Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Mercury Hits Pay Dirt: John's New Book Cover Revealed!

[Mercury runs up to Jupiter's front door]

Mercury:  Jupiter! Are you home?

Jupiter: Mercury! What are you doing here?

Mercury: Remember you asked me to find out about John's book?

Jupiter: What? That makes no sense! Merc, you told me there wasn't any said he had a bunch of them half done. And shouldn't you be out of breath?

Mercury: When I'm going forward I'm pretty damn fast anyway, Jove. Can I come in?

Jupiter: Sure. [holds door for Mercury]

Mercury: Thanks! [Door closes] You told me to go look at John's Erin Condren planner, and I snuck a peek the one day while he was at work. I didn't find anything there, so that was a bust.

Jupiter: [confused look] So? I question the necessity of you running all the way here just to tell me THAT, Merc. I just picked up South Park and Philosophy. So far it's pretty good...and now you're keeping me from it. So if there's nothing else...?

Mercury: Jupiter, do you really think I would come all the way down here just to tell you that? I'd have texted you.

Jupiter: Good point, fact face. So speaking of points, you do have one, right?

Mercury: My point was to tell you that if you could stop the witty repartee for a few minutes and LISTEN to me, there IS a book and I have the proof. 

Jupiter: [mouth drops open] Excuse me?

Mercury: I wasn't going to put this in an email or text message. Ready to believe me now?

Jupiter: [stares at pictures] HOLY. SHIT. In Their Own Words: The Major Arcana of the Tarot. THAT SCORPIO SONOFABITCH! He never said a WORD to me!

Mercury: Me either! But now we know. John needs to stop leaving his screen unlocked. And no, I don't have any other information right now. No release date, but it's likely soon. No excerpt. Nothing. But I thought you should know.

Jupiter: Merc, I owe you BIG TIME for this one. Everyone's going to hear about this fucking book!

Mercury: You can take it from here, Mr. Expansive. Have a wonderful day!

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Musings from the Moon...and Jupiter!

Moon: Hello everyone...Lady Moon here! Looks like I'll get the opportunity to start off this blog tonight. [Opens Erin Condren planner] So it's been a few weeks since John's been on, and I figured I'd take the opportunity to come aboard and give my two cents. Normally I don't do these sorts of things without a full meeting...too public and all...but I guess I can every once in a while. 

Jupiter: I'm an old hand at this, Lady Moon! Just follow my lead and you'll do just fine. 

Moon: Thanks for the enthusiasm and support, Jove. So let's get down to business. Our esteemed blogger has survived his time without his beloved. She returned and everything is right in his world. Well, mostly, anyway.

Jupiter: Dude, the guy just needs to let loose and have some fun. Saturn has got him by the fucking balls, and I...

Moon: Jupiter, PLEASE. We're not taking the opportunity to disparage other planets.

Jupiter: I'm not disparaging anyone, Lady. It's just who that stubborn bastard IS. And he is John's ruling planet, after all. It's such a shame he wasn't born just a few hours would have been ME.

Moon: Well, Jupiter, he wasn't. John has to live with his chart the way it is, and he's been doing that for quite some time. He often writes in his astrology class #ilovemychart for that reason. I mean...Saturn rules John's Moon position, so he's been dealing with that for a while and learning how to work with me better all the time.

Jupiter: Saturn is still a huge dick, even though his own isn't really...

Moon: [SIGH] Jupiter, do I need to do this on my own? Or can you behave yourself?

Jupiter: No, ma'am. I'll try to conduct myself in a matter more befitting my station. Or some shit like that.

Moon: Indeed you will. [PAUSE] Anyway, my point in all this is that our favorite blogger's been a little off lately. He's been struggling a little with me and I'm guessing it's because he's been working too much.

Jupiter: And which planet's fault would that be?

Moon: JOVE! What did I ask you to do?

Jupiter: It was SATURN the prick's fault!  He's always behind that shit. 

Moon: Jupiter, it's time for you to go. 

Jupiter: But, Lady Moon!

Moon: That's your third strike, young man. OUT!

[Jupiter leaves]

Moon: [sadly shakes head] Anyway, our intrepid blogger has been struggling a little lately and I suspect it's because he's been working too much. I believe he's referred to it as burnout. So he is officially on vacation as of tonight. The next time he'll be reading is October 8 at the shop, although he'll be teaching before that. I know he's particularly excited for a new set of tarot students. [Flips through Erin Condren planner]. Oh damn, now I have to do Jupiter's part as well. That's just the part that he never seems to get to about readings and charts being awesome and amazing and a fantastic gift as well as an important part of John's tarot business. 

[Jupiter opens the door]

Jupiter: Lady Moon, can I PLEASE come back in and finish?

Moon: [Glares at Jupiter] Fine. You may. But no more funny business, Mister!

Jupiter: Yes, ma'am. Our blogger is going on vacation to the west coast where he will perform that most solemn of Jupiter duties, a marriage ceremony for two dear friends. And since he's only been to this place once, I'm considering it one of my trips.

