Sunday, April 17, 2016

Venus vs. the Sun: Old School Chivalry

Moon: Good morning, Lady Venus. Go right in...he's ready for you. 

Venus: Thank you, ma'am. And how have you been doing?

Moon: Very well, thanks. Never being in one place too long is a good thing for me...and thankfully I never have to go retrograde!

Venus: I'll tell you what, Lady are SO RIGHT about that. [chuckles]

Sun: [calls out from office] If you ladies are about finished chatting...

Moon: [puts up her middle finger and effects a high-pitched, squeaky voice] Sorry to put your sacred schedule behind for 15 whole seconds, your Lordship!

[Venus stifles a laugh]

Sun:  'Your Lordship', huh? Which obscene gesture is she making, Venus...the jerking off motion or the traditional middle finger? 

Venus: I'll never tell, sir. [winks]

Moon: [smiles and winks] I'm sending her in now, your Lordship.

[Venus enters and shuts the door.]

Sun: Please sit, Venus.

Venus: Thank you, sir. [sits down]

Sun: So what's on your mind?

Venus: I wanted to talk to you about our last meeting, sir.

Sun: Yes? I thought it went fairly well, considering our past meetings.

Venus: I agree. But I'm here to talk about how you handled Mercury. And before you ask, no, he doesn't know I'm here. 

Sun: I'm not in the position of discussing the disposition of other planets, Venus.

Venus: I figured that, sir. But I didn't like the way the last meeting ended. I didn't feel like you needed to threaten him that way. Mercury shoots off his mouth; it's what he does.

Sun: Agreed. But between that and his phone obsession he had it coming. And his remark was extremely crude...

Venus: You're holding Mercury to a different standard, sir.

Sun: I'm not sure what you mean. 

Venus: You were upset by his use of the phrase "vag out", right? To represent the mighty Mars becoming more interested in what would traditionally be considered Venus-ruled activities during his retrograde?

Sun: Yes. 

Venus: Well, after you...made your exit, Pluto called Mercury a dick and nobody batted an eyelash. That's the same thing to me. Genitals are genitals, in my book.

Sun: Wait a minute. So you're telling me that Mercury's remark didn't bother you?

Venus: Nope. It surprised me and shocked me a bit, I'll admit...but it is a pretty clever turn of phrase. And Mars would probably have said something similar if I hadn't been coaching him before his retrograde not to say the first thing that pops into his head.

Sun: I'm very surprised you're not offended. 

Venus: You do a great job running these meetings and keeping us all on track, Lord Sun. But you have a bias.

Sun: I do?

Venus: You want to keep things "nice" for the ladies. While I appreciate the's not necessary. We are perfectly capable of standing up for ourselves and speaking. Unless you're telling me that Lady Moon isn't a force to be reckoned with?

Sun: Of course not! She's a veritable force of nature.

Venus: [smiles] That's wonderful. But I don't think you give us ladies enough credit. If we're offended, we'll stand up and say it. But we're stronger than we look, and if you're constantly trying to protect us...

Sun: ...then it sort of puts you in a subordinate position? Like you need protection.

Venus: Yes, sir. Exactly.

Sun: [Pauses] I never thought of it that way before, but I'm sure you're right. I'm not sure what to do now.

Venus: Can I offer a little advice?

Sun: Certainly. 

Venus: Treat us like you would anyone else. Don't worry about us needing protection. If we need something we'll ask. I find your attitude toward us very old school and it's exceptionally sweet, but times have changed, and the world moves on.

Sun: I promise to work on it, Venus. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. Now, could you pretty please with sugar on top get the fuck out of my office so I can get some work done? [smiles]

Venus: Of course, sir. Enjoy the day! [leaves office and leaves door open]

[Lady Moon gives two thumbs up as Venus passes. Venus raises her arms to the sky with a mouthed "Woo hoo!"]

