Planetary Meeting via Zoom: Mars Retrograde

Sun: Good morning, everyone! It’s been a while so I figured we should all get together…via Zoom. A special thanks to Mercury for setting all this up so we could meet from home.

Mercury: My pleasure, sir. Saturn, can we see you please?

Saturn: [annoyed] I can see myself! Why can’t you see me?

Sun: We can see you, Saturn…but just the top of your head.

Saturn: [adjusts screen] Better?

Sun: Thanks, Saturn. [pause] Lady Moon, could you go over our agenda for us?

Moon: Certainly, sir. Today’s meeting is to talk about Mars’ upcoming retrograde, as well as Mercury’s, and the Great Conjunction in December.

Sun: Thanks, Lady Moon. Mars, are you packed?

Mars: Yeah, boss. I’m packed, generally. Not ready for this, but I’m packed. I leave next Wednesday.

Moon: I’m sorry, Mars. I know this is not the best time for you to have to go away.

Mars: Damn fucking right it isn’t. I mean, who the fuck scheduled for me to be in retrograde in Aries and during a PANDEMIC? That’s just cruel!

Venus: We understand, Mars.

Saturn: We all must do our duty, Mars. But you’ll go direct soon enough I expect. Bear it well.

Jupiter: [imitating Saturn] 'Bear it well!' Look how I inspire you! 

Saturn: Your feeble attempts at wit go unappreciated, you expansive cretin!

Jupiter: Ooooooh! Cretin! Hurt me some more, you dirty old man! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT!

Sun: I will happily mute you both. [pause] Mars, where are you planning to visit this time?

Mars: Not sure yet. Someplace that actually has shit open, so that means…pretty much anywhere except the US. Maybe Europe? They’re playing sports at least.

Neptune: Who would have thought that so many people would have embraced me in the last six months? I mean…if they’re not doing creative projects, they’re drinking! I never thought I could be this happy!

Sun: Neptune makes a point. People have started new workout routines indoors, Mars, so take comfort that some people are improving themselves.

Mars: Venus is in her glory! [looks at Venus] Yeah, some people are buying Peloton bikes, but do you know how many calories people are consuming these days as they sit on their damn couches?

Venus: You’re starting to get irritable. I can tell it’s almost that time of your cycle.

Mars: Oh, very cute, Venus, very fucking cute!

Venus: Seriously, though, I can’t blame people for wanting to not do anything and be comfortable, can I?

Uranus: And most of them are at least surfing the world online! It won’t burn calories, but…think of how much the world has been brought together. It’s one giant collective!

Mars: GIANT is the word, Urnie. People won’t walk afterward…they’ll fucking waddle!

Sun: Well, I hope you can try to embrace the positive as you take a walk around, Mars. You will turn direct on November 13 and be home before you know it.

Mars: I’ll try, boss, but I’ll be dealing with lots of very out of shape, pent up, horny people who can’t fucking deal. How the fuck do you handle THAT?

Saturn: Yes, even you can’t satisfy them all sexually, although I don’t put it past you to try.

Venus: [mouth drops open] That was really mean, Old Man! Well it would have been if Mars was more perceptive. 

Sun: Agreed! That’s beneath you, Saturn! Seriously, though…good listening skills would likely help you, Mars.

Mercury: His ability to be an active listener is somewhat limited, boss.

Mars: What did you say, Brainiac?

Mercury: [holds a hand up] Let me try…”Dude, sit your ass down and nod your head when people talk to you. Then look serious!”

Mars: Is THAT all it is? I can do THAT! Everyone makes it sound so hard!

Sun: [facepalm] Lady Moon, do you think we can table the other two agenda items for today? I’m suddenly feeling unwell.

Moon: Certainly, sir.

Sun: Any final remarks before we adjourn?

Jupiter: Good luck, Mars. You’ll need it.

Moon: We will keep you in our hearts, Mars.

Venus: Yes, we sure will. Hang in there and I’ll see you when you come back.

Neptune: Here’s some advice, Mars: Talk less. Smile more. Don’t let them know that you think that they’re all whores.

Pluto: Don’t die, Mars. I won’t miss you but other people might.

Sun: Let us know how you’re doing Mars. I look forward to hearing from you!

[Mars leaves the Zoom call]

Pluto: Heh. What a wimp.

Sun: You didn’t have any advice for Mars, Old Man? [pauses and looks at screen] Oh that’s right…I muted him earlier. [pauses] Shit…I should have muted myself. You can end the call now, Mercury.

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: The Winter Solstice Party

Sun: Good afternoon, everyone! I hope everyone is enjoying the season so far?

Venus: Yes, sir! Definitely.

Sun: Glad to hear it! Gentlemen? What about you?

Saturn: Joy to the world is not really my cup of tea, sir. But once the solstice comes and my power is renewed I’m sure I’ll be more...

