Meeting of the Planetary Minds: Back to Business

Sun: Good morning, all! Welcome to our first meeting of 2025! 

Venus: Good morning, sir! 

Neptune: [SIGH] 

Pluto: Chin up, Nep…we talked about this! 

Neptune: I know, but [starts to cry]…I hate leaving my favorite sign for such a long time! 

Pluto: Change is inevitable, Nep, even for us. And you’ve still got a little while before you’re out of Pisces. Then it’s Aries, a whole new world you haven’t seen in several hundred years. Evolution, baby! 

Venus: He’s much more sensitive than you are, Pluto! 

Moon: Quite true, Lady Venus. The idea of being in a sign for so long is a lot. I can’t even imagine! 

Pluto: Been there, done that and I’ll agree. I went through it a number of years back when I left Scorpio, but I didn’t go all blubbering in a damn meeting. 

Saturn: This is definitely not the time or place for it. 

Sun: Neptune, I’m really sorry. Do you need to be excused? 

Neptune: [dabs at eyes] No, sir. I think I can make it. [takes a pull from his flask] 

[Pluto rolls his eyes] 

Sun: Allrighty then. Lady Moon, remind me who’s out on retrograde leave right now. 

Moon: At the moment, sir, we’ve got three planets out on business: Mars, Jupiter, and Uranus. Everyone else is here. 

Mercury: I concur with Lady Moon’s assessment. Her information is correct. 

Sun: Excellent. Thank you both for the update. 

Pluto: With Mr. “If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter” out of the way for at least another month our meetings will be free of bawdy jokes, which is a little disappointing. Not much, but a little. 

Venus: I’d agree with you, Pluto, but I still miss him from time to time. 

Pluto: [scoffs] You’ll get over it. 

Saturn: He’s not wrong, Lady Venus. 

Venus: Come on, you two. I’ve been working on him about his…how to say this in a nice way…ummm…his oversharing during meetings. Cut him some slack, please! 

Sun: That’s enough, Pluto. And you’re not helping either, Old Man. You both know better. Even though it’s only our first meeting of the year I’d like to make it through the entire agenda once without us falling apart like usual. [Saturn glowers] There are tons of transitions involving the outer planets this year, although one has already begun. Pluto, why don’t we start with you. 

Pluto: I mean, no big secret, boss. I moved into Aquarius on November 20, and I’m still adjusting. Another long period under the Old Man’s influence, although Urnie being involved will certainly make it interesting. 

Sun: I can imagine that’s true, Pluto. You’ll need some time to readjust to Aquarius, but you’ll get there. Neptune, I’d like you go next. I know it’s not easy…do you need us to table your update for next time? 

Saturn: With all due respect, sir… 

Pluto: Oh, here we go with Doug Downer! 

Saturn: [shoots daggers at Pluto] As I was saying, sir, before the grossly inappropriate and downright egregious boundary violation, I think Nep should brief out what he has. 

Sun: As insensitive as this may seem, Nep, I would like to hear from you today. You’re here and you say you’re OK, so… 

Neptune: I guess, sir. I move into Aries on March 30 beginning my shift out of Pisces. As you can see, I’m a little overwhelmed by it. I was enjoying my long sojourn in Pisces more than I can ever say and I lost track of how late it was. But I’ll be ready. 

Saturn: I’m also moving into Aries this year, sir, and no offense to Mars when I say it, but I am NOT looking forward to the next two and a half years in that sign. Just awful. 

Sun: I get that, Saturn. It may well be a challenging time for both of you. 

Saturn: I’ll hunker down and manage it, sir. 

Sun: I expect nothing less of you, Old Man. [to the Moon] Urnie’s also changing signs, right? 

Moon: Yes, sir. I’ll have him brief when he’s back. 

Sun: Very good, Luna. What’s left? 

Moon: For today, the only thing left is the upcoming Venus retrograde. 

Sun: Oh yes! That’s a big one. Lady Venus, are you prepared to brief us today? 

Venus: Well, I...I...

