The View from Saturn: Restating the Rules

A very pleasant good evening to one and all. 

Those of you who know me well know that I rarely show my emotions on the surface. I prefer it that way, and my feelings--few as they may be--are a private matter for no one else. 

But I come before you, dear friends, with a sense of the most profound disappointment. 

I spend precious little time on frivolities, such as entertainment, television, and the Internet and the social media circus that it has become. I barely know how to use any sort of technology, preferring the beautiful scraping of the sharpened #2 pencil on paper to any of that nonsense. And even though Mercury will be turning retrograde shortly and generally is an unreliable planet, I do thank him for the postal service through which I can send John my many epistles.

[As a side note, for those of you hoping for more news about Mercury and his usual thrice-yearly retrograde nonsense, I'm sure John will be writing about it any moment now to stoke your anxieties and give you something to blame besides your own insignificant efforts.]

To be frank, "mail" was just fine before it was "electronic", although many of you have forgotten the fine art of putting pen to paper in the literal sense. Many of you might say "IRL" in this context, but since I have plenty of sharpened writing instruments and have placed my work "smartphone" in a small locker where it has no power and no way to receive or transmit a signal, I lack a need for such...modern writing conventions. And I have never understood why the concept of writing letters is now associated with assorted shelled gastropods, and its modern electronic cousin with ground, shaped pork and ham in a can of all things, but I digress. 

Even in my deliberately sheltered world of bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, I can no longer remain silent about the news that has repeatedly reached my ears since Jupiter, the horniest bastard of them all, has moved into sexual Scorpio: That some humans possessed of a Y chromosome feel the need to routinely violate the boundaries other human beings, mainly those with two X chromosomes.

Frankly, I am deeply offended that I even have to repeat these rules of behavior, but since it has become necessary to reiterate them, I will try to express them as simply as I can: 

1) The only person that you have the right to touch is yourself. Anyone else requires consent, and ideally, an invitation or other indication that said individual welcomes that contact.

2) Your desire to have contact with another person does not under any circumstances negate the other person's right to refuse that contact. Your intentions for initiating said contact are completely irrelevant.

3) No matter what your position in any hierarchy, no matter the size of the organization, your power, authority, position, influence, or other marks of status do not entitle you to touch any person without their consent.

SPECIAL NOTE: "Any person" also includes any unborn fetus gestating inside a female's body. In that case, the female carrying the fetus may choose to give you consent to touch her stomach. You are not, however, entitled to do so; a child in utero is NOT considered community property. Would you want your offspring contaminated with the germs of the unwashed hands of strangers? I should say not!

4) A person's attire, age, race, culture, gender, sexuality, sexual preference, religion, marital status, or hierarchical position in relationship to you does not entitle you to touch them. None of the aforementioned factors are considered an invitation for any contact whatsoever unless the individual's consent is given.

5) If one party in a two-person situation cannot for some reason consent, then it is the obligation of the second person to cease and desist the activity immediately if it is in progress, or to delay initiation of said activity, until the other party does give consent.

True leadership comes with many obligations. One of the main duties of any leader is to put aside his or her personal desires in favor of those in his or her charge and the organization as a whole. Any leader who takes advantage of his or her position to pursue their own agenda with someone for whom s/he is responsible is absolutely unworthy of the title and should face immediate consequences, not the least of which should be the loss of a leadership position and a tarnishing of their reputation. This, of course, does not preclude the possibility of civil or criminal prosecution, and continual repetition of the offender's crimes on the Internet through text, video, and news reporting. It is a small price to pay for the humiliation, shame, and degradation that your activity has visited upon another human being!

You should know that in under three weeks now, I will be entering Capricorn, one of my most favored signs. Let me also remind you that I am the planet of karma. I shouldn't need to warn you of the consequences of violating the aforementioned boundaries, but it seemed like a clear reminder of what is at stake is necessary for some of you. I am also a big fan of repeating important messages until retention occurs.

John has allowed me to detail my activities for the next year, but those will come at a later date. I've requested for my thoughts to appear on the solstice, but John will make the final decision. 

For now, heed my warning carefully and respect the boundaries of all people.   

If you think things are serious now, just wait a few weeks. I'm coming back to Capricorn after a long hiatus and will set things right. There are a million things I haven't done. Just you wait; just you wait!

Respectfully, 

Saturn

Dear Mercury, You Consummate Motherfucker...

Your latest retrograde period is in full swing, and already we are starting to see the effects down here. And as you can likely tell by the title of this blog, I'm less than impressed with your ability to function effectively right now.

I just leased a new car. Unfortunately, it has a scratch on it that the dealership says they will fix. So my salesperson--we'll call him "S"--asks me to contact him so I can set it up. I do that, and we arrange for me to come in before Xmas for the repair. 

When I show up at around 7:45, I notice I'm behind a long line of cars waiting for service and there doesn't appear to be anyone working. So I park my car and head into the service bay, where a very harried service coordinator--let's call him "T"--explains that he's the only one around right now and asks if we can wait in the lounge. So the three of us waiting there for him traipse into the next room and grab chairs. 

About 20 minutes passes and another employee--I thought another service coordinator, and we'll call him "A"--came in to ask us if anyone was just doing oil changes, and no one replied. Then a few minutes later he asked us if we needed the shuttle service. Once again, no reply. 

Five minutes later he returns and asks if I'm next. Seeing that I am, I go back into the service bay with him. He asks me where my car is and then takes the key to go get it.

He returns and asks me if I'm waiting for the car, and I tell him that I'm getting a loaner. His reply: "Who told you that?"
"My salesperson, S." 
"A loaner for an oil change?"
"I'm not here for an oil change. I'm here for scratch repair." 
"Oh, ok. Well, then you'll have to see T," and points over to his office. I guess A just assumed that's why I was there, even though when he asked us earlier I did NOT raise my hand. 