Jupiter: Don’t say ‘Jovial’, Old Man. We all know that isn’t you!

Saturn: I think you’re safe, Jupiter. That’s not a word that passes my lips.  Let’s go with ‘content’. If Mercury was here, I’m sure he would do a better job finding le mot juste.

Mars: Come on, you ancient fuck! Mercury is bad enough!

Sun: Mars, come now...

Saturn: [to Mars] Young man, you can disparage...wait just one moment, Mars. [to everyone] Mercury has been teaching me some language to better communicate with my colleagues for quite some time now. 

Venus: Oh, Saturn, that’s incredibly harmonious of you!

Saturn: Well, it’s mainly to reinforce the idea that even “old dogs” can learn new tricks. So let me try this. [Clears throat] 
[To Mars] DUDE GET OFF MY JOCK!  

Mars: I GET IT, YOU OLD BASTARD! [laughing]

Saturn: It seems my lessons are paying off. Excellent. 

Venus: [mouth dropping open] I’m...pleased that you’re learning to get along better with everyone, Saturn. [To Mars] Perhaps you could do the same, Mars? Since all you do is “win win win no matter what?”

Mars: [pauses] Ummmmm, yeah, Venus...about that...

Saturn: [to Sun] Sorry to have derailed you, sir. Let’s get back to our agenda.

Sun: Thank you! So you’ve had time to think about our yearly solstice party. What ideas do you have? And keep in mind the front office will be paying for most of it; our swearing fundraiser was exceptionally successful. 

Uranus: We’ve gotta shake things up, sir. How about one of those indoor skydiving places?

Mars: Dude, I’m so down!

Sun: I’m sorry, gentlemen, but one of the few stipulations for funding the event is that it does NOT require a waiver.

Mars: Fuck me. So there goes paintball and most of the fun shit. Another party that will be BOOOOOOOOORRRRRING!

Pluto: Good try, no-nads. 

Mars: How about an all you can eat shrimp buffet? Oh wait, that would be like cannibalism for you, Pluto!

Venus: [kicks Mars] How about we consider other options that all of us might enjoy?

Moon: I’m a fan of what we have been doing, but as long as we’re all in the same place, I’ll be happy with whatever. 

Neptune: I kind of agree with Lady Moon. I want something inspiring, though.

Jupiter: I don’t know that I’ve been to an inspiring holiday party before, but I think it’s something to shoot for.

Sun: I had an idea. Maybe we could get a private room at one of those Brazilian steakhouses? The food is good and we can just relax and not worry about the cleanup or someone having to clean their homes to accommodate all of us.

Moon: I like that suggestion, sir. Do you think they can accommodate all of us? 

Sun: Well there are only 10 of us, Lady Moon. They absolutely should be able to handle 10. 

Moon: We should probably make sure we have a little more room, in case we need the extra space. 

Sun: [looks confused and then brightens] Ah yes, that’s true. You never know what we might need extra room for.

Venus: Absolutely! Dancing maybe?

Sun: You never know! Mars, they will bring you non-stop meat on skewers!

Mars: America fuck yeah! I’m IN!

Moon: Does anyone have an objection?

[shaking heads around the table]

Sun: Well, it sounds like we have a winner. [to Lady Moon] Please make the reservations. [winks]

Moon: Yes, sir. I’ll take care of it immediately. Shall I see if the solstice itself is available?

Venus: That would be lovely, sir.

Saturn: Yes, sir. I agree. We can put Saturn back in Saturnalia where it belongs! 

Sun: Saturn’s comments notwithstanding, done and done. 

Neptune: And they have a bar, so...

Pluto: That’s where I’ll be.

Shutdown Press Conference from the Sun

[The Sun stands behind a podium, with the Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars to his left, and Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto to his right.]

Sun: Good evening, everyone. I come before you with a matter of the utmost importance. Specifically, I'd like to address the people of the United States affected by the government shutdown.

Please know that whether you are a furloughed government employee or working without pay, a contractor, a small business owner, or a private citizen impacted by this terrible event, know that you matter to me! 

To the hardworking employees of the United States Government, I know many of you will not receive checks today. This is an incredibly frustrating, demoralizing, and nerve-wracking time for you, and all of us here share your pain. 

As your chief astrological executive, I pledge that I will put every effort into helping you cope with current conditions. Right now, every astrological planet is direct--in itself a rare event!--and in a position to help you. I have asked Jupiter and Saturn, who are not present today, and I have directed them to work on this problem until the situation is resolved. Let me assure you of their seriousness and diligence.

Finally, as a gesture of goodwill, none of us will receive a paycheck until this crisis is resolved. Lady Moon, would you please...