Moon: [holds up hand] Sir, as I think about it, we may need a larger meeting to focus on Venus’ upcoming trip. 

Mercury: I didn’t see any documentation on your upcoming retrograde on the network, Venus. There was nothing in the shared folder. Are you sure you’re prepared? 

Venus: [ignores Mercury and turns toward the Sun] To answer your question, sir, I am prepared to brief today but happy to wait. 

Mercury: Sir, there’s been no reporting on this at all. 

Venus: [blushing a little] Maybe I could use a little more time, sir, if it’s not too much trouble. [smiling] 

Sun: OK, Venus. Done and done. Lady Moon, please take this item: Once I receive Venus’ written report in the shared file, we’ll put it on the agenda. I expect to see it no later than 2/28. Is that clear? 

Moon: Crystal, sir. 

Venus: Yes, sir. You'll have it by then. 

Sun: Duly noted. In that case, that’s all for today. Are there any alibis? [pause] Hearing none, let’s adjourn. Thanks everyone! Let’s start this new year strong and have a great 2025. 

Venus: [leans over and whispers to Mercury] I did not appreciate that, Mercury. 

Mercury: [aloud] At least I don’t have to impress anyone. And the way to avoid the situation is simple: Just tell the damn truth and you won’t have to worry about what you said to people. [picks up his cell phone and walks off]. 

Venus: [puts hands on hips, mouth open] Well I never! [storms off]

Planetary Meeting via Zoom: Mars Retrograde

Sun: Good morning, everyone! It’s been a while so I figured we should all get together…via Zoom. A special thanks to Mercury for setting all this up so we could meet from home.

Mercury: My pleasure, sir. Saturn, can we see you please?

Saturn: [annoyed] I can see myself! Why can’t you see me?

Sun: We can see you, Saturn…but just the top of your head.

Saturn: [adjusts screen] Better?

Sun: Thanks, Saturn. [pause] Lady Moon, could you go over our agenda for us?

Moon: Certainly, sir. Today’s meeting is to talk about Mars’ upcoming retrograde, as well as Mercury’s, and the Great Conjunction in December.

Sun: Thanks, Lady Moon. Mars, are you packed?

Mars: Yeah, boss. I’m packed, generally. Not ready for this, but I’m packed. I leave next Wednesday.

Moon: I’m sorry, Mars. I know this is not the best time for you to have to go away.

Mars: Damn fucking right it isn’t. I mean, who the fuck scheduled for me to be in retrograde in Aries and during a PANDEMIC? That’s just cruel!

Venus: We understand, Mars.

Saturn: We all must do our duty, Mars. But you’ll go direct soon enough I expect. Bear it well.

Jupiter: [imitating Saturn] 'Bear it well!' Look how I inspire you! 

Saturn: Your feeble attempts at wit go unappreciated, you expansive cretin!

Jupiter: Ooooooh! Cretin! Hurt me some more, you dirty old man! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT!

Sun: I will happily mute you both. [pause] Mars, where are you planning to visit this time?

Mars: Not sure yet. Someplace that actually has shit open, so that means…pretty much anywhere except the US. Maybe Europe? They’re playing sports at least.

Neptune: Who would have thought that so many people would have embraced me in the last six months? I mean…if they’re not doing creative projects, they’re drinking! I never thought I could be this happy!

Sun: Neptune makes a point. People have started new workout routines indoors, Mars, so take comfort that some people are improving themselves.

Mars: Venus is in her glory! [looks at Venus] Yeah, some people are buying Peloton bikes, but do you know how many calories people are consuming these days as they sit on their damn couches?

Venus: You’re starting to get irritable. I can tell it’s almost that time of your cycle.

Mars: Oh, very cute, Venus, very fucking cute!

Venus: Seriously, though, I can’t blame people for wanting to not do anything and be comfortable, can I?

Uranus: And most of them are at least surfing the world online! It won’t burn calories, but…think of how much the world has been brought together. It’s one giant collective!

Mars: GIANT is the word, Urnie. People won’t walk afterward…they’ll fucking waddle!

