Saturday, August 5, 2017

Shameless Marketing: August and September Event Updates

Hello, everyone...

Let me pause my video game to give you some very important information. For those of you playing at home, I'm back to Civilization VI and I'm playing as the British.

With that said, I've had some things come up in my real-world calendar, and I will not be reading at 13 Magickal Moons for the foreseeable future. 

However, I am also doing tarot readings as well as astrology mini-readings at Pagan Pride on September 30 at George Mason University! I'm offering the mini-readings for the first time ever. I hope you'll come out and show your support!

Thanks in advance and I hope the end of your summer is wonderful!

PS: Hold on to your astrological hats for this month, folks. It's got the potential to be a bumpy ride with a Mercury retrograde and two eclipses! More on those to follow. :)



Sunday, July 23, 2017

Saturn vs. Jupiter: One Post Card, One Niece, Two Tests

Jupiter: Hello?

Saturn: Jove, it's me. 

Jupiter: Hey, Old Man! How are things in Europe?

Saturn: I always like being here. People seem to get me here...no one's asking me intrusive questions or talking loudly. But I'm curious as to why I'm calling you...luckily enough I remembered to check at the post office here in Munich. And you REALLY had to send a post card from the Sex Museum in Amsterdam?

Jupiter: Look, no one sends post cards anymore, and frankly I was fresh out, so I asked Mars for the tamest post card he has and that's the one I got.

Saturn: Sending smut through the mail where just anyone can see it! Ought not to be allowed!

Jupiter: I'm surprised you even got my post card! Mercury said that sending something poste restante was so passé that he didn't even know that anyone used it anymore. I mean, who uses general delivery? I mean other than you. I did try to text you, too, but you never have your smart phone.

Saturn: The old ways are usually the best. I loathe texting as a medium...I can choose when I want to send a letter, but if I don't respond to texts within five minutes, everyone has a fit. And I'm not good with new technology, but I've never seemed to have trouble with a stand alone rotary phone or a pencil. 

Jupiter: I understand, Old Man. So what else is new? I love Munich! So much beer, so many pretzels, so little time!

Saturn: I'm calling from a pay phone in the post office. So let's skip the pleasantries until I get back home, shall we?

Jupiter: You know how to kill a good time like no one else, you stodgy bastard. The reason I asked you to call in is that John asked me to get in touch with you. His niece Santina is taking a very important exam this week and he's is asking for any assistance you might be able to render. She's one of yours, yes?

Saturn: Ah yes, she is one of mine! Great student, well respected, studying for her Ph.D. in chemistry. She's an amazing young lady and I wish her incredible success on her exam. Chemistry is a very Saturnian subject, you know...it takes many years of discipline to become an expert. 

Jupiter: Sorry to kill your buzz, but anything can be made into a "Saturnian" subject if you study it long enough. We've known each other a long time. Did you think I wasn't going to know that Scorpio and Pisces typically rule chemistry? Last time I checked, neither one of those signs belonged to you.

Saturn: Give the Old Man a break, will you? I'm going to do everything I can to help her succeed this week. Is there anything else?

Jupiter: Yes, one other thing. John also has an important exam this week. He wanted me to make sure you knew it was "career enhancing", and points out that it's been quite a while since he's called you "Mr. Geritol", "that depression-inducing bastard", or "The Grim Reaper", so he expects your full cooperation.

Saturn: [annoyed] John did not call me any of those things, did he?

Jupiter: [chuckling] No, but that was too good an opportunity to let it slide, Old Man!

Saturn: There's something satisfying about slamming down the handset of a phone, Jupiter. It's so much more visceral than pressing "END CALL". Is that how you want me to terminate this discussion?

Jupiter: [laughing] No, Saturn. But I wanted to make sure I mentioned John's exam as well. 

Saturn: If he's prepared, he'll do well. If he's not, well...then hopefully he can take it again. Is there anything else?

Jupiter: Wow. Inspiring words from the no-fun planet. Not doing a motivational speaking tour in Europe, right? They're already depressed enough!

Saturn: I'll see you in a month, Jupiter. I'm hanging up now. [PAUSE] Before I forget, I would ask a favor of you.

Jupiter: Sure, Old Man.

Saturn: Did my book order arrive?

Jupiter: Hang on. [papers rustling] Yes, I have a note here to that effect. 

Saturn: From whom?