Moon: Yes, sir. I'd be happy to. [Moves to the front of podium] Many of you are embracing me right now, as I am who you go to in times of crisis. Please accept my sympathies and wishes for a speedy resolution forward. Do not close yourself in your homes worrying if you can help it, and please make sure you are taking care of yourselves, especially by resting. Mercury...I believe you're next?

Mercury: [moves to front] Yes, ma'am. As chief information officer please keep abreast of what's going on out there. Things can happen quickly. Hopefully, this thing can end even more quickly than it began. Also, I know this can be a very nervous time for many. Deal with the facts as you have them in front of you as much as is possible. Speculation about what might happen will erode your mental health slowly but surely. Venus, I think you're up?

Venus: [Moves to front] Thanks, Merc. As the planet of money and cooperation, I can't express my disappointment deeply enough. The very idea that some people are considered "non-essential" makes me incredibly sad, because everyone is always essential! The fact that not only do you not have money to meet basic needs, or are losing money indirectly, is infuriating. This has happened because people won't compromise! Sadly, you will have to put some of what you want on the back burner for now until this thing is resolved, and for that, I cry with you.  Hold your loved ones a little tighter, please, and try not to sell anything in these hard times that you're going to regret losing later. Again, I'm so sorry. Know that you are loved and appreciated for more than just what you are able to buy and do. Mars...you're up. 

Mars: [shoves Merc out of the way and faces the Sun] Boss, we're not getting paid? When did this shit happen?

Mercury: An email sent two days ago at 3:45pm entitled, "Suspension of Salaries due to Financial Crisis", Mars. I'm guessing you didn't read it? I know you were on the TO line. 

Mars: Well now I'm REALLY fuckin' pissed! And I know you are too! But hear me out: GO DO SOMETHING. Get your ass off the couch and make something happen. Use that anger to get some shit done, especially if you're not going to work or have some more free time. And if you've got time, you've got time for sex, right? Damn right you do! Take what you can get, especially 'cause sex is free, amirite? [leers at Venus] Who's next?

Uranus: [Steps forward, carefully avoiding Mars] This whole thing has thrown a monkey wrench into your financial life and into your plans! I just was in Taurus but moved back into Aries not long ago. I should be back in Taurus in six weeks, but I hope the shutdown doesn't last that long. When it comes to your finances, think outside the box! You may have more than you know. And use social media to help deal with your feelings and to make ends meet whenever possible. Look for online deals and specials if you're in need, and share those that you find. Nep?

Neptune: [stumbles toward the podium] I know getting drunk sounds like a really good idea right now, but if you can find an escape that's a little healthier than that, you won't regret it as much later. And if you've got some extra time--GET CREATIVE! Write, draw, paint, craft, whatever. Put some of that energy into creating something beautiful. Thanks...where's Pluto?

[All look around and Pluto is nowhere to be found]

Sun: I apologize that a member of my staff seems to have...stepped away...

Mars: I smell an ass kicking! I mean what the fuck dude? Little shrimpie couldn't take the heat? TOLD YOU!

Sun: [grimaces slightly] Mars, please...I'm sure there's an explanation. [faces front]. In short, good people, please don't get down on yourselves. We're here to serve you as best we can and hope the situation gets resolved soon. If we have any news we'll send it along. 

For now, please hang in there!

Sun Opposing Uranus: Expecting the Unexpected

Moon: Go on in, John...they'll see you now. [smiles]

John: Thank you, Lady Moon. You're positively beaming!

Moon: [grins] And you should be, too, for passing your astrology certification exam! That's quite an accomplishment.

John: I'll admit it wasn't easy, Lady Moon. I'm honored and humbled.

[enters office]

Sun: John! Come on in and sit down. [hands John a glass] Diet root beer, as I recall?

John: Thank you, sir. Luna has an excellent memory, doesn't she?

Sun: Cheeky already, I see. Excellent!

John: Is Uranus here or is he running late?

Uranus: [voice] I'm here!

John: I don't see you...where are you? [Turns around] What are you doing behind the door?

Uranus: Have you met me? Did you expect me to be just sitting in a chair like every other planet?

John: Fair enough. That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you both about anyway.

[Uranus sits down; the Sun sits directly across from him]

Sun: So how can we help you?

John: [sits down] So I just had a question. I found out last week that I passed my astrology certification exam.

Sun: I heard! Congratulations! Casting charts by hand isn't easy, is it?

John: Nope, it sure isn't. [drinks some soda]

Uranus: And yet it has value!

John: That's true, Uranus. But I looked at the chart for the date and time that it happened, and you were at 1 Taurus 37.

Uranus: [confused] Yeah...so what?

Sun: I think I can answer that. Wasn't I sitting at 1 Scorpio 37, John, when you were born? As I recall that was the moment.

John: Yes, sir. That's correct.

Uranus: Well I'll be damned! That explains a LOT, doesn't it? I opposed your natal Sun position. You know how rare that is?

