [nods his head] Thank you, sir. I’m humbled and honored.

Sun: Luna, would you close the door, please? And then come over and take your seat next to me.

[Moon closes the door behind them and sits near the Sun’s desk. The Sun returns behind his desk and sits down. John picks up cold diet root beer in front of his usual chair.]

John: So, how is everything going?

Moon: Well, I’d ask you the same question, young man. I’ve been a little worried about you!

John: Oh? Why is that?

Sun: We know that you don’t have a space in that lovely little town by the river anymore. Luna was telling me you did business there for what? 14 years?

[Luna nods]

John: Yes, sir. My professional practice started there.

Moon: And how are you feeling without space to read there anymore?

John: It was time for that part of my life to end, Lady Moon.

Sun: You sound more like Saturn all the time!

Moon: Sol, will you let the young man finish?

Sun: Sorry, Luna. [Pauses] Go ahead.

Moon: I’m sorry that you had to leave a place that was very comfortable for you. That must have been hard.

John: Yes, ma’am. In some ways it was, and it some ways it wasn’t.

Moon: You’re being evasive, John. You should know you can’t hide from me.

John: [blushes] Of course not, ma’am. But I meant what I said. I had a strong feeling the end was coming quite a while back, so it wasn’t truly a surprise. And I’m so busy already! It’s not like I needed more to do. I’m truly at peace with it.

Moon: [smiles] I’m glad to hear that.

Sun: Me too! Besides, you're reading at a great place closer to home anyway. 

John: So I know things never stop up here, but since I don’t come around as often as I would like…

Moon: Fishing expedition?

Sun: Luna, give the boy a chance to explain himself.

Moon: [slightly defensively] You already get all our meeting transcripts, John. I make sure of that.

John: No offense intended, Lady Moon. That’s not really what I meant. The planets haven’t met in a while so I feel sort of out of touch.

Sun: Yes, that’s true. We’re going to have to have another full meeting once Saturn comes back, Luna.

Luna: We’re on tap for after my full phase on September 14, Sol.

Sun: And we have some other things on the docket, too. [starts looking around his desk]

Luna: Yellow folder, Sol, on your left.

Sun: [pulls yellow file folder out from a letter tray] Ah yes. Here we are. [scans it briefly]. Yes, that meeting is coming up, actual date to be determined. I also have it on record that the benefics and malefics will have various meetings as well. Luna is on tap to record at least the benefics meeting; Jupiter has already requested help. I don’t know if Saturn is allowing Luna to attend the malefic meetings.

John: Are there any outstanding taskers for me?

Sun: Aren’t there always?

Luna: The first one is that I need to see pictures of your little Mia!

Sun: After we’re done, Luna, John can show you his extensive album of cat pictures. But yes, the planets have made various requests. Mercury is wondering about updated pricing information for you. Venus asked about your next vacation. Mars knows you’re…ummmm…doing well in the gym. I’ll say it that way, since I can't quite imitate his unique...speaking style. 

Luna: And Jen’s birthday is coming up! What are you doing for her? Something special, I expect?

Sun: Luna, can I please get the business out of the way before you start going off on emotional tangents?

Luna: [frowns] These are important things to ME, Sol. She is John’s Luna, so we need to show an interest.

Sun: As usual, Luna, you’re right. The other requests are standard: Uranus wants you to use your Instagram account, Jupiter asked about how your teaching is going, and Saturn is still waiting for a blog schedule.

John: Sounds like the usual stuff, boss. I promise to take care of the information requests when I can.

Sun: [smiles] Thanks! I appreciate it. Managing these planets is hard enough so the more you can keep them off my back…et cetera, et cetera.

John: I promise, sir.

Moon: Now, can we please see some cat pictures?

Sun: [throws up hands] Fuck it. John, take out your phone and show us the pictures or I won’t get a thing done today.

Moon: Those cats are adorable!

Plutonian Essay: Why Change is Good, You Whiny Bitches!

Dear Whiny Bitches,

I don’t get the spotlight very much, and I think you humans like it that way. You don’t seem to like what I have to say, except maybe when it involves sex, but even then, you people act as if you’re afraid of me. I mean, that old bastard Saturn gets more joy on this blog than I do, and he’s more boring than nuclear waste. Why don’t you want to hear from me?

You know what lawyers say? Those crafty Mercurial fucks would tell you that you should never ask a question you don’t know the answer to. And I just did that. I know why you don’t want to hear from me. It’s because when I show up at your doorstep you may have to…shift. I’ll say that because you sheep hear the “C” word—and that’s “change” for all of you with your minds in the gutter!—and you just freak out.

Spoiler alert: Everything is temporary. Should I say it again? Everything is temporary, starting with your little life force and your miniscule amount of “influence” you think you have over the things around you.

Helen Keller might have been blind, but I respected that bitch because she called it like she saw it. My favorite quote of hers is “Security is an illusion.” And it totally is. Nothing is secure. And nothing lasts forever.

Now before you all go crying in your pumpkin spice whatevers and your White Claws about me, I’m not here to gloom and doom you. I’m being a realist.