So now I'm waiting for T in the service bay and a mechanic comes out to take my car back. He has an exchange with A that I didn't quite hear and then drives off with my car. 

T finishes with his client, comes out of his office and asks if I've been helped. I explain that I'm not here for an oil change and that A told me to see him. He looks frustrated/pissed off/exasperated and turns to A. 

"A, where is his car?" 
"They brought it back. I didn't know it wasn't an oil change." [Actually, you DID know when they came to get it, asshole!]
"Did you see the scratch?"
"No, I didn't."
T seems really irritated now. "Where are the keys?"
A gestures. "Cashier's office."
T apologizes to me and strides off to get my keys. Shortly he comes back through the service area; he's clearly on a mission. 

Once T leaves the area, a second service coordinator comes up to A at his desk generally being useless. "A, you are NOT going to pull this shit all day!" A starts protesting and complaining. At one point he refers to me; I guess he thought he was out of earshot. "This guy says he's getting a loaner and I don't even know how to do that." More bitching ensues and lasts another minute or so. 

T drives my car into the bay and gets out. I show him the scratch in question. Since the paint is involved in the scratch, he says he's going to need the paint guys for this. "I'm aware of that," I reply since S already told me that when I got the car.

We go into the office, and he pulls me up on the computer. I tell him that a loaner was scheduled for me and that the painters would be here today. 
"Who told you that?" 
"My salesperson, S." [I'm thinking...is this Groundhog Day or some shit? Didn't I just have this exchange?!?]
"Well, there's no appointment for you in the computer." 

In other words, my salesperson, S,  told no one that I'd be coming that day. S didn't tell anyone anything. I apologize. T tells me it's their fault and asks if I need this done today. I tell him it's not vital to have it done immediately, and he suggests that he set up an appointment for me right before the new year so he can make sure the paint guys will be there and the job can get done. Or he can try to get the painters in today and get it done. 

At this point, Merc, you have fucked me over so hard that I'm not risking giving my car to them today only for him to tell me at 5 that he can't get it done. So I tell him to reschedule me, get my keys, and go to work. By 9:00 am, I get to work, and I just had to laugh my ass off. I could have been livid, but despite the fuckery of A, T clearly tried his best to resolve the situation. You fucked T over too, by the way, a nice guy just trying to do his job. 

So all in all, you cost me a few hours of time, and I had to stay late at work. And no, it's still not done. At this point, I'm probably going to wait until it's all over and you're moving forward again. As long as they're paying for the repair, it can wait. 

But still...fuck you very much for wasting my time and sowing confusion!

Regards,

John

Update: The date they wanted me to come in came and went with no communication from them. I guess waiting was the right call after all!

Mercury Retrograde Sex, Anyone? (NSFW)

OK so I came across this blog and while normally I don't just post links to the blogs of others, this one seemed appropriate for Mercury retrograde...

Mercury Retrograde Sex

There aren't any naked pix where you can see anything, but likely you should look at the link in the comfort of your own home. Just sayin'. 

Maybe there will be some suggestions in here for you to enjoy the steamier side of Merc retro. At the very least, you'll get a good laugh out of it.

Not only is this a great article, but I'm constantly looking for ways to irritate Saturn and this is SURE to do it. 

Only a few more days of Merc retro left good people! HANG IN THERE!

Mercury Retrograde Fuckery: No Matter How You Try...Redux

And the fuckery continues, ladies and gentlemen. The latest victim: my iPod classic.

As you probably recall from my last entry, my iPod experienced some Mercury fuckery as it took an extra few days to get to PA to get repaired. All it needed was a new board so it could sync and get charged again. 

Then I got the email that I didn't expect: "The repair for this device will exceed the cost of a new device." Wait, what?

So it appeared that all was lost, that I was going to be without an iPod until I bought a new one. They don't even make the classic anymore. And while I love Apple devices, money aside, I don't want an iPod touch...all the stuff on it is already on my iPhone or iPod. So I was at a loss. 

My beloved came to the rescue, graciously giving up her iPod classic to replace my own. So all is not lost and this story does have a happy ending. 

Still, thanks, Mercury! Dick. 

Mercury Retrograde Fuckery: No Matter How Hard You Try...

--"War. War never changes."--Fallout 4

Merc retrograde started yesterday, boys and girls, and there's a very important point I want to make: Even when you try, sometimes you just can't avoid the fuckery. It is as true for Merc retrograde as it is in life.

Anything involving messaging is Mercury-ruled. While we don't send much snail mail anymore, the Postal service and other delivery services are Mercury-ruled as well.

Your intrepid astrologer-blogger-psychic here had a problem. When I went on my glorious cruise in September, they had an amazing gym that I managed to use a few times. It's the kind of experience to make you feel good about all the time you spend at the amazing all you can eat buffets. But I digress. #sorrynotsorry

So I go into the gym with my trusty iPod--my 80GB black iPod classic. And in my mind it is a classic. I've had an iPod for 11 years and I remember how excited I was to get my first one. 

Anyway, this gym is state of the art; the machines are amazing and each one is equipped with several iPod docks. So I'm thinking "It will play and get a charge, too, which is awesome!" I shove it in there and it doesn't seem to work.

Even though I tried a number of times on a number of different elliptical trainers, I can't the iPod to work. For those of you playing at home, one of the mottos for Scorpio is "I penetrate", and I really did try.

Please note: If you're wondering if I'm deliberately trying for sexual innuendo, the answer is, "Not really, but it seems to work, so I'm going with it." I suggest you do the same. Or stop reading. Your call. #kthanksbai

There is a point to all this, and it's not (all) deliberate titillation. All this attempted penetration damaged the sensitive equipment under the hood of my iPod. When I brought the iPod home, it had a harder time getting a charge and I had to fiddle with it some. Eventually, it wouldn't sync or charge. This was in mid-December.