John: I was just thinking that it's once or twice in a lifetime, right?

Sun: Yup. Urnie doesn't move fast enough for it to happen more than that.

Uranus: Hey now...I move pretty good for an older guy!

Sun: I can see you've come a long way in your studies, John. Good for you!

John: Far enough to see something this obvious, sir. But what I want to know from your rebellious charge here [gestures toward Uranus] is what is coming next. Can you tell me that?

Uranus: Dude...how should I know?

John: Astrology exam results are one thing, but I have some other things in play. I'd love some more clarity. [finishes soda]

Uranus: Who do you think I am? Mercury?

Sun: I guess we'll just have to wait and see, John. Sorry.

Uranus: I'm not!

Moon: [from outside] Urnie, be nice! And John...don't leave that glass in his office, please.

John: [stands up and raising voice slightly] Yes, ma'am. I'll bring it to you on my way out.

Tara's New Moon in Gemini Forecast!

June 13, 2018

3:43pm

Washington, DC

Hello Sky Watchers!

Welcome back for another discussion on our bi-monthly lunations. As we have discussed in past posts, the New Moon is a lunar rebirth and symbolizes new beginnings.

At the time that the moon perfects (completes) its conjunction (union) with the Sun, Libra will be moving across the eastern horizon. With Libra rising, Venus rules the chart, giving a measure of beauty or smoothness to the outer appearance. However, there is far more beneath the surface to this New Moon.

Chart ruler Venus will be conjunct the MC (Midheaven), so your outer life could seem fantastic. You could be finally doing what you love and have found your calling within your career. However, with Venus at the last degree of Cancer, also known as a critical or anaretic degree, this indicates the comfort we feel may not last very long. Critical degrees are between 29 and zero degrees, when a planet is about to enter into a new sign. The new sign changes the expression of energy and alters how the planet was expressing itself.

Venus in Cancer is nurturing and emotional. If you’ve noticed a shakeup in your relationships these last few days, there is a good reason why: Venus squares Uranus, the planet of revolution. Uranus just moved into Taurus after spending 7 years in Aries. Taurus represents the things we find comfort in, and the traditions we have grown accustomed to. At the time of the New Moon, the relationship between Venus and Uranus suggests the need for adjustment between energies.

Also, Uranus will be in the 7th house of relationships and Venus will be in the 10th house of career. We need to balance what we desire with our outer lives and the changes we are facing with our interpersonal relationships with others. The presence of Uranus here suggests that some of these changes could be both surprising and upsetting.

Mercury rules the sign Gemini, and Gemini is the sign the New Moon lunation occurs in. Mercury is in the 9th house of the higher mind and abstract thinking, but in the sign of Cancer. Cancer makes Mercury very thoughtful, reflective, and emotional. Mercury is sextile Uranus and semi-sextile Venus at the time of the New Moon. Sextiles and semi-sextiles denote the planets are working together. With emotional Mercury in the house of higher thought working with the planet of love and revolution in the 10th and 7th houses; we can be sure that there will be aspects to the changes which will make an emotional impact on us to which we will most likely have an emotionally charged response.

Mercury is also inconjunct Mars in Aquarius in the 4th house of home and family. Mars is Aquarius screams independence, freedom and even rebellion. An inconjunction requires adjustments to avoid unfavorable outcomes. With emotional Mercury clashing with Mars, changes made in our environment or our interpersonal relationships could be met with an emotional response. Be prepared for the people in your lives to disagree with the direction you’re due to their own desires and needs.

The 8th house is the heaviest house in the chart and the Sun and Moon reside there. The 8th house’s focus is on what we need to let go, the merger of energy for a common goal, transformation, death and rebirth. Although the Sun and moon have no relationship to Mercury in this chart, they are still ruled by it because they are in Gemini. With Mercury in Cancer, the way we communicate could be much more emotional than usual, watering down normal Gemini banter with the potential for sarcasm or moodiness. Choose your words carefully.

See you next time, Sky Watchers!

Blessings,

Tara

Uranus in Taurus: The Rebellion of the Bull

[phone rings--"Age of Aquarius" ringtone]

John: Hello?

Uranus: Hi John...Urnie here! I heard you were looking for me!

John: Hi there sir...yes, I was, actually. How did you hear that?

Uranus: Social media is such a great way to stay in touch with people. Mercury told me someone was asking you about me so I figured I'd give you a call. 

John: [annoyed] Did Mercury tell you that the message he saw was a private message and not on social media?

Uranus: He did not mention that part, John. 

John: [grumbles] I'm going to have to talk with him again about private information...

Uranus: Well there's your problem right there! Merc doesn't believe that information is private. And the Sun just moved into Gemini, the planet of information. So what do you expect?

John: Fair enough. So did Mercury tell you why I wanted to talk to you?