Jupiter: Mercury. He signed for the package. Apparently, you bought a signed copy of...The Boars that Came to the Dog Park?

Saturn: [pointedly] Did he open it or something?

Jupiter: It came from Canada and the title was on the customs form, Saturn. We were not deliberately invading your privacy. 

Saturn: [exhales]. Fine. I'm glad it's arrived.

Jupiter: But to be totally transparent, we did deliberately invade it slightly later on when we googled the book itself. Doesn't seem like your type of thing, to be honest. Did you know the plot? It's the story of a pack of wild boars invading a senior living community in the southern United States. Wild boars attacking old ladies in their golf carts with their little dogs? That's really your style? I'd have thought it would be more like French existential plays that make no sense where everyone dies in the end!

Saturn: First, we all have our guilty pleasures. As the publishing planet, you should understand and appreciate this fact. Secondly, I always start the day with Sartre or Camus to get me motivated and in the right direction to do my job. And finally, it's none of your business what I order. End of discussion.

Jupiter: [high squeaky voice] OK, your Lordship. I've put the book in your Lordship's office. Will that be all, sir?

Saturn: Stop talking that way, you idiot! [PAUSE] Wait a moment...how did you put it in my office? It's LOCKED. 

[SILENCE]

Saturn: My office door was locked when I left, Jupiter. Did Lady Moon put it in there?

Jupiter: [faintly with phone away from mouth] Oh shit. [stammering] Ummm, Saturn, I should probably let you go. See you when you get back! [hangs up]

Saturn: [shouting] If anyone has violated the sanctity of my office, you expansive ingrate, there will be hell to pay! Jupiter? Jupiter!? DAMMIT! [hangs up]  

-->

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Venus vs. Mars: Locker Room Duel

Moon: Venus, I agree with you, but are you absolutely sure you want to do this? This whole dueling idea is interesting, but still...

Venus: Yes, I do, Lady Moon. It's extremely important to me. 

Moon: Fair enough. As your second in this exercise, it's my duty to tell you that while I understand, you know you're not going to change Mars' mind about this. 

Venus: Yes, I know. And I understand how you feel, but I need to get this out. 

Moon: [nods] I'll make the call. The Sun will not be happy to be disturbed. [picks up desk phone] Sol, we need you for a few minutes. [pause] Yes, I understand it's July 4th. [pause] I'm very sorry to disturb you, but Venus feels this is important, and I'm her second in a "duel". [pause] No, not with real weapons. You have to act as second to Mars. [pause] [irritated] You should know better than to lie to me, Sol. Pause Offworld Trading Company and come out here...sooner begun, sooner done and all. [hangs up] Well, that didn't go well. When is Mars coming? 

Venus: He should be here anytime now. 

[The Sun's office door opens]

Sun: Tell me this is an elaborate prank, Luna. 

Moon: It's official business, Sol. 

Sun: Venus, this "duel" really can't wait?

Venus: I'm very sorry to disturb your fun, sir, but I need to make sure I'm heard. 

Sun: [SIGH] Fair enough. Let's do this.  I wish Pluto was here to be his second. Where's our boy?

[Mars enters]

Mars: Dude, you people called me back from the Jersey shore for this? The beaches were totally fucking empty...it was like they were closed or something! Didn't stop me and I had tons of room! So what the fuck?

Sun: Sit down, Mars. Believe it or not, I'm here to help you make this quick and as pain-free as it can be. And when I say pain-free, please know that's likely going to end up being a lie.

[Mars sits]

Moon: Venus feels that her honor has been...besmirched, and is asking to confront you on official terms. 

Mars: She could have just texted me!

Moon: I don't think that would have satisfied her in this case, Mars. Venus, would you...?

Venus: Thank you, Lady Moon. I have a recent report from a locker room, which is a place that is ruled by you, Mars.

Mars: So?

Venus: I have it on good authority that a man said, and I quote: "I learned that if you have a fast car and lots of money, they [women] don't give a shit about anything else. Women are whores!" He was in said locker room talking to a younger man.

Mars: Yeah? So? Why is this even a thing? What the fuck am I missing? 

[Venus becomes visibly red in the face]

Venus: It happened in a locker room, Mars. This is an insult to women everywhere, and I demand satisfaction!

Mars: Ummmm, Venus, are you like, on your cycle or something?

Moon: Uh oh.

Venus: [Pause] I BEG YOUR PARDON??