If you embraced change and didn’t get so caught up in the moment you would realize that I’m taking things out of your life for a REASON. I didn’t say it wouldn’t hurt, and I didn’t say it wouldn’t require a sincere attitude adjustment, either. Those things could happen, and in your life, here’s a trigger warning: They. Will. Happen. Perhaps frequently. Definitely more often than you want.

Relationships evolve, sometimes out of existence. People get fired or leave jobs. And yes, those we love will die. But if life didn’t suck sometimes then you wouldn’t really get to enjoy the truly amazing parts.

I really am trying to help you out. I get carried away sometimes and use a little more nuclear than you’d care for, but I only nuke what you truly don’t need. And it’s up to me to tell you what you no longer need. Could I be nicer about it? Maybe. But it wouldn’t have the same impact, and while other astrological fucking planets with little dicks and even smaller brains would hurl insults about MY size, they don’t have the influence—the raw power—that I do.

So do us both a favor. Next time your favorite server gets a new job, or your favorite bar closes, or you have to put up with abuse from someone else, make sure my efforts weren’t in vain. Hang in there and deal with the change, and then make the best of it. Yes, you’ll have to do without your eye candy at the office when he makes a beeline for the company with free yoga classes, but in the whole scheme of things, it’s not a big deal.

Human beings are amazing and can pretty much get accustomed to anything. So get accustomed to change and then maybe you’ll be a little more friendly and welcoming when I show up. I know I’d appreciate being valued a lot more than I am right now.

Pluto

Leaving Occoquan: Moving Forward With Gratitude

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Wheel of Fortune from the Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot Deck

US Games Systems, Inc. 

As many of you know by now, Pin Curls Salon, my home for the past two years, is closing its doors next week. Stylist Lynda Lee has been an incredibly gracious host for offering me a place to serve my clients. As she will be moving into a shared space, I won’t be able to accompany her there. My last day reading cards at Pin Curls was today, August 24, 2019.

What this means is that for the first time in nearly 14 years, I won’t have an Occoquan home. This is a big change for me and for my practice, since I began my professional life there. While I’m a big “never say never” person, it seems likely that I won’t be reading in Occoquan in the foreseeable future. I met most of my clients for the the first time there, so I have a sentimental attachment to it. But as the Wheel of Fortune says, "Everything has a time and a season."

Like many changes, this is a mixed bag emotionally, but the first feeling I’ll acknowledge is gratitude. I’d like to thank all of you—clients, students, and mentees—for your patronage in Occoquan over these past 14 years. I’m incredibly grateful for having the opportunity to serve as a guide, teacher, and mentor.

I’ll take advantage of the opportunity by taking a few Saturdays off, and by using some of that time to work on my upcoming online tarot classes.

Many of you are likely wondering where I’ll be reading next. For the moment, I’m at Sticks & Stones in Fairfax every Tuesday from 5-7pm. I’ll also be reading there all day on Sunday, September 1, from 12-7. Readings are $50 there.

I’m also doing in-person readings at the NoVA Pagan Pride event on Saturday, September 28 at George Mason University in Fairfax. Readings there will also be $50.

If Fairfax is too far for you, I offer readings via Zoom, a videoconferencing program that is free to download and use. While not “in person”, it mimics the in-person experience by allowing you to see me and the cards and to have a conversation; it’s got full audio and video. I’ve been doing readings and astrology charts this way and the feedback I’ve received from clients is overwhelmingly positive.

Oh, and by the way, I can have up to 100 people on Zoom at one time, so if you want to schedule a virtual tarot party that everyone can come to regardless of location, let me know. I’ve done events like this and have had great success. Halloween is coming, good people!

Remember also that I can come to you. For most northern Virginia destinations I don’t charge a travel fee. Just drop me an email or text me at 703-829-3273 and we’ll set something up.

This may be the end of my time in Occoquan, but I look forward to serving you in the future. Thanks again for your past and continued patronage; I am sincerely grateful and look forward to seeing you again soon.

Three Ways to Avoid Mercury Retrograde Hysteria

Astrology has become more mainstream than ever before, thanks to the Internet and a whole bunch of enthusiastic millenials. Overall, I think this is a good thing; I was honestly worried ten years ago that astrology might die out. Glad I was anxious for no reason. Thanks millenials!

One of the side effects of this enthusiasm is that people of all ages and walks of life are learning more and more about astrology. And Mercury and his frequent retrogrades as well as their potential side effects have clearly captured the attention of a much larger audience than ever before. This raises the topic more often in public discourse, but not always in a positive way. 

Mercury retrograde has become the frequent target of blame for many people whose lives are not going exactly the way they want them to. It also is a common theme when trying to justify things people said that they might not have meant, or things they actually did mean but said in a way that was not as positive as they would have preferred. 

Nowadays, every four months people start the OMFG MERCURY IS GOING RETROGRADE! dance. And I will agree that there are some potential problems that can occur during Mercury's retrograde--usually three or four times a year for three weeks, if you're asking. But freaking out is not the best way to make use of your time.