Sun: Well, I hope you can try to embrace the positive as you take a walk around, Mars. You will turn direct on November 13 and be home before you know it.

Mars: I’ll try, boss, but I’ll be dealing with lots of very out of shape, pent up, horny people who can’t fucking deal. How the fuck do you handle THAT?

Saturn: Yes, even you can’t satisfy them all sexually, although I don’t put it past you to try.

Venus: [mouth drops open] That was really mean, Old Man! Well it would have been if Mars was more perceptive. 

Sun: Agreed! That’s beneath you, Saturn! Seriously, though…good listening skills would likely help you, Mars.

Mercury: His ability to be an active listener is somewhat limited, boss.

Mars: What did you say, Brainiac?

Mercury: [holds a hand up] Let me try…”Dude, sit your ass down and nod your head when people talk to you. Then look serious!”

Mars: Is THAT all it is? I can do THAT! Everyone makes it sound so hard!

Sun: [facepalm] Lady Moon, do you think we can table the other two agenda items for today? I’m suddenly feeling unwell.

Moon: Certainly, sir.

Sun: Any final remarks before we adjourn?

Jupiter: Good luck, Mars. You’ll need it.

Moon: We will keep you in our hearts, Mars.

Venus: Yes, we sure will. Hang in there and I’ll see you when you come back.

Neptune: Here’s some advice, Mars: Talk less. Smile more. Don’t let them know that you think that they’re all whores.

Pluto: Don’t die, Mars. I won’t miss you but other people might.

Sun: Let us know how you’re doing Mars. I look forward to hearing from you!

[Mars leaves the Zoom call]

Pluto: Heh. What a wimp.

Sun: You didn’t have any advice for Mars, Old Man? [pauses and looks at screen] Oh that’s right…I muted him earlier. [pauses] Shit…I should have muted myself. You can end the call now, Mercury.

Saturn vs. Pluto: Conjunction Debrief

Moon: Sol, Saturn and Pluto are here. 

Sun: Excellent, Luna. Please send them in. 

[Luna leads Saturn and Pluto into the office and closes the door behind them]

Saturn: Good afternoon, sir. You sent for us?

Sun: Yes I did, Saturn. Hi Pluto!

Pluto: [nods] Boss. 

Sun: Have a seat. 

[Saturn and Pluto sit]

Sun: So you two recently came together for your meeting, which happens once every 37 years. How do you feel like it went?

[Saturn and Pluto glance at each other]

Sun: Saturn, maybe you could start. 

Saturn: Well, astrologers make a huge deal out of this meeting and I understand why they do. Conjunctions happen every day but this one is significant. It has a lot of...import. 

Sun: And did you feel like it did this year?

Saturn: Certainly. The reports I've received so far talk about life-changing events happening. And that's to be expected. When was the last time it happened, Pluto? 1982?

Pluto: [nods] Yeah. 

Sun: And people are asking themselves about where they were then and what was going on, looking for parallels. You're weighty enough on your own, Old Man, but adding Pluto to the mix makes things a lot more serious.

Saturn: Correct, sir. 37 years is a lot of ground to cover. And as much as I question the function and validity of the outer planets as sign rulers, I have never doubted the power of Pluto. I've seen it often in the short time he's been with us. 

Sun: Pluto, feel free to jump in anytime. 

Pluto: Sure, boss. 

Saturn: We're giving people a very strong message, sir: Get it together or we'll help you do that in a more...forceful manner.

Sun: And what are people required to get together, Saturn?

Saturn: Any area that is in chaos, sir. Relationship, job, family, spiritual life, health. Pick one. I'll make sure to help folks get it structured once anything unnecessary is...

[Saturn pauses]

Pluto: Come on, Old Man. You're even slower than me today. Just fucking say it.

Saturn: [frowns] Once Pluto...obliterates anything that a person no longer needs, sir. 

Pluto: Now that's what I'm talking about! There is nothing as satisfying as destruction! Maybe decimating your enemies but...

Sun: I see. So...annihilation is on the menu?

