Monday, November 30, 2015

Calling Saturn: Acceptance of the "Concrete Shoes"

[Rotary dial phone rings. "Wall Street Week" is on TV in the background.]

Saturn: Hello?

John: Hi Saturn, it's John here. You just opposed by natal Saturn position at 5 Gemini. You rule my chart. I'm the blogger. Is this a good time for you?

Saturn: [Pauses] Of course, of course! This is quite the surprise. It's really you?

John: No, it's Jupiter. Of course it's me, Old Man. How are you doing?

Saturn: I'm fine. I'm just surprised to hear from you, that's all. I wasn't sure we were speaking at the moment. 

John: Well, I can't really text you on that communication device we called a phone during the Truman administration, so I figured a call would have to do. 

Saturn: That's not what I meant. 

John: I know what you meant, Saturn. And I definitely go through periods when I don't want to talk to you at all. This past year, I haven't wanted to most of the time. Some days I want to deny you exist. 

Saturn: OK. How is that strategy that working out for you?

John: Badly, actually. But thanks for asking. 

Saturn: Seems like the least I could do, even if I already knew the answer. [Pause] So while I'm more patient than most of the other planets, I'd like to know the reason for your call.

John: Well, I'm calling to let you know that I accept you.

Saturn: Excuse me?

John: I accept you in my chart and in my life. I'm not just tolerating you; I accept you. I can't change my birth chart, but I can change my life and use your influence to my advantage. I need to learn to be comfortable in the "concrete shoes" you provide me.

Saturn: I HATE that expression, but at least you know you'll be well grounded in reality. You really hate disorganized, flighty people. So do I. See? We've got a lot in common already. 

John: I said I accept you, Saturn, no more and no less. That doesn't mean I like you very much. I'll have to get around to that. 

Saturn: Fair enough. Frankly, I don't like YOU very much some days, especially when you demonize me. I have enough people who want to make me out to be the bad guy, and you, young man, are a champion at it.

John: We all have our talents, Old Man. And I'm sorry you feel that way. Despite the fact that you're not a fan of creativity, the genesis of this entire blog comes from you. So while you do have a tendency to take more credit than you deserve for my life some days, you can take credit for this blog.

Saturn: I still think it should come out on a schedule. But I grudgingly give you credit for persistence. Four years is a long time to be blogging. Your astrological analysis still needs a lot of work, if we're being honest. But once again, you persist in your studies and maybe someday there will be a payoff it in for you if you work hard.

John: I expect nothing less than your total candor, Old Man. I know being positive just isn't really in your makeup. But now that you've passed over 5 Gemini, perhaps I can be more open to your influence in my life. I think I can go that far.

Saturn: Well, young man, I'm not going anywhere, so take your time. You'll come around...eventually. You're at least smart enough to study astrology; most people don't have the drive these days. They're more interested in seeing a long string of people's idiotic life stories told in pieces.

John: Yeah, I just can't see you doing the social media thing. But that's's not for everyone. 

Saturn: See? You're learning to accept me already.

John: Let's not get carried away, Old Man. I'm working on it.

Saturn: Good to know. [Pause] Well, I'm glad we could have this chat. If there's nothing else...

John: No, I think that's it for now. Hey, is that "Wall Street Week" I hear in the background?

Saturn: Of course it is. Time to see how badly the tech stocks tanked today. People should just know better.

John: Good night, Old Man. Sleep well.

Saturn: You too. And remember to keep Saturn in Saturnalia!

Monday, November 23, 2015

Random Meanderings from Jupiter and Saturn

Jupiter: PARTY PEOPLE! Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP for my Archers? It's that time of year again baby! Everything is awesome!

Saturn: Hello everyone. For those of you who missed our intro, you actually haven't, since my counterpart decided not to give our scheduled preamble. 

Jupiter: Oh come on, Old Man! Can't you live a little? Oh wait...what am I saying? Of course you can't! I was getting around to the intro though...

Saturn: [clears throat] John realizes that he has a responsibility to all of you and as such has decided to produce another blog. It's about time, if you ask me. He's been derelict in his duty to all of you. At least that's what I think.

Jupiter: What my very serious and sober colleague--and for those of you playing at home, we mean that literally and figuratively--is trying yet failing to say is that John's been out of the loop for a while and wanted to check back in. There's been a lot going on. 

Saturn: Indeed there has. John has once again taken on the responsibility of National Novel Writing Month, and similar to last year, his performance is lacking. He will not be finishing, as usual. But that would at least give you a partial explanation for his absence. Just a huge waste of time, if you ask me, and yet John stubbornly persists. I do give him credit for determination, though. If only he could take the effort he has given to Fallout 4 and direct it toward more worthy endeavors.

Jupiter: Well, while Negative Ned over here can focus on John's "deferred success" in Nanowrimo, let's talk about John's studies at the Midwest School of Astrology. He's learning a ton and really enjoying his teachers and his classmates. They realized he's not as serious as his astrological chart has made him out to be.

Saturn: Excellent that you brought up the school, Jupiter. John's learned a lot more about me, and the school believes that no planets are bad. Clearly that's a message he needs to hear repeatedly.

Jupiter: Look, Old Man, how can you blame the guy? You just opposed his natal Saturn position. He struggled with it most of the year. You should know better than anyone that time heals many things. 

Saturn: Well said, Jupiter. One point for you. Don't get used to it, though. John also continued his pursuit of his career goals and personal business by attending SOTA in Buffalo, New York, last month. Once again, the presenters really helped me put my best foot forward. But don't think I didn't hear about the moans and groans from certain audience members when I was mentioned. [shakes head sadly] Even in a room full of astrologers, some folks never learn.

Jupiter: And John learned a ton about a number of other topics as well. His presentation went well, and he hopes to have done well enough to be asked back again next year. Now, on to more current matters...

Saturn: Uh, Jupiter, we covered everything John asked us to discuss.

Jupiter: Well, not exactly. Your briefing book for this blog was missing a section that mine has, I suspect. 

Saturn: Was that an oversight?

Jupiter: I'm sure that it was. [smiles]

Saturn: [pause] Go on. 

Jupiter: John's asked me to discuss how to purchase astrological charts for the holidays! You know you want to!

Saturn: Wait just one minute! It was my understanding there would be no marketing in this piece!

Jupiter: Sorry, dude, You should know the drill by now.

Saturn: I understand the desire for business growth and development but if a business has a great reputation then it shouldn't need to advertise, right?

Jupiter: Au contraire, mon frere. It's always good to let people know what you're doing. 

Saturn: [SIGH] That oversight was likely a deliberate attempt to fool me into doing this blog. Just get on with it.

Jupiter: Jolly good! Natal charts and solar returns make great gifts for the holiday season. If you want one or both, let John know. He needs the date, place, and time of your birth to get an accurate chart, so don't leave any out. And get him all that information by December 1 to give him enough time for holiday gift giving. There you go, Saturn. Painless, right? [ruffles Saturn's hair]

Saturn: [glowering] I don't see the point of repeating my earlier statement, Jupiter. [fixes hair]

Jupiter: Well, I to recap...holy shit! Is that that time? I've gotta get out of a party to go to! I'm sure you can finish up here, right? [Jupiter leaves]

Saturn: I don't really think I have a choice, now, do I? [Looks in the direction that Jupiter left and shakes his head]  As you may have noticed, things in the world have become rather turbulent in the last half of 2015, and it's important to take stock of the incredible amount we have in our lives. So in between parties and presents, please take the opportunity to treasure those you hold dear. Also, Small Business Saturday is November 28, so please take the opportunity to help them grow through your patronage. Finally, may the blessings of the holiday season be upon you.