Mercury Retrograde and Shameless Marketing

Hello, everyone! Hope you're having a fantastic Mercury retrograde. Actually, I take that back...I hope you're surviving Mercury retrograde. This one has been a real bitch kitty for me and it's not over yet. 

I think the icing on the cake for me was the 12 fucking hour internet outage on Friday night and Saturday morning, thanks to my service provider. And in true Mercury form, the resolution did not come at the promised time, but four hours later. Good thing I didn't sit up waiting for it!

Anyway, I have some shameless marketing to do here, so let's get right to it because obviously, I can't count on Mercury to do it for me!

My astrology practice is evolving, folks. I've given up written reports in favor of 90-minute consultations for $100. These are done over your favorite video conferencing tool (Skype, Google, FaceTime, etc.). There's a lot of information in these consults, so I'm recording them and sending them to you once the session is over. That should help you focus on the reading instead of having to scribble tons of notes. 

Anyway, I'm interested in getting some more charts on my calendar, so please let me know if you're interested. To do a chart, I need your date, time and place of birth. If you're not sure on the time, check with your mom or your birth certificate. I can do a chart without a birth time, however; I'll try to narrow that time down for you.

Also, since I'm now recording charts, I'm going to extend that policy to phone and internet tarot readings as well. I record the reading on my end and send you a recording of it; I send a link to the MP3 when it's over. If you have a distance reading with me, and you'd like to take advantage of that service, it's $10 more, and that's the price no matter how long your reading is. It's optional, however. 

While I can't offer the recording service for readings at 13 Magickal Moons, you can record your own reading on your cell phone for no extra charge at the shop! Many have you have asked if you can, and my response is "Certainly!" provided it's for private use and isn't posted online anywhere.

Next, I've been asked for many years why I don't participate in local Pagan Pride events as a reader. I've never had a good answer, folks, so I decided that now is the time for me to step up. I'm happy to report that I'll be reading tarot at NoVA Pagan Pride on September 30, 2017, at George Mason University. I don't have a confirmed reservation yet, but I'll let you know once the paperwork has been processed. I look forward to seeing many of you there!

One other interesting tidbit: At Pagan Pride, I'll be offering astrology mini-readings for the first time. A mini-reading is a quick look at the essentials of your astrology chart in 20 minutes. All you do is walk up to the booth with your birth information and I take it from there. This is a great option if you don't have the time or money for a full chart reading but want a small taste of what's going on.

Finally, by popular demand, I'm offering the Intermediate and Advanced Tarot classes back to back this summer at 13 Magickal Moons on Friday nights, beginning on July 7! The classes will occur on most Friday nights through the end of September. All of you folks who said you were interested, now's the time; I need at least five students registered to run them, so don't miss out! Watch for the 13MM schedule to announce them, and then sign up. You've got a few months to get your calendars in order.

The intermediate course is an in-depth look at the major arcana, all four suits, and reading practice, especially toward the end. The advanced course is really a class that I gear toward whoever is in the room. In other words, if there's a topic in tarot you want me to teach, it's on the table--delivery, spreads, ethics, etc.

Anyway, I think that's it. 

Wait a minute...I guess not. I'm getting questions about the next installment of In Their Own Words, and I will say that the Wands book is in progress. If you want more information than that, maybe Jupiter will spill, but I won't. 

Thanks as always for your patronage and your attention. An early blessed Beltane to all, and I look forward to seeing you across my table soon. 

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Retrogrades Triple Play

Sun: Good morning, everyone! [looks around] We've got a few seats empty today. Lady Moon, who are we missing?

Pluto: Thankfully the Old Man's gone! [Mimics old person talking with New England accent] "Back in my day when we called it "making whoopee" and your grandmothah was givin' me a hummah..."

Moon: [blushes and chuckles] As Pluto has astutely pointed out, sir, Saturn is on his business trip.

Pluto: [continues, but now mimicking Saturn] "How dare you say such a thing in front of a lady, Pluto. [SIGH] We were seven planets once!"  HAHAHAHAHA! What a fucking asshole.