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Saturn Retrograde: Better Late Than Never

John: [dials phone] Come on, Old Man. I know you're on retrograde but pick up the phone! [rings] Come on...I need to talk to you! [rings]

Saturn: [answering machine picks up] "Hello. You've reached the home of Saturn, greater malefic. Please have the discipline to wait until this entire message is through before you begin to leave your own message, which I will answer once my retrograde is over on August 13, 2016. May your patience be rewarded!" [Beeeeeeeeep]

John: Saturn, it's John. I really need to talk to you, regarding...

Saturn: [phone picks up] John! How are you? 

John: I'm really sorry to bother you, Old Man...

Saturn: Not at all, not at all! I'm just enjoying my retrograde. Glad you caught me...I'm leaving on my trip tomorrow.

John: Wait, you're taking a vacation?

Saturn: Young man, who do you think I am? Jupiter? Of course not a vacation! Consider it "business travel".  Anyway, I'm in retrograde a good deal of the time, and I take those time to go out into the world and see how my influence is affecting people.

John: Sounds like a lot of work, actually.

Saturn: On the contrary! It's one of the best parts of my job. So, why don't you tell me how I can help you?

John: You seem almost...happy, Saturn. Is everything OK?

Saturn: It's a good time for me! In the United States, taxes are being filed at a furious rate now, and I revel in it when people fulfill their obligations. And Mars has been telling me of your discipline at the gym. A sweaty business, to be sure, but you are showing true Saturnian character by going so often. So I wanted you to know that I noticed and appreciate your efforts. 

John: Very kind of you, Old Man.

Saturn: But that's not the reason for your call. You have something more serious on your mind for such a young man, and when you call me at home, you're not ready to hurl insults at me. You only do that on your blog. But I'm even ready to forgive that for the moment since I'm in such a non-Saturnian place. 

John: I am a little put off by this, but I'm prepared to do something I would prefer not to do: Ask a very direct and potentially rude question of you. 

Saturn: [Pause] Go on.

John: They say that "Jupiter promises, but Saturn pays." I need to know: Do you really pay off eventually? Because I've got my first job interview in eight years tomorrow and I want to know if I've got a shot at this job.

Saturn: What kind of question is that? You're one of my people! Who would be better qualified than YOU?

John: I've thought that before, Saturn, and in a shocking turn of events, I agree with you. But why would you wait so long before even presenting me with this opportunity? Excuse my French, but eight fucking years...!

Saturn: You and your language, John...disappointing. [Pause] Look, eight years is nothing!

John: Well, those of us down here on earth are lucky to make two Saturn returns and are blessed if there are three. I've been waiting over a quarter of your cycle for this to appear. And now it's within my reach.

Saturn: I can't guarantee success, John. If your studies have taught you nothing, only hard work and dedication bring about success. 

John: So no hints at all on the outcome?

Saturn: You're the psychic, John. Or perhaps Neptune might have been a better choice for this conversation.

John: I should have known. Sorry to bother you on your retrograde. Perhaps we'll talk again when you get back. 

Saturn: Don't hang up! [Pause] No matter what happens, John, you have my blessing. And no matter what you have thought of me in the past, I hope you will know that I am pulling for you.

John: Thank you, Old Man. That means a lot. 

Saturn: Now if you'll excuse me I have to make sure I pack enough notepads. They never run out of electricity on long flights. And mechanical pencils. I LOVE those things!

John: See you in August, Saturn. 

Saturn: Goodbye, young man. Good luck tomorrow! And by the way, if you get this job, I need a favor. 

John: If I get this job, you can have anything you want. 

Saturn: You can thank me by not casting any aspersions my way for six months. I'll take the good PR. 

John: I've waited EIGHT YEARS and you want six months of good press? NO WAY! I will offer you 90 days. 

Saturn: 120 days and not one day less. 

John: [SIGH] 120 days, Old Man. You pay off and so will I. Done and done. 

Saturn: Very well.  

