Interview with Mercury, Part 4

John: I think it’s vital that we recap the last part of this conversation, Mercury. This is information my readers need to hear more than once. [consults notes] So you cover the same area of the zodiac three times, three or four times a year.

Mercury: True. To complete this task, I will need to slow down while still moving forward, turn around, move backward through the zodiac for a time, slow down, turn direct again, and return to my usual speedy self.

John: That’s a revelation for a lot of my readers, I’m sure, because of the implications there.

Mercury: No implications, John. Just facts. That’s all I do, as you recall.

John: Come on. Think about it from a human’s perspective. Your retrograde periods scare people. We’ve just told them that the effects of these thrice-yearly periods are double the length they thought they were.

Mercury: Their fear doesn’t have any impact on me. I’m just doing my job.

John: You’re going to have to help me reassure people that this isn’t a terrible revelation.

Mercury: No, actually I don’t. I’m contractually obligated to do this interview about my role here, which is to provide information, apparently without access to any of my electronic devices thanks to the draconian document the Sun signed to ensure my compliance. Reassurance, dear sir, is your job. Or not. I don’t really care.

John: Tell us what kinds of things can happen during this entire seven-week period, then.

Mercury: Fair enough. Once I enter the area I’ll transit three times, as I stated earlier, things can go a little haywire. As you’ve seen, I have many responsibilities and there can be some negative impact for your readers.

John: Yes, I hear about you from people all the time. You’re not as well liked as many of your colleagues for that reason.

Mercury: Their feelings about me are truly irrelevant to my existence. Regardless, in these situations I realize that I can be inconvenient to many humans. Anything that I’m involved in can go slightly off kilter.

John: To cite a specific example, there is a greater possibility of misunderstandings between people.

Mercury: Certainly. It’s not a great time for important conversations. The more important it is, the more likely it should be put off if possible.

John: And if it can’t be postponed?

Mercury: Then I encourage face to face conversation to reduce the chances of one party or the other misunderstanding what was discussed. I always shake my head when people decide to have important conversations—or even better, arguments—via text message or one of the other somewhat impersonal mediums. Emojis don’t necessarily enhance comprehension.

John: Makes sense. A lot of folks worry about paperwork problems when you’re away from the office, too.

Mercury: Those potential problems are easier to handle. You’ve really got to review documents carefully. In the case of something like an important contract or a house purchase, for example, have someone else look them over, too, in case you missed something. And please make copies of everything so you’re covered if your important documents, like your tax forms, get lost in the mail.

John: That’s good advice in any case. That very thing happened to me this year. I emailed my information to our tax preparer and somehow, when I got the confirmation that it had been delivered, it said it had arrived in El Paso, Texas. My accountant is maybe five miles from here, in Virginia.

Mercury: What happened?

John: After some digging, I found out my accountant got everything just fine. Turns out that the package tracking number had been used on two different packages! What are the chances? And that wasn’t even during a retrograde!

Mercury: Whoa. That’s really random.

John: And speaking of random, I will say that I suspect that for many, it’s the vexing technology problems that arise during these retrograde periods of yours that people remember.

Mercury: Look, all of you carry networked computers that fit in your pockets. The point of these devices is communication, so you have to expect that when I’m out of the office there are going to be some inconveniences.

John: Yes. There’s a greater likelihood that messages will go awry: trouble downloading or sending emails or texts, struggles with any social media platform, or other bizarre communication errors are common.

Mercury: Very true. There’s not a ton you can do about those, but you can lessen the chance of them happening by updating the apps on your devices, for example, only when necessary during my retrogrades. It’s a bad move to perform any kind of hardware and software upgrades as well; as with difficult or important conversations, try to wait if you can.

John: And if you can’t wait?

Mercury: [shrugs] Hope you backed everything up!

John: That’s an awfully glib thing for you to say, but you don’t care, do you?

Mercury: If I told you I did, it would be a lie. [pause] But there are a few good things to do when I go out of town, and the “re-“ in retrograde is a good reminder.

John: Such as…?

Mercury: To start with, it’s a good time to re-lax. Re-tool old projects. Re-examine situations with a critical eye. Re-edit that manuscript you’ve been working on. Basically, finish up loose ends on things that you’ve started. Beginning new projects isn’t a great idea, but these periods can help you be more efficient and effective.