Uranus: I already know why. It's because EVERYONE is talking about me right now. I just changed signs and moved from Aries into Taurus! So I'm sort of a big deal at the moment because it only happens once every seven years! Tons of astrologers are sharing information about me. 

John: Well a lot of my readers don't know you particularly well. Could you tell me about yourself for their benefit?

Uranus: Of course! Wider audiences are always better. And to be fair you really don't talk about me that much in this space. The Old Man always seems to hog the spotlight. We need to talk about that sometime. 

John: Whatever. 

Uranus: Dismissive much? I could make a really good argument...

John: I'm sure you could because one thing people do know is that you love being deliberately contrary!

Uranus: RIGHT. I do my own thing. I'm the planet of rebellion and revolution! So went people want to be shaken, not stirred, they come to me! Or rather, I come to them.

John: You're the planet that breaks shit. 

Uranus: I object to that characterization. I'm the wild card. [shrugs shoulders] OK well yeah often it involves breaking shit. But I break your cell phones and other devices so you can get new ones. That's cool, isn't it?

John: I guess that depends on who you ask. So you moved into Taurus. What's going to happen now?

Uranus: Well, Taurus is the sign of stuff. So I think a lot of people are going to start throwing stuff away. Hoarders beware! I think people are going to have less of a focus on material things over the next 7 years. But more importantly, let's talk about money!

John: That's an important topic to a lot of people. 

Uranus: It sure is! I'm part of the money revolution. And I think we're going to see more changes in our financial lives. More new currencies like BitCoin are going to come around. Some will be a flash in the pan, but some, like Taurus the Bull, will stay around for a while. Knowing which is which will be challenging!

John: What else are you going to deal with? 

Uranus: Not done with money yet! So when was the last time you went to a physical bank?

John: Ummmm, I don't know...a few weeks ago?

Uranus: There's almost no point in going into one. And many banks don't have physical locations anymore, or very few. With the rise of technology, people can perform the vast majority of tasks with their gadgets and there's no need for the old-time teller. Most financial institutions will start needing social media coordinators and online financial advisors to answer more questions via chat or text.

John: Fascinating! I could see that.

Uranus: And when was the last time you went into a physical STORE? I mean not an online shop.

John: Yesterday. 

Uranus: Right. That revolution will take longer but I expect retail to be completely transformed in seven years. Who's to say who will survive and who won't?

John: Wow. That sounds scary! 

Uranus: The last time I went into Taurus--it was 84 years ago--we were talking about the great economy after World War 1, then the crash of 1929, inflation, the Great Depression, rationing, and the beginning of social security. So you can expect lots of similar changes here. Did you know that the last time I was in Taurus the game Monopoly was invented?

John: NO! Really? That's one of my favorites!

Uranus: Yes indeed. 1935! And honestly, people need to be VERY CAREFUL with their money this time around, if history is any judge. There will be a lot of rags to riches stories, but even more riches to rags ones, I suspect. That's the problem with me and money...easy come, easy go! Expect significant fluctuations. And if you lose money under me, you're likely not getting it back at least anytime soon.

John: Yeah, it sounds like it. But what about the good news?

Uranus: There's PLENTY of that too. I'm the planet of revolutions, including feminism! Expect women to be earning more and becoming the breadwinners in more families. Also, in more boardrooms, women will play a larger role. I'm progressive, right? Well, I suspect there may be a lot more diversity. Taurus doesn't change much, but I'm here to tell you that if I put my mind to it, some big things can happen.

John: Now the progressive stuff sounds fantastic. Different is good!

Uranus: Indeed. 

John: So, can you give my readers a final thought. 

Uranus: Sure. One of the areas that people forget--you included--is that I'm a freedom-loving planet. Under Taurus I'm going to want to free you from stuff, traditional financial stuff, and traditional roles and values. Let me show you what I mean. There may be some significant job losses over the next seven years in careers that normally were good earners. That's because it's time to evolve. If you find yourself involuntarily "freed" from a job--fired, laid off, etc.--then it's about what you DO with that freedom that counts. 

John: That's so easy to say until you're the one wondering where your next dollar is coming from. 

Uranus: Spoken like a Saturn rising! No one likes losing their income--it's nerve-racking, as Mercury will tell you. But I'm telling you to look to the future, because you'll see a lot more glimpses of what's to come, if you're prepared to look. Don't get caught flat-footed. Be careful with debt, pensions, and any investment that you think is going to pay you in the long term. Get a new financial advisor if yours isn't working for you. And then hopefully the plan you choose will help you weather the storm.

John: Thanks so much, Uranus...

Uranus: Dude, I gotta jet! Lots to do!

[Uranus hangs up]

John: Well, I guess he's done. 

