Saturday, December 31, 2016

Happy New Year from Pluto and Mars

Mars: Shrimpie! How the fuck are you doin'?

Pluto: How many times have I asked you not to call me that, dickhead?

Mars: [chuckles] Does it matter?

Pluto: It will when I slash the tires on your 86 Corvette, asshole. 

Mars: Dude, you need to chill and learn to take a joke. 

Pluto: The joke's on you when you wear that clingy body suit to work out. It's not going to increase the size of your package to show it to the world!

Mars: Chicks dig me in that body suit!

Pluto: Weren't we supposed to be here doing something for John? I told him I would as a favor to him. 

Mars: For me, it's community service for fucking up the gift for his anniversary a while back. I owe him big. 

Pluto: Anyway, what Bam-Bam here is trying to say is that we're here to...

Mars: Dude, I know what we're here for!

Pluto: [glares] Mars, was I talking to you?

Mars: FINE. And dude, that stare is some scary shit.

Pluto: One of the reasons John sent me tonight is that for many of you, nuking 2016 seems like a great idea. So he asked me to come give this year a proper sendoff. And the reason he sent Mars is because Mars fucked up.

Mars: I should be off getting some, man. And I'll be busy soon with all the people who will start going to the gym in the next week! Woo hooo! Go me!

Pluto: My apologies, good people. My erectile friend has apparently not allowed the reason for this message to penetrate the thick skull of his extremely small brain. So it will fall to me to wish you a very New Year 2017. 

Mars: Wait a second--"very new"? How can it be "very new"?

Pluto: Because the old year really sucked for so many people, I'm highlighting the fact that the new year is a clean slate, just like a building that has been razed and no trace of the old structure is left. In this case, however, we'll skip the nuclear winter. 

Mars: [confused] Sure, whatever, Pluto. Did you say what John told you to say? 

Pluto: Not totally, my Cro-magnon pal. Actions speak louder than words. John would like to take a moment to thank all of you for supporting him, reading his blog, blah blah know the drill. He also published a book but since it wasn't about me, I don't really give a shit. 

Mars: Did John tell people to work out more in the new year?

Pluto: [scans papers] Nope, I'm not seeing it here. 

Mars: Good! That fat bastard shouldn't be telling other people to get to the gym anyway! Have you seen him recently?

Pluto: Mars, you are the reason we can't have nice things!

Mars: What do ya mean? He needs to go more!

Pluto: That was a dick thing to say. John's one of ours! And he goes at least 3 times a week. 

Mars: If he was serious he'd double that!

Pluto: [rolls eyes] Thanks for tuning in, dear readers. In a few short hours, 2016 will be nothing but a memory. My advice: Time to bulldoze what you no longer need and start fresh. Nuke the shit out of everything and embrace 2017.

Mars: Are we done? Can I go now?

Pluto: Yes, asshat, get the fuck out of here. 

[Mars exits]

Pluto: I wonder if tonight will be the night when Mars finds out I replaced his lubricant with Icy Hot ointment! Well, we'll all probably hear about it when it happens. I feel a little bad for whoever his partner is, but I'm sure I'll get over it. 

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Shameful Marketing from Saturn

Early greetings of the solstice to all of you! 

Since John has kept his promise of not attempting to sully my already challenged reputation over the past few months, I volunteered to come on and address what I consider John's annual shameful attempt to market his services. He calls it "shameless marketing", but a solid business speaks for itself and does not require pandering, in my humble opinion.

My purpose tonight is twofold: The first is to remind you that my time of year is coming. I'm the only classical sign ruler with two signs in a row, namely Capricorn and Aquarius. This was of course before the advent of "modern" astrology and its desire, for reasons I cannot fathom, to hand off rulership of Aquarius to Uranus. As much as I respect Urnie as a colleague, he just doesn't have the stability or consistency that it takes to be a sign ruler. But I digress. 