Interview with Mercury, Part 3

John: Speaking of going back to things…

Mercury: I knew we’d get here eventually. Let’s do this…it may bother lots of people, but it doesn’t bother me. I’m just doing my job.

John: One of the most common questions I get is what happens when you go retrograde.

Mercury: Of course it is! So many people only know about me because of my retrograde periods. And you astrologers don’t help at all. You hype it and then people take that information and freak out. Again, it’s not my responsibility to do that. You people ought to know better.

John: I won’t disagree, but let’s present the real story, with just the facts, if you would.

Mercury: [smiles] Definitely. Let’s start with the basics. Retrograde means “backward”. As planets move through the zodiac, normally we are moving in direct motion; that is to say, we move forward through the degrees and signs. I start at 0 degrees of a sign and move through it until I reach 29 degrees 59 minutes. Then I enter another sign.

John: But during this period, you go backward through the zodiac degrees and signs?

Mercury: Correct. We’re moving ahead too quickly though. HAH! A little humor there. Anyway, let’s set the scene a little bit here for the readers.

John: I find the best way to show folks is to describe a situation and then show the chart. So, let’s take your next retrograde coming up and break it down. [checks iPad] My ephemeris says you’ll go retrograde again on June 18, and that you will travel from 14 Cancer 46 back to 5 Cancer 30.

Mercury: Not so fast. The information you presented is correct but incomplete. Tell me something. When do I pass 5 Cancer 30 before the retrograde begins?

John: That would be on June 2.

Mercury: Excellent. THAT, dear sir, is the date that people should be concerned about.

John: Really? Why?

Mercury: Because that is when I enter the area that I will cover three times for the retrograde cycle. At that time, my powers start to get a little bit unreliable. Astrologers like you call it the Mercury shadow.

John: That’s an important distinction. I’ll put the chart up to illustrate.

Mercury: From June 2 to June 18, I am still moving forward; in other words, the retrograde period still has not officially begun. But I’m slowing down! I can’t turn on a dime, so I have to get slower and slower until I start moving backward in the zodiac on June 18. When I turn around, there is a brief period when I won’t be moving at all, and then I start going backward. That point where I start moving backward is called the retrograde station.

John: Right. And your power is based on your speed, right? So, you’re moving backward on June 18, but not at full speed.

Mercury: Absolutely. I can’t just put the pedal to the metal; I ramp up my speed slowly, heading backward now.

John: How long are you officially retrograde? In other words, from retrograde station until you turn direct again, how long is it?

Mercury: Usually about three weeks. In this case, it will be from June 18 until July 12.

John: And of course, you have to slow down again before you change directions.

Mercury: Precisely. But when I reverse myself yet again, on July 12, I’ll arrive at what we call my direct station. I’ll be in direct motion again, moving forward through the zodiac at 5 Cancer 30.

John: I see what’s happening. You’re not up to full speed again yet, so we have another shadow period until…

Mercury: Until I return to the point where I went retrograde in the first place, at 14 Cancer 46.

 John: That won’t be until July 26!

Mercury: Sure. What’s your point?

John: You’re not retrograde for three weeks; it’s more like seven weeks. Tell me how that is the same!

Mercury: That’s an inaccurate statement. You asked me earlier how long I was retrograde—moving backward. I told you about three weeks, and that’s correct. I arrive at retrograde station on June 19, and I arrive at my direct station on July 12. That’s about 3 weeks. [hesitates]

John: [motions him on] Go on. I want them to hear this directly from the horse’s mouth.

Mercury: I’ve always found that to be a bizarre turn of phrase.

John: Don’t distract me with word games, now. You said you cover the same ground three times. And as you do so, what happens?

Mercury: Ah ha…now you’re asking the right question!

John: Out with it.

Mercury: [pauses] The impact of transiting the same area of the zodiac three times could be felt for as long as seven weeks, from the time I enter until the time I leave that zone.

Three Ways to Avoid Mercury Retrograde Hysteria

Astrology has become more mainstream than ever before, thanks to the Internet and a whole bunch of enthusiastic millenials. Overall, I think this is a good thing; I was honestly worried ten years ago that astrology might die out. Glad I was anxious for no reason. Thanks millenials!

One of the side effects of this enthusiasm is that people of all ages and walks of life are learning more and more about astrology. And Mercury and his frequent retrogrades as well as their potential side effects have clearly captured the attention of a much larger audience than ever before. This raises the topic more often in public discourse, but not always in a positive way. 