2018 Forecast from Uranus

Greetings, mortals. Uranus here, God of the Sky--ok, so technically, as Saturn would say, I'm the planet NAMED for the God of the Sky, but since he cut my dick off a while back I think it doesn't FUCKING MATTER WHAT HE SAYS!

Well, pressing on then. John has asked me to discuss where I'll be heading in 2018. Like many of the outer planets I'm spending a lot of time in retrograde, but I'll be making some progress through the zodiac. 

I was retrograde at 24 Aries 34 when the year started, but I was practically stationary at that time, and I went direct on January 3. I go maybe 3-4 minutes a day when I'm in direct motion--that's about 5-7% of one degree, for those of you playing at home, though I bet you Aquarians already knew it, didn't you! OF COURSE YOU DID! Smarter than the rest of them, aren't you? 

Actually, I'll be in direct motion until August 8, finishing Aries and heading into Taurus, and I'll get all the way to 2 Taurus 34 by then. As we celebrate New Years' Eve on 2018, I'll be back at 28 Aries 37. But fear not! I turn direct again in early 2019. 

What this means, good people, is that if you have planets between 24 Aries and 2 Taurus, I'll be paying them a visit. And yes, John can be a tiresome old bore--he works too much and is generally too predictable like his ruling planet, Saturn of the Saggy Scrotum--but he's right to say that when I come along, I tend to break shit. If he's being nice, he says, "Expect the unexpected!"

If I hit one of your planets or other sensitive points, IT'S GOING DOWN! Maybe you'll rebel or cause a revolution in your own life! WHO KNOWS! Hell I don't even know, because I haven't gotten there yet.

Toodles, good people, and good luck! And if that motherfucking Saturn tries to tell you he owns Aquarians, HE NEEDS TO FUCKING STEP OFF!

Reporting from SOTA 2017

Sun: Good evening, everyone! I've called this meeting to get a report on the State of the Art (SOTA) Conference for 2017.

Moon: Sir, no one has had time to send in written documentation, so we'll have to go with verbal only reports. [Frowns] I'm guessing people had...other matters to attend to?

Sun: I'm sure you're right, Lady Moon. Verbal reports it is. Pluto, can we start with you?

Pluto: Well, there was a lot of lumping me in with the Hippie and Sir Breaks-A-Lot over there...

Saturn: Your astrological role is somewhat constricted, Pluto, due to your very long cycle. And you scare people. 

Pluto: You've got no right to say anything, saggy ass! People spend half their lives worrying about what you'll do next.

Neptune: It's OK, Pluto...we're all trying to inspire people. Saturn has to do it in his own way. And what does it matter if you're with Urnie and I?

Pluto: That's where you're wrong, you lying sack of shit! And I'm stunned you're actually HERE on time. Where's your mind right now? 

Saturn: Pluto, there's no need to cast aspersions. I was disappointed that Jessica Lanyadoo wasn't able to come, but Ellen Bourn definitely had the right idea about me. 

Uranus: It was an astrology conference. I was having a fantastic time. Donna van Toen once again captured my essence, as usual. And there was an excellent social media presence for the conference as well.

Neptune: Creativity was everywhere! Inspiration! And alcohol!

Sun: Uranus and Neptune, I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves. 

Uranus: MJ Patterson's presentation on genius in the astrological chart was also a big hit. She's not one of mine, but still...

Sun: She's one of mine, Urnie, and she's earned that honor. Great leader, too, if I may say so. Definitely on the rise. 

Moon: The latest information I have, sir, is that people felt comfortable together and really connected. 

Sun: That's important, Lady Moon. Mercury?

Mercury: That Gary Caton REALLY gets me. He totally seems to understand what I'm all about. Lots and lots of astrological communication all weekend. The air was filled with it!

Mars: I bet it pissed other people off to have all these weird people speaking in tongues. I mean, I'm all for passion but dude these people don't quit. I can barely get it, even when they're talking about me! At least most of the other people around were there for HOCKEY!

Saturn: They weren't talking about you much, Mars. When was the last time you heard someone talk about a Mars return?

Sun: People do talk about their Mars return, Saturn. And I doubt they dread it like many people do yours. And that's not a disparaging comment...it's just a fact.

Venus: Old Man, you do your job too well sometimes. 

Saturn: Perhaps, Lady Venus. Perhaps. But although I am reluctant to say it, I heard no one disparage me. 

Sun: You're very important, Saturn. All of you are. When is the conference over?

Mercury: Tomorrow are the post-conference sessions, sir, so many people went home today. 

Mars: What about our boy?

Saturn: By "our boy", Mars, you really mean my boy, John, right?

Mars: Earth to Mr. Geritol...you can remember all kinds of stupid shit but I'm his almuten, remember?

Sun: As weird as it is to say this, point taken, Mars. Merc?

Mercury: As I understand it, he presented today and the feedback we have is that it went well. Nothing on paper...we only have verbal reporting.

