Thursday, April 13, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Retrogrades Triple Play

Sun: Good morning, everyone! [looks around] We've got a few seats empty today. Lady Moon, who are we missing?

Pluto: Thankfully the Old Man's gone! [Mimics old person talking with New England accent] "Back in my day when we called it "making whoopee" and your grandmothah was givin' me a hummah..."

Moon: [blushes and chuckles] As Pluto has astutely pointed out, sir, Saturn is on his business trip.

Pluto: [continues, but now mimicking Saturn] "How dare you say such a thing in front of a lady, Pluto. [SIGH] We were seven planets once!"  HAHAHAHAHA! What a fucking asshole.

Sun:  [smirks] I'd like everyone in this room to know that I'm not condoning that sort of commentary about anyone, even if he is kind of an asshole. It's his claim to fame, and he does it well. Lady Moon, please write the following into the record: "Pluto's disparaging remarks about other members were condemned by the Sun and all present and were stricken from the record."

Moon: Sir, this is an official record of our proceedings. Are you sure you don't want to discuss this offline?

Sun: Dear Lady, please let the records reflect my earlier statement. Let's just consider what I said "alternative facts" since they seem to be so popular these days. Anyone who might dispute that assertion is out, so there it is. And speaking of absences, who else is out?

Moon: Venus has not yet returned to direct motion. And Mercury just left. 

Mars: Dude, people are PISSED about what's happening. Merc is really fucking some shit up!

Sun: I suspect you have something to share, Mars?

Mars: Yeah! Our favorite blogger has been struggling all week. First, he had people cancel on him for lunch four separate times. Honestly, it's just as well because he still needs to drop some weight! Merc was doing him a favor!

Sun: Just the facts, please, Mars, and no commentary on John's fitness level. 

Mars: Then his printer shit the wall, and after struggling with it all evening he had to buy a new one. And THEN his new printer didn't want to connect to the network until he FINALLY got it working. That's John's fault, though, for buying new computer stuff during Merc retro. Fat bastard ought to know better!

Sun: Wow. Sounds like standard Mercury retrograde stuff to me. [looks are Uranus] Urnie, did you have something?

Uranus: Yes, sir. One of John's FaceBook friends, Leslie, reported that she's having a lot of trouble getting through to people this week. I think her quote was, "It's as if all communications are GARBLED! I say one thing, people hear something else. I am trying to be careful to be clear and neutral." Sounds like that Scorpio lady knows what she's doing!

Neptune: It's really awful when people don't understand. Mercury is one of us, and he gets constantly dumped on. And all this negativity is sort of bringing me down.

Mars: No, that's just the Jaegermeister, Nep!

Neptune: Dude, I resent that remark. There's no way I'd drink that stuff...without proper shot glasses.

Jupiter: Amen to that, Nep. 

Sun: Jupiter, you're our publishing expert. Do we have an update on John's next book?

Jupiter: No, sir. He's not answering my texts. 

Sun: How many have you sent?

Jupiter: In the last day, one every half an hour. 

Moon: I know how I'd feel, Jupiter. Why don't you give the poor man a day or so to answer you before you drown him in text messages?

Pluto: And it's another tarot book. Do we give a fuck?

Sun: I'm sitting in John's 9th house, Pluto. I'd say we care. But is there anything else that needs to be discussed before we adjourn?

Moon: It's a little early, sir. But we should start getting the August eclipses on the calendar nonetheless. They're going to be doozies. 

Sun: I concur, Lady Moon. Please prepare information sheets on them for the group for our next meeting. And I do have one other thing to bring up. [PAUSE] I've noticed that there are a lot of original outfits that people are wearing these days, but I'm going to ask you to consider how...appropriate they might be for meetings. We can be casual without being, well, inappropriate. [glances over at Mars]. I'll make sure the others are appropriately informed when they return. 

Pluto: I told you to stop wearing that stretchy body suit where people can see your dong, Mars. And now likely I'll have to stop wearing my Vault 111 and Vault-Tek gear to meetings because of you!

Mars: [to Pluto] Listen, asshole. You CAN NOT SEE MY DONG! [looks down] Well OK maybe you can! SHIT. FUCK. GODDAMMIT. 

Moon: [chuckles] I'll make sure the new policy goes to everyone, sir. Our folks on retrograde will get it in their emails when they get back to the office. 