Sun:  [smirks] I'd like everyone in this room to know that I'm not condoning that sort of commentary about anyone, even if he is kind of an asshole. It's his claim to fame, and he does it well. Lady Moon, please write the following into the record: "Pluto's disparaging remarks about other members were condemned by the Sun and all present and were stricken from the record."

Moon: Sir, this is an official record of our proceedings. Are you sure you don't want to discuss this offline?

Sun: Dear Lady, please let the records reflect my earlier statement. Let's just consider what I said "alternative facts" since they seem to be so popular these days. Anyone who might dispute that assertion is out, so there it is. And speaking of absences, who else is out?

Moon: Venus has not yet returned to direct motion. And Mercury just left. 

Mars: Dude, people are PISSED about what's happening. Merc is really fucking some shit up!

Sun: I suspect you have something to share, Mars?

Mars: Yeah! Our favorite blogger has been struggling all week. First, he had people cancel on him for lunch four separate times. Honestly, it's just as well because he still needs to drop some weight! Merc was doing him a favor!

Sun: Just the facts, please, Mars, and no commentary on John's fitness level. 

Mars: Then his printer shit the wall, and after struggling with it all evening he had to buy a new one. And THEN his new printer didn't want to connect to the network until he FINALLY got it working. That's John's fault, though, for buying new computer stuff during Merc retro. Fat bastard ought to know better!

Sun: Wow. Sounds like standard Mercury retrograde stuff to me. [looks are Uranus] Urnie, did you have something?

Uranus: Yes, sir. One of John's FaceBook friends, Leslie, reported that she's having a lot of trouble getting through to people this week. I think her quote was, "It's as if all communications are GARBLED! I say one thing, people hear something else. I am trying to be careful to be clear and neutral." Sounds like that Scorpio lady knows what she's doing!

Neptune: It's really awful when people don't understand. Mercury is one of us, and he gets constantly dumped on. And all this negativity is sort of bringing me down.

Mars: No, that's just the Jaegermeister, Nep!

Neptune: Dude, I resent that remark. There's no way I'd drink that stuff...without proper shot glasses.

Jupiter: Amen to that, Nep. 

Sun: Jupiter, you're our publishing expert. Do we have an update on John's next book?

Jupiter: No, sir. He's not answering my texts. 

Sun: How many have you sent?

Jupiter: In the last day, one every half an hour. 

Moon: I know how I'd feel, Jupiter. Why don't you give the poor man a day or so to answer you before you drown him in text messages?

Pluto: And it's another tarot book. Do we give a fuck?

Sun: I'm sitting in John's 9th house, Pluto. I'd say we care. But is there anything else that needs to be discussed before we adjourn?

Moon: It's a little early, sir. But we should start getting the August eclipses on the calendar nonetheless. They're going to be doozies. 

Sun: I concur, Lady Moon. Please prepare information sheets on them for the group for our next meeting. And I do have one other thing to bring up. [PAUSE] I've noticed that there are a lot of original outfits that people are wearing these days, but I'm going to ask you to consider how...appropriate they might be for meetings. We can be casual without being, well, inappropriate. [glances over at Mars]. I'll make sure the others are appropriately informed when they return. 

Pluto: I told you to stop wearing that stretchy body suit where people can see your dong, Mars. And now likely I'll have to stop wearing my Vault 111 and Vault-Tek gear to meetings because of you!

Mars: [to Pluto] Listen, asshole. You CAN NOT SEE MY DONG! [looks down] Well OK maybe you can! SHIT. FUCK. GODDAMMIT. 

Moon: [chuckles] I'll make sure the new policy goes to everyone, sir. Our folks on retrograde will get it in their emails when they get back to the office. 

Sun: Sounds good, Lady Moon. Thanks, everyone. We're adjourned. 

Mars: This is fucking discrimination!

Pluto: Good luck, Mars. I'll be laughing again when you lose this one, too. HAHAHAHA!

YouTube Video from Stories of Lore!

Hello everyone! If you haven't seen it yet, here's a link to an interview I did on the Stories of Lore YouTube channel by Justin Sisk. He presents videos on occult and supernatural topics. 