Mercury retrograde has become the frequent target of blame for many people whose lives are not going exactly the way they want them to. It also is a common theme when trying to justify things people said that they might not have meant, or things they actually did mean but said in a way that was not as positive as they would have preferred. 

Nowadays, every four months people start the OMFG MERCURY IS GOING RETROGRADE! dance. And I will agree that there are some potential problems that can occur during Mercury's retrograde--usually three or four times a year for three weeks, if you're asking. But freaking out is not the best way to make use of your time.

So here are a few ways to avoid the Mercury retrograde hysteria!

1) Beware of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I hear people say "This Merc retrograde is going to SUCK!" What do you think happens when you say that? When something does happen to you, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you blame Mercury. Don't assume that it will be good or bad during a retrograde period; we all have different experiences. 

2) Observe what happens, then consider its possible relationship to Mercury without assuming there is one. I'd be the first to tell you that Mercury is an important astrological planet. But he isn't responsible for everything up there, folks, and you know it. 

3) "The stars may impel, but they cannot compel." This wonderful quote is from St. Augustine, believe it or not. This Scorpio saint reinforced the idea that we as human beings are responsible for our own actions and our reactions to what happens to us, not the stars. Can we choose different times so that the stars can help us succeed in our efforts? Absolutely. But when something does go wrong, it's not the planet's fault. Sometimes shit just happens. 

In summary, people have been dealing with Mercury retrograde periods for thousands of years. There's no need to get spun up about it. Don't give over your responsibility for decision-making to any planet!

If you're curious about how a given retrograde might affect you, consult your astrologer and they can give you more insight. But for the time being, be cautious when dealing with Mercury-ruled areas of your life; speak slowly and clearly and wait to make sure your messages are received; and be a little more patient with others without assuming ill intent.

You could feel the effects through August 20. Enjoy the retrograde and don't hesitate to send me your observations! 

Navigating the Retrogrades and Eclipses with Mars, Saturn, and Pluto

Saturn: Greetings and a sincere Happy Independence Day to all Americans. As you can see it's been a while since I've been allowed my rightful place as the undisputed most popular planet on this blog.

Mars: Come on, Old man! What the fuck are we doing today? Aren't we supposed to be off? Happy 4th to us as we schlep off to the salt mines! This is some bullshit!

Saturn: We are here by divine obligation, my boy, so let's try to make the most of it, shall we? I'm taking a break from my retrograde to be here today. 

Pluto: This is bullshit. I'm retrograde too but no one seems to give a shit!

Mars: That's because you're not around at all, man. I mean, if you'd stay in the office for a while you'd actually get some shit done.

Pluto: I can get more done in an hour than you can in a week, Testosterone Boy.

Mars: No way, asshole! NO WAY!

Saturn: (scoffs) Well, gentlemen--although I should use that term loosely as it pertains to you both--we're here today to discuss the current astrological situation; namely, the retrograde picture and eclipses. 

Mars: Dude, people think it's like total bedlam these days! Soft is what they are! ROLL WITH IT! No need for the drama, amirite?

Pluto: Humans don't like change. When will you figure this out, jock strap?

Mars: Fuck and you, shrimpie! I'll take you any fucking day!

Saturn: [sighs] Will you two please pipe down? Mars, I will tell Venus if you misbehave and you won't be able to enjoy your usual carnal entertainments. 

Mars: What carnival, Saturn? What are you talking about?

Pluto: Forget it, dumbass. He means you won't get any if you keeping shooting off your asshole mouth. 

Mars: Why didn't you just say that? Well let's get this shit over with. Five planets will be retrograde next week,  but honestly, the only one you gotta worry about is Mercury. We can barely keep track of his ass when he's direct, but he'll go retrograde on July 7 at 4 Leo. 

Pluto: Who fucking cares, though? These Mercury changes are temporary so I don't see why people get all upset. I mean, really. Just fucking pay attention, people. That's it.

Mars: For once I agree with you, shrimpie! Here's how to deal with Merc retro. 1) Don't say stupid shit! 2) Don't do stupid shit! 3) Don't sign a damn thing! 4) Don't say shit you don't mean. There you go! Easy. Oh yeah...and do all this until August 20. 

Saturn: As usual, Mars, your ability to think critically is a model for intellectuals everywhere. 

Mars: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't fucking GET you half the time?

Saturn: Let me try again. [thinks hard and assumes vapid expression] Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude TRUE STORY AMIRITE!?!?