Sun: Sounds good, Lady Moon. Thanks, everyone. We're adjourned. 

Mars: This is fucking discrimination!

Pluto: Good luck, Mars. I'll be laughing again when you lose this one, too. HAHAHAHA!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

YouTube Video from Stories of Lore!

Hello everyone! If you haven't seen it yet, here's a link to an interview I did on the Stories of Lore YouTube channel by Justin Sisk. He presents videos on occult and supernatural topics. 

Justin interviewed me about the tarot in general and tarot reading. It's a great primer for anyone who has never had a reading before or curious about how the tarot works. 

Thanks in advance for your time! Please take a look and share it wherever you like. :)

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Update: Kenny Klein Convicted of Child Pornography Charges

Hello everyone...

Back in 2014, I wrote this blog about Kenny Klein, a Wiccan minister accused of child pornography. 

Please read the article, but here's the bottom line: Kenny Klein was found guilty of 20 counts of child pornography and could face an incredible amount of jail time. 

I am thrilled to see justice in this case, and I really hope he never sees the light of day again for what he's done.

There is no place in any spiritual path for a leader like this. Not now. Not ever. 

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Mercurial Message Makes Mars Morbidly Mad

Mars: So what the fuck, Merc? Why did you want to see me? [gestures toward Neptune] And why'd you bring this pussy along?

Neptune: [gently] In many parts of the world, conversations among polite folks usually begin with "Hello," Mars. And in some cases, it continues with "Is it me you're looking for?" I LOVE that song!

Mercury: He's right, Mars. So hello!

Mars: Fine. Hell-the-fuck-lo. Now, what the fuck do you want? March Madness is on, and I'm a little busy! 

Mercury: This won't take too much of your time. If I had feelings, I'd be a little embarrassed.

Neptune: He would be, Mars. But he doesn't know how.

Mars: And how would you know, Mr. Hippy? Or is it Ms. Hippy this week?

Neptune: I'm cool with whatever. 

Mars: [To Mercury] You know for someone who is supposed to be specific and clear, Merc, you're fucking it up.

Mercury: I came to tell you about a young lady who's starting her own blog. 

Mars: Oh yeah? Someone I know? Because you know I don't read.  

Mercury: I'd say so. She rides with you most of the time. Lots of Mars intensity in a small package, someone you don't want to underestimate. Goes by the name of...[consults Erin Condren planner]...Ren? Do you know anyone by that name by chance?

Mars: Oh hell yeah! Why didn't you say so? Ren's my girl! We've had some good times. What's the problem?

Mercury: Well, she's starting her own blog, and we thought she might need a little...push. Some incentive!

Neptune: You know, perhaps some positive reinforcement that this is a good idea...

Mars: She's awesome! She was even packing heat last weekend! What do you need me to do?

Mercury: I'm going to be dropping in on her. Is there something inspiring you'd like to say?

Mars: America fuck yeah! She should SO do this. Then everyone can MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!

Mercury: How about a comprehensible message that doesn't involve copyright infringement?

Mars: FUCK! Here you go again, brainiac. Repeat in English for those of us who like things "on the real".

Mercury: [whispers] Nep, I told you this was a bad idea. 

Neptune: No, not at all! Just take his words and come up with something more...appropriate. 

Mercury: We went down that road a while back, and the Sun got sort of pissed at me for it. I'd rather not have that situation again. 

Neptune: No one else has to know, Merc. And if the Sun comes after you, blame me. I can just say I was drunk. 

Mercury: [shouts] AH HA! The "I was drunk" defense. That's brilliant! The Japanese have been using that one for YEARS!

Mars: I can't hear the game over you two motherfuckers! So decide what I need to say to her and get out!

Mercury: I think I've got it. "The blessings of Mars be upon you, Ren, as you embark on this wonderful new blogging adventure. I will gladly come visit your blog anytime, and bring many of my astrological planetary friends."

Neptune: That's beautiful. You think she'd let me come, too? 

Mercury: Dude, you have to come. She actually writes creative shit people will want to read, not this astrology crap that John does. She's an honest to goodness creative writer. I mean, John's stuff is informative, and yes it's nonfiction, kind of, but evaluated against others, I'd say his prose lacks a bit of...

Mars: Dickheads! There's the fucking door. John's one of mine, too. So unless you want to be speaking out of your assholes, I suggest you fuck right off. 