So off to the Apple Store I go with my sleek black iPod classic. The Genius listens to me, then turns it over and shines his handy-dandy light into the charging port. My attempts at physical satisfaction in the gym on the cruise ship had damaged a number of the pins, thereby causing my device's dysfunction. 

Of course, since it is a "legacy" iPod--his words, not mine, although he mollified me somewhat by saying he himself preferred the iPod classics--I could call Apple Care to see if they could fix it or go to a third-party company, since the device was WAY out of warranty.

I did my research and found a company in PA that fixes these devices, and got a special to boot. I filled out the paperwork, printed it to include in my package, headed to the post office self-service kiosk--going to the window is so passé--and off it went. This was on December 30.

Why is the date significant? Because I deliberately sent it before Mercury went retrograde to avoid any fuckery. And if I had avoided it and had my iPod back in my hands, I wouldn't have written this blog at all, right? If you answered YES to this question, you would be correct.

I sent the device via Priority Mail--supposedly the vast majority of the packages arrive at the destination in two days. When I checked my receipt it said it would arrive at the company on January 2. I thought that was pretty good. Not counting the holiday that would be two days.

Mercury, unfortunately, had other ideas. It still hasn't arrived at the company, and it's January 5. When I checked in online a few days ago, it said that the "Package delivery would be delayed"--thank you, Captain Obvious.

Following the scanner trail of the package shows Mercury's hand as well. It appears that once it was received at my local post office, it was sent to another post office near me, and then sent to PA to a post office near the destination. No problems there. 

Then for some unknown reason, the package was to Capitol Heights, MD, and then returned to the PA post office a day or so later. Not sure what happened, but I have my suspicions. I think someone read my return address as the destination address and had it sent back to me, and Capitol Heights would have been the way to do that. Capitol Heights probably noticed that the destination ZIP wasn't VA, but PA, and sent it back there.

As of this writing, the package is at the second PA post office, finally the one in the town where the company is. So I have some hope that my device will soon be in the hands of someone who can fix it. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but being pessimistic won't help, either. #aboutfuckingtime

Mercury wanted to make sure I got the message, so I received not one, not two, but THREE different email messages when it departed the first PA post office. On the picture, you will only see the one at 10:20pm, but I received one at around 5:00pm and the other one after 9:00pm. The timestamps of those scans were overwritten by the one at 10:20, but trust me when I say that seeing the same message several times didn't make me particularly happy, since with each successive one I was like "WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. Did it LEAVE or didn't it??"

In the immortal word(s) of Homer Simpson, "D'OH!"

I'll keep you apprised but it appears Merc retro has already begun in earnest.

NOTE: According to the USPS, my iPod arrived in the early afternoon of January 6 at its destination. I paid for priority mail for the return trip...hopefully I'll have it back by January 15. Should I pull out tarot cards to find out?

Letters from Venus: Summer Retrograde Vacation

From Wikipedia

Hello everyone...it's Venus here! So thrilled to be with you today. And yes, you can call me Aphrodite if you prefer.

John is likely re-trying his hand with Fallout: New Vegas so he can complete it before the new one comes out this fall. I love to see people doing things they enjoy, even if it is in a dystopian, post-nuclear region populated with mutated insects. He enjoys it, so what is there for me to say? Except perhaps "EW!"

As John appears to be relishing killing giant mutated ants and scorpions, as well as any evil human unlucky enough to cross his path, it seems like a good time for us to have a little chat about my upcoming "vacation" that begins on July 25. You folks would likely call it a "retrograde", though. It starts next weekend, on July 25, and you may experience some difficulty. (Note: Mars usually uses a word with "F" to describe the negative experiences that go with some retrogrades, but I really try not to use that kind of language because it puts people off.)

I know I don't go on vacation very often, and it can be very unsettling when I do; I'm a big part of your world because I deal with love matters and money matters. Both of these things involve "attraction", of course.

A lot of people don't seem to understand how I'm involved with money. Well, when you apply for a job, they have to like you...sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. And you must like them, too, to have a mutually beneficial relationship. If you have your own business, you need to attract customers, make them "fall in love" with you, if you will, at least long enough for them to spend some money on you. But ideally you want them to stay in love with you over the long haul, and by doing so convince others to love your business too so you stay in the black.

Before you ask, people with problems with Venus in their natal chart can have difficulty in both love AND money, which if you ask me can be incredibly frustrating. But your natal chart is, as John would say, the hand you're dealt; how you play that hand day to day is up to you.

For the record, I'm in Scorpio in John's chart, in detriment, so I have a very hard time working with him some days. But he has a smart, beautiful spouse and a pretty good business, so obviously he's playing his hand well. (Speaking of hands, Mars told me once that sex is like bridge: You've got to have a great partner or a great hand. Wow, that's awful! See...my inner Mars is coming out already and we've still got a few days left. Fudge! I digress.) 

And with me in Scorpio things are always emotionally intense for our favorite blogger. Thankfully John got married young...dating was an emotional nightmare for him! There was this one time...wait...please forget I said that last sentence! He'd likely be embarrassed.

But speaking of my influence, did I mention he's celebrating 20 years of marriage next month? I am SO EXCITED! 

Oh, fiddlesticks...John said no tangents and I've already had a few. So it's back to work...

Small yet colorful tangents aside, John's asked me to present the list of potential problem areas to watch out for while I'm on vacation, and they include:

Love and social affairs--Overall, relationships tend to slow down. This is not a good time to:

• Get married 
• Go on first dates 
• Join or re-join online dating sites 
• Have big parties 
• Change your hairstyle 
• Wear flamboyant clothing 
• Buy a new wardrobe 
• Re-decorate your home or business 

Business--You may experience:

• Legal issues 
• Problems with diplomacy or negotiations 

Also, this is NOT a good time to begin new business partnerships. So if you can avoid doing this until I'm back, all the better.

