Saturday, August 20, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds, Special Session: Now Departing...

Sun: Wow. It looks like we're short a few people, Lady Moon. Attendance check, please?

Moon: [opens Erin Condren planner] I only have one absence noted, sir: Pluto. He sent a response to the meeting request with a stick figure making a rude gesture. I'm intuiting that as a no, sir, but I did not receive a direct reply to the question.

Saturn: That's incredibly rude! I think sanctions are in order, first for missing a meeting, and second for his lack of respect. 

Sun: I made it clear that this meeting was optional, Saturn, so I can't fault him when it's outside of our regularly scheduled meetings. 

Saturn: This place is going soft! Back when it was just the seven of us, before the dark times...

Sun: [SIGH] Not that again, Saturn. [To Moon] Your instincts are right on, I'm sure, Luna. So no Pluto. Neptune is retrograde too, right? So is he coming? 

Moon: You shouldn't even bother asking. Neptune barely turns his phone on, much less reply to emails. So, unfortunately, I have no idea. And I don't know about Uranus, either. 

Sun: Hmmm. That's interesting. Saturn is here. But no Mars? That's a little distressing. Venus? Any thoughts on his whereabouts?

Venus: The Olympics are finishing up, sir. I'm figuring he's in front of his TV doing squats in a stretchy leotard or something like that. His joy over watching the world's best compete is...well, practically orgasmic for him.

Sun: Yes, well...I can imagine. Hopefully, he'll be able to join us later on.

Mercury: So can we get started, sir? I'm hoping to level up today. Isn't that right, Lady Moon?

[The Moon blushes]

Sun: I don't think this meeting will take long, Mercury, and then you and Luna can go chasing after your imaginary monsters again. 

Moon: Our agenda is a short one, Merc...I tried to make it that way so we could get back out there. [smiles]

Sun: This Pokemon craze is now affecting our business practices, Luna? 

Moon: Maybe a little. [smiles at Merc]

Sun: [shakes head] We'll have to discuss this another time, Luna. But you're the one who suggested this meaning, so why don't you start us off?

Moon: Yes, sir. It seems our intrepid blogger will be challenged over the next few weeks. His beloved wife will be heading to her parents' home to help her mom and dad. What a fantastic girl she is to do that! Saturn has the rest of the details, I believe.

Saturn: Certainly, Lady Moon. It appears that John's mother in law is having her knee replaced. I know only too well what that is like; that's one of my parts of the body, after all. It's a very common procedure, but it will require lots of rehabilitation afterward. She'll have to take a page out of my book: Slow and steady, and work within the boundaries set by her medical professionals.

Mercury: As a former nurse herself, Jen's mom knows the drill. Speaking personally, I'd have done what John did and pulled up a YouTube video to see it.

Moon: [shudders] The video is NOT for the faint of heart.

Saturn: I agree, Lady Moon. The knee is a vital part of the human anatomy, but some folks would rather not know, and I can understand that. 

Mercury: Who wouldn't want to know? That sounds ridiculous! Let's all take a look!

Sun: You can do that on your own, Mercury. And when it's your knee they're replacing, you can decide for yourself how cool it is. But you really can find everything on YouTube these days.

[Door bangs open. Mars runs in]

Mars: [chanting] U-S-A! U-S-A!

Sun: Mars, we're supposed to be neutral, remember?

Mars: Sorry, boss. The USA is kicking ass and taking names! [sits down]

Mercury: Except of course for the scandals and the disqualification...

Mars: Don't go there, crotch rot!

Sun: [Raises hand] Merc, let's not get into that now. So where were we?

Saturn: Jen will be away for a while, which will leave our intrepid blogger by himself.

Mars: That's right. His mother in law is getting sliced up! GO ME!

Venus: Sensitivity is not your strong suit, Mars.

Mars: Bitch, please! That's not what you motherfuckers pay me for!

[Everyone but Mars looks at Venus]

Venus: Please continue, everyone. That's just the testosterone talking. Clearly, he's writing checks his body can't cash.[Pause] Jupiter and I have been talking with Lady Moon, and we're sure that the surgery will go fine. But we are concerned that our blogger friend may not do so well.