Saturn: [SIGH] Once again, he does that ridiculous thing with cards instead of spending his time doing astrology lectures. When will that boy learn?

Neptune: His work is divinely inspired, Saturn. Give the man time to blossom!

Mars: Yeah, dude. Where the fuck are you going? You got plenty of time! And did you see John in the gym? I was fucking thrilled he was there! Good on him!

Venus: John met a number of new people and renewed some friendships. He had a wonderful time, sir. 

Sun: Any word on his return home, Mercury?

Mercury: The latest I have is that he has an early morning tomorrow to drive home. He shouldn't face any challenging weather. 

Jupiter: You've said THAT before, Mr. Intel.

Mercury: I have a fantastic track record, Jupiter, and unlike you, I have real data, not propaganda. But sometimes information is incorrect. Nobody's perfect.

Moon: I know John misses his home and family, sir, so it's good that he's heading out tomorrow. I know he'll be a little sad to say goodbye to his friends, but hopefully he'll see them next year. 

Sun: Thanks, everyone. Any alibis?

[Mercury's phone goes off]

Sun: Mercury...what have I said about your phone? For the planet of memory I'm very surprised.

Mars: Maybe it's one of his bitches!

[Venus kicks Mars]

Mars: OW! Bitch that hurt!

Mercury: [shuts phone off] Sorry, sir. It won't happen again.

Saturn: [SIGH]

Sun: I think we're done here, folks. Thank you as always.

Jupiter, Uranus, and the State of the Art (SOTA) Conference

Uranus: [whispering] Now I'm the one who has to do this crap? I thought the outer planets got left alone!

Jupiter: [whispering back] Urnie, just shut up and let's get this over with!

Uranus: Hello, everyone! I'm here under duress, and I rebel against this useless marketing ploy!

Jupiter: HA HA! What my generational friend would like to say is that he's thrilled and proud to be here as we talk about John's upcoming appearance at the State of the Art (SOTA) astrology conference next month and why you should come join us.

Uranus: Wait...you never said it was called "State of the Art"! That's me to a "T"! You know...cutting edge! New age shit!

Jupiter: Well, what did you think SOTA stood for?

Uranus: I thought it was a carbonated drink we were promoting!

Jupiter: Oh for fuck's sake! No, dude, we're promoting an astrology conference! You know, the one John's speaking at next month in Buffalo!

Uranus: Oh yeah! Well, that makes me a lot more excited. But I thought we should change the format up a little bit; we've been doing things the same way around here for too long.

Jupiter: Urnie, I understand your impulses and all, but my job is marketing and publishing. John has his own style that we probably shouldn't mess with.

Uranus: It's too late! How about we do a Talk Like a Pirate Day theme? "Yarrrr, shiver me timbers, and raise all the sails as we make way for Buffalo across the cold, hungry ocean! Move it, ye landlubbers or you're headin' to Davy Jone's locker! Yarrrrrr!"

Jupiter: As I recall that's a lake, not the ocean. 

Uranus: Fine. How about something a little more formal then? "Esteemed astrologers from all over the eastern United States and Canada will be joining John in cosmopolitan Buffalo as they discuss the most riveting metaphysical topics of the day!"

Jupiter: Dude, John's going to be so pissed...

Uranus: No? John should like the Boston-accented version then! "In late Octobah while the Sox ah winnin' the pennant, if you don't have tickets to Fenway Pahk you oughta get to Logan and fly outta theyah to Buffalo! And the Bills SUCK! In Belichick We Trust!"

Jupiter: It's sort of mid-October, Uranus. The 19th through the 23rd. We want people to know so they'll sign up, so make sure to give them the link. Are you even listening to me anymore?

Uranus: Nope...because I've got the perfect one!

Jupiter: Oh shit. Do I even want to know?

Uranus: The Old Man!

Jupiter: [smiling] OK, now this one I can get behind.

Uranus: Turn on the music! [Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background; slow and steady news anchor delivery] "Metaphysics is, and always will be, a Saturnian subject. Are you giving enough time to your astrology, tarot, or other metaphysical studies? Let's not fool ourselves; I'm sure you're not. I entreat you respectfully to consecrate four days to Jessica Lanyadoo's or Ellen Bourn's study of yours truly. There may be some other less important topics on offer, but unless you attend, you will not understand the dignity and majesty of astrology. Miss it, and you will be depressed. Mark my words well, on behalf of the seven planets that we once were and hopefully will be again."

Jupiter: [laughing hard] DUDE THAT WAS AWESOME! And who's that Lanyadoo lady? And Ellen Bourn?

Uranus: Jessica and Ellen are both giving presentations on Saturn. Personally, I'm planning to pop in for Donna van Toen's lectures on yours truly.

Jupiter: Wow. Well, it looks like our work here is done!