Mercury: A pleasant evening to you, Mars. We'll take our leave of you now. 

Neptune: Embrace your inner Goddess, Mars. 

Mars: Go fuck yourself, Nep! Same to you, Merc, whatever you just said. And don't take a damn thing from my house. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Lady Luna's Lunation Lecture: What is a Lunation?

Good evening, everyone. My name is Luna, and I'm the Moon. I asked John if I could start doing some more work on the blog, and he was very understanding and said yes without hesitating. So here I am. 

I hope you'll be nice as this is the first time I've been up here by myself. Oh no...I wasn't supposed to say that, was I? [blush]

Anyway, you've probably seen me...I'm that orb that floats around in the night sky that can sometimes seem incredibly close to the earth. I exert a certain...force, shall we say, that moves the tides around. 

People have written songs and poems to me for centuries, and would you believe that vast majority of these...well, admirers, I guess is what you'd call them, even though the term makes me dreadfully uncomfortable...have no idea about my astrological functions?

I rule the ebb and flow of a person's emotional body. The astrological sign I'm in at your birth can tell you a lot about how you react to things. Think of me as "mom": When life gets tough, you come running to me, and I receive you warmly and make you feel safe and secure.

Lunatic. Lunacy. Looney. They all come from me. And did you know that the word month comes from moon? I go through all 12 signs of the zodiac in about 28.5 days, or almost one month. I'm often the timer for astrological events, too. Fascinating, isn't it? 

I don't like to talk about myself much, but it's safe to say that astrologers like the one who writes this blog think I'm pretty important. In some forms of astrology, I'm even more essential than my consort, the Sun. I don't make a big deal out of it, though...Sol would get upset if I tried to grab ALL of his light for myself and that's just NOT who I am. In truth, in western astrology, he's in charge, but I definitely do my share of the work. 

Anyway, speaking of words, the word lunation is not well-known, but it's one of the things I do often, twice a month to be exact. A lunation is a new moon or a full moon, both important parts of my monthly cycle through the signs. 

The new moon cannot be seen because the moon and the sun are conjunct; in other words, I'm too close to the sun for you to see anything but a ring. A new moon lunation is a "download" of energy at a particular point astrological degree, while the full moon lunation is a "culmination" at a particular place.

If you've got planets or sensitive points close to each, then you may take a hit, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, either. 

If this stuff is all too geeky for you, feel free to ask our astrologer friend John. Otherwise, my next lunation will be in a few weeks!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

In Their Own Words: Song Suggestions, Anyone?

Hello, everyone! I had a very cool thing happen today. One of my readers, my friend Holly, was going through In Their Own Words: The Major Arcana of the Tarot and suggested a song for the World: "Closing Time" by SemiSonic.

Here are the lyrics that made her think of the World:

Closing time/Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Pretty amazing, huh? A great choice for the World!

Do you have other suggestions for songs for the cards of the Major Arcana? Share them with me and I will share them with the world!

Feel free to comment here or send me an email to chime in. Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Random Meanderings

Greetings dear readers! I hope you had an amazing weekend. In no particular order, here are few random meanderings for you.

  1) You may have noticed some changes to the blog page. There is now a calendar on the links to the right on the main page; look under "Events". It will give you my schedule a couple of months ahead. I promise to do my best to keep it updated with the appropriate details for each event. It will include readings at 13 Magickal Moons and will have private events blocked off, so if you're interested in scheduling something you can start there!

  2) For those of you who are Civilization 6 players, I've managed to win as the Aztecs and the Germans this week on Warlord level. I think I also got in one win on Prince level as the Americans, but the AI civilizations gang up on you. Jerks.

3) I'm off to Cincinnati this coming weekend for a seminar at the Midwest School of Astrology, featuring America's premier classical astrologer, Dr. Lee Lehman. Horary and medical astrology are both on the agenda. I know I'm going to come home happy, tired, and with a very full brain.

  4) On my way out west, I'll be stopping for the evening in Wheeling, WV, and if you live in the area I hope you'll stop into Centre Cup Coffee...I'll be there reading cards and signing books starting at 6:00pm. It's this Thursday, March 2.

  5) This warm weather has been like the spring that we won't actually have here in northern Virginia. If you were saying "It's felt like spring," I suspect you just experienced it.  Hope you had a great time.