Moon: He desperately needs a vacation, Jupiter, so I hope it's different and exotic. 

Jupiter: It sure will be. I've also encouraged Neptune to help John enjoy the vacation with some tiki libations! That man deserves to party.

Moon: Well, I certainly hope he'll have the opportunity to do so.

Jupiter: Me too! He gets more like Saturn when he doesn't have fun. 


Jupiter: Sorry, ma'am...but he does!

Moon: Well, just for that I'm not telling you about John's progress on one of his books. 

Jupiter: Wait...what?

Moon: Sorry, Jupiter. That's all we have time for.

Jupiter: I never realized you could be so cruel, Lady Moon!

Moon: Emotions can get that way sometimes, young man. Perhaps you'll learn your lesson eventually.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Random Meanderings

Greetings dear reader! I hope your summer has been enjoyable and fun. Since none of the astrological planets decided to help me out tonight, it looks like I'm on my own. So I decided I'd catch you all up with some randomness.

1) Glass cleaner from the Dollar Store--So this is a mistake that I won't make again. I tried using it today, and while it cleans just fine, it stinks of vinegar and aged roadkill. Now I know that glass cleaner isn't supposed to smell like making chocolate chip cookies, but I shouldn't want to toss my cookies when I'm just cleaning my mirror.

2) Political posts-- I've just about had it with anything political. Honestly, I'm fed up. I can't stand all of the noise. So I'm not going to add to it by giving you my opinions, which are totally irrelevant. Before I leave the topic, though, all I'll say is this: One of the greatest freedoms we have is the freedom to determine our leaders. Who you vote for is up to you, but you need to go out and vote. And please be respectful online when commenting on posts you may see. Thanks in advance! Can't wait until it's all over. You may now return to your polarized views. 

3) Back to School--The bell rings tonight for me as I head back to school at the Midwest School of Astrology for the beginning of year 2. On tap: More predictive astrology techniques! I'm pleased about that...I learned a ton last year, but I want to be able to see more into the future. Knowing the natal chart is vital, and it's probably the most basic thing we do as astrologers, but knowing how to help people who come to us at different points of their lives is where the rubber meets the road. It's an area where we can do a lot of good. I'm also road tripping to Cincinnati to see Jacqueline Janes in early November. 

4) SOTA--I'm speaking once more at the State of the Art (SOTA) conference in Buffalo, NY, from November 10-12. My topic is going to be practical tips for reading tarot for others, and I'm looking forward to it. 

5) Let's see who really reads this blog--HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I couldn't resist. I hate those Facebook posts. You can virtually guarantee that I will scroll past any post that starts that way. 

6) Gaming--So I'm looking forward to the release of Civilization VI, on October 21, for PC. We are a Mac family, and I'm glad that a Mac version is coming out "shortly" after that date. I can almost guarantee that my life will be consumed for a while once that occurs. Currently, I'm learning a Steam game called Factorio, which has all the complexity that I like combined with the challenge of learning to use the tools effectively. If you like complicated resource-driven games, this would be one for you. 

Thanks as always for tuning in. I look forward to seeing you again soon. 

Friday, September 9, 2016

Moon Conjunct Saturn

[The Moon sits in the Sun's office behind his desk]

Moon: Have a seat, Old Man.

Saturn: Thank you, Lady. [sits] So I'm curious why you wanted this ex parte meeting.

Moon: Well, some news reached me, and I wanted to confirm it with you before sharing it with the larger group.

Saturn: Yes, ma'am. And that would be...?

Moon: [Pause] I heard our intrepid blogger finally got his promotion at work. Did you know about this?

Saturn: Of course. But I couldn't say anything until it was official...officially. And now it is.

Moon: Did you see his social media post about it? He mentioned you specifically with #saturnpays.

Saturn: I saw that, and I was especially gratified by it, even though he did insult me in the same breath. But he's worked very hard for a very long time for that honor, and he deserves it. I'm very proud of him.

Moon: Wow. He must have earned it if you say he did, Old Man.

Saturn: You say true, and I say thank you, Lady Moon. I was a little hurt by being called a stodgy...well, you saw what he called me.

Moon: Yes, and you made that poor bastard work for nearly nine years before giving in, so I'd say you earned that insult as much as he earned his promotion. But how long of a reprieve will you get before he starts antagonizing you again, do you think?

Saturn: Not sure. Sooner rather than later. If he held off until Saturnalia, I'd be content; his original statement was 90 days of ceasefire if he got it. So hopefully he'll hold to that.

Moon: You rule him after all, so I'm pretty confident he will respect his part of the deal. [Rises] Anyway, I know you're busy, so I won't keep you. I'll let the Sun know what's up.

Saturn: Yes, Lady Moon. His absence at our meeting was...irregular.

Moon: Between you and I, Saturn, I told him to take a day off, and he did it. I don't know where he is, and I don't care. I just hope he's in a better mood when he comes back. Since we don't get retrograde periods, sometimes we need some R & R.