Mars: Well, I know when you start hitting your retrograde cycle you start to get mad all the time.

Sun: Ladies, I'd like a moment to confer with my man, please. Mars, could you come over here? Like...NOW?

Mars: I'm just sayin'. I just want to know if she's "on the ret" or not!

Venus: [takes deep breath] Sir, I'm going to say this as plainly as I can. I suggest you talk some sense into your "man" before I let loose on him and you have to fill a vacancy.

Sun: Mars, please...

Mars: [stands up] No, sir. [to Venus] You want an answer? Here's your fucking answer, because I'm not backing down this time. Bitch, I have been kicked around a whole lot lately, and I'm fucking sick of it! Get off your goddamn high horse! So what if a guy said it? So what if it was in a locker room? That's one of the few goddamn places that women haven't tried to take over! I may not be smart, Venus, but I'm asking the same fucking question over and over because you haven't answered it yet: WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING POINT?

Venus: That you think this is somehow okay, Mars. It's totally unacceptable!

Mars: Men in locker rooms talk that way! Tell me women don't have the "all men are dogs/pigs/assholes" conversation in women's locker rooms!

Venus: That's just it! We don't! 

Moon: Not in any I've been in, Mars.

Sun: As much as it pains me to say so as your second, Mars, I have to say that I've never heard that kind of talk in a men's locker room, either. 

Mars: I'm gonna say this once. Whatever it was you heard, Venus, I didn't say it! The old dude was probably trying to show that he had a bigger dick than the younger dude. Men are going to do that sometimes! They're MEN!

Venus: Well, if you had been there, would you have said something?

Mars: FUCK NO! If a guy really said that I'm not changing his mind anyway! Amirite? Sir, feel free to jump in...

Sun: I say this reluctantly, but Venus, Mars does have a point, as incredibly strange as that sounds coming out of my mouth.

Venus: Are you saying YOU agree with the sentiment, sir?

Sun: Of COURSE I don't! It makes me nauseous to even hear of someone saying it. But you can't blame Mars for all the stuff that happens in a Mars-ruled place. That's not fair to him. It would be like saying we blame you for everything that happens in a plastic surgery center or a beauty salon, and I'm sure similar conversations degrading men as a whole have occurred in these venues. Correct, Venus?

Venus:  [pause] I...I'm not sure...but even so...it's not the same...

Mars: [shouting] OH, THAT'S CONVENIENT! I CALL BULLSHIT! How about FUCK AND YOU!  I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS WHOLE THING. AND I'M OUT! Punish me again if you want, sir, but HANDLE IT! I'm not sticking around to hear the rest of this FUCKING BULLSHIT! [singing] And all I do is win win win no matter what! [storms out]

Sun: OK, so that could have gone better. Was that the reaction you expected, Venus?

Venus: No, but until we start to take a stand against talk like this, I'm prepared to fight with him as often as necessary, sir. It's like saying "boys will be boys", sir. 

Sun: No, I don't agree with that statement, just like I don't agree with what was said in the locker room. And I'm repulsed by the behavior. But honestly, this could have been handled better, Venus. I don't want to have something like this happen again; directly antagonizing the bully of the zodiac does not seem like a smart idea. [Pause] Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Lady Moon. I'll retire to my office now, but there's no need for you to stay any longer today. [enters office and closes door]

Moon: I told you, honey, that nothing good was coming out of this conversation.

Venus: I made my point, Luna. To me it's a win. 

Moon: I'm glad you see it that way. [Sigh] Come on with me, Venus. Bothering the Sun again today is not a smart idea. Let's go get comfort food. 

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Illegal Fireworks Causing Solar Flares

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Glad to see you all back again. Lady Moon, do we still have Saturn out?

Moon: Yes, sir. He's out until mid-August or so. We are still receiving his dispatches; I've scanned the pages for our records and left the originals on your desk. And I do have one motion on the floor that we tabled at our last meeting.

Sun: Absolutely, Lady Moon. Who proposed it?

Moon: [blushing] That would be me, sir. 

Sun: But you didn't SAY anything last time. 

Moon: I knew it was going to be tabled, sir, so I decided to just hold it until today. We all have to have our secrets sometimes. 

Sun: Well, can we hear it, Lady Moon, please?

Moon: Of course, sir. I'd like to propose that we no longer allow explosives of any kind in our office space.