Pluto: That's what you pay me the big bucks to do, boss. 

Sun: [Nods] Do you see how people could be unsettled by this turn of events, gentlemen?

Saturn: I understand completely, sir. The two of us together is a potent combination.

Pluto: That's an understatement, Saturn. If Mars was here, he'd probably say something like, "You motherfuckers are the one-two punch that people need!"

Saturn: [smirks] I don't want to find that amusing, but...

Pluto: Admit it, Old Man. You do a little. I won't tell anyone. I find that dumb jock incredibly funny when he's not an insulting blunt tool. Admittedly he is an insulting tool most of the time!

Sun: We're getting off topic, gentlemen. [Pause] Did you both feel like you did what you were supposed to do as you came together?

[Saturn and Pluto look at each other]

Saturn: Yes, sir. 

Pluto: Sure, boss. 

Sun: Good. I'm glad to hear it. It's good for us to debrief when these significant interactions occur. I also like to ask if there's anything else that I could have done to make your work easier. 

Saturn: No, sir. 

Pluto: I don't suppose you can stop people from freaking out about change? 

Sun: Unfortunately, Pluto, that is not in my power. Human beings generally avoid change so all we can do is nudge them along that path. 

Pluto: Until I come along and rock their fucking world, you mean. 

Saturn: Some things never change, Pluto. And you wouldn't be doing your work otherwise. It's job security. 

Sun: For what it's worth, I agree with you, Saturn. 

Pluto: What the fuck ever. Are we done, sir?

Sun: Sure, Pluto. See you at the next meeting. 

[Pluto nods, gets up and leaves the room]

Saturn: You know...anything said in here stays in here, sir, right?

Sun: Of course. 

Saturn: That little destroyer may be starting to grow on me a little. 

Sun: You two are more alike than you think, but I know how you are and it takes a while for you to come around. 

[buzz on intercom]

Sun: Yes, Luna?

Moon: Mercury is here with January's reports, sir. 

Sun: Anything else, Old Man?

Saturn: [gets up] Business is business, sir.

Welcoming The Solstice...and a New Teammate!

The Centaur Chiron Instructing Achilles by Louis Jean

[at a local Brazilian steakhouse]

Sun: Welcome, everyone! I’m so glad you could join us for this Solstice celebration! And it’s a great day for me as I have the least amount of work to do. 

[dutiful laughter around the table]

Mars: Dude, where’s the meat? You promised!

Venus: [to Mars] Umm, manners?

Mars: Fine! [to the Sun] Sir, my bad, but I’m fuckin’ starving!

Sun: [chuckles] It’s OK, Mars. I’m hungry, too. [pause] I just wanted to take a moment to recognize all of your hard work this year. Thank you very much. 

Moon: Agreed. The meal tonight comes from this year’s swearing fund, with the vast majority coming from our potty-mouthed leader. 

Sun: [shocked] LUNA! Really?

[genuine laughter from everyone]

Moon: Yes, sir. Really. [to all] So please eat your fill and enjoy!

Jupiter: And the drinks are on you, right, Nep?

Neptune: Well, I was hoping someone else would pay, but I wouldn't say no to an adult beverage or seven.

Jupiter: [laughs] What else is new?

Sun: That’s an excellent question, Jupiter. Speaking of new things, I have one other important announcement to make. 

Mercury: Sir, does it have anything to do with the empty chair over here?

Sun: Very astute of you, Mercury, as usual. Indeed it does. I’ve asked a special guest to join us tonight. 

[Chiron walks through the door and sits down]

Sun: Everyone, this is Chiron. We’ve been hearing about him for the past few years and I've asked him to join our team. 

Moon: Please be sure to give him a warm welcome!

Sun: He’s been getting a lot more play in the astrological world even though he’s fairly new to it. I don’t want to steal his thunder, though. [gestures to Chiron] Would you like to say a few words?

Chiron: Thank you, sir. [pause] I’m grateful for your invitation to this amazing event and appreciate you welcoming me to your celebration. I’m hoping to contribute an outsider’s perspective on the team and make even more efficient and effective. 

