Sunday, August 18, 2013

Letter from Mars: Bad News for Saturn

Dear Saturn,

Dude, I was like, checking out John's astrological chart the other day and I've gotta tell you, I think you're in for a world of hurt.

I remember a while back when you went on a totally rad ego trip, claiming you were the main reason for John's success, and while I thought it was a little much, I backed you because, well, you are like pretty powerful for him. Then the Sun totally came down on you like a ton of bricks and I was like "GAME OVER DUDE!" But I gave you props for doing it, for standing up for what you believed was the truth. Everyone knew you were dead wrong, but it took real stones to say it anyway.

You and I have known each other for years, and I respect you, bro. But John's been learning some new stuff--which is actually OLD stuff, believe it or not--and I think you've got it all wrong, dude. He calculated the "Almuten" of his chart the other day--that's the one that controls the most "chart real estate"--and he got a surprise. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you, but the most powerful planet in his chart is...well, me!

It wasn't exactly clear to me how we figured this out, but John's had his nose in a book for much of the summer and he's learning more about classical astrology. You remember back before when the three noobs--Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto--came along? It was just the seven of us. Anyway, as you undoutedly remember, I was actually Scorpio's ruler before that dwarf Pluto came along, and I figure pretty prominently in his chart. So even though you're considered the modern "chart ruler", as the Almuten I've got you beat. Sorry, bro. I still think you're cool...even though you are an old man and I could so kick your ass in a race.

John's been spending a lot more time in my domain, at the gym! He's going four times a week now, and he can see muscles that were not much more than a myth. I mean, let's face it: John's always been a little flab-tacular--and if he was here, he'd be totally cool with me for saying it!--but he's looking good. He saw his abs for like the first time ever a month or so ago. How fucking cool is that! Testosterone is SO COOL!

You're the king of self-control, right, man? Well you need to do some more work with those guys at the gym. The locker room may be my domain, but I could use your help in getting some other guys there to shut the fuck up. So here's the scoop: We got a guy who is in the only bathroom stall in the locker room, right? His buddy walks toward the stall and asks, "Are you shitting?" Now dude, all I can say is that when I'm in there doin' my private business I don't want some other asshole asking me what I'm up to. Then he starts talking about the guy's bathroom habits in front of everyone! WTF is that? This other time, John was getting changed and he heard these dudes talking about this lady at their work. They were saying she's always eating and has food around all the time. One of them had to say, "Did you see her desk? It's like foreign aid!" I mean, dude, WOW. That was totally uncool. I wish I had been there to kick some ass.

Anyway, sorry to bring you down about the whole Almuten thing. You're still all right in my book, bro. You like sitting around too much; you should have John take you to one of his spinning classes and it will kick your sorry ass.

Just do it,