I hope that you will remember me during your many and varied solstice celebrations. Back in the day it was Saturnalia, and to co-opt a popular phrase, I hope you will "keep Saturn in Saturnalia" by showing decorum, dignity, and respect for everyone during this time. There's nothing quite like a nice, quiet holiday get-together this time of year, no matter what other planets who will remain nameless might tell you. Out of respect for them, I won't name them here, but they might have all sorts of wild, aberrant suggestions for celebrations that you should probably ignore.

The second and by far least important purpose of my visit tonight is to tell you that John would be honored and humbled if you asked him to read cards or do a chart or two for you or your loved ones during this season of Saturnalia. He has a long way to go in both areas to be considered proficient, but my reports tell me he's at least adequate most of the time. To be honest, if he stopped reading cards he'd have more time to study astrology, which he can definitely use. 

For those of you who buy into the myth that John may have some sort of "universal insights" using cards--it sounds crazy just thinking about it!--I have it on good authority that his next time performing said activity will be the evening of December 21, the evening of the solstice, and by far the most respected date on the astrological calendar as the Sun will enter Capricorn. His community will be celebrating the solstice and you will be warmly welcomed. 

For those of you looking for other dates during Capricorn and Aquarius, he will also be reading cards on January 14 and 21, 2017.

I hope you have not wasted too much of your time reading this shameful attempt at mercenary behavior on John's part. But please accept my most dignified and restrained greetings as you enter my time of the astrological year. May you and yours have the discipline to do so in moderation. 

Io, Saturnalia!

Saturnalia blessings to all!


Thursday, December 8, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Solstice Decorating Party!

[Neptune knocks on Venus' door]

Venus: Neptune! Fashionably late as usual! Please come in. We're about to start on the tree.

Neptune:'s so great to see you! [hugs Venus] I look forward to parties at your house!

Venus: [blushes] Well, what could be better than celebrating the upcoming solstice together?

Pluto: [low voice] Laying waste to large groups of people. Razing buildings. Starting over. All of these things would be better.

Saturn: I'm sorry, Pluto...could you repeat that? I couldn't hear over all the frivolity.

Pluto: Never mind, Old Man. I hate enforced "team building" activities.

Sun: Oh, come on, Pluto! A little holiday cheer won't kill you. [to the Moon] Come on, Luna...we have to put the lights on first!

Moon: Of course, Sol. [takes one end of the string and hands the rest to the Sun] Go around the back and I'll make sure it doesn't get tangled like last year.

Uranus: No trips to the ER tonight, folks!

Mars: Unlike last year when you slipped on your way out the door and had a groin pull? I told you if you stretched more you wouldn't have been laid up for so long.

Uranus: It was an accident, Mars. Accidents happen.

Mercury: Statistically it happens more when you're around, Urnie. I checked! [Pause] Jupiter, you have the ornaments, right?

Jupiter: Yeah, I brought them.

Venus: Which ones did you bring, Jupiter? There was this amazing solar system ornament set from the IFLScience Store, and it had a glass ornament for each of us! Totally amazing but way out of my price range.

Saturn: I'd go so far as to say those ornaments were exorbitant, Venus, although I will say that they appear to be very high quality indeed.

Jupiter: Well it just so happens that I bought the usual balls and the like...

Mars: Did you bring any BLUE balls, Jupiter? HAHAHAHA!

Pluto: [low voice] Not like yours are, Chairman of Masturbatory Operations.

Jupiter: ...but I also happened to buy these as well! It's the solar system ornament set from the IFLScience Store!

Venus: Wow, Jupiter! This is an amazing gift! How did you afford it?

Jupiter: You only live once, Venus, and I make it a point not to look at my credit card bill online until after the holidaze.

[Saturn shakes head]

Sun: Wow, Jupiter. [picks up the sun ornament] These are amazing and gorgeous! I think mine will have to be on the front of the tree toward the top.

Moon: Mine will be on the opposite side of the tree, Sol. And we need everyone's attention for a moment!