[heads nodding in approval]

Saturn: Sir, I welcome our new teammate with all sincerity, but I’m surprised that we weren’t consulted, at least as a courtesy. 

Sun: I understand, Saturn, and I take full responsibility for this leadership decision.

Jupiter: Come on, Old Man! Expansion can be a good thing!

Saturn: That remains to be seen, and I’m skeptical by nature. 

Venus: I’m very pleased to meet you, Chiron, and look forward to getting to know you!

[Chiron nods]

Sun: You will have plenty to talk about over dinner, I’m sure. [looks up at the doorway] And I see the unending parade of meat I promised will now begin!

Mars: FUCK YEAH! Time for the MEAT SWEATS!

Pluto: Oh fuck me. [to Neptune] Which way is the bar?

Neptune: Out in the main area near the salad bar, I think. 

Pluto: Good. Let’s get to it. [aloud over the ambient noise in the room] Sir, are we on our own at the bar tonight?

Sun: Sadly, yes, Pluto. 

Pluto: [to Neptune] Fuck. We’ll have to go to plan B. 

Neptune: What is plan B?

Pluto: This is. [opens his hand and shows Saturn’s American Express card]

Neptune: [mouth agape] Dude, I don’t know how you did that, and I didn't think anyone actually uses American Express anymore. 

Pluto: Why? Do you care? Because I don't. 

Neptune: Well, sort of...it seems kind of selfish to make Saturn pay…maybe we can pay him back when we get our yearly bonuses or something?

Pluto: [hesitates] Uhhhh, sure, Nep. I’ll definitely talk to him about it when he gets his bill.

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: The Winter Solstice Party

Sun: Good afternoon, everyone! I hope everyone is enjoying the season so far?

Venus: Yes, sir! Definitely.

Sun: Glad to hear it! Gentlemen? What about you?

Saturn: Joy to the world is not really my cup of tea, sir. But once the solstice comes and my power is renewed I’m sure I’ll be more...

Jupiter: Don’t say ‘Jovial’, Old Man. We all know that isn’t you!

Saturn: I think you’re safe, Jupiter. That’s not a word that passes my lips.  Let’s go with ‘content’. If Mercury was here, I’m sure he would do a better job finding le mot juste.

Mars: Come on, you ancient fuck! Mercury is bad enough!

Sun: Mars, come now...

Saturn: [to Mars] Young man, you can disparage...wait just one moment, Mars. [to everyone] Mercury has been teaching me some language to better communicate with my colleagues for quite some time now. 

Venus: Oh, Saturn, that’s incredibly harmonious of you!

Saturn: Well, it’s mainly to reinforce the idea that even “old dogs” can learn new tricks. So let me try this. [Clears throat] 
[To Mars] DUDE GET OFF MY JOCK!  

Mars: I GET IT, YOU OLD BASTARD! [laughing]

Saturn: It seems my lessons are paying off. Excellent. 

Venus: [mouth dropping open] I’m...pleased that you’re learning to get along better with everyone, Saturn. [To Mars] Perhaps you could do the same, Mars? Since all you do is “win win win no matter what?”

Mars: [pauses] Ummmmm, yeah, Venus...about that...

Saturn: [to Sun] Sorry to have derailed you, sir. Let’s get back to our agenda.

Sun: Thank you! So you’ve had time to think about our yearly solstice party. What ideas do you have? And keep in mind the front office will be paying for most of it; our swearing fundraiser was exceptionally successful. 

Uranus: We’ve gotta shake things up, sir. How about one of those indoor skydiving places?

Mars: Dude, I’m so down!

Sun: I’m sorry, gentlemen, but one of the few stipulations for funding the event is that it does NOT require a waiver.

Mars: Fuck me. So there goes paintball and most of the fun shit. Another party that will be BOOOOOOOOORRRRRING!

Pluto: Good try, no-nads. 

Mars: How about an all you can eat shrimp buffet? Oh wait, that would be like cannibalism for you, Pluto!