One very important note: Relationships that are already having difficulty may feel additional pressure. My retrograde often forces us to face feelings that we have ignored in the past, and re-evaluate those friendships and romantic partnerships as these emotions re-surface. So I'm sorry to report that if you're relationship is already on the rocks, this may, well...help smash it to pieces, as Mars would say.

Mars does have his good points, but I prefer a more gentle approach. I'd probably go more with, "You may discover that the relationships that you have are truly not serving you, giving you the opportunity to pursue more fruitful ones." That sounds so much more positive. This is a time to acknowledge these feelings, but it's not a time to act on them. Wait until I come back from vacation to decide whether or not these feelings were temporary or indicative of a more serious problem.

Warning: I tend to me more Mars-like during my retrograde periods, so you can expect less kindness and understanding overall while I'm gone. I'll apologize for it because it's sort of my fault. Sorry.

Since I'll barely reach Virgo and then immediately retrograde into Leo, I'll spend nearly the entire time in the sign of the lion. Consequently, watch out for these types of incidents:

• Hissy fits 
• "Flounces"--dramatic departures from places for emotionally-based reasons that may involve either friends or romantic partners; "I'm going to take my ball and go home" is a standard flounce, for example 
• Pride problems--easily bruised egos are unfortunately a Leo staple 
• Oversensitivity--sometimes people take things personally when it's not personal 

I'll go over halfway back through Leo and I will go direct again at 14 Leo on Sunday, September 6th. But it's been about 18 months and I just need the break. I'm sure you understand. I'll be back before you know it!

I'll apologize now for any inconvenience my retrograde may cause, and sincerely wish you the very best in all that you do. Hopefully John will let me do this again soon!

Love,

Venus

Suppressive Saturnian Struggles

Temple of Saturn in Rome

(from Britannica Kids)

Dear Saturn,

You and I have had our differences in the past. But I wanted to clear the air, since you and I both know what's coming.

Your cycle is well-known, Old Man. You come back to our natal point every 28-29 years, and so every seven years or so, we experience a clash to its natal position in our chart--a square or an opposition, and if we're lucky, two or three conjunctions in the span of a lifetime.

In this case, you've gone nearly halfway through your cycle for me. When I was born, you were sitting at 5 Gemini. You're now going retrograde through Scorpio, but that will change soon and you will be moving into the sign that opposes Gemini, Sagittarius. 

I've already taken a look, sir, and it appears that you will be exactly opposing my natal Saturn position on November 11. I'm already feeling some of the effects, since you already crossed this point earlier this year and then retrograded back over it.

As you head toward an exact opposition to my natal Saturn, there are some potentially nasty effects that can come with it for me: 

• Depression; 
• Pushing against boundaries; 
• Re-evaluating responsibilities; 
• Feeling worthless or overwhelmed; and 
• Heavy obligations of all kinds. 

I know it's not personal...this sort of thing could happen to anyone experiencing a "Saturn transit". 

With all that said, I'm here to remind you that even though you'll say you're just doing your job, it is fucking personal to me. And don't even try to fucking tell me that I'm not using dignified language.

Anyway, I wanted you to be very much aware that while I might not have understood what was going on seven years ago when you were squaring my natal Saturn, I "get it" now. I'm onto you, Old Man. And while it may have taken me more than 40 years to figure it out, you can bet that I'm going to put that knowledge to good use. 

The point is simple: I've got way too much fun stuff going on this summer and fall to allow you to ruin it. Check this out: My sister is dropping in for a visit in a few days. My niece's birthday is later this week, and my oldest niece leaves for graduate school in a few weeks. My 20th wedding anniversary is coming up in early August. I start astrology college in September at the Midwest School of Astrology, and I've got a fantastic cruise vacation then, too. I know a number of special people getting married this fall, and I've got the State of the Art (SOTA) astrology conference in October, during my birthday. In November, the next game in a series that I LOVE is coming out. I've got Roller Coaster Tycoon Platinum just waiting for me on my computer right now. And in addition to all this, Jen's got some books coming out. While you may abhor fiction, they're important to her and to me, and a legitimate cause for celebration.

St. Augustine once said of astrology, "The stars may impel, but they cannot compel." There's no doubt that you will have an influence on me, as you always have and always will. But in the end, how I react to your bullshit is my choice.

I do have tremendous respect for you, Old Man, so I'm taking the time to make absolutely sure there's no misunderstanding between us. So please read the next paragraph very carefully. Take your time and peruse it until understanding occurs.

For the record, I categorically, absolutely and totally REFUSE to acquiesce to your "episodes". I will not allow you to dictate, manipulate or otherwise attempt to control my behavior. You can push, but I can push back harder...have you MET ME? You helped create me, so you ought to know. But go ahead and test me. I will pass with flying colors and flip you off while I do it, laughing all the way.

I don't think you get who you're fucking dealing with, Old Man. But you're about to find out.

I wish you an amazing summer and fall, because that's what I intend to have, in spite of your attempts to derail them.

I look forward to your inevitable reply.

Very truly yours,

John

Open Letter to Mercury: Enough With the Retrograde Fuckery!

Dear Mercury,


I'd like to take a moment to address your current retrograde. While I don't normally use my natal planetary placements as an excuse for my behavior, you'll excuse me in this case if, by virtue of your location in Scorpio in my chart, I use terms that might seem vulgar, crude, or downright inappropriate. You could also blame transiting Mars in Gemini, if you prefer, but I digress. 

I know Saturn may not appreciate my methods of doing business, but at least he will appreciate my candor in pointing out your shortcomings. 