Mars: Awww, come on, Lady Moon! REALLY?

Sun: There's a proposal on the floor, Mars, and you haven't asked to be recognized.

Mars: English, please, sir!

Sun: Stifle it until I call on you. 

Mars: [mumbles under his breath]

Sun: Mars, after our last conversation you really don't want to call me a "dickbag", if that's what I just heard. That term would be more appropriate for you, I would think.

Mercury: Sick burn, sir!

Mars: Sir, I just don't get why we can't have any FUN around here. 

Sun: [SIGH] Lady Moon, would you please outline your proposal and rationale?

Moon: Certainly, sir. Recently, as I rolled my chair into place next to my desk, I heard a number of loud, startling bangs. It turns out that someone had placed some bang caps on the wheels of my chair, and I was so startled I nearly fell. 

Sun: That sounds very unsettling, Lady Moon. 

Moon: It was.

Mercury: Is there any evidence to suggest who might have placed them, Lady Moon?

Moon: I can only think of one planet who might have done it. But I'd prefer not to call him out publicly. 

Sun: Mars, it sounds like you're against this proposal. Your rebuttal, please. 

Mars: Sure, I'll headbutt this stupid proposal! It's summertime right now and I'm like ready for some fun. And who doesn't like fireworks? [silence]

Venus: Mars, there's a time and place for fireworks. Luna's desk isn't that at any time.

Mars: It was just a joke. I wasn't trying to injure anyone! I just wanted a little shock and fun, that's all. 

Sun: Mars, any prank that could result in an injury to any of us cannot be allowed. So I'm afraid I must support Lady Moon.

Mars: Dude, like I didn't see that coming. Of course, you're going to back your girlfriend!

Moon: [blushes] I thank you for your consideration, sir, and am glad you understand the situation.

Sun: Please write up the policy, Lady Moon, and distribute it to all planets. And while we're at it...

Mercury: Sir, I also have some information to share. 

Sun: Concerning this matter, Mercury, or something else? 

Mercury: This matter, sir. My chair was similarly booby-trapped. Luckily I'm using one of those standing desks these days to save my back. 

Sun: [glares at Mars] Alright, young man. Who else did you prank?

Mars: Dude, you're fucking ruining this! Something like this will keep you on your toes!

Jupiter: I get what you were going for, Mars.

Mars: I'm glad YOU do, Jupiter. The rest of these planets can't have any fun at all. 

Sun: I want everyone to go to their offices right now and carefully check their personal space for evidence of bang caps or other tampering. Keep anything you find and submit it to Mercury. 

Moon: What about retrograde planets, sir?

Sun: I will personally accompany Mars to the offices of Saturn, Neptune, and Pluto as he dismantles his "surprises." 

Mars: Dude, can we at least leave Saturn's alone? I've spent weeks on it! 

Sun: How is that possible, Mars? That door is locked, and only Saturn and Lady Moon have the key.

Moon: Well the other matter I was going to discuss, sir, was the necessity to call a repair person for Saturn's office door. It was hanging off its hinges. 

Sun: WHAT?

Moon: Yes, sir. I'm not sure when it happened, but the door took a major beating. It may even need to be replaced.

Venus: Oh shit, Mars. 

Uranus: Uh oh. Solar flare time?

Sun: [glares at Mars] Mars, sometimes you act like an ignorant, self-centered, cro-Magnon, one-track-minded caveman with the intelligence of an unsaturated Froot Loop!

Mars: Dude! Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty"?

Sun: Mars, you're the only planet that enjoys "blowing shit up". What else am I supposed to think? And Saturn would blame me for not keeping you under control if I let you break down his office door--of all things--without coming down hard on you. This meeting is adjourned. Mars, you're with me. If the door needs to be replaced, it's coming out of your budget.

Mars: [under breath] Fuckin' dickbags.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Intermediate and Advanced Tarot Classes This Summer!

Hello, everyone...shameless marketing alert! :)

Tradition of the Witches Circle is proud to offer both a six-week Intermediate Tarot and a six-week Advanced Tarot this summer and fall!

I'll be teaching Intermediate tarot starting on Friday, July 7 from 7-9pm; the cost is $120. Advanced Tarot begins in late August and will also be offered on Friday nights for $120. There will be no break between the two, but there will be a few Fridays off here and there to accommodate my own schedule.