Saturn: [rises] Thank you, Lady.

Moon: Thanks, Old Man. Have as good a day as you can considering your many obligations.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Moon Opposing Pluto?

Moon: Good evening, everyone! Our fearless leader asked me to fill in for him today.

Mars: Wait...we have to show up and HE doesn't? What bullshit is this? This is college football's opening weekend!

[Moon and Venus look directly at Mars]

Mars: Shit, I fucked up again. Goddamit! [folds arms and takes on soothing, forced tone] Please continue, Lady Moon.

Moon: Thank you, Mars. As I was saying, he's working on something else so he can't attend this meeting.

Saturn: Might we inquire on the reason for his absence?

Moon: I just told you, Saturn, but unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to provide more details at this time.

Saturn: [mutters] Figures. Hope it's important.

Moon: First on our agenda tonight: As you can see from his lack of presence, Mercury is retrograde.

Mars: Wait...again? I thought he WAS just retrograde!

Moon: Three times a year, Mars. You know the drill.

Mars: I don't know HOW he gets anything done!

Venus: He moves a lot faster than we do, Mars.

Moon: Uranus, what's the story on social media?

Uranus: Lots of folks are talking about Mercury, ma'am, but the eclipse was also getting some good play. It seems people are checking out how the eclipses affect their personal lives.

Moon: That's excellent! And what is their overall feeling?

Uranus: Pissed off at Mercury, as usual. The mere utterance of the phrase "Mercury retrograde" seems to engender fear in the hearts of people as well. I've never seen another planet with the impact of Mercury...except maybe Pluto.

Pluto: Yeah, the whole "size" thing. If they asked me nicely, I'd be happy to show them how big I truly am! [Stands up and reaches for zipper]

Moon: As much as everyone would love to see your, umm, real size, Pluto, no one has ever questioned your large impact in the astrological world. Please sit down.

[Pluto smiles and sits back down]

Uranus: [To Pluto] And how many people can say they had a beloved cartoon figure named after them? Most people still pronounce my name "your anus" instead of "YER-AH-NUSS" and it's totally embarrassing.

Pluto: Oh, come the fuck on! That's not saying a lot, Urnie. Do you know that there isn't much Pluto stuff you can buy, even if you go there in person? But you go ahead put a mouse on every fucking piece of clothing imaginable, and that shit sells? I don't get it! Man's best friend, my fucking ass!

Mars: I think that's the longest set of sentences I've ever heard you say, Pluto. Awesome intensity, dude!

Pluto: Well it certainly couldn't have come out of your mouth, Cro-Magnon Mars!

Mars: [raises hands] Dude, do not get me started! It's not going to be me starting shit today.

Pluto: It is every other fucking day!

Moon: Enough, you two. Pluto, you are excused!

Pluto:'re chucking me out?

Moon: We'll see you at our next meeting, Pluto, but you're acting belligerent.

Pluto: [points at Mars] I fucking bet if I were a personal planet, I'd get to stay, right? But I'm an outer planet, so I have to go! BULLSHIT!

Moon: That has nothing to do with it, Pluto. And don't try playing the "outer planet" card with me. I'm within my authority to ask you to leave. SO GET OUT!

[Pluto stalks to the door, opens it, and slams it with all his might. The room shakes.]

Neptune: So hard to find our Zen as a group these days. Maybe we should start each meeting with a positive affirmation or something.

Moon: That's an excellent idea, Neptune. I'll put it on my list of topics for the Sun. Uranus, was there any indication of when Mercury would be returning?

Uranus: [Opens Erin Condren planner] End of September, ma'am. That's when he should be back up to full speed.

Moon: And not a moment too soon. Thank you, Uranus. Venus? How is John doing?

Venus: Our intrepid blogger is holding his own, ma'am. Many people are asking after his well-being with his beloved gone for another week and a half or so. Hopefully, he'll get some R & R this weekend, as he's kind of looking a little rough. And his beloved is doing an excellent job helping her parents. Luckily, he did get a few days with her earlier this week down there. His former mentee had to postpone their time together due to illness...she's Taurus sun, even though she's Gemini rising, so with Merc unreliable at the moment I'll keep an eye on her. I think that's everything, ma'am.

Moon: Thanks, Venus. I found out about his trip to Florida after the fact. He'd already returned. Mercury neglected to tell any of us.

Saturn: No surprises there!

Moon: Be fair, Old Man. Normally he's excellent at giving us the information. And you've got to let the guy have a few secrets.

Uranus: John had to go radio silent on social media for a few days to not give away the surprise, but just showing up had me written all over it. 
Totally a tactic from my book. I loved it! 

Moon: Excellent, Uranus. Thank you! I think that about covers it for today. Any alibis? [Pause] Then we're adjourned. [To Saturn] There's a matter I need to discuss with you in private in the Sun's office, Saturn, if you have a moment...

Saturn: For you, dear lady, anything.