I've had it with this retrograde, you consummate motherfucker. I can't begin to express my loathing for it, as it's been the worst one for the people in my world for some time. I'll give you credit for one thing: You do know how to fuck shit up, that's for certain. 

In short, this retrograde has been, to quote my friend Erica, "totally fucktrocious."

Normally, when it comes to you I can be pretty calm about your retrograde periods. I can tell people "It won't last forever" and advise them to take precautions and the like. This time I want to tell people not to communicate at all unless it's vital. Forget big conversations; even routine conversations are misunderstood right now. I'm losing time checking every email and document I work with 75 times for mistakes because just one could cause a part of my world to come crashing down. How do you expect people to apply for a new job or heaven forbid interview while you're like this?

What the technology fuck is wrong with you? You're fucking with my cable and Wifi now, too, you miserable little shit. I was watching the Women's World Cup last night and don't think I didn't see those moments when the picture started pixellating. A few times we lost our signal. Lucky for you we got it back; how dare you fuck up while the US Women's Soccer Team goes for it all! I try to calm down and watch videos like a Siamese cat singing the "Game of Thrones" theme, or a similar version with goats, just for laughs...when they decide to load, that is. And I've got phone calls dropping in my house again, too, and that shit is annoying!

For the record, if you think my friend Megan calling you a filthy whore was embarrassing, just use your mind and think about the entire LIST of names I may have called you in the silence of what some may refer to as a brain these past few weeks. My vocabulary is pretty extensive, and I'm pulling new swearwords in German from video games to supplement because I'm running out. I think "slavering goatfucker" or "quivering bag of entrails" were two of my personal favorites.

On behalf of myself and my readers, I need you to GET A FUCKING GRIP immediately because this shit has got to stop. If it doesn't, I will verbally assault you so severely that "filthy whore" will seem like the nicest compliment you'll ever receive.

Get your ass to 4 Gemini and end this fuckery right fucking now, you pissant.

Fuck you very much,

John

Mercury Retrograde: Meeting of the (Classical) Minds?

Sun: Allright, everyone settle down, please. Let's call this meeting to order. Madame Moon, if you would call the roll?

Moon: Yes, sir. Mercury?

Mercury: Yeah, definitely, I mean, yeah. I'm here. Did you think I wouldn't be? Who said something?

Moon: Venus?

Venus: Yes, Lady Moon.

Moon: Mars?

Mars: Fuck yeah!

Moon: Jupiter?

Jupiter: I'm physically present, but why are any of us really here?

Sun: No waxing philosophical, Jupiter, please. Thank you!

Moon: Saturn?

Saturn: Lady, I do not shrink from this responsibility; I welcome it! 

Moon: [slight eyeroll] All present and accounted for, sir. 

Sun: Thank you, Madame Moon.  Please record in the minutes that this is a special session of classical planets only to address our current crisis.  

Moon: I had a feeling you would tell me to do that, sir, so I went ahead and put it on tonight's printout. 

Sun: Always a step ahead, Madame. I love that about you! [Moon blushes]. I've convened tonight's special session to discuss what's happening with a certain...shall we say, recurring situation, and Saturn, before you accuse the outer planets of shirking their responsibilities, I excused them from this meeting. 

Saturn: Sir, they do have a tendency to go off on their own. Section 15, Paragraphs 2-6 of the Astrological Code of Conduct state that "All members will be present for mandatory meetings unless the member or members have requested their absence in writing no less than three (3) days after the time when the meeting is announced..."

Sun: Thank you, Saturn, but I don't think any of us need citations from the ACC right now. The point is that the crisis affects us more, so I've called in only those of us present now. [PAUSE] At this particular time, Mercury's retrograde is having an exceptionally negative impact on what's happening on earth. I'd like to hear from each of you in turn to share information you may have heard. Saturn, assuming you can limit yourself [chuckle] to about sixty seconds, I'd like you to go first. 

Saturn: Yes, sir. There are widespread reports of the standard Mercury retrograde...ummm...

Mars: Dude, the term you want is "fuckery"!

Sun: That'll do, Mars. You were saying, Saturn...?

Saturn: Yes, lots of nonsense and tumult--flotsam and jetsam, if you will--this time around with Merc's retrograde. A lot of your standard effects but some are pretty severe and widespread. It's not a pretty picture at all. I'm trying to keep it reined in but to be honest, I'm not having much success at this time. 

Sun: Jupiter, you're next. 

Jupiter: Sir, we're trying to spread the message far and wide about the dangers of Mercury's retrograde period. Uranus and I discussed it and he told me tons of information is going up on social media to sensitize the people to the dangers. While the publishing world always goes into a tailspin at this time, the ideas are still getting out there. 

Sun: Thanks, Jove. Mars?

Mars: Dude, what in the blue fuck is happening? This shit is for realzies. We have people shooting off their mouths, starting fights with other people, storming off and causing more havoc. I just moved into Gemini last week and some real shit went down when that happened. Since Mercury has control of me in Gemini, I feel like it's been one argument after another...and people are jumping to conclusions and then acting on that shit. I mean, really, who the fuck does that? There have been some really killer flounces, though!

Sun: Enlighten me, Mars. What's a "flounce"?

Mars: When someone gets upset and stalks off, either in person or on an Internet site, and has a pissy rant before s/he takes off. Totally awesome! Regretsy had a whole bunch of good flounces from overly emotional fucktards. [Looks at Venus]. Whoops! Sorry babe. That's all I have. 

Sun: Learn something new every day. The "flounce", huh? Eloquent as usual, Mars. Venus?

Venus: Lots of hurt feelings and disappointment these days. I think people's expectations in a lot of areas are just not being met right now. Vacations are getting booked, cancelled, then re-booked, and then shortened...you give someone something to look forward to and then you take it away because of some manufactured emotional crisis? It's really heavy. I just feel bad for all of them. But people's feelings are definitely confused at the moment. I'm not looking forward to going retrograde myself in a few months. 