Uranus: Wait! What's John doing?

Jupiter: Some lunch lecture on Sunday. 

Uranus: Don't care. It's LIBERATION TIME! Exit...stage left! [runs off]

Jupiter: That bastard really does break everything he touches. 

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Retrogrades Triple Play

Sun: Good morning, everyone! [looks around] We've got a few seats empty today. Lady Moon, who are we missing?

Pluto: Thankfully the Old Man's gone! [Mimics old person talking with New England accent] "Back in my day when we called it "making whoopee" and your grandmothah was givin' me a hummah..."

Moon: [blushes and chuckles] As Pluto has astutely pointed out, sir, Saturn is on his business trip.

Pluto: [continues, but now mimicking Saturn] "How dare you say such a thing in front of a lady, Pluto. [SIGH] We were seven planets once!"  HAHAHAHAHA! What a fucking asshole.

Sun:  [smirks] I'd like everyone in this room to know that I'm not condoning that sort of commentary about anyone, even if he is kind of an asshole. It's his claim to fame, and he does it well. Lady Moon, please write the following into the record: "Pluto's disparaging remarks about other members were condemned by the Sun and all present and were stricken from the record."

Moon: Sir, this is an official record of our proceedings. Are you sure you don't want to discuss this offline?

Sun: Dear Lady, please let the records reflect my earlier statement. Let's just consider what I said "alternative facts" since they seem to be so popular these days. Anyone who might dispute that assertion is out, so there it is. And speaking of absences, who else is out?

Moon: Venus has not yet returned to direct motion. And Mercury just left. 

Mars: Dude, people are PISSED about what's happening. Merc is really fucking some shit up!

Sun: I suspect you have something to share, Mars?

Mars: Yeah! Our favorite blogger has been struggling all week. First, he had people cancel on him for lunch four separate times. Honestly, it's just as well because he still needs to drop some weight! Merc was doing him a favor!

Sun: Just the facts, please, Mars, and no commentary on John's fitness level. 

Mars: Then his printer shit the wall, and after struggling with it all evening he had to buy a new one. And THEN his new printer didn't want to connect to the network until he FINALLY got it working. That's John's fault, though, for buying new computer stuff during Merc retro. Fat bastard ought to know better!

Sun: Wow. Sounds like standard Mercury retrograde stuff to me. [looks are Uranus] Urnie, did you have something?

Uranus: Yes, sir. One of John's FaceBook friends, Leslie, reported that she's having a lot of trouble getting through to people this week. I think her quote was, "It's as if all communications are GARBLED! I say one thing, people hear something else. I am trying to be careful to be clear and neutral." Sounds like that Scorpio lady knows what she's doing!

Neptune: It's really awful when people don't understand. Mercury is one of us, and he gets constantly dumped on. And all this negativity is sort of bringing me down.

Mars: No, that's just the Jaegermeister, Nep!

Neptune: Dude, I resent that remark. There's no way I'd drink that stuff...without proper shot glasses.

Jupiter: Amen to that, Nep. 

Sun: Jupiter, you're our publishing expert. Do we have an update on John's next book?

Jupiter: No, sir. He's not answering my texts. 

Sun: How many have you sent?

Jupiter: In the last day, one every half an hour. 

Moon: I know how I'd feel, Jupiter. Why don't you give the poor man a day or so to answer you before you drown him in text messages?

Pluto: And it's another tarot book. Do we give a fuck?

Sun: I'm sitting in John's 9th house, Pluto. I'd say we care. But is there anything else that needs to be discussed before we adjourn?

Moon: It's a little early, sir. But we should start getting the August eclipses on the calendar nonetheless. They're going to be doozies. 

Sun: I concur, Lady Moon. Please prepare information sheets on them for the group for our next meeting. And I do have one other thing to bring up. [PAUSE] I've noticed that there are a lot of original outfits that people are wearing these days, but I'm going to ask you to consider how...appropriate they might be for meetings. We can be casual without being, well, inappropriate. [glances over at Mars]. I'll make sure the others are appropriately informed when they return. 

Pluto: I told you to stop wearing that stretchy body suit where people can see your dong, Mars. And now likely I'll have to stop wearing my Vault 111 and Vault-Tek gear to meetings because of you!

Mars: [to Pluto] Listen, asshole. You CAN NOT SEE MY DONG! [looks down] Well OK maybe you can! SHIT. FUCK. GODDAMMIT. 

Moon: [chuckles] I'll make sure the new policy goes to everyone, sir. Our folks on retrograde will get it in their emails when they get back to the office. 

Sun: Sounds good, Lady Moon. Thanks, everyone. We're adjourned. 

Mars: This is fucking discrimination!

Pluto: Good luck, Mars. I'll be laughing again when you lose this one, too. HAHAHAHA!