[talking and activity ceases]

Moon: Sol, would you do the honors? [hands light string plug to the Sun]

Sun: Absolutely, dear lady. Here goes! [plugs in the lights and the tree turns a brilliant light blue color]
[Everyone oohs and aahs over lights]

Sun: Luna, why are they BLUE? I thought they were going to be multicolored.

Moon: There's a switch, Sol, and they CAN be multicolored, but I prefer a nice blue. Don't you?
Sun: Well, actually I...

Venus: [interrupts] It's lovely, Luna! Thanks so much! Let's head into the dining room, everyone! The first round of starters is coming out of the oven!

Mars: Hot dogs in crescent rolls, baby! The snack of champions!

[Everyone goes into the other room except Saturn and Pluto]

Saturn: You can't possibly hate being here as much as I do.

Pluto: You have no idea, you old bastard. If we weren't required to be here, I'd so be getting laid right now. [nods toward dining room] Now let's get in there before Mars the neanderthal sucks it all down.

Saturn: Check with Neptune. He always has alcohol, and that will make it easier to handle the obligatory festivities.

Pluto: Agreed.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

When Your [Tarot] Mother Calls

[phone rings]

John: Hello?

The Empress: Hi John? This is the Empress calling. 

John: Well ummm...hi there! I didn't expect that anyone from the tarot would be calling me, especially tonight. 

The Empress: You've been really busy reading cards recently, John, and I wanted a time when we could chat without being rushed. 

John: I'm afraid I'm not prepared for a discussion, Empress, but I'll do the best I can. 

The Empress: [laughing] So serious? This isn't a conversation you need to prepare for. I'm just checking in on you.

John: That's very kind of you. I'm doing OK, I think. It's been a busy fall, but otherwise I'm hanging in there. You?

The Empress: Oh you know, the usual...being a maternal figure, babies, the Feminine Divine. All in a day's work!

John: Any Thanksgiving plans? 

The Empress: Oh of course! We'll be having a number of people over. The Fool is usually late, but once he gets here he has a great time. I never know whether or not the Moon is coming, though sometimes get an intuitive sense. And if the Tower happens to show up, well...that's why I have an entire second set of dishes, cups, and flatware. 

John: That's a lot of work! Do you invite all 21 of your colleagues?

The Empress: Yes, I do. I love taking care of people, even if it's only for a little while. But while we're on the subject...

John: The subject of...what?

The Empress: Taking care of other people. 

John: I'm actually pretty decent at that. 

The Empress: Look at you, running off at the ego, young man! It's kind of endearing sometimes, though. I'm actually thinking of all the people--women especially--who take care of you. You owe them a debt of gratitude, you know.

John: Of course I do!

The Empress: Well, one of the reasons I came was to make sure you didn't forget them on this Thanksgiving.

John: I hadn't gotten around to that yet. 

The Empress: It's fine, John. I'm happy to help you with it now.

John: I wasn't aware that I needed help, Empress. I've got this all under control.

The Empress: Now, please don't take this the wrong way--you are a sensitive young man, after all--but you need to know how blessed you are. You have quite a number of women in your life looking out for you. I think it's adorable that you call the main four in your life your "Queens" and give them each a suit. That's pretty amazing. 

John: I wanted them to know how much they mean to me, starting with the be-all and the end-all, my wife, my beloved Queen of Pentacles. How she hasn't grown tired of me yet I will never understand. But she blesses me each day, as do the Queens of Wands, Swords, and Cups. A person couldn't ask for a nicer chosen family than that, Empress. 

The Empress: And if my information is correct, you have quite a list of women in your life over and above those four ladies. 

John: Yes, I do. It just so happens that  the vast majority of my friends are women, too.

The Empress [pulls out a sheet of paper]: And quite a number of them are Venus-ruled ladies, right? I'm seeing a few Tauruses and Libras. You are very lucky indeed! I was sorry to hear about your grandmother Marion; she showed her Taurus patience and determination dealing with you as a kid!

John: Agreed. [pause] Empress, I mean no disrespect, but this is getting sort of pedantic. I said how blessed I was to have so many amazing women as a part of my life, and I try to tell them regularly how important they are to me. What more would you have me do?