Sun: Thanks, mighty Aphrodite. OK, Mercury, give it to us as straight as you can. Whiskey tango foxtrot is going on down there with you?

Mercury: Well, sir, as you may know, hahaha, I'm retrograding backward through Gemini, and uh, well, that's one of my favorite signs...but things are kinda unstable. Back and forth, back and forth, I can't seem to keep the energy flowing in one direction. It's annoying, I tell you. I can't stand all the...you know...what is that word again?

Mars: "Fuckery"?

Mercury: Thanks, dude. Fuckery is the perfect word. And it doesn't help that I'm getting so much negative input from everyone here. And people on earth know what's up...no one knows what happens when any of the rest of you go retrograde but everyone blames me when I do. 

Moon: That's terrible! They do the same thing to me during that time of the month, even when it's not my fault!

Mercury: Thanks, Lady...I try not to listen to the noise because everyone inflates all of their Mercury retrograde stories and problems, as if nothing ever fucks up unless I'm in retrograde. If I listen to it then I overthink it and then we really start to go downhill. I've got astrologers all over the world writing about me. This one blogger said one of his friends called me a "filthy whore"! That one single person is upset because the mighty Mercury has seen fit to take out all of all of her office equipment except for the one old piece of shit printer that she wants me to fry and I haven't done it...

Sun: Uh, Mercury, I think we're getting off track...

Mercury: But I have news for that bitch, let me tell you! Tell you what...I'm not killing that fucking printer until I'm GOD DAMNED GOOD AND READY TO DO IT! MARK MY WORDS THAT I WILL EXACT MY VENGEANCE! BITCH I KNOW IT ALL...YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS, AND YOUR CELL PHONE, SO I HOPE YOU LIKE WRONG NUMBERS BEEEYOTCH! THINK I'M A FILTHY WHORE NOW?? JUST WAIT!!

Sun: MERCURY! YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!

Mercury: Sorry, sir...I'm in Gemini so I pendulum swing. You know the old joke about the two Geminis? 

Sun: Yes, we all know that joke, Mercury. Probably not the best time to tell it, though. I think we've heard enough from you for the time being. [PAUSE] Mercury's retrograde lasts until the 11th of June and his storm is probably out through the 16th or 17th. So we have tell folks to hunker down until then, people. Action items? Venus?

Venus: I'm going to see if I can get people to postpone overly emotional discussions until Merc is back to normal. Sorry, Mercury. 

Mars: I'm gonna tell people to say the shit they normally wouldn't and get the aggression out of their systems! America fuck yeah! COWABUNGA DUDES!

Sun: Mars, I was looking for something more helpful...

Mars: Dude, that's all I've got. 

Sun: [SIGH] Jupiter? 

Jupiter: I'm just going to keep trying to get the word out about the positives of the retrograde and how not to get their proverbial asses kicked. 

Sun: Sounds good. Old man Saturn, what say you?

Saturn: Sir, I'm going to encourage those in authority to beware of outbursts and try to have them tell their people to cool their mental and communicative apparatus at the moment. I'm also going to try to limit contact between people who may have expressed negative feelings toward each other in the past, at least until Mercury is in direct motion again. 

Sun: Sounds like a good plan, Saturn. Any alibis? Mercury? Anything you would like to say before we adjourn?

Mercury: I totally get a bad rap, but then again, I'm the only one who can say I killed an AC unit in a  doctor's office when it was 90 degrees outside...so maybe I deserve it a little...but I should probably shut up now. 

Sun: Excellent idea, Merc. We're adjourned. Lady, please distribute the notes to all parties, send emails to the outer planets to bring them up to speed. 

Moon: Yes, sir. Already in motion. 

Sun: And Mercury, why don't you come with me to my office, since you love to talk?

Mercury: Well, fuck a doodle do.  

"Mercury Retrograde is a Filthy Whore!"

So yeah...the title of this blog was inspired by my friend Megan. Apparently, the only piece of electronic office equipment that is functioning is the horrible printer that she asked Mercury to destroy during a previous retrograde period. And yet it still stays strong. 

Speaking personally, I've been relatively unscathed, though I probably shouldn't be saying that. But this has been a rough time for many people, and if calling Mercury a "filthy whore" will help get you through it, scream away. 

Hang in there, folks. I was hoping this one would be an easy one...but likely not. 

Mercury Retrograde: The Fuckery Intensifies

So I don't know about any of you, but I am getting slammed so far on this one! I keep thinking "Merc Madness" in my head. 

The thing is that Mercury is retrograding through Gemini this time. It won't back into Taurus, so we have Mercury in its rulership, one of the signs it is the most comfortable in. It might have been a little easier to manage if it was in Virgo, Mercury's other sign. But it's not. And with Gemini, you never know what face you're going to see, so to me it adds to the instability.

Mercury rules local travel, right? Trains, buses, your car and the like? Well, if you've been watching the news, you know about the horrific train accident near Philadelphia. If it is indeed true that the train was going 106 MPH when it was supposed to be doing 50, that's got Merc retro all over it. Some signal got crossed. We had a number of our Metro lines here in DC closed the other day due to smoke. That was a total clusterfuck. 

There was a recent story in the Washington Post about trying to improve cell phone signals on the Metro. Communications and public transit together? Totally Mercury. And what a surprise...the new rail cars will help with the problem but won't FIX it entirely. And for flights? Well even during non-Merc retrograde periods schedules always seem to be in flux. My friend's flight is showing on time, even though the Internet is saying there is an average of 57 minutes of arrival delays here in DC. What the aviation fuck?