Saturn: What do you mean by that?

Moon: Well, Saturn, we're wondering how he'll do emotionally. 

Saturn: [waves hand] He will suck it up and soldier on, like he always does. He'll probably pour himself into his work...

Moon: And wait until the emotion goes away?

Saturn: Yes. So I'm not sure why this is even a problem we're discussing.

Venus: John doesn't do so well when his wife is away. She's vital to him. He likens it to a car that has three wheels. That's why he tries to keep busy, try not to focus on it.

Saturn: Well I admire his desire for productivity!

Jupiter: We also noticed an aggravating factor for him, sir. We almost missed it. 

Sun: And what factor is it?

Jupiter: He's losing a work colleague who is very special to him as well, someone he's been mentoring for 18 months. She's leaving the office for good. Luckily, she'll be local for the foreseeable future...

Venus: She called herself his "work wife," sir. They had lunch together most days and spent a lot of time working on team projects at the office. And both of these events are occurring at the same time. So there's that. 

Sun: Hmmm, that is complicated. [Pauses] Is there an action plan in place?

Moon: Not per se, sir.

Jupiter: I know John will be catching up on charts and doing some tarot reading and teaching. That should help. 

Venus: He'll video conference with Jen often. And he'll keep in touch with his colleague as well. He could use some more relaxation to round out the picture, but with John, that's always a challenge.

Moon: Saturn, you rule John's Moon sign. We're going to need you to ease up a bit to help him out. That Cappie Moon's Hoover Dam needs to be able to let out that emotion.

Saturn: I'm not that flexible, Lady, and you know that you and I don't work particularly well together. And I resent being told what to do or how to be. 

Moon: [SIGH] Of course. I understand. Whatever you can do, Old Man.

Mars: He needs to keep going to the gym! That will keep him feeling good! 

Sun: That's true, Mars. 

Mars: Then he'll be too damn tired to feel anything!

Sun: Mercury?

Mercury: He's got a new video game or three to play as well. The time will fly then.

Sun: I guess that's the best we can do for now. Any alibis? [Pause] I'm going to suggest that Mercury, Mars, and Saturn meet after this meeting to discuss Jen's mom's surgery. Luna, you, Venus, and Jupiter can see to an action plan for John's well-being. You can do that at the Moon's cubicle. I don't have any assignments for Uranus, who decided not to come, I figure. Luna, please type up any notes from this meeting as well as from your meeting; I'll need them tomorrow.

Moon: Yes, sir. 

Sun: You have your assignments, folks. Thanks for your participation. We're adjourned. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Shameless Marketing with Mercury and Jupiter!

Mercury: Hello everyone...Mercury here with the information you need to hear about John's upcoming tarot schedule!

Jupiter: And Jupiter here to do John's dirty work of shamelessly marketing his business services! He's too busy playing Offworld Trading Company to pander to all of you.

Mercury: [Coughs] My colleague's comments notwithstanding, many of you have been asking about John's tarot dates for the next month or so. Well, he's finally given them to me...I've been trying for a month, folks. He ignores my text messages sometimes; I'm not really sure why. But at least he finally gave me what I asked for and then some!

Jupiter: Maybe he ignores you because you never shut up, Merc. 

Mercury: Whoever got anything done by staying quiet, Jupiter. Seriously! And you're the planet that rules publishing? Imagine!

Jupiter: There's a difference, Merc. You present the facts, while I present informed opinions.

Mercury: Call it what it is, you hypocrite. It's propaganda!

Jupiter: That's it? With your extensive vocabulary, you should be able to do better than that! And it's not propaganda if it advances your agenda. 

Mercury: Ummm...isn't that the very definition of the word?

Jupiter: I've never been a student of Funky and Wagner, so cut me some slack, Mr. Facts and Figures. 

Mercury: [glares] It's FUNK and WAGNALL, you cretin! Paging Mr. Jupiter...Mr. Jupiter! Please put down the Schopenhauer and Nietzsche and back AWAY from the philosophy section! [Pauses] At any rate, here are the dates when John will be reading at 13 Magickal Moons for the foreseeable future...see? Look what I did! There's a little psychic humor for you!