To run the class, we need at least five students. So if you're interested, please comment on the post and also call or email 13 Magickal Moons to make sure your place is reserved. I'd like to have a definite number of students by this Friday, June 30. We're also offering the course via Oovoo, so even if you can't make it to the shop, you can still attend!
I look forward to seeing many of you on Friday nights this summer and fall to deepen your study of this incredibly fascinating subject! :)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Tolerance vs. Acceptance: Bill, Ted, and Being Excellent To Each Other

Hello everyone...just wanted to share a disappointing yet enlightening story that happened in my life recently.

Let me be clear on this at the outset: I try very hard to respect everyone's beliefs, even when I personally would not choose to practice them, and I don't lump every practitioner of a religion or spiritual path into the same category because of the actions of one individual. In short, to me, no one person represents an entire group of people. 

Anyway, this is a story of two friends of mine who I will call "Bill" and "Ted."

I used to hang with Bill a lot. We used to discuss many things openly, including religion, and even though he is a Christian and I am Wiccan, we respected each others' beliefs.

Later, I met Ted through Bill, and though we haven't hung out much, we've gotten to know each other recently. And the more Ted and I have talked, the more I've uncovered the true story of Bill and how he operates. 

Ted and I got together for the first time in a long time a while back, and he was brave enough to tell me Bill warned him about my negative influence. My ungodliness, it seems, warranted a two-paragraph email from Bill, ending with "Jesus is the only way." 

To be honest, Bill had pulled away some time ago, and while I had my suspicions, it's sad when you see someone's true colors. Hearing this revelation was not truly a shock because I had suspected it for a while, but I had hoped it wasn't true. The truth disappointed and saddened me.

Looking back, Bill spent a lot of time bad-mouthing Ted behind his back before I had even met Ted. So when I finally did meet Ted, I had a negative impression of him because I listened. I freely admit that I was wrong. 

Thankfully, both Ted and I found out what was really going on: That Bill was poisoning the well, so to speak.

So here's the $64,000 question: What makes me such a negative influence? 

That's the confusing part for me. I try very hard to be a good person and to help people whenever I can without regard to someone's race, sexual orientation/identity, spiritual path, or other stereotypes. I have a solid network of family and friends who I can trust to tell me if I'm out of line. I'm confident, but I strive to be humble and not let my ego drive the bus. I know that I am far from perfect and admit my mistakes and try to change. 

So to repeat, how come I've been labeled "ungodly"?

Well, I strongly suspect it's my life choices--specifically, my religion and other practices-- that have brought out Bill's bigotry. 

I suspect that I've been deemed a negative influence in Bill's eyes because:
  • I am a practicing Witch/Wiccan and lead a Wiccan community;
  • I am a professional tarot reader;
  • I am a professional astrologer;
  • I embrace concepts, beliefs, and ideas that many consider "alternative" or "outside of the mainstream," like crystal balls, gemstones, chakras, etc.; and/or
  • Ted and I share many of the aforementioned interests.

When it comes to any individual person, if you want to find things not to like, it's shooting fish in a barrel. And I know I'm an especially big target; many people do not approve of me on principle because of the bulleted list above without having ever met me. I've experienced this same situation a number of times with people in my life, and it's never easy. 

You know what? Let's take the idea of religion out of the equation because, in the end, it's not about that. We could substitute one religion with "Yankees fan" and one with "Red Sox fan." [And for the record, yes, Yankees fans, I love and respect you, too, and your tremendous passion for your team. How many Red Sox fans will say that? :) ] 

I realized the simple truth: Bill tolerated meWhen you tolerate something, you're judging it as less than acceptable. He has never truly accepted me for who I was and am. And that is what hurts the most. 

It would be very easy at this point in my narrative to make plenty of disparaging remarks about Bill's spiritual choices or about Bill himself and his behavior. But I don't need to waste my time and energy; Bill is already getting too much attention here as it is.

What Bill hasn't yet realized that as a human being, he's a failure. That's what happens when you label "nonbelievers" as a negative or unwholesome influence through their very existence. By choosing to lump people into some arbitrary category of stereotypes and assumptions, Bill is incapable of true acceptance of another person. For that, he doesn't deserve my vitriol, but my pity.

Ted and I are going to be friends for a long time. I know this because he's a very smart man who also had the courage to tell me a very hard truth about someone that I cared for and respected. While I didn't like the news, I needed to hear it, so he has my sincere gratitude.