Mercury also rules communication in all its many forms. For what I am about to say will likely I will get some flack from Amy, my Gemini sister who writes and does counseling for a living--two Mercury-ruled careers. Imagine that! I love that crazy bitch. But I digress.

Anyway, Gemini, to not too fine a point on it, is the chatterbox of the zodiac, and to them, talk is cheap. With Mercury retrograding through the sign of the Twins, unless it is absolutely necessary, you should refrain from having any serious "conversations" right now, and you know the ones I mean. If you're referring to it as "the talk" or something that sounds equally ominous, it would fall into this category. During Taurus sun, money and resource discussions may be in play as well, which just ups the ante. 

Since "conversate" is NOT A WORD, good people--that would be "converse", for those of you playing at home--here are some tips if you must have a "conversation" that you cannot defer:

• "Begin with the end in mind", as Covey would say; know your main points, and limit yourself to three of them. ["Three shall be the number thou shall count, and the number of the counting shall be three."]
• Speak slowly and clearly, and be prepared to repeat yourself. Listen closely--acknowledge the message you receive as you get it, and clarify anything that seems muddled. 
• DO NOT have this "talk" via text message, instant message, or email. It needs to be face to face so there is less opportunity for misunderstandings. 
• Why are you still reading this bullet? Ignore this fourth point!
• FIVE IS RIGHT OUT!

During the time I was typing this, I received word that I will have to reschedule an appointment. And I heard from a specialist's office the other day that they don't need to see me, even after I filled out all the paperwork, which was submitted it before the storm started. And an old friend had to cancel a long-overdue reunion as well. Fucking Mercury! SERIOUSLY!

As a final reminder, keep your eyes peeled right now...Mercury retrograde can cause us to miss things that are right in front of our faces--icebergs, anyone?--so take your time and look at what is around you. I recommend a Mercury retrograde Post-it on your computer or near anyplace you write. You can take it off around the 17th of June or so.

Anyway, if your Merc retro has been anything like mine, please share your misery. I'm happy to use it as fodder for this blog. No, seriously. I will be happy to withhold your name when you tell me the story about how you got the wrong genital wart cream...

How's Your First Mercury Retrograde of 2015?

We're a few weeks into Mercury retrograde. How's it going for you so far?

For me, it hasn't been too bad. Of course, we've still got another two weeks or so before it ends, but while I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, I'm more cautiously optimistic about how it's going to go. 

At work today I did have to send the same email several times due to communication glitches from others. That was somewhat frustrating but resolved pretty easily. But the main difficulty I'm having is not with technology, but with people just not paying attention. This includes myself. 

I'm usually good at finding things, but at least twice in the past few weeks I've walked right past things I'm looking for. I also completely misunderstood an email that should have been totally an uncomplicated, routine piece of correspondence. 

Anyway, if you have any stories to share, I'm all ears. Hang in until the storm is over on the 18th. :)

Good Clergy, Part 7: "She Might Have Been Drunk When She Was Consecrated As a Bishop"

You ever wonder how deep the rabbit hole goes? That's what I'm wondering about the case on Heather Elizabeth Cook. 

I'm also wondering how many times I'll have to say "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" when blogging about this story for someone to say, "Yeah, John. We're just fucking with you. No religious organization worth their salt would allow a person with this kind of history to hold a high office."

I wish I was wrong. 

So NOW it comes out that after the DUI arrest in 2010, during which she did several different kinds of therapy, Ms. Cook was recommended "without hesitation" by the Episcopal Church in Easton to the post of Suffragan. 

Then there was the 2014 meeting in which council participants were "unaware" of Ms. Cook having a DUI or a drinking problem. 

According to the official timeline that came out Monday, Bishop Eugene Sutton now says that he suspected Ms. Cook might have been drunk at her installation festivities last September. This was the party to celebrate her becoming a bishop, and well...she was likely drunk at it. IMAGINE THAT. 

In many organizations, being drunk for a work function would have been an immediate termination, or at the very least a suspension, but not a promotion.

The Washington Post article says that Bishop Sutton conveyed his concerns to the presiding Bishop, Katharine Jefferts Schori, who in turn tells Sutton she's going to meet with Cook. A meeting did occur between them in October, but of course, the details are confidential. I don't have a problem with that; if I had a drinking problem I wouldn't want the world to know by googling it. Ms. Cook certainly has a right to her privacy.

But I'll be honest: I'm trying to wrap my head around this one, folks. I really am. And I'm not calling out the people involved because they're Episcopal, of course. This could and does happen to people of any faith or spiritual path. But it makes the Episcopal Church look pretty bad. 

The signs were ALL THERE, and people who could do something about the problem did NOTHING. You have TONS of evidence to work with, and despite the fact that she has a DUI and has been treated for alcoholism, and four years later is drunk at her installation festivities, Bishop Schori STILL decides it's a good idea to consecrate Heather Elizabeth Cook as a bishop.

Ms. Cook was likely very good at her job. Now I'm all for second chances and forgiveness, but she's no good to anyone as a drunk. The staggering lapses in judgment on the part of Ms. Cook may have been due to her alcoholism, but when all the "leaders" around her look out for themselves and their organization by assuming everything will be fine and not monitoring a recovering alcoholic, they're no longer fit leaders. 

I mean...did you just not SEE it? Or did you choose not to see it? 

Bishop Sutton's revelation--pun intended--pretty much destroys any credibility that the Episcopal Church of Maryland had left. None of Ms. Cook's empty promises in 2010 that her arrest was a major wake-up call or the hollow words of sorrow of Bishop Sutton can bring back Thomas Palermo.

Pray for them all, especially members of the Episcopal Church of Maryland, because they're being led by people who put the Church and their own convenience before the personal safety of others.

Clergy to North Miami Beach Police Department: All Lives Matter, So #usemeinstead

A friend posted a story up on his Facebook wall that I thought was totally disgusting, but had an amazing ending. 