So here are a few ways to avoid the Mercury retrograde hysteria!

1) Beware of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I hear people say "This Merc retrograde is going to SUCK!" What do you think happens when you say that? When something does happen to you, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you blame Mercury. Don't assume that it will be good or bad during a retrograde period; we all have different experiences. 

2) Observe what happens, then consider its possible relationship to Mercury without assuming there is one. I'd be the first to tell you that Mercury is an important astrological planet. But he isn't responsible for everything up there, folks, and you know it. 

3) "The stars may impel, but they cannot compel." This wonderful quote is from St. Augustine, believe it or not. This Scorpio saint reinforced the idea that we as human beings are responsible for our own actions and our reactions to what happens to us, not the stars. Can we choose different times so that the stars can help us succeed in our efforts? Absolutely. But when something does go wrong, it's not the planet's fault. Sometimes shit just happens. 

In summary, people have been dealing with Mercury retrograde periods for thousands of years. There's no need to get spun up about it. Don't give over your responsibility for decision-making to any planet!

If you're curious about how a given retrograde might affect you, consult your astrologer and they can give you more insight. But for the time being, be cautious when dealing with Mercury-ruled areas of your life; speak slowly and clearly and wait to make sure your messages are received; and be a little more patient with others without assuming ill intent.

You could feel the effects through August 20. Enjoy the retrograde and don't hesitate to send me your observations! 

Navigating the Retrogrades and Eclipses with Mars, Saturn, and Pluto

Saturn: Greetings and a sincere Happy Independence Day to all Americans. As you can see it's been a while since I've been allowed my rightful place as the undisputed most popular planet on this blog.

Mars: Come on, Old man! What the fuck are we doing today? Aren't we supposed to be off? Happy 4th to us as we schlep off to the salt mines! This is some bullshit!

Saturn: We are here by divine obligation, my boy, so let's try to make the most of it, shall we? I'm taking a break from my retrograde to be here today. 

Pluto: This is bullshit. I'm retrograde too but no one seems to give a shit!

Mars: That's because you're not around at all, man. I mean, if you'd stay in the office for a while you'd actually get some shit done.

Pluto: I can get more done in an hour than you can in a week, Testosterone Boy.

Mars: No way, asshole! NO WAY!

Saturn: (scoffs) Well, gentlemen--although I should use that term loosely as it pertains to you both--we're here today to discuss the current astrological situation; namely, the retrograde picture and eclipses. 

Mars: Dude, people think it's like total bedlam these days! Soft is what they are! ROLL WITH IT! No need for the drama, amirite?

Pluto: Humans don't like change. When will you figure this out, jock strap?

Mars: Fuck and you, shrimpie! I'll take you any fucking day!

Saturn: [sighs] Will you two please pipe down? Mars, I will tell Venus if you misbehave and you won't be able to enjoy your usual carnal entertainments. 

Mars: What carnival, Saturn? What are you talking about?

Pluto: Forget it, dumbass. He means you won't get any if you keeping shooting off your asshole mouth. 

Mars: Why didn't you just say that? Well let's get this shit over with. Five planets will be retrograde next week,  but honestly, the only one you gotta worry about is Mercury. We can barely keep track of his ass when he's direct, but he'll go retrograde on July 7 at 4 Leo. 

Pluto: Who fucking cares, though? These Mercury changes are temporary so I don't see why people get all upset. I mean, really. Just fucking pay attention, people. That's it.

Mars: For once I agree with you, shrimpie! Here's how to deal with Merc retro. 1) Don't say stupid shit! 2) Don't do stupid shit! 3) Don't sign a damn thing! 4) Don't say shit you don't mean. There you go! Easy. Oh yeah...and do all this until August 20. 

Saturn: As usual, Mars, your ability to think critically is a model for intellectuals everywhere. 

Mars: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't fucking GET you half the time?

Saturn: Let me try again. [thinks hard and assumes vapid expression] Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude TRUE STORY AMIRITE!?!?

Mars: WHOA! Hey, maybe you can teach a very old dog new tricks!

[Saturn glowers at Mars]

Pluto: Shouldn't the boss and Luna be here to talk about the eclipses?

Saturn: It was our turn this time, Pluto. We were ordered to come, and you know how I feel about orders. 

Pluto: Eclipses can be a total bitch. Just hang on for the ride. I'm a big fan because they can close doors permanently and open others for the first time. You don't have to fucking like it, but that's how it is. And if you think this is fun, just watch how things form up as 2022 approaches!

Saturn: I think we can end our remarks there, Pluto!

Pluto: The people need to know, you ancient fuck! The United States was founded almost 250 years ago, and it has its first of my returns in 2022, Old Man. The revolution you see happening is another form of the cycles that led up to their first revolution. That's pretty important!

Saturn: Pluto, that was my nice way of saying "Shut up because we're done here!" 

Pluto: Old Man, did you say something? Because I wasn't listening!

Mars: We've been here too long already, little dude! Just shut up! I'm gonna bounce!

Pluto: Fine. Fuck you both. Happy birthday, America. Hope you appreciate me more than these fucks.