Justin interviewed me about the tarot in general and tarot reading. It's a great primer for anyone who has never had a reading before or curious about how the tarot works. 

Thanks in advance for your time! Please take a look and share it wherever you like. :)

Update: Kenny Klein Convicted of Child Pornography Charges

Hello everyone...

Back in 2014, I wrote this blog about Kenny Klein, a Wiccan minister accused of child pornography. 

Please read the article, but here's the bottom line: Kenny Klein was found guilty of 20 counts of child pornography and could face an incredible amount of jail time. 

I am thrilled to see justice in this case, and I really hope he never sees the light of day again for what he's done.

There is no place in any spiritual path for a leader like this. Not now. Not ever. 

Mercurial Message Makes Mars Morbidly Mad

Mars: So what the fuck, Merc? Why did you want to see me? [gestures toward Neptune] And why'd you bring this pussy along?

Neptune: [gently] In many parts of the world, conversations among polite folks usually begin with "Hello," Mars. And in some cases, it continues with "Is it me you're looking for?" I LOVE that song!

Mercury: He's right, Mars. So hello!

Mars: Fine. Hell-the-fuck-lo. Now, what the fuck do you want? March Madness is on, and I'm a little busy! 

Mercury: This won't take too much of your time. If I had feelings, I'd be a little embarrassed.

Neptune: He would be, Mars. But he doesn't know how.

Mars: And how would you know, Mr. Hippy? Or is it Ms. Hippy this week?

Neptune: I'm cool with whatever. 

Mars: [To Mercury] You know for someone who is supposed to be specific and clear, Merc, you're fucking it up.

Mercury: I came to tell you about a young lady who's starting her own blog. 

Mars: Oh yeah? Someone I know? Because you know I don't read.  

Mercury: I'd say so. She rides with you most of the time. Lots of Mars intensity in a small package, someone you don't want to underestimate. Goes by the name of...[consults Erin Condren planner]...Ren? Do you know anyone by that name by chance?

Mars: Oh hell yeah! Why didn't you say so? Ren's my girl! We've had some good times. What's the problem?

Mercury: Well, she's starting her own blog, and we thought she might need a little...push. Some incentive!

Neptune: You know, perhaps some positive reinforcement that this is a good idea...

Mars: She's awesome! She was even packing heat last weekend! What do you need me to do?

Mercury: I'm going to be dropping in on her. Is there something inspiring you'd like to say?

Mars: America fuck yeah! She should SO do this. Then everyone can MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!

Mercury: How about a comprehensible message that doesn't involve copyright infringement?

Mars: FUCK! Here you go again, brainiac. Repeat in English for those of us who like things "on the real".

Mercury: [whispers] Nep, I told you this was a bad idea. 

Neptune: No, not at all! Just take his words and come up with something more...appropriate. 

Mercury: We went down that road a while back, and the Sun got sort of pissed at me for it. I'd rather not have that situation again. 

Neptune: No one else has to know, Merc. And if the Sun comes after you, blame me. I can just say I was drunk. 

Mercury: [shouts] AH HA! The "I was drunk" defense. That's brilliant! The Japanese have been using that one for YEARS!

Mars: I can't hear the game over you two motherfuckers! So decide what I need to say to her and get out!

Mercury: I think I've got it. "The blessings of Mars be upon you, Ren, as you embark on this wonderful new blogging adventure. I will gladly come visit your blog anytime, and bring many of my astrological planetary friends."

Neptune: That's beautiful. You think she'd let me come, too? 

Mercury: Dude, you have to come. She actually writes creative shit people will want to read, not this astrology crap that John does. She's an honest to goodness creative writer. I mean, John's stuff is informative, and yes it's nonfiction, kind of, but evaluated against others, I'd say his prose lacks a bit of...

Mars: Dickheads! There's the fucking door. John's one of mine, too. So unless you want to be speaking out of your assholes, I suggest you fuck right off. 

Mercury: A pleasant evening to you, Mars. We'll take our leave of you now. 

Neptune: Embrace your inner Goddess, Mars. 

Mars: Go fuck yourself, Nep! Same to you, Merc, whatever you just said. And don't take a damn thing from my house.