Mars: WHOA! Hey, maybe you can teach a very old dog new tricks!

[Saturn glowers at Mars]

Pluto: Shouldn't the boss and Luna be here to talk about the eclipses?

Saturn: It was our turn this time, Pluto. We were ordered to come, and you know how I feel about orders. 

Pluto: Eclipses can be a total bitch. Just hang on for the ride. I'm a big fan because they can close doors permanently and open others for the first time. You don't have to fucking like it, but that's how it is. And if you think this is fun, just watch how things form up as 2022 approaches!

Saturn: I think we can end our remarks there, Pluto!

Pluto: The people need to know, you ancient fuck! The United States was founded almost 250 years ago, and it has its first of my returns in 2022, Old Man. The revolution you see happening is another form of the cycles that led up to their first revolution. That's pretty important!

Saturn: Pluto, that was my nice way of saying "Shut up because we're done here!" 

Pluto: Old Man, did you say something? Because I wasn't listening!

Mars: We've been here too long already, little dude! Just shut up! I'm gonna bounce!

Pluto: Fine. Fuck you both. Happy birthday, America. Hope you appreciate me more than these fucks.

Mercury Retrograde Update from Venus

Good day everyone! Venus here with an update on Mercury's retrograde.

First of all, I sincerely apologize if my own recent retrograde caused you any problems. Here's when I went direct.

I hate causing strife, but I also hate when people are unhappy. So hopefully my business trip allowed you to take a closer look at your own values and make better choices about the beautiful people and things in your lives right now. And if you indulged in some retail therapy, I hope you didn't regret your choices, or that you kept your receipts.

But do not fear...I'll be done with my shadow period--that place that I'm crossing for the second time moving forward between 25 Libra and 10 Scorpio--in a few short weeks so you can start making some decisions and moving your lives forward. And no retrograde again for me for nearly two years. So thanks so much for your patience; I really do hope my departure provides opportunities for re-evaluation and growth.

Speaking of retrogrades, my communicative colleague Mercury is out and about again. Honestly, he can't still for very long. Three times a year for three weeks is his usual schedule, so there's no real need to freak out. To be fair, you do know that he's going. He would suggest that you put those dates in those hand-held computers you adore so much so that you don't have to wonder. Less upset = better life!

Unfortunately, my fast-moving colleague is already making his presence felt. See the chart below!

 I got a very garbled voicemail from him that I couldn’t really make sense of. It’s unsettling! Word has reached me that one person got the week of Thanksgiving mixed up with the week after Thanksgiving when she made reservations to travel! It’s just terrible that the person had to give up some time with a special friend because of Mercury. Simply awful! And think of the money wasted in change fees.

And our favorite blogger is also not immune. He had to make a last-minute trip in the lead-up to Mercury’s departure as well, which forced him to cancel a number of his own appointments. You just never know where Merc’s influence will slow you down or cause chaos. I still adore him, but I accept him for who he is, you know? John’s traveling again soon so I know he’s making sure that there are no problems that he can correct.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the rest of what I hope has been a very pleasant weekend with your loved ones. See you again soon as I re-start my journey through Scorpio!

Warmly,

Venus

Mercury Retrograde: Letter from the Caribbean

Jupiter: Are you there, Saturn? It's me, Jupiter! 

Saturn: [unlocks door] Don't you have other things to be doing, Jupiter? And if you think you're going to fool me into somehow saying "By Jove!"...

Jupiter: [laughs] No, Old Man. Nothing like that. You going to invite me in?

[After a pregnant pause, Saturn holds the door open]

Jupiter: Thank you. I sincerely apologize for not texting beforehand. Oh, wait...you don't text so you wouldn't have known anyway.

Saturn: [grunts] Fair enough. So why are you here?

Jupiter: I was over at the office and some mail came in for you. Well, it looked like your style: Plain, #2 pencil, that sort of thing, and it turns out it is for you.

Saturn: So you decided to do Mercury a favor? That's awfully generous of you.

Jupiter: Unlike a certain planet I know, I'm always expanding my horizons. [smirk]

Saturn: I give you "harrumph", Jupiter. "Harrumph," I say. Get to the point! 

Jupiter: This letter from John came in a while back and I guess it was just before Merc went retro. So it's been sitting in the mail room and...well, now you have it. [hands over envelope]

Saturn: [turns away from Jupiter, then turns back] You're just going to ask me what he said anyway, right?