The best I can hope for is that someday Bill will accept every person instead of judging and stereotyping them. And even knowing what I know today, I respect his beliefs and accept him for who he is. I can't say I like him anymore, and I doubt we'll ever be friends again, but I do accept him and where he is spiritually right now.

I implore you to accept every single person you meet as an individual with unique gifts and needs, whose choices may or may not match your own, for reasons you may never understand. Ted and I will thank you. Hopefully, one day, Bill will thank you, too.

As Bill and Ted famously said, "Be excellent to each other!"


Thursday, June 1, 2017

Mercury vs. Mars: Mercurial Meanderings with a Touch of Martial Mashing

[Mercury knocks on the Sun's office door]

Sun: Come in!

[Mercury opens the door and sees the Sun behind his desk and Mars in front of it in his stretchy body suit]

Mercury: Oh, are you in a meeting, sir?

Sun: Yes, Mercury, but I know YOU never take a long time. [chuckles]. Is it something quick?

Mars: Yeah, because this can wait!

Mercury: I've got a report I'd like to share, sir, but it can wait...

Sun: [gestures] No, please come in and sit down. I'll have to explain this concept to Mars slowly again anyway and we may be here a while. What's on your mind?

Mercury: Well, I wanted to report that two of my peeps are heading to a writing conference this weekend: John's beloved Jen and his sister Amy. 

Sun: That sounds extremely mercurial indeed! I can understand your enthusiasm. Will they be gone long?

Mars: Dumb question! Mercury trips are lucky to last 10 minutes!

Sun: Mars, please let Mercury answer. At least I know he'll fully comprehend the question.

Mars: FINE! [crosses arms]

Mercury: Two Mercury-ruled ladies on a long weekend to write, write, write! And they've even done this before! It's an amazing story.

Mars: Yeah, and John gets to sit at home and do interesting shit like do two-hour workouts like a BOSS! I think HE got the better end of that deal...he won't have two Mercury bitches yammering all the time. 

Sun: [frowns] I don't recall asking for your input, Mars.

Mars: In English, please, sir?

Sun: [smiles] That's a nice way of saying, "Shut your cakehole!"

Mars: But that's not a nice way of sayin' it at all, sir! So I don't know why you said that!

Sun: [shakes head sadly] Is John prepared?

Mercury: Yes, sir. He is planning on purchasing another Steam game and playing [opens his Erin Condren planner] "until his eyeballs fall out," sir.

Sun: I'm happy for John, but please keep that information "limited distro". 

Mercury: Why would we do that, sir?

Sun: Because there are certain planets who would harangue John mercilessly for playing games instead of working. I'm sure you take my meaning. 

Mercury: Yes, sir. Of course. Limited distro it is.

Mars: Why are we talking about gasoline? What the fuck is that about?

Mercury: I...I didn't get that, sir. 

Sun: [sighs and covers face with his hands] It's not important, Merc. Please leave the report for me, and I'll peruse it in greater detail later. If you would be so kind as to close the door and let Lady Moon know to cancel the rest of my appointments this afternoon. My records need to be accurate for my weekly leadership activity inventory. Have her mark it on the calendar as "Mentoring". 

Mercury: Yes, sir. I'll take care of it immediately. 

[Merc closes door and walks to Lady Moon's desk]

Mercury: Lady Moon, the Sun told me to ask you to cancel his afternoon appointments and list it as "Mentoring."

Moon: [looks at computer screen] Oh shit. I'm going to have to bump Venus again. At least she understands. And I hope he doesn't lose it with our bully colleague...

Sun: [muffled sound through door] And if I ever, EVER, see you wearing that bodysuit again in my presence, I'll write you up! If you want to work out it in that's up to you, but I do NOT want to see your penis!

Mercury: How prescient of you, Lady Moon!

Moon: [sadly] I have my moments. 

Mars: [louder through the door]: I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL YOU, SIR! YOU CAN'T SEE MY DONG! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?

Mercury: Everyone can see his dong in that suit. It's completely obvious!

Moon: [SIGH] You'd better run along, Merc. It's going to be a long afternoon. 

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Letters from Saturn: Bedlam, Pure Bedlam

Dear Sir, 

I hope you've received my previous dispatches from down here. I take a lot of time documenting my visitations and expect that my efforts are not going to waste.