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Mercury Misfires Make for Meltdown

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Take your seats, please. Mercury, how many times do I have to tell you that we don't allow any technology out during meetings? Please put your phone away. 

Mercury: [typing] Sir, I just need to update my status...there. All done. [puts away phone]

[all cell phones except Mercury's emit a sound]

Sun: Mercury...there's no real need for you to "check in" for these meetings, is there?

Mercury: Sorry, boss. I just think it's cool; that's all. And my fans expect it. 

Sun: Oh, your fans. Riiiiiight. [opens Erin Condren planner] So let's see what's on tap for today. Hmmm...Lady Moon, who are we missing?

Moon: Well, sir...Jupiter is still in New Orleans, but Neptune has returned, as you can see. Other than the occasional Snapchat I get from Jupiter, he's been out of touch. 

Sun: And I see we only have partial malefic representation as well. How bizarre!

Moon: Yes, sir. Saturn normally tries to "fulfill his planetary obligations" during his retrograde periods, so I honestly expected him. But I received a letter stating in no uncertain terms that he would not be here.

Mercury: "Snail mail"? [chuckles] How...quaint. [reaches for his pocket]

Sun: Merc, you touch that phone, and we will have a problem. As I've mentioned before, these proceedings are considered confidential. And I don't want to see any more stories in news outlets citing an "anonymous astrological source close to the Sun" simply because you can't keep your mouth shut. Don't try the semantic route, either..."mouth" in this case means any form of social media or communication, to make sure we're on the same page. 

Uranus: But don't we want people to get to know us, sir? In many ways, Merc is helping with that...

Sun: Urnie, the "universality of information" argument doesn't hold water with me, either. I know you two are thick as thieves. "Information is the connective tissue of networks, blah blah blah." So don't bother trying.

Mercury: Well, why do we need the greater malefic here when it looks like someone else has taken over the role?!

[Venus and Neptune gasp; the Moon frowns deeply]

Sun: [Smiles] You're playing with fire, but I'm not rising to the bait, Merc. Your comment burns my ass, I'll admit, but not enough to flame you publicly. Perhaps you'd like to stop, drop, and roll, and report on John's upcoming travel?

Mercury: Shit. [Wincing] Yes, sir. Jupiter handed this trip over to me because John's making it for the second time and now it falls into my area of responsibility. He's heading out to Midwest School of Astrology to meet a very famous classical astrology expert, Dr. Lee Lehman. There shouldn't be any snow in the forecast for this road trip, and the route will be familiar to him now, so there shouldn't be any missteps like there were in January.

Venus: John's really excited, sir. He's a big fan of Dr. Lehman's. And he's got some other fun things on the schedule. I have it on good authority that his wife is coming with him for a mini-vacation. Jupiter even scored him some reservations at a casino hotel one night. At least, I think that's what the Snapchat said...

Neptune: Yes, Jennifer is planning to write while John's in class. That will give her plenty of time to play with me. And of course, what visit to Cincinnati would be complete without a stop at the local aquarium? Jen's a huge fan, and who can blame her?

Sun: Excellent! It sounds like everything is shaping up well. Mars, you've been remarkably silent today. Are you OK?

Mars: Yes, sir. I'm...going into retrograde this coming week, so I'm starting to think about slowing things down. But John hasn't; he's been working out like a madman, and I couldn't be prouder. Especially when he's working out in a place called "Planet Fitness" with my symbol on the men's locker room. It's really cool. 

Sun: I'm glad to hear it. Other business to discuss?

Moon: Tax Day is approaching in the States, sir. That may explain the reason Saturn chose not to come; he always gets giddy around tax day. 

Sun: Mars, where are you going on your retrograde?

Mars: Well, sir, I haven't really decided. I'm thinking Paris, though. It's been ages since I went to the Louvre, and since I won't be back at work until June 30, I'll actually have time to go through and enjoy it. The Frogs know their art. Musee d'Orsay and the Orangerie are also on my list.