Jupiter: Yup.

Saturn: How about the boundary of privacy?

Jupiter: YOU may be good with boundaries, Old Man, but have you MET me?

Saturn: [sigh] FINE. Let me read it.

"Dear Saturn,

I greet you, dear sir, from the middle of the Caribbean. We are well on our way to Amber Cove in the Dominican Republic. We spent today in Grand Turk in the Turks and Caicos Islands, part of the old British West Indies, and I must say it was lovely.

By your standards, I have spent the past several days doing things that make you uncomfortable. These activities included ignoring my diet, drinking, gambling, going to a spa, drinking, gambling, relaxing and generally speaking not thinking about you at all."
Saturn: [sigh] It always goes back to you and Neptune, doesn't it?

Jupiter: He's on vacation overseas. Damn right it does. Keep going!

"That last sentence does not mean that I wish you any ill will, Old Man; let me make that clear. But those closest to me have told me repeatedly that your influence over me has been very strong as of late—working too much mostly, but not feeling my usual chipper self, either—and as such I have been listening to their wise counsel. Consequently, this my first attempt at anything resembling work in the past four days.

To be fair, you’re the only planet I’m really talking to at the moment. I’ve even done the unthinkable: I’ve banished Mercury from my life over the past few days by not using the Internet here on the ship. My communications have been done the old-fashioned way: in person with other human beings. There are no messages coming in from the outside. The only thing missing is #2 pencils and you’d be...well I’d never say “happy”. Not sure what I’d say. “Less unhappy than your usual self” is a possibility, I guess.

Anyway, I wanted to take a moment while I’m not focused on everything else to thank you. I understand you have very little use for my gratitude, or anyone else’s, but please hear me out just the same.

While you have pushed me toward working too much and keeping my future in mind all the time—even when I’d rather not think along those lines—I have a big milestone coming up and you’re one of the many reasons I’m going to achieve it.

When I attended my first State of the Art astrology conference back in 2014, I was definitely feeling like a poser. I knew some astrology, sure, and I had been studying on my own for some time. But that was my first real exposure to professional astrologers. And I aspired to be one of them; not a fly by night astrologer who just sort of vomits up whatever comes to mind in a chart, but doing them in a very Saturnian way: Lots of practice, preparation of each individual chart, and then the serious delivery. I know I can’t reach the mastery level of astrology without my 10,000 hours of study, so over the past nearly 10 years I’ve put my efforts in that direction."

Jupiter: Wow. 10,000 hours to become an expert in something? Who knew? I mean...

Saturn: [holds up a hand] Likely I'm the only one of the planets who knew that, Jupiter. My influence can be powerful. Now stop interrupting!

"Now, after three years of astrology schooling, I’m ready to receive my certificate. It’s all review from here on out...the new material is over in class. A decent percentage of my classmates that I started with won’t finish, but thanks to you and your drive to learn my lessons well and truly, I will graduate.

I can feel good about the huge accomplishment and all of the sacrifices it took to get me here. The financial commitments—tuition, materials, books, and trips to school—were part of it. But I’ve spent the vast majority of my Monday nights for nearly three years in three hours of school and learning these lessons. Then there are all the evenings I spent studying with other private instructors, which I’m still doing.

I’m paying forward the generosity of others by mentoring as many astrologers as I can by spending time with them to help them grow. I feel a Saturn obligation to do right by them as others have done for me. You would be proud of all of them, dear sir; if I’m lucky, all of them will go on to become astrologers in their own right and help others. That alone will be thanks enough.

Before you ask, I don't have any mentees that favor you. Sorry, Old Man."

[Jupiter stifles a few giggles, as Saturn sends a "DO YOU MIND?" look his way.]

"As much as I don’t want to admit it most days, I show much more of your influence than other planets. And while you are overly serious, I do understand and appreciate the positive impact you have had on me. I hope every one of my undertakings makes you proud to call me one of your own.

This is one more milestone, and I am aware that the learning will never end, until the day when I must bow to you. Speaking personally, I hope that day doesn’t come for quite a while. My certificate is only the beginning of what I hope will be an amazing career for me for many years to come.

Very truly yours,

John

PS: I won about $400 off of the Kronos slot machine! Your Greek incarnation is a lot more generous than you are. And tell Jupiter the Zeus machine just took our money. What's up with THAT?"