Things down here, to not put too fine a point on it, are bedlam, pure bedlam. Let me assure you that I'm doing my level best, but in addition to being in retrograde right now, I'm also stuck in Sagittarius. I hate belonging to that outgoing, expansive bastard Jupiter; he's just not like me at all. I will, of course, continue to do my duty, but when I'm in this state it seems like it's two steps forward and three steps back. And efficiency and effectiveness are totally foreign concepts as I struggle to be in this sign that can never say no and always wants more. I don't have any idea how he can LIVE like this!

As I sit back and think about it, maybe it's best that I'm in Sagittarius for a while longer, because I don't honestly think I could get much work done at all with all of the chaos. You just can't count on a damn thing these days. 

You asked me about how the world governments are doing, and frankly, on closer inspection, the damage is even worse than I anticipated. There will need to be a long, slow period of improvement so everyone is playing on the same sheet of music. And make sure to tell Lady Venus to continue to work her magic, because people down here don't feel so much with the unity right now...unless you count unity of one group against another. 

I did happen to drop in on John, and it won't surprise you to hear that he's woolgathering again. He was supposed to already have his second tarot book out, and my sources tell me he's not even halfway done. He should plan for a September release at this rate. I may have to ask Mercury to help with another internet outage. That will stop him from playing that stupid Cities: Skylines game during his "free time." And he had to go and get the mass transit expansion pack! Maybe if he used a timer...

And don't even get me started about how few blogs he puts out. Two a month? Sol, you need to talk to him! No one is going to take him seriously. 

Anyway, I think that's about all from here. I should be back in the office around August 25 or so.

Yours Truly,

Saturn

Saturday, May 13, 2017

First-Time Attendee Discount for the State of the Art (SOTA) Conference in October!

Jupiter: Hello everyone! John's asked us to come do his dirty work again. At least this time they paired me with the King of Misinformation himself, Mercury! We're here to talk about the State of the Art Astrology Conference, October 19-23, 2017, in Buffalo, NY. 

Mercury: Jove, don't think I didn't notice that mistake you made. 

Jupiter: Which was...?

Mercury: King of "Mis-Information"? I think what you meant was "Chief Information Officer of the Zodiac."

Jupiter: Dude, you just got back from retrograde, which was a total cluster fuck, and you want to get all high and mighty? And Saturn is supposed to be the title king. What do you care?

Mercury: As we've stated many times, Jupiter, I don't "care." I just don't want the public to be misinformed.

Jupiter: Whatever. John sent us out here to let people know about SOTA. 

Mercury: Yes, so let me give the people information before you tell them how much they can learn. Sound good?

Jupiter: [SIGH] Sure, Doctor Propaganda. Go for it!

Mercury: You should talk. [PAUSE] Anyway, good people, if you haven't come to the SOTA Astrology Conference, it's a fantastic way to get lots of information in a short time on many astrological and other metaphysical topics. All aspects of astrology, as well as mediumship, tarot, and other divination topics have all made their appearance in years past.

Jupiter: That's right, Mr. Just-The-Facts-Ma'am! Lots and lots of higher learning going on. And our favorite blogger...[to Mercury] do we have to say that? I mean, IS he our favorite blogger? What does that even mean?

Mercury: What my philosophical pillock of a partner is trying particularly poorly to profess is that our favorite blogger, John, has been presenting for the past few years at this conference, and the 2017 meeting is no exception!  He'll be speaking on learning the tarot through pop culture. 

Jupiter: I'm still not convinced he's my favorite blogger, but let's put that aside for now. 

Mercury: If you've never attended SOTA before, ladies and gentlemen, this is the year to give it a shot. We've been authorized to offer first-time attendees a discount! 

Jupiter: That's a great philosophy for bringing new folks into what's already a fantastic event, Merc. 

Mercury: The details about this offer are that if you are a first-time SOTA attendee and register by May 31, by check, your full conference registration will cost only $100. 

Jupiter: Damn, that's cheap! 

Mercury: It is less than the standard conference registration, Jupiter, and while it doesn't include any extras like lunches, it does include all of the general sessions of the three-day event.

Jupiter: [frowns] You're taking all the joy out of this for me, man. Haven't you ever heard of "marketing," Merc? 