Sun: That sounds lovely. It should give you some time to decompress. And Paris is such a walkable city. Are you doing anything...sporty?

Mars: That's the thing, sir. I don't feel very much like myself during my retrograde. [Looks at Venus] I've asked Venus to help me figure something out, so I don't totally...ummm...

Sun: [Puzzled expression] Yes? "Don't totally..." what?

Mercury: He's trying to say that he doesn't want to totally 'vag out,' sir?

Moon: [mouth drops open] I beg your pardon, Mercury?!

Sun: [places his hand on Luna's shoulder] It's ok, Luna. It's just a very crude turn of phrase. [glares at Mercury] And that will DO, Mercury!

Venus: If I may...what he's trying to say, sir, is that without saying something offensive [shoots eye daggers at Mercury], Mars is embracing the softer side of things. I did tell him, however, that he may want to re-engage a little bit to his usual routine from time to time. 

Mars: So I decided that I'll score some seats for the FC Nantes game against Paris Saint-Germain in Paris on May 14. John will be totally jelly, but I'll be there in my bright yellow and green FC Nantes gear to cheer on les canaris! ALLEZ NANTES!

Sun: Well, I'm glad you've got your retrograde under control, Mars. Try to enjoy yourself! I'm jealous of your trip, Paris being the City of Lights and all. [makes notes in Erin Condren planner]. Venus, if you could make another round of stickers for our planners, that would be wonderful. They're so useful!

Venus: [beams] I'd be thrilled to, sir. What does everyone need?

Sun: Well I know I'll need a few more for "disciplinary meetings" [sidelong glance at Mercury], but I'll allow everyone to email you their various requests. Any alibis? [Pause] All right then...Lady Moon, please type up notes of the meeting and send it to everyone as usual.

Moon: Absolutely, sir. And we'll coordinate schedules for Mercury's disciplinary counseling session with you? [beams]

Sun: Yes, ma'am. You always seem to know what I'm going to say before I say it. [Pause] Let's adjourn. [to Mercury] I need not to see you for a while, young man. What is it you like to say? 'You'll be hearing from me'? Oh yeah. You will this time, that's for sure.  Count on it! [Sun gets up and leaves]

Mercury: [sighs] Fuck my life.

Pluto: Hahahaha! [to Mercury] You dick. [Sings] "Here comes the Sun, doot n doo doo! Here comes the Sun, and I say, you're fucked, dude."

Neptune: I don't think those were the song's original words, Pluto, but I agree with the sentiment. [shakes head sadly]

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Ten Random Meanderings to Get Back in the Bathtub

Greetings, good people! It's been quite a while since you heard from me, and Saturn has been bending my ear about it quite here are a few random meanderings for you just to keep the old bastard off my ass for a while:

1) New tarot dates

New dates for April, May, and June are posted for readings at 13 Magickal Moons! Apologies for the lateness. The first date is Saturday, April 9. Take a look at the "In Person Readings" link on the right. :)

2) FTL: Faster Than Light is a game that has sucked my entire soul. If you're a Steam Gamer or you have an iPad, you can enjoy this amazing and frustrating experience for $10. It's a space travel and battle game...I've been trying to win for nearly a week. I've promised myself a few more attempts once I finish this blog and hit the gym (see #5 below).

3) Paperback books by Jennifer Wells!

Two of my beloved's books, Magick Charm and Free Spirit, are now available in paperback via Amazon. They are books 1 and 2 of the New Orleans Magick Series. They're already available for Kindle. Despite Jupiter's insistence for more publishing information, my beloved hasn't told him what's coming next...only to sign up for her newsletter to be one of the first to know. (To be fair, she should have told her sun's ruling planet, Mercury, but I was overruled on that point.)

If you're already a fan of Jennifer's books, please write a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or both. As Mercury often says, "Word of mouth drives sales," and Amazon won't start recommending a book until it has 50 reviews. If you've taken the time to do one, even a short one, know it is appreciated!