6) The next book in my In Their Own Words tarot series is in progress. I hope that the Wands installment will be available soon. My beloved, Virgo that she is, cracks a mean whip. 

  7) I had a great time last Sunday at the NCGR Conference in Baltimore, MD, where many of the brightest astrological stars--pun intended--came out to present. I was only able to be there Sunday, but saw some fantastic presentations and met up with a few old friends, and also met a few new ones. 

  8) A sincere "thank you" to everyone who has purchased In Their Own Words: The Major Arcana of the Tarot. If you're of a mind and haven't done so, please consider putting up a review on Amazon or Goodreads. The reviews will eventually allow Amazon to recommend my book to others, but I need 50 of them. Thanks in advance for helping me out!

  9) My post on binding earlier this week came from a reader suggestion, and I hope that if you have an idea for a blog, you'll let me know. That one seemed particularly timely. 

  10) Venus goes retrograde on Friday, and I'm hoping to coax her to do a blog installment before I leave on Thursday morning. She's usually pretty amenable to things like this, but I know she wants to get out of dodge for a while.

  I think that's it for the time being. Thanks as always for all of your support. Watch me on Facebook during my trip; I tend to be more active on social media when I travel or attend events because no one really cares generally what I'm eating for lunch or how many hours I've spent playing Civ (67). 

  I look forward to seeing you across my table soon!

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Binding: What is Your True Intent?

One of my readers asked me to clarify the ideas behind binding spells. And it's a great topic to look at! Whole movies and books have revolved around it, so there's a lot of interest out there. 

At some point in every Witch's development, the question of performing a binding spell occurs. When should you do one? What's a good enough reason? And what are the karmic implications?

Let's start with what a binding is: A spell to keep someone--the caster or someone else--from doing a specific action or actions. And yes, it does involve hindering someone's free will; consequently, I take binding as a practice very seriously indeed.

Before we start down this path, I want to remind everyone that my stance on "harm none" is pretty simple: It's not possible. You are harming things every day, from the grass you walk on to the environment you live in. That's not to say that you shouldn't go out of your way to avoid harming people, but let's be realistic. Any spell you perform to enhance something in your life is going to "harm" directly or indirectly someone or something else. Fluffy-bunny Wiccans might say otherwise, but as a practicing Witch, that's where I stand. 

With that said, on the surface, taking away someone's free will is most definitely not "white magick"; you're definitely harming someone. But there is one question that should be central to your understanding of binding, or of any magickal working for that matter: What is your intent? To be clear, it's not what you SAY your intent is, but it's what you INTEND to do with your spell. This will also determine the karmic backlash you receive if any.

For example, did you know that love spells are actually binding spells in disguise? That's one of the reasons I never recommend using them. When you bind someone to love only you, you're taking away their free will to love or be with someone else. At that point, it's pure selfishness and ego driving you, and you can expect a pretty severe karmic bitch-slap for that.

But let's use another scenario. Let's say that you are concerned that a co-worker is gossiping about you or causing trouble for you deliberately at work. Before I even considered binding that person or "freezing" them in water--another great variant on the binding with the same impact!--I'd recommend protection spells. You can perform spells to protect "you and yours"--significant other, friends, pets, etc.--from harm with no concern about karmic repercussions. So I usually recommend starting there unless the danger is imminent. 

If there's no change in the situation in 3-4 weeks--and YES, you do have to wait that long--then a binding is something you could consider. 

Once again, let's go back to INTENT. If you intend to keep this person from gossiping about you and causing trouble at work, then that's essentially protecting "you and yours" and karmically you should be OK.

My concern is bindings that also cause harm to the target. If you want the person to stop causing trouble and gossiping and you also want them to perform poorly at the office, then you've crossed a line. Your INTENT must be crystal clear and not intend to cause any harm to your target. 

This last point is exceptionally important, folks. I'm a Scorpio, and we could practically write the "Don't get mad...get even!" book. If your spell involves the target receiving worse than they've given you, then once again you've crossed a line. With "I hope his dick falls off!" you risk having problems with your own genitalia, for example, when the target was unfaithful to you.

To be clear, revenge and justice are two different things. You don't bind someone as a punishment or to mete out justice in your own way; you bind them to protect yourself and those you hold dear. If you want the Universe to deal out something worse for your target than you yourself received, you're asking for trouble. But you don't bind someone for justice, either. 