Mercury: Not at the expense of facts, Jove. So let me finish, and then you can wax rhapsodic about it. [PAUSE] Anyway, if you're at all interested, here's how to proceed: Send your check for $100 by May 31 to:

Full Circle Seminars
35 Brock St., Suite #1405
Hamilton, ON, L8L 4L7

Mercury: Also, please make sure to tell them John sent you. That's a fact, whether or not he's your favorite blogger. But I'm sure HE hopes that he is. 

Jupiter: Damn straight. Even though I don't know any other bloggers...

Mercury: Jove, wait for the fine print. There are only 20 of these things. And when they're gone, this offer will end. 

Jupiter: It's time to get your learn on! Haul ass to Buffalo this October 19-23 for the SOTA Astrology Conference. Click the link for more details. 

Mercury: I think that's it, Jove. I'm off to another appointment. [leaves]

Jupiter: That little motherfucker has no soul whatsoever! He didn't even talk about all the astrologers that you can meet in such a small setting. That's the best part and Mr. Clinical didn't say a word about it! I'm going to have to talk with John about who he partners me up with...

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Mercury Retrograde and Shameless Marketing

Hello, everyone! Hope you're having a fantastic Mercury retrograde. Actually, I take that back...I hope you're surviving Mercury retrograde. This one has been a real bitch kitty for me and it's not over yet. 

I think the icing on the cake for me was the 12 fucking hour internet outage on Friday night and Saturday morning, thanks to my service provider. And in true Mercury form, the resolution did not come at the promised time, but four hours later. Good thing I didn't sit up waiting for it!


Anyway, I have some shameless marketing to do here, so let's get right to it because obviously, I can't count on Mercury to do it for me!

My astrology practice is evolving, folks. I've given up written reports in favor of 90-minute consultations for $100. These are done over your favorite video conferencing tool (Skype, Google, FaceTime, etc.). There's a lot of information in these consults, so I'm recording them and sending them to you once the session is over. That should help you focus on the reading instead of having to scribble tons of notes. 

Anyway, I'm interested in getting some more charts on my calendar, so please let me know if you're interested. To do a chart, I need your date, time and place of birth. If you're not sure on the time, check with your mom or your birth certificate. I can do a chart without a birth time, however; I'll try to narrow that time down for you.


Also, since I'm now recording charts, I'm going to extend that policy to phone and internet tarot readings as well. I record the reading on my end and send you a recording of it; I send a link to the MP3 when it's over. If you have a distance reading with me, and you'd like to take advantage of that service, it's $10 more, and that's the price no matter how long your reading is. It's optional, however. 

While I can't offer the recording service for readings at 13 Magickal Moons, you can record your own reading on your cell phone for no extra charge at the shop! Many have you have asked if you can, and my response is "Certainly!" provided it's for private use and isn't posted online anywhere.

Next, I've been asked for many years why I don't participate in local Pagan Pride events as a reader. I've never had a good answer, folks, so I decided that now is the time for me to step up. I'm happy to report that I'll be reading tarot at NoVA Pagan Pride on September 30, 2017, at George Mason University. I don't have a confirmed reservation yet, but I'll let you know once the paperwork has been processed. I look forward to seeing many of you there!

One other interesting tidbit: At Pagan Pride, I'll be offering astrology mini-readings for the first time. A mini-reading is a quick look at the essentials of your astrology chart in 20 minutes. All you do is walk up to the booth with your birth information and I take it from there. This is a great option if you don't have the time or money for a full chart reading but want a small taste of what's going on.

Finally, by popular demand, I'm offering the Intermediate and Advanced Tarot classes back to back this summer at 13 Magickal Moons on Friday nights, beginning on July 7! The classes will occur on most Friday nights through the end of September. All of you folks who said you were interested, now's the time; I need at least five students registered to run them, so don't miss out! Watch for the 13MM schedule to announce them, and then sign up. You've got a few months to get your calendars in order.

The intermediate course is an in-depth look at the major arcana, all four suits, and reading practice, especially toward the end. The advanced course is really a class that I gear toward whoever is in the room. In other words, if there's a topic in tarot you want me to teach, it's on the table--delivery, spreads, ethics, etc.

Anyway, I think that's it. 

Wait a minute...I guess not. I'm getting questions about the next installment of In Their Own Words, and I will say that the Wands book is in progress. If you want more information than that, maybe Jupiter will spill, but I won't. 

Thanks as always for your patronage and your attention. An early blessed Beltane to all, and I look forward to seeing you across my table soon.