4) Astrology college studies

A number of you have asked me how my studies are going. In a word, awesome! I'm learning a ton at the Midwest School of Astrology and having a fantastic time learning from Pam and Diane, as well as my other classmates. 

I told myself when I started studying here that I was going to be a sedate, quiet student. Well...that didn't last long. Since I am on chat and NOT on camera--my fellow students are likely happy I'm not, since we know how I am about cameras--I use some hashtags frequently, such as #ilovemychart and #scorpioworlddomination. My classmates and teachers have found out I'm not as Saturnian as my chart suggests. #sorrynotsorry

5) Planet Fitness

So I changed gyms recently and while some people will say "A gym is a gym", I'm really enjoying my Planet Fitness experience. $20 a month includes workouts at any Planet Fitness, free tanning and hyrdromassages--I never miss a workout because I get one afterward every time!--and it's less than five minutes from home. It's less than half the price of my old gym, too. 

What I like most: The culture. I really feel different working out now, like I'm just a regular guy working out with other regular people. My old gym's culture was bodybuilder, and while I was never offended or put off by it, I've never felt as comfortable working out as I do at Planet Fitness.

6) Fucking snow

OK, it seriously fucking snowed here last night. I mean COME ON, Mother Nature. Haven't you seen the calendar? At least the snow didn't stick. But so much for a nice, gentle entry into spring. NoVA weather, go home, you're drunk as usual!

7) Cutting the cord

Since we last spoke, I got rid of cable TV, and honestly, I'm so pleased I did. Not only am I saving more than $100 a month, I'm not having to listen to election coverage. (I can't wait for this cycle to be OVER!) One of the benefits to not watching the news all the time is not having to see the negativity. I'm all for that!

8) Positive change is everywhere!

While I'm not disappointed to not watch the network news (see #7 above), there has been a lot of positive news for people in my personal life. I know of at least three people who are cancer-free after treatment. One lucky couple is tying the knot this fall. And one very special person just passed another test toward getting her dream job. Congratulations all around!

So if you're struggling, please hang in there; everything is temporary. And enjoy those special moments with those you love, because sadly, they're also temporary. WOW. Maybe I'll have to edit that out...a little too Saturnian...but the point is to ENJOY LIFE RIGHT NOW. Jupiter for the win! And Neptune for the wine!

9) Mars Retrograde

Yes, our favorite testosterone-filled planet is going retro. He doesn't do it often, but when he does, he becomes a lot more like his consort, Venus. 

It will happen just after Tax Day, so keep your eyes peeled and watch this space for more information.

[SHAMELESS MARKETING ALERT] To deal with any negative impact, may I recommend a Mars Retrograde candle from 13 Magickal Moons? Actually, I'm going to do so. I think I just did, actually. The point is, go buy one. That is all.

10) Astrology 1, 2, and 3 with the Tradition of the Witches Circle starting up in early May!

By popular demand, all of the astrology series classes will be offered this spring, summer, and fall at 13 Magickal Moons!
Each series is 8 classes long and will occur on Thursday nights from 7-9.

The whole series has been re-vamped to make the information easier to retain as well. So if you've taken it before and struggled, I encourage you to try it again. The dates are all Thursdays:

Astrology 1: May 5, 12, 19, 26; June 2, 9, 16, 23
Astrology 2: July 7, 14, 21, 28; August 4, 11, 18, 25
Astrology 3: September 1, 8, 15, 22; October 6, 13, 20, 27

Astrology 1 deals with the planets and the signs. In Astrology 2, we study the rising sign, the houses, and the basics of chart identification (what and where everything is!). Finally, Astrology 3 will talk about aspects (planetary relationships) in different charts, as well as dignities (planetary strength by sign). 

If you're interested, sign up in person at the shop, call the shop, email the shop or Sam, or email me. We'll get you on that list one way or another.

Thanks for listening, good people! As always, I look forward to seeing you across my table, or in my classroom, soon!