Before I forget, you can also bind yourself, and this is a great way of helping yourself spiritually if you're trying to keep from doing something that harms you--smoking, overeating, etc. Of course, you won't get any bad karma from using it this way.

Finally, a binding to me is a serious spell done in serious circumstances. In other words, once you have tried to accomplish your goals on the mundane level without success, and you've worked some protection magick, then you can start to consider working a binding. But not before. I take a more conservative approach than others and I'll freely admit that point.

If we go back to our earlier gossipy co-worker, you should start by addressing the problem. You gather your evidence and you talk to this person, your supervisor, or their supervisor, or a neutral third party, like a human resources person or peer counselor. These are mundane--earthly, material--ways of dealing with this problem, and they should not be ignored. 

In other words, your first thought should not be to go home, make a poppet to look like your colleague, and bind them from ever receiving a promotion. Start in the mundane world, and work toward magickal solutions as necessary. If you don't need to use magick to solve this problem, then great! You can use the energy to fuel that prosperity spell with tax season upon us, right?

Bottom line: Binding is serious business, and it's a great tool to have in your Witch's toolbox. But Abraham Maslow once said, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you'll see every problem as a nail." Simply put, binding--and magick as a whole-- is NOT the answer to all of life's problems. It's used to help things along when necessary. And the Universe will often handle the problem for you; granted you might not be around to see a person receive their karmic just desserts, but that's just your ego talking. With a little time and some effort, you can swallow your pride. And sometimes, that's the best course of action. 

I'll just end by re-stating what I hope you take away from this blog. Binding someone else requires a thorough, honest look at your true intent. If the need is clear, and your intent is pure, then have at it! If you realize that you may be risking some karmic repercussions, back off and make sure you've done everything else you can in the mundane world before making a mistake that could lead to disastrous consquences. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Astrology and Emasculation in Charm City

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Hope you're hanging in. It's been a turbulent few weeks. Lady Moon, who do we have out right now?

Moon: At the moment, sir, only Jupiter. But it's going to be more challenging soon. [Opens Erin Condren planner] Looks like we'll do our solar eclipse dance this Sunday, sir. Hopefully, it will be a good one. 

Sun: Thanks for the reminder, Lady Moon. I had almost forgotten.

Moon: And if I'm reading this right, we've got Venus heading retrograde on March 3?

Venus: Correct. I'm out for a while beginning in early March, Lady Moon. And I know Merc is out again. 

Mercury: Early April for me, Lady Moon.

Moon: It was really nice at the beginning of the year having you all here. 

Pluto: I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Lady Moon. But it was more predictable, at least. 

Saturn: [To Pluto] Don't be rude, Pluto. [SIGH] We were seven planets once, and we can be seven again. 

Pluto: Doesn't matter how many of us there are, Old Man. You'd still be an asshole!

Saturn: I beg your pardon? You're lucky the Sun hasn't decided to kick you out for your poor attitude. 

Sun: Gentlemen, we're not going down this road again. Saturn, I was just planning to ignore his comments like most other planets do anyway.

Pluto: Thanks, boss. Good job with the positive motivation there. 

Sun: Sorry, Pluto. I'm just not feeling it much these days. I'm trying but it's been hard. 

Venus: We understand, sir. And I hate to go retrograde right now when people really need me. But orders are orders. 

Sun: No worries, Lady Venus. I've been dealing with these jokers for thousands of years. [chuckles] Mercury, would you like to give your report on the astrology conference?

Merc: Yes, sir. Our favorite blogger drove up the road a piece to spend a day at the NCGR Conference in Baltimore, a veritable who's who of the astrology elite. 

Saturn: Well, there were a number of notable absences. Some people were stopped at the border. You either take care of your paperwork or you don't get through...that's the deal. 

Merc: Luckily, that didn't take away from any of John's enjoyment. The first presentation he attended was about YOU, Old Man. I don't know that I'd question John's loyalty to you. 

Saturn: Really? 

Merc: Yup. It was on the history and mythology of Saturn, and it was an excellent presentation by all accounts. It was told in all its beautiful, detailed glory, and John stayed for the whole thing. 

Saturn: Wait, did they focus on the emasculation stuff again?