Venus: [kicks Mars] How about we consider other options that all of us might enjoy?

Moon: I’m a fan of what we have been doing, but as long as we’re all in the same place, I’ll be happy with whatever. 

Neptune: I kind of agree with Lady Moon. I want something inspiring, though.

Jupiter: I don’t know that I’ve been to an inspiring holiday party before, but I think it’s something to shoot for.

Sun: I had an idea. Maybe we could get a private room at one of those Brazilian steakhouses? The food is good and we can just relax and not worry about the cleanup or someone having to clean their homes to accommodate all of us.

Moon: I like that suggestion, sir. Do you think they can accommodate all of us? 

Sun: Well there are only 10 of us, Lady Moon. They absolutely should be able to handle 10. 

Moon: We should probably make sure we have a little more room, in case we need the extra space. 

Sun: [looks confused and then brightens] Ah yes, that’s true. You never know what we might need extra room for.

Venus: Absolutely! Dancing maybe?

Sun: You never know! Mars, they will bring you non-stop meat on skewers!

Mars: America fuck yeah! I’m IN!

Moon: Does anyone have an objection?

[shaking heads around the table]

Sun: Well, it sounds like we have a winner. [to Lady Moon] Please make the reservations. [winks]

Moon: Yes, sir. I’ll take care of it immediately. Shall I see if the solstice itself is available?

Venus: That would be lovely, sir.

Saturn: Yes, sir. I agree. We can put Saturn back in Saturnalia where it belongs! 

Sun: Saturn’s comments notwithstanding, done and done. 

Neptune: And they have a bar, so...

Pluto: That’s where I’ll be.

Plutonian Essay: Why Change is Good, You Whiny Bitches!

Dear Whiny Bitches,

I don’t get the spotlight very much, and I think you humans like it that way. You don’t seem to like what I have to say, except maybe when it involves sex, but even then, you people act as if you’re afraid of me. I mean, that old bastard Saturn gets more joy on this blog than I do, and he’s more boring than nuclear waste. Why don’t you want to hear from me?

You know what lawyers say? Those crafty Mercurial fucks would tell you that you should never ask a question you don’t know the answer to. And I just did that. I know why you don’t want to hear from me. It’s because when I show up at your doorstep you may have to…shift. I’ll say that because you sheep hear the “C” word—and that’s “change” for all of you with your minds in the gutter!—and you just freak out.

Spoiler alert: Everything is temporary. Should I say it again? Everything is temporary, starting with your little life force and your miniscule amount of “influence” you think you have over the things around you.

Helen Keller might have been blind, but I respected that bitch because she called it like she saw it. My favorite quote of hers is “Security is an illusion.” And it totally is. Nothing is secure. And nothing lasts forever.

Now before you all go crying in your pumpkin spice whatevers and your White Claws about me, I’m not here to gloom and doom you. I’m being a realist.

If you embraced change and didn’t get so caught up in the moment you would realize that I’m taking things out of your life for a REASON. I didn’t say it wouldn’t hurt, and I didn’t say it wouldn’t require a sincere attitude adjustment, either. Those things could happen, and in your life, here’s a trigger warning: They. Will. Happen. Perhaps frequently. Definitely more often than you want.

Relationships evolve, sometimes out of existence. People get fired or leave jobs. And yes, those we love will die. But if life didn’t suck sometimes then you wouldn’t really get to enjoy the truly amazing parts.

I really am trying to help you out. I get carried away sometimes and use a little more nuclear than you’d care for, but I only nuke what you truly don’t need. And it’s up to me to tell you what you no longer need. Could I be nicer about it? Maybe. But it wouldn’t have the same impact, and while other astrological fucking planets with little dicks and even smaller brains would hurl insults about MY size, they don’t have the influence—the raw power—that I do.

So do us both a favor. Next time your favorite server gets a new job, or your favorite bar closes, or you have to put up with abuse from someone else, make sure my efforts weren’t in vain. Hang in there and deal with the change, and then make the best of it. Yes, you’ll have to do without your eye candy at the office when he makes a beeline for the company with free yoga classes, but in the whole scheme of things, it’s not a big deal.