Wednesday, August 24, 6-9pm

Saturday, August 27, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, August 31, 6-9pm

Saturday, September 3, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, September 7, 6-9pm

Saturday, September 10, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, September 17, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, September 21, 6-9pm (Open Mabon Ritual!

Saturday, October 8, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, October 22, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, October 29, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, November 2, 6-9pm (Open Samhain Ritual!)

Saturday, November 19, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, November 30, 6-9pm

Saturday, December 3, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, December 10, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, December 21, 6-9pm (Open Yule Ritual!)

Jupiter: That's really awesome, Merc. Thanks for that. [Pauses] What I don't see on here is John's book writing schedule.

Mercury: Well, you would be correct this time, Jupiter. John doesn't have a book writing schedule. He doesn't have a book, either. By my count he's got four in various states of completion, but none of them are actually done. He's nowhere near publishing a book!

Jupiter: Well, when is that asshole going to get around to publishing one? I mean COME THE FUCK ON. How long does he expect us to wait around?

Mercury: I told you that he ignores me. The fact of the matter is that he barely answers my many missives. But this is probably not the time or place...

Jupiter: BULLSHIT! This is the perfect time and place. He needs to get his ass in gear. 

Mercury: I can't disagree with the facts there, but as far as the "when" we're not privy to that information.

Jupiter: Well dude, what have you been doing? I mean other than going retrograde every ten minutes! Aren't you Mr. Information Gathering? Can't you take photos of his Erin Condren planner or something? And by that I mean BEFORE you go retrograde again at the end of this month?

Mercury: I could, but wouldn't you have an ethical problem with that?

Jupiter: I'll agree it's unethical. But if the end justifies the means...

Mercury: So you want me to steal information from John to find out when he's going to publish a book? Even if there is no book coming?

Jupiter: Yes. That's about right. Pure information gathering. I wouldn't even think of it as "theft". Information should be free to all. 

Mercury: Hmmm. Information does belong to everyone...

Jupiter: Of course! That's an excellent rationalization for unethical activity! I've used that one before.

Mercury: I'll think about it. He sort of deserves it for making fun of Geminis all the time.

Jupiter: That's a fantastic supporting need: Revenge! I love it. It's a time-honored classic. Go with it! Sally forth!

Mercury: But wait a second. I almost forgot...aren't you supposed to be telling people to have John do astrology charts and tarot parties for them? "They make great gifts for Halloween, Christmas, and any other holiday you can think of?" Something along those lines?

Jupiter: Absolutely! But we can do that next time. The fat bastard won't even realize we didn't. He doesn't read this crap.

Mercury: That's what John asked us to do this time!

Jupiter: I've conveniently forgotten what he told us to say, actually. And you?

Mercury: [Smiles] Temporary information retrieval difficulty. I like that!

Jupiter: I think we're finally speaking the same language, fact-face.  

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Saturn Return

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Glad we can be together again!

Pluto: [to himself] That makes one of us.

Sun: First off, I'd like to welcome back Saturn to our midst!

Mars: [singing] Guess who's back/Back again/Saturn's back/No one cares! HAHAHA!

Venus: Mars, come on. You're better than that. Well, I'd like to believe you are, anyway.

Neptune: And forgive me for saying this, Mars, but "no one cares" doesn't rhyme with "back again" and I think that's how Eminem intended it.

Mercury: Totally agree, Neptune. You're right!

Sun: [SIGH] Saturn, I am glad to have you back.

Saturn: Thank you, sir, for forcing yourself to say that. While happiness isn't in my makeup, I'll go with "contentment to return to the boundaries of my planetary obligations".

Pluto: Oh, what the fuck ever! I guess you didn't lose the stick up your ass on your retrograde trip, Old Man.

Saturn: I don't cast aspersions on your size or demeanor, Pluto, and I barely tolerate your presence. To be fair, you wouldn't be here if I didn't act as the bridge between the worlds.

Pluto: This is me not repeating my "What the fuck ever!" response. Oh, wait...

Sun: Gentlemen, please. We have a lot to cover today. Lady Moon, what's on our agenda?