Jupiter: Wow! Even you will have to admit that this is incredibly thoughtful. And I give that man credit for putting up with you all these years. [chuckles]

Saturn: This visit is at an end, Jupiter. Please close the door on your way out. 

Saturn's Mercury Retrograde Blog

Dear Readers,

I greet you on this lovely Saturn's day. 

As you are no doubt aware, you have not seen a blog from John in some time. As I understand it, he's been exceptionally lazy and on vacation for at least part of the time, though I can't possibly accept that as an excuse.

Thankfully for John, he has exceptional guest bloggers like Tara and Ren who do seem to understand the value of hard work. I'm ashamed on their behalf for our blogger's sloth of late.  

What I don't understand is how a person who feels my influence as keenly as he does isn't working constantly to better himself, but I digress.

The Sun has asked me nicely to come on and present some information about Mercury's upcoming retrograde. I find this continual focus on Mercury's thrice-yearly deviation from his natural progression to be somewhat annoying and explained this very fact to the Sun. To his credit, he listened and then told me I was the only truly responsible planet and then ordered me to do it. So here I am. 

Mercury has taken his leave of us--again--and so it is now up to you to find things to blame on him. Some of the most common occurrences during his business trips include:

• Communication problems of all kinds, both between people, between machines or networks, or both;
• Events that are scheduled, and then changed or canceled at a moment's notice;
• Technology problems of every stripe; and
• A lack of ability to see things that are painfully obvious.

John's most recent example happened several days ago when he was signed up to do a local psychic fair. The forecast was for rain changing to snow in the afternoon prior to the evening event. John followed up with the event organizers and was told the event would go on in spite of the weather. 

So John, fulfilling his duty and being a man of his word, went over, prepared to...ummm, do whatever it is a psychic does. Sounds more like Neptune nonsense, if you ask me. 

Of course, once he arrived there, an hour later he received two emails...one that said the event was occurring, and a later one that said the event was canceled. So John got in his car and headed home, wasting precious resources because Mercury couldn't perform. 

The point I'm trying to make, dear readers, is that Mercury is an unreliable planet on the best of days, but while he's out and about you need to be especially careful. To wit:

• While I'm not a technology fan since none of you can put down those hand-held computers you love so much I would suggest postponing any maintenance or upgrade on any of them at this time. 

• Also, please use caution when exercising your normally fervent consumer urges by not purchasing technology or big-ticket items, like cars or homes, during this time. 

• Finally, this is not a good time to have conversations that are of particular import. These should also be held once Mercury has not only returned to direct motion but has finished his shadow.

One final word of caution: I expect some of these conditions to persist as far as early Sun in Taurus. Consider yourself warned. 

Having successfully fulfilled my obligation to the Sun, I will now retire. I have no idea when John will actually return, but when he does, I hope you will chastise him severely for his incredible laziness and lack of purpose. 

Very truly yours,

Saturn

Shameless Marketing: August and September Event Updates

Hello, everyone...

Let me pause my video game to give you some very important information. For those of you playing at home, I'm back to Civilization VI and I'm playing as the British.

With that said, I've had some things come up in my real-world calendar, and I will not be reading at 13 Magickal Moons for the foreseeable future. 

However, I am also doing tarot readings as well as astrology mini-readings at Pagan Pride on September 30 at George Mason University! I'm offering the mini-readings for the first time ever. I hope you'll come out and show your support!

Thanks in advance and I hope the end of your summer is wonderful!

PS: Hold on to your astrological hats for this month, folks. It's got the potential to be a bumpy ride with a Mercury retrograde and two eclipses! More on those to follow. :)

Mercury Retrograde and Shameless Marketing

Hello, everyone! Hope you're having a fantastic Mercury retrograde. Actually, I take that back...I hope you're surviving Mercury retrograde. This one has been a real bitch kitty for me and it's not over yet. 

I think the icing on the cake for me was the 12 fucking hour internet outage on Friday night and Saturday morning, thanks to my service provider. And in true Mercury form, the resolution did not come at the promised time, but four hours later. Good thing I didn't sit up waiting for it!

Anyway, I have some shameless marketing to do here, so let's get right to it because obviously, I can't count on Mercury to do it for me!

My astrology practice is evolving, folks. I've given up written reports in favor of 90-minute consultations for $100. These are done over your favorite video conferencing tool (Skype, Google, FaceTime, etc.). There's a lot of information in these consults, so I'm recording them and sending them to you once the session is over. That should help you focus on the reading instead of having to scribble tons of notes. 