The Empress: [smiles] I think you've done enough for now, John, except you do need to make sure you FaceTime your mother and your mother-in-law tomorrow. No woman left behind, young man!

John: [SIGH] Yes, ma'am. I promise to do that. 

The Empress: Thank you, John. By the way, you told people in another blog that your cat Josephine got that name because she was your "Empress". That nickname pleased me greatly. 

John: Yes, she sure was. I loved that cat with all my heart. And I adore my little girl cat, little Pele.

The Empress: Well, anyway...I should let you go. I want to make sure the Emperor doesn't mess up the turkey. 

John: He's so would he mess it up?

The Empress: You know him, John. If it says "cook for X minutes per pound, he'll cook it for exactly that amount and no more, even if it needs more. I love that man but he's just so damn...structured. As such, I'll check on the bird before retiring. 

John: Thanks so much for your call. Very nice of you to check on me. When the number came up I was afraid...

The Empress: Yes? Afraid of what?

John: I was afraid that The Fool was going to show up and tell me to await the visits of three spirits. 

The Empress: [laughs] No...likely the Devil would do that, and since it's not Thanksgiving yet technically, you won't get that call for a few weeks. But I'm sure it's coming. 

John: [eye roll] I look forward to it.

The Empress: [chuckles] Be nice, John. And have a very happy Thanksgiving. You have a lot more to be thankful for than most people, and with so many powerful women in your life and lots of creature comforts, I figured I'd come down to make sure you didn't screw this up.

John: Thanks for calling. Good night, Empress. 

The Empress: Good night, John. And I'm supposed to tell you to work on the next tarot book.

John: Good night, Empress! [hangs up] 

Friday, November 18, 2016

A Special Message from Mars and Saturn!

Saturn: Greetings! We, the malefics, are here on John's behalf...

Mars: What the fuck else is new? We're always here doing his dirty work, but at least we're doing SOMETHING. Amirite?!

Saturn: Young man, your language is atrocious. 

Mars: Dude what are you sayin'?

Saturn: [frowns but pulls out a piece of paper and reads off of it] "Dude, your language sucks!"

Mars: Now THAT I get!

Saturn: I'm trying to follow the guidelines of your...speech patterns. Your lexicon is exceptionally limited.

Mars: Speak fucking English to the people, you old fucking scrotum sack!

Saturn: Neanderthal! [mumbles] Oh, I hate when he has us do these together!

Mars: You make it too hard, dude! And I'm not talking about my junk, either. 

Saturn: [sickened] Mars, with you here, my message will lack a certain decorum, dignity, style, or composure. 

Mars: Whatever. I'm not standing here with my thumb up my ass all night. I've got shit to DO. We're here to thank John's astrology students with the Tradition of the Witches Circle. You people fucking ROCK!

Saturn: John is extremely pleased with your achievements. The Saturnian discipline and focus you have shown over the past six months have helped you make steady progress in understanding us better. 

Mars: [Nodding] What the Old Man said. 

Saturn: While your journey in astrology is just beginning, John wished to convey his heartfelt appreciation for your Saturnian efforts, even though, if we're being honest, John didn't have anything to do with it. 

Mars: Yes he did! I didn't see YOUR saggy ass in the classroom, Mr. Knee Replacement. John taught that class. You didn't have anything to do with it. 

Saturn: I beg your pardon? Without me, those students would still be reading books that call me "an old devil." Considering who their teacher is, I'm surprised he had anything good to say about me at all. 

Mars: You, the students, put the energy in and you all did fantastically! Fucking awesome achievement! Don't listen to this geezer and get discouraged. Astrology's like a marathon, but you all can do it! Don't let Mr. Depression here get you down! Get it? I KILL MYSELF  SOMETIMES! Amirite?!

Saturn: [low] I sure wish you'd try and do us all a favor.



Mars: Now this is the kind of blog I like. Time to fuck off, Mr. Geritol. Got shit to do.