Moon: Well, the first thing I have on my list is "Not allowing this meeting to get out of control."

Sun: [low voice] I think you may be looking at the wrong list, Luna...

Moon: Wait a minute! [shuffles papers, and opens up her Erin Condren planner and grabs another sheet of paper] Here it is! Forget what I just said.

Mars: Yeah, we all know that's not going to happen.

Venus: You're currently part of the reason for the lack of control. Don't act like a brute and it might go smoothly, Mars. Remember what we discussed.

Mars: [crosses arms] FINE. Go ahead.

Saturn: Thank you, Mars.

Mars: [to Saturn] I wasn't talking to you, you walking ad for Prozac and knee replacements! [To Moon] Apologies, ma'am. Go ahead.

Moon: Thank you, Mars. Our first agenda item is a report from Saturn.

Pluto: I hope it's an abbreviated report. "The world is fucked. Thank you! Try the veal! Tip your servers well. "

Mars: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's fuckin' awesome! [PAUSE] No one else thought that was HILARIOUS? [PAUSE] OK. Shutting up now.

Saturn: [glaring at Pluto and Mars in turn] I'll try to keep my remarks limited to what would be of general interest to the group so as not to bore anyone.

Mars: Too late! Already more boooooooooring than crotch rot!

Saturn: Sir, would you prefer to meet privately?

Sun: No, Saturn. We, and when I say "we" I mean "at least me," do truly want to hear what you have to say. [To Mars and Pluto] You two need to chill, or I'm throwing you out.

Saturn: Thank you, sir. As you are doubtless aware, events of the past few months have stoked the fears of an already frightened populace. It seems that acts of violence have multiplied over the past month or so, which I attributed to the return to direct motion of a certain planet.

Mars: Why you miserable old fuck! You want to blame ME for this? Where have YOU been to keep everyone in line? This is total BULLSHIT!

Sun: [mutters] Oh shit. [To group] Saturn, could you please limit your...personal commentary about other astrological planets? I'm sure it's a combination of many factors.

Mercury: Very true, sir. Correlation does not imply causation! Give us the facts, Saturn.

Mars: I don't know what he said, but YEAH! [drawls] Gosh, Mr. Mercury, you use your tongue better than a $20 whore!

Venus: Mars, remember that "Blazing Saddles" was on the list of "Movies We Don't Quote During Meetings"?

Mars: All of my movies were on that list, Venus. And I only own like 30. Totally not fair!

Saturn: Anyway, the point I was trying to make before the peanut gallery got involved is that Jupiter and I need to sit down and talk about how to get this under control. There has to be a balance between personal freedom and security. I'm sure with some private meetings we can come up with a plan.

Jupiter: I'm certainly open to such an exchange.

Sun: Excellent. Then I'll leave you two to work out the details.

Mars: Yes, then you can privately blame me for every fuckin' thing. Fuckin' d-bags!

Sun: Lady Moon, is there anything else that we need to discuss?

Moon: Yes, sir, but I suspect it would be a waste of time right now...

Sun: Agreed. Let's plan to get together again soon. I'll adjourn this meeting. [PAUSE] Mars, in my office, please.

Mars: Fuck me! Not again.

Venus: [whispers] I told you, Mars. So take your punishment, and do yourself a favor and don't interrupt. It will just take longer.

Mars: DAMMIT. [in a loud, pained voice] Please, sir, may I have another?

Neptune: And they say I'm delusional? Some days I feel like the only sane one in the room.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Letters from Mars: Mad Props, Ripping Off Ball Sacks, and Taking Names


You are fucking SLAYING IT at the gym these days! It used to be that the Chinese delivery place knew your name. Now it's the people at Planet Fitness who recognize you. That is totally cool and WICKED FUCKING AWESOME! Just think of the chicks, man. Oh're hitched. Well, there's the other benefits of staying in shape. I'm not sure what those are, but looking cool and muscled is so fucking sweet that the other shit is just a bonus! You should start doing some selfies on Instagram or some shit; I've got a whole portfolio of them, and believe me, they're all my good side! But hell to the yeah!