Human beings are amazing and can pretty much get accustomed to anything. So get accustomed to change and then maybe you’ll be a little more friendly and welcoming when I show up. I know I’d appreciate being valued a lot more than I am right now.

Pluto

Navigating the Retrogrades and Eclipses with Mars, Saturn, and Pluto

Saturn: Greetings and a sincere Happy Independence Day to all Americans. As you can see it's been a while since I've been allowed my rightful place as the undisputed most popular planet on this blog.

Mars: Come on, Old man! What the fuck are we doing today? Aren't we supposed to be off? Happy 4th to us as we schlep off to the salt mines! This is some bullshit!

Saturn: We are here by divine obligation, my boy, so let's try to make the most of it, shall we? I'm taking a break from my retrograde to be here today. 

Pluto: This is bullshit. I'm retrograde too but no one seems to give a shit!

Mars: That's because you're not around at all, man. I mean, if you'd stay in the office for a while you'd actually get some shit done.

Pluto: I can get more done in an hour than you can in a week, Testosterone Boy.

Mars: No way, asshole! NO WAY!

Saturn: (scoffs) Well, gentlemen--although I should use that term loosely as it pertains to you both--we're here today to discuss the current astrological situation; namely, the retrograde picture and eclipses. 

Mars: Dude, people think it's like total bedlam these days! Soft is what they are! ROLL WITH IT! No need for the drama, amirite?

Pluto: Humans don't like change. When will you figure this out, jock strap?

Mars: Fuck and you, shrimpie! I'll take you any fucking day!

Saturn: [sighs] Will you two please pipe down? Mars, I will tell Venus if you misbehave and you won't be able to enjoy your usual carnal entertainments. 

Mars: What carnival, Saturn? What are you talking about?

Pluto: Forget it, dumbass. He means you won't get any if you keeping shooting off your asshole mouth. 

Mars: Why didn't you just say that? Well let's get this shit over with. Five planets will be retrograde next week,  but honestly, the only one you gotta worry about is Mercury. We can barely keep track of his ass when he's direct, but he'll go retrograde on July 7 at 4 Leo. 

Pluto: Who fucking cares, though? These Mercury changes are temporary so I don't see why people get all upset. I mean, really. Just fucking pay attention, people. That's it.

Mars: For once I agree with you, shrimpie! Here's how to deal with Merc retro. 1) Don't say stupid shit! 2) Don't do stupid shit! 3) Don't sign a damn thing! 4) Don't say shit you don't mean. There you go! Easy. Oh yeah...and do all this until August 20. 

Saturn: As usual, Mars, your ability to think critically is a model for intellectuals everywhere. 

Mars: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't fucking GET you half the time?

Saturn: Let me try again. [thinks hard and assumes vapid expression] Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude TRUE STORY AMIRITE!?!?

Mars: WHOA! Hey, maybe you can teach a very old dog new tricks!

[Saturn glowers at Mars]

Pluto: Shouldn't the boss and Luna be here to talk about the eclipses?

Saturn: It was our turn this time, Pluto. We were ordered to come, and you know how I feel about orders. 

Pluto: Eclipses can be a total bitch. Just hang on for the ride. I'm a big fan because they can close doors permanently and open others for the first time. You don't have to fucking like it, but that's how it is. And if you think this is fun, just watch how things form up as 2022 approaches!

Saturn: I think we can end our remarks there, Pluto!

Pluto: The people need to know, you ancient fuck! The United States was founded almost 250 years ago, and it has its first of my returns in 2022, Old Man. The revolution you see happening is another form of the cycles that led up to their first revolution. That's pretty important!

Saturn: Pluto, that was my nice way of saying "Shut up because we're done here!" 

Pluto: Old Man, did you say something? Because I wasn't listening!

Mars: We've been here too long already, little dude! Just shut up! I'm gonna bounce!

Pluto: Fine. Fuck you both. Happy birthday, America. Hope you appreciate me more than these fucks.