[Room silent]

Saturn: Damn. I really hate that part of the story! They end up portraying me as this emasculating, horrific taskmaster who is associated with the world's downtrodden people. Please tell me the lecturer didn't go there. 

Merc: Yup, sounds about right. They had some great images, too. There's this one where this one guy is holding what appears to be your...

Sun: [Interrupts] I think we get the point, Mercury. Who else did John see?

Uranus: The other highlight of the day was Janet Berres. She did a fantastic workshop on astrology and tarot. 

Sun: Oh wow! That's right up his alley. 

Neptune: Yeah, she did a great contrast between Uranus and I and the difference between astrology and tarot. Good stuff!

Saturn: I'm glad he went to see my presentation at least, though it sounds like it was thoroughly distasteful.

Mars: You are who you are, Old Man! I don't know that there are any photos of me with my junk in someone's hand, though. That's pretty awesome!

Saturn: Young man, your fascination with genitals of all kinds is irritating, and in this case infuriating. 

Mars: Not sure what you just said, Old Man, but I have a response: Get off my DICK! Or maybe that's the WRONG thing to say to you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sun: Mars, that's more than enough. Merc, send the reports via email to Lady Moon, who will see that they're distributed.

Mercury: Yes, sir. It really was an interesting day. 

Saturn: With your permission, sir, I will withdraw. [Saturn leaves]

Sun: I think that's about all the nonsense I have time for these days, people. We're adjourned. 

Mars: Some guys get so sensitive about their dicks! I mean, I know he's old but he can probably know...

Venus: Mars, you just don't know when to quit.

Sun: Lady Moon, please ensure that Mars' genital remarks are stricken from the official record. But keep the information provided by Mercury, since it was not actually intended to be insulting. 

Moon: Yes, sir. 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Letters from Venus: Red Tuesday and Retrogrades

Good evening, everyone! Venus here to wish you a very happy Valentine's Day season.

It's a great time of year, no doubt about that. People really outdo themselves showing others how much they care, and that always makes me truly happy. But one of the saddest parts of this season is when things don't go quite as planned and people's feelings get trampled. 

Anyway, I was surfing the 'Net the other day and saw that there was a phenomenon know as "Red Tuesday", and I had never heard of it before. But I thought it was an extension of the holiday, like, "This is the lead-up to Valentine's Day." It sure sounded good...until I started looking into it further. 

And then I was sad, because Red Tuesday is apparently the Tuesday you should be breaking up with someone before Valentine's Day if your relationship isn't going the way you want. I guess this is really a thing. Breakups are hard enough, but putting someone through that pain a week before Valentine's Day? That sounds like cruel and unusual punishment. It's like saying, "Sure, I'll be yours...until someone better comes along." There's a person with feelings in there, you jerk! Sorry...I got carried away, but you see what I mean, don't you?

And as an aside, John didn't know about Red Tuesday either until one of his Taurus friends told him about it. Good on you, sister, for keeping him informed at least. 

Anyway, being an astrological planet has its highs and lows, and I get to see people in the throes of love and passion, and then watch relationships crumble. That second part is the part I hate. Sometimes it's necessary for both people to grow, but that's my head talking and not my heart, trust me! 

Once you get through Valentine's Day, then, unfortunately for all of you, I'll be on vacation soon afterward. I go retrograde starting in early March for nearly six weeks. With people in the world exceptionally upset and angry now, I need the vacation. I've got the perfect place picked out: It's a gorgeous house outside of Reno, Nevada. Hopefully, I'll be able to actually get there; they've been getting record snows and I could use the time to myself. Mars has to stay and work and this gives me the opportunity to really see how I work on a more personal level.

While I'm away, I have a few tips:

1) Please do NOT ask Mars for relationship advice. His bedroom skills may reign supreme, but his brain generally is the one between his legs. Ask pretty much any of the other planets, but not him. PLEASE. 

2) Know that relationships that are under stress will face additional stressors while I'm gone. No decisions, though, until I get back. You don't want to make the wrong call in your romantic life.

3) Stick with your current wardrobe. You don't want to change brands right now or try to figure out your personal style.

I think that's it for now. But I'd like to wish John and his beloved Jen a very happy Valentine's Day! They have been valentines for 24 years this year. Hope you crazy kids have a fantastic time next week!

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Mars Rising: Facing the Eclipse

[Dialing phone]

John: Come on, man. Pick up!