Picture this: National Guard members show up to use a local firing range in North Miami Beach, FL. They notice that the people using the range before they did--a group of snipers from the North Miami Beach Police Department--didn't take down their targets, all of which are photos of African-American males. One of the Guard noticed that one of the photos is of her own brother. 

Needless to say, people got REALLY upset about this, and I'm right there with them. I certainly was outraged that a police department would do this. (This is likely the reason why many ranges won't even allow targets with heads or faces on them.)

But instead of getting angry, a group of priests decided to strike back in a very unique way: By submitting pictures on Twitter with the hashtag #usemeinstead. 

What I liked in particular was that the photos showcased in the article were of white ministers and priests. No matter who was on those targets, it's offensive, but to see one race or group singled out is totally and completely unacceptable. We expect more from those who enforce our laws. 

It's fantastic to see members of clergy stepping up and using social media to present a strong, positive message loudly and clearly: Black or white, clergy or layperson, all lives matter. 

Good Clergy, Part 6: Episcopal Diocese Asks for Resignation of Heather Elizabeth Cook

Well, that took longer than expected. The Episcopal Church figured out that Heather Elizabeth Cook "can no longer function effectively as the Bishop Suffragan" in light of her involvement in the drunk driving hit and run death of Thomas Palermo. They've asked for her resignation of that post. 

Am I the only one that feels that they haven't gone far enough? Maybe I'm a little too outraged, but perhaps the Episcopal Church isn't outraged enough. 

This woman's ass should be fired. And not just from the Bishop Suffragan position. Unless the Church thinks she's going to be ministering from a Maryland prison, they need to defrock her completely. For the act alone of killing another human being, even by accident, and then leaving him to die, she should be so done as a member of the clergy. 

As of this writing, she hasn't said whether or not she will resign her post. The fact is that she shouldn't have been asked; she should have been told she was out. 

I'm glad the Church is praying for her, but I hope they're praying even harder for Thomas Palermo. And they should also pray that his widow doesn't go after the Church. I don't know that she'd have a case against them, but...it could be a continuing media feeding frenzy. 

Stay tuned. 

Good Clergy, Part 5: Baltimore Sun Reader Calls Out Heather Elizabeth Cook

This letter to the Baltimore Sun sums up perfectly how I feel about this case. A huge kudos to Ms. MacCuaig for having the courage to write it. I've included it here in its entirety.

Episcopal Bishop Suffragan Heather Cook and the tragedy of bicyclist Tom Palermo's accidental death at her hands are the subject of daily news articles, yet the incident has been conspicuously absent from The Sun's letters column ("Bishop Cook posts $2.5M bond, to be released," Jan. 15).

Perhaps there has been a desire, albeit misguided, to protect Ms. Cook given the agony we must assume she is in.

Nevertheless, the news that Judge Nicole Pastore Klein will not reduce her $2.5 million bail at least feels something like justice. The fact that Ms. Cook put herself in treatment at Father Martin's Ashley after the accident is unimpressive.

Ask anyone who has ever had a DUI or other drug offense and you'll find that such a ploy for clemency after the fact is just that — a ploy.

Ms. Cook should have put herself back into rehab years ago.

Instead, she has led what could be called a double, even duplicitous, life: On the one hand preaching and leading within the Episcopal Diocese of Maryland, and on the other indulging alcohol abuse that resulted in extraordinary recklessness and the death of a man who, by all rights, should be alive today.

The carelessness and hypocrisy is overwhelming, and overwhelmingly discouraging. Jail is the appropriate place for her.

Myra MacCuaig, Towson

Good Clergy, Part 4: Heather Elizabeth Cook Posts Bail; Episcopal Church Considers Punishment and Election Process

I'm disappointed to report that Ms. Cook was released from jail on Thursday the 15th. Somehow she actually posted the $2.5 million bond and is on her way to a treatment facility. Luckily for all of us, part of the court's order was that she not drive while she is free, assuming she choose to abide by it. She'll be at a treatment facility and hopefully won't need to drive anywhere.

I disagree with the judge's decision...if it had been her 1st DUI maybe I could see letting her post bail. But for a second involving a fatality? She was also in a position of trust, and to me that merits a stronger punishment.

The Baltimore Sun also reports that the Episcopal Church is considering what punishment to hand down to Ms. Cook. To me this is a no-brainer: She should be defrocked. She killed an innocent person, for fuck's sake. She gave up her right to perform her duties as a member of clergy when she ran into a cyclist and left him at the scene to die. 

To me there's no "deliberation" required. I don't care if she was somehow found innocent of this crime in court, which isn't going to happen anyway; she's done enough damage to her own reputation and that of the Episcopal Church that she can no longer carry out her duties. She's unfit for the clergy. At least 7 people, half of them priests or deacons, will make a recommendation to a board of review, who will hand down the punishment. But honestly, any punishment less than "get the fuck out" is a slap on the wrist for me.

Finally, it appears that the Episcopal Church is looking into the election process. According to the Baltimore Sun, "Church officials say Cook disclosed the charges to a search committee. But they say delegates who voted in the election knew nothing of the charges." The same group that is investigating Cook's case will also be undertaking the review of her election. They will be doing interviews with those who took part in the election, and establish what they knew, as well as with people who worked with Ms. Cook during her time as a priest.

There needs to be complete transparency for there to be healing in this case. I wouldn't be surprised to hear the Episcopal Church put new standards in place to ensure that elections are not only done fairly, but that everyone involved has full knowledge of the facts, especially about the candidates.

Positive thoughts and prayers to them. This is going to be ugly no matter how you slice it. As long as they're open about what they find, and as long as they don't allow Heather Elizabeth Cook to minister to anyone ever again, I think they can be successful.