I heard you're trying to make money off of me in a game called Offworld Trading Company. That's so fucking sweet! You're playing like a wimp, though. Saturn is probably giving you that "win with honor" bullshit. While Pluto would tell you "win at any cost", I can't say that, either. But you need to WHIP THEIR FUCKING ASSES. 

You came in second way too many times. Take the fight to them. They give you those black market options for a reason--you should be using them to make sure you come out on top. Fucking mutiny their asses! Pay to steal their shit! Don't let them take the best resources. Don't you dare try to go along to get along; you've seen how far THAT gets you! 

The last thing you want is to be a limp dick like Saturn, who's been around so long I don't think he's seen his own soldier stand up straight since they celebrated Saturnalia!

I'm not into that strategery bullshit. My life plan is pretty simple: 1) Bust down the door or take out anything in your way. 2) Beat the shit out of anything inside. 3) Take fuckin' names. 4) Repeat.

I'll be doing some moving myself...I'll be out of Scorpio again in just over a week, and that will suck. I'm not a fan of the archer, dude. Really I'm not. Scorpio and Aries are where it's at for me. I'm ripping off ball sacks and takin' names right now, but Sag is more big picture thinking and it takes away from my "one battle to win at a time" mentality. He doesn't have the intensity of my favored signs.

Hey man, it's been great but I gotta bounce...Venus gets super pissed when I don't text her back. She's amazing, but sometimes, especially in Scorpio, I don't have a lot to say. I'm not solving the world's fucking problems, unless it's with a war, which is fun even if it never really solves anything.



Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Luminaries: Office Expenses, Olympics and oh...POKEMON!

[The Sun is trying to change channels on the television in his office.]

Sun: Luna?

Moon: [from her desk] Yes, Sol?

Sun: Can you come in here for a moment?

Moon: Sure! [Comes in] You're distressed about something.

Sun: All of a sudden my TV doesn't work. Do you know what's up with it?

Moon: Ah, yes. I forgot to mention that I had the cable turned off.

Sun: did what?

Moon: You said we had to find ways to save money, that we were over budget. So I noticed we were blowing a whole lot of money on cable, and made some adjustments.

Sun: Luna, did you have to kill it entirely? It's hard for me to shine when I can't watch my sports. And I've been looking forward to the Olympics.

Moon: Well, part of the reason I did it was to make sure you didn't spend all your waking hours here, which you have been doing recently.

Sun: [Frowns] I think just found your ulterior motive.

Moon: Sol, that remark stings a bit.

Sun: It's true, though, Luna.

Moon: I'm trying to take care of you since you don't do a great job of taking care of yourself. That TV on your wall doing nothing will be a subtle reminder that you can't work yourself to death. I wouldn't want the mighty Sun to experience burnout.

Sun: I do appreciate that, Luna, and I know you're looking out for me. But I've got a job to do and it literally never stops.

Moon: You act like you're the center of the known universe, Sol! Stop believing all the hype.

Sun: [SIGH] Luna, can I have my cable back, please?

Moon: If it means that much to you, I'll have it reinstated with the very basic package, but not until the Olympics.

Sun: Oh, for fuck's sake, Luna! Just call them and have them turn it back on!

Moon: Don't play the Mars card with me, buster! How do you think I feel watching you work yourself into an early grave? With the amount of time you spend here at work, you could go supernova anytime. And then where would we be? Huh? You have no idea how many times I've tried to nudge you gently toward the door, and you and your ego just won't have it! So you need to dial it back! Watch sports clips online or something during the workday, Sol. Can't you be without cable for two weeks?

Sun: Alright, alright, Luna. I'll do it for you; I'll leave work on time. Promise me the cable will be back in time for the Olympics! I need to see the USA dominate in beach volleyball.

Moon: I promise. [takes out phone and walks toward door]

Sun: Good. Where are you going?

Moon: I'm going to take my break. By the way, I just upgraded the Internet speed here at the office...there's a new Pokémon gym across the street! GO TEAM MYSTIC! [runs out of office]

Sun: I lost my cable, and the internet speed got an upgrade? Hmmmmmm. Probably best to let that go for now.