Mars: YO! Talk to me!

John: Mars? It's John!

Mars: Heyyyyyyy duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! What's up?

John: Why don't you tell me? You texted me last night.

Mars: Huh? 

John: Your text message said "Duuuuuuude comin' 4 U Fryday". And I get the feeling it wasn't about potatoes.

Mars: OH YEAH! I did, didn't I? Well you know I'm getting hit this weekend. 

John: [Pause] Getting what this weekend? Lit?

Mars: No, asshole! "Hit", not "lit". Neptune's lit all the time and that shit is NOT for me. Well maybe some Jaeger...blood of the deer! And maybe some tequila!

John: Wait a sec...I think I understand. The eclipse is hitting you in my personal that what you mean?

Mars: Fuck yeah! I was sitting at 24 Aquarius when you were born...and the eclipse is catching me on the flip side. 

John: Yeah, I noticed. So how do you...behave when you "get hit"?

Mars: How the fuck should I know? You flabby wastes of space are all different. 

John: You're not being altogether helpful. 

Mars: Dude you talk like a weird combo of Merc and the Old Man! I just figured it out. WINNING!

John: [eyeroll] Fascinating. You, sir, are an insult even to cretins.

Mars: Oh, you're taking it? That's great!

John: Taking what?

Mars: Creatine! That shit is great for the body. 

John: Oh for fuck's sake! That's so far removed from what I even said it may as well have been in old French. No, of course I'm not taking any supplements! 

Mars: Dude, you will lose that spare tire in two shakes if you mainline it!

John: And damage my heart, liver, and kidneys in the process, right?

Mars: BULLSHIT! They've got nothing. Never hurt me at all. They're just haters.

John: You know this because of your Ph.D. in pharmacology from Harvard, I suppose? I'll take WebMD for $200, Alex. "This supplement could kill you if recommended by a caveman.""What is creatine?"

Mars: You're at it again, brainiac. Wanna speak fucking English now?

John: Fuck you, dickhead! I'll take my chances on Friday. 

[hangs up]

Mars: Huh. He sounded pissed. WHATEVER!

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

In Their Own Words: A Royal Visit

[Knocking on door]

John: [gets up] Who the fuck is knocking on my door this late? [walks to door] Can I help you?

Female voice [heard through door]: I'm a traveling Lula Roe saleswoman and thought you might like some leggings. 

John: [turns around and calls upstairs] Jen? Are you expecting anyone to sell us Lula Roe at this time of night?

Jen: [faintly from couch] Ummmm nope. I wouldn't open the door...sounds like bullshit to me.

John: Hmmmm. I've gotta look. 

[John opens door and looks out on a man and a woman wearing bright royal robes and carrying torches]

John: [SIGH] Maryland or Pennsylvania?

King of Wands: Sir, what are you talking about?

John: You're obviously looking for the Renaissance Faire. Isn't it a little early in the year? And what sort of leggings are you selling?

Queen of Wands: We're not selling leggings, John. Heavens no! And we're not looking for a faire. We're the Queen and King of Wands, and we're here to inspire you.

John: Oh for fuck's sake!

King: I BEG your pardon?

John: I am SO not in the mood for this tonight. 

Queen: We waited specifically until you were back from your trip to come by. Was it fun?

John: Yes, but I'm sort of tired and I don't normally receive visitors late at night. And be careful with the fire...those bushes will go up in a heartbeat!

King of Wands: I demand to know why you haven't started the next tarot book yet!

John: DEMAND? Step off, your Highness. I've been sort of busy.

Queen of Wands: Don't talk that way to my husband! We're trying to do you a favor. 

John: Sounds like an ego trip more like. You want me to start this book because you two are in it! 

King of Wands: Of course! It will put all of your other books to shame. 

Queen of Wands: You can inspire many with your words!

John: [holds up a hand] I started it earlier tonight. Will that suffice?

King of Wands: Oh really? That's awfully convenient! How do we know you're telling the truth?

John: Trust me, your Highnesses. Or don't. But I haven't got time to debate it with you. My bed is calling me.

[The Queen of Wands opens her mouth to speak]

John: I don't give out delivery dates, your Highness, so don't bother asking. Now take your finery and your fire and please fuck off!