Anyway, I'm interested in getting some more charts on my calendar, so please let me know if you're interested. To do a chart, I need your date, time and place of birth. If you're not sure on the time, check with your mom or your birth certificate. I can do a chart without a birth time, however; I'll try to narrow that time down for you.

Also, since I'm now recording charts, I'm going to extend that policy to phone and internet tarot readings as well. I record the reading on my end and send you a recording of it; I send a link to the MP3 when it's over. If you have a distance reading with me, and you'd like to take advantage of that service, it's $10 more, and that's the price no matter how long your reading is. It's optional, however. 

While I can't offer the recording service for readings at 13 Magickal Moons, you can record your own reading on your cell phone for no extra charge at the shop! Many have you have asked if you can, and my response is "Certainly!" provided it's for private use and isn't posted online anywhere.

Next, I've been asked for many years why I don't participate in local Pagan Pride events as a reader. I've never had a good answer, folks, so I decided that now is the time for me to step up. I'm happy to report that I'll be reading tarot at NoVA Pagan Pride on September 30, 2017, at George Mason University. I don't have a confirmed reservation yet, but I'll let you know once the paperwork has been processed. I look forward to seeing many of you there!

One other interesting tidbit: At Pagan Pride, I'll be offering astrology mini-readings for the first time. A mini-reading is a quick look at the essentials of your astrology chart in 20 minutes. All you do is walk up to the booth with your birth information and I take it from there. This is a great option if you don't have the time or money for a full chart reading but want a small taste of what's going on.

Finally, by popular demand, I'm offering the Intermediate and Advanced Tarot classes back to back this summer at 13 Magickal Moons on Friday nights, beginning on July 7! The classes will occur on most Friday nights through the end of September. All of you folks who said you were interested, now's the time; I need at least five students registered to run them, so don't miss out! Watch for the 13MM schedule to announce them, and then sign up. You've got a few months to get your calendars in order.

The intermediate course is an in-depth look at the major arcana, all four suits, and reading practice, especially toward the end. The advanced course is really a class that I gear toward whoever is in the room. In other words, if there's a topic in tarot you want me to teach, it's on the table--delivery, spreads, ethics, etc.

Anyway, I think that's it. 

Wait a minute...I guess not. I'm getting questions about the next installment of In Their Own Words, and I will say that the Wands book is in progress. If you want more information than that, maybe Jupiter will spill, but I won't. 

Thanks as always for your patronage and your attention. An early blessed Beltane to all, and I look forward to seeing you across my table soon. 

Dear Mercury, You Consummate Motherfucker...

Your latest retrograde period is in full swing, and already we are starting to see the effects down here. And as you can likely tell by the title of this blog, I'm less than impressed with your ability to function effectively right now.

I just leased a new car. Unfortunately, it has a scratch on it that the dealership says they will fix. So my salesperson--we'll call him "S"--asks me to contact him so I can set it up. I do that, and we arrange for me to come in before Xmas for the repair. 

When I show up at around 7:45, I notice I'm behind a long line of cars waiting for service and there doesn't appear to be anyone working. So I park my car and head into the service bay, where a very harried service coordinator--let's call him "T"--explains that he's the only one around right now and asks if we can wait in the lounge. So the three of us waiting there for him traipse into the next room and grab chairs. 

About 20 minutes passes and another employee--I thought another service coordinator, and we'll call him "A"--came in to ask us if anyone was just doing oil changes, and no one replied. Then a few minutes later he asked us if we needed the shuttle service. Once again, no reply. 

Five minutes later he returns and asks if I'm next. Seeing that I am, I go back into the service bay with him. He asks me where my car is and then takes the key to go get it.

He returns and asks me if I'm waiting for the car, and I tell him that I'm getting a loaner. His reply: "Who told you that?"
"My salesperson, S." 
"A loaner for an oil change?"
"I'm not here for an oil change. I'm here for scratch repair." 
"Oh, ok. Well, then you'll have to see T," and points over to his office. I guess A just assumed that's why I was there, even though when he asked us earlier I did NOT raise my hand. 

So now I'm waiting for T in the service bay and a mechanic comes out to take my car back. He has an exchange with A that I didn't quite hear and then drives off with my car. 

T finishes with his client, comes out of his office and asks if I've been helped. I explain that I'm not here for an oil change and that A told me to see him. He looks frustrated/pissed off/exasperated and turns to A. 