[John slams door]

Queen of Wands: Spirited young man, isn't he? [smiles]

King of Wands: Indeed. Let us adjourn to order our car service.

Queen of Wands: Next time I'll just say I'm selling Thin Mints. No one ever turns down those...they're just wafer thin...

[They walk away]

Jen: [from upstairs] Who was that?

John: Some asshats who can't find their way to the Ren Faire, honey. That's all. 

Jen: Were they really selling Lula Roe?

John: No, honey. I'd rather not talk about it. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Chaos and Disorder

Moon: Folks, if you could all take your seats...

Saturn: Where's the Sun, Lady Moon?

Moon: [frowns] He's a little...delayed at the moment. Has anyone seen Jupiter?

Venus: No, but I know he hasn't been feeling himself lately. Too much going on.

Saturn: Lady, will we see the Sun today?

Mercury: Technically, every human on the earth has that same question each morning, Saturn.

Uranus: It's true. Luckily we get to see him all the time!

Venus: Is there a reason why you're so insistent, Saturn? Lady Moon has run meetings before.

Saturn: That's not really the point, Venus. I have a lot on my plate right now and I'd really like to get back to it. 

[Jupiter walks through the door]

Jupiter: Is the mighty Saturn feeling thwarted? Well, doesn't THAT suck?

Pluto: Looks like someone drank my Kool-Aid, or some of yours, Bam-Bam. Not sure which yet.

Mars: Fuckin' dickhead! I told you not to call me that!

Saturn: [to Jupiter] Do we have a problem, Jupiter? I wasn't aware...

Jupiter: Have you looked at the earth recently, Old Man? Of course we have a fucking problem! And it's getting so bad you don't even need to pull your head out of your saggy ass to see it!

Mars: [to Pluto] $20 bucks on Jove!

Pluto: [shakes Mars' hand] I'll take that bet!

Saturn: Jupiter, please, there's no need to...

Jupiter: Do you have any idea how fucking busy I've been because you haven't been fulfilling your obligations?

[Saturn stands up]

Venus: Uh oh.

Moon: Um, gentlemen, if we could table this discussion. Please. I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

Saturn: I believe I'm holding myself back admirably, Lady Moon. Obviously Jupiter has no idea what he's talking about. He doesn't seem to understand the philosophy, if you will, about what I'm trying to do. [to Jupiter] Just admit that you don't and we can drop this right now.

Jupiter: [mouth drops open] You miserable motherfucking establishment PRICK!

Saturn: My incredible disappointment is a drop in the bucket compared to the way I feel about you right now, sir. [Pause] You don't know what I've been up against the past few weeks. And you show no control by coming in here with insults and accusations. If I was in your position right now, I'd withdraw from this ridiculous altercation before you die from embarrassment. I am deliberately trying not to prolong it. [sits down]

Jupiter: [moving toward Saturn's seat] Well isn't that just fucking dandy! The astrological planet in control of the world's governments, ladies and gentlemen. And what a STELLAR FUCKING JOB you've been doing at it lately! Bravo! [starts slow clap]

Venus: Jupiter, step off. You're not being fair to Saturn at all.

Jupiter: [turns to Venus] Oh don't tell me you're taking HIS SIDE in all this! You of all planets!

Venus: [walking slowly toward Jupiter, speaking quietly] I understand how you must feel, Jupiter. I really do. But there are no sides in this. [hugs Jupiter] 

Jupiter: [starts crying] Damn you, Venus...look at me now!

Venus: It's not his fault. He has many faults, but he's not responsible for everything that's going on.

Saturn: Venus is right, Jupiter. I'm just as angry and upset as you are. How do you think I feel when nothing goes according to plan?

Jupiter: But you're acting normally. 

Saturn: What is it that Spock said..."I am emotionally compromised"? Don't ask me to repeat it because I never will.

Pluto: Yeah, well...that's nothing new if you consider emotional repression "compromised". 

Moon: [Gently] Pluto, please. [Opening Erin Condren planner] I'm cancelling for today. We'll reschedule this meeting; I think all of you need a break. We're adjourned. 

[Neptune walks through the door]

Neptune: Sorry I'm late...what did I miss?

Pluto: [To Neptune] DUDE. [To Mars] Pay up, Bam-Bam. The Old Man won!

Mars: No fair! Venus disarmed him!

Pluto: Cash, bitch. Now.