"A, where is his car?" 
"They brought it back. I didn't know it wasn't an oil change." [Actually, you DID know when they came to get it, asshole!]
"Did you see the scratch?"
"No, I didn't."
T seems really irritated now. "Where are the keys?"
A gestures. "Cashier's office."
T apologizes to me and strides off to get my keys. Shortly he comes back through the service area; he's clearly on a mission. 

Once T leaves the area, a second service coordinator comes up to A at his desk generally being useless. "A, you are NOT going to pull this shit all day!" A starts protesting and complaining. At one point he refers to me; I guess he thought he was out of earshot. "This guy says he's getting a loaner and I don't even know how to do that." More bitching ensues and lasts another minute or so. 

T drives my car into the bay and gets out. I show him the scratch in question. Since the paint is involved in the scratch, he says he's going to need the paint guys for this. "I'm aware of that," I reply since S already told me that when I got the car.

We go into the office, and he pulls me up on the computer. I tell him that a loaner was scheduled for me and that the painters would be here today. 
"Who told you that?" 
"My salesperson, S." [I'm thinking...is this Groundhog Day or some shit? Didn't I just have this exchange?!?]
"Well, there's no appointment for you in the computer." 

In other words, my salesperson, S,  told no one that I'd be coming that day. S didn't tell anyone anything. I apologize. T tells me it's their fault and asks if I need this done today. I tell him it's not vital to have it done immediately, and he suggests that he set up an appointment for me right before the new year so he can make sure the paint guys will be there and the job can get done. Or he can try to get the painters in today and get it done. 

At this point, Merc, you have fucked me over so hard that I'm not risking giving my car to them today only for him to tell me at 5 that he can't get it done. So I tell him to reschedule me, get my keys, and go to work. By 9:00 am, I get to work, and I just had to laugh my ass off. I could have been livid, but despite the fuckery of A, T clearly tried his best to resolve the situation. You fucked T over too, by the way, a nice guy just trying to do his job. 

So all in all, you cost me a few hours of time, and I had to stay late at work. And no, it's still not done. At this point, I'm probably going to wait until it's all over and you're moving forward again. As long as they're paying for the repair, it can wait. 

But still...fuck you very much for wasting my time and sowing confusion!

Regards,

John

Update: The date they wanted me to come in came and went with no communication from them. I guess waiting was the right call after all!

Mercury Goes Direct: And There Was MUCH Rejoicing!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mercury is going direct very soon here in Northern VA. And there was MUCH rejoicing! YAAAAAY!

OK, so we shouldn't hold the party right yet...give it until next Monday when Mercury gets back up to full speed. That should also be about the time when those of us who were just walloped by that bastard Jonas are able to dig out of our driveways. But negative effects are still possible through Sunday night. 

Speaking of getting out, I'm heading for Cincinnati on Friday for a weekend session with my classmates at the Midwest School of Astrology. With the possibility of more inclement weather coming, however, it may force me to accelerate my departure from early Friday morning to Thursday afternoon. But I'm a go...I wouldn't miss it! 

I do have some slightly good news to report: Looks like one of the watchwords for this Merc retro for me was "re-purpose". I'm getting a re-furbished iPod classic with 256GB of space and a solid state drive (no moving parts to fail), and my iPod is being cannibalized for parts and getting me a 10% discount. I even get to pick the color myself. Then Jen can have her iPod back and all will be right with the world. Suck it, Mercury! 

For those of you stuck in the snow, take it slow moving the snow and don't hurt yourselves; take Saturn's way rather than Jupiter's this time. Hey he might have a use after all! (I'm sure I'll get a nastygram about that one, but there it is.)

Enjoy the end of this retrograde period. You've earned it! 

Mercury Retrograde Sex, Anyone? (NSFW)

OK so I came across this blog and while normally I don't just post links to the blogs of others, this one seemed appropriate for Mercury retrograde...

Mercury Retrograde Sex

There aren't any naked pix where you can see anything, but likely you should look at the link in the comfort of your own home. Just sayin'. 

Maybe there will be some suggestions in here for you to enjoy the steamier side of Merc retro. At the very least, you'll get a good laugh out of it.

Not only is this a great article, but I'm constantly looking for ways to irritate Saturn and this is SURE to do it. 

Only a few more days of Merc retro left good people! HANG IN THERE!