Saturn: The Sun will hear of your conduct, young man. Mark my words.

Mars: What the fuck ever. I'll call you when I care. Which will be never since you don't text. Square! Hey that even rhymed! 

Saturn: Even a broken clock is right twice a day, Mars. 

Mars: Here we go again? WHAT?

Saturn: [pulls out paper making a face] "Why don't you..." No, I just can't bring myself to say that. There are always limits.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: SOTA 2016 Post-Mortem

Sun: Good morning, everyone! I know you're all ready to get back to work. Lady Moon, get us started, please. 

Moon: Yes, sir. It looks like everyone's here today. I feel so much more secure when I can see everyone.

Sun: What's on our agenda today, Luna?

Moon: Well mainly it's trying to catch up with our favorite blogger. He's been on the go pretty much for the past two weeks. And any other matters planets would like brought to the table, of course. 

Jupiter: Yup! I'm prominent in his solar return. Time for him to get out and be seen. He's also sold some books, which I'm ecstatic about.

Mercury: Are we going to talk about the US election?

Sun: No, Merc. We're not going to discuss the election.

Moon: It makes too many people uncomfortable or upset, Merc.

Mercury: But you said we could bring topics to the table.

Sun: I'm vetoing that one. Sorry. 

Mercury: Not even in a non-partisan, information exchange, "everone-is-ok-no-matter-how-they-voted-so-let's-sing-Kum-Bah-Yah-around-the-campfire-like-we-did-when-we-were-kids-and-didn't-hate-on-principle" sort of way?

Sun: Nope. We don't get into that sort of thing. Suffice it to say that most astrologers' predictions were completely wrong. I suspect many of them allowed their human biases get in the way of the analysis, which is always a bad idea. 

Saturn: With respect, sir, I completely agree with you.

Mercury: [Looks at Saturn] You don't look well, old man.

Saturn: The whole process gave me fits. If the Sun hadn't contacted me directly asking for my attendance today, I'd have stayed home.

Sun: And that's precisely the reason we're not going to talk about it. Well, one of the many. 

Mercury: [SIGH] FINE.

Venus: I'll be happy to listen to you later, Merc, if you still want to talk about it. 

Mars: Seriously, people, fuck that shit. Let's do something instead of sitting here touching ourselves. I can do that on my own time.

Pluto: Yeah, dude. We know. HAHAHAHA!

Mars: What are you laughing at, Orgasm King?

Pluto: You won't like what I say next, Neanderthal!

Sun: Gentlemen, PLEASE. Anyway, Mercury, please brief us on what John learned over the past few weeks. 

Mercury: Hard to say, sir. His brain is a sloppy mess of knowledge right now, and he's trying to write his next book. I do know he learned a ton both at the school and at the conference. Word on the street is that he brought home some books, too. But it's going to take a while to assimilate all the information.

Uranus: Much of what he learned at the astrology conference this time involved the outer planets, sir. I'm thrilled to say that his knowledge of how we work increased significantly.

Neptune: One of the presentations was called "Locked In!" by Brad Kochunas, and while it featured me and Pluto, I'm not sure how I feel about being part of people creating prisons for themselves. 

Pluto: Nep, you've gotta get over that. Personally, I'm a huge fan of this talk. This Kochunas guy KNOWS me. John walked away with a much clearer focus on what I'm doing up here. But everyone needs to hear this one!

Moon: And our itinerant blogger did learn a lot about me in my progressed form as well. It gives John a chance to see me in a different light than his usual Capricorn Moon self, which is, if I might say, somewhat limiting.

Saturn: Lady Moon, I'm just doing my job. But I must say once again this year that people seemed to have a very positive attitude toward me. And since our blogger friend hasn't written anything bad about me in a bit, I grudgingly accept that as progress. 

Mars: Give him time, Old Man. I'm sure he'll be back to slapping you around. I have every faith in him. And can I remind you that I'm STILL John's almuten?

Uranus: Saturn has to turn the thumbscrews in people's charts because he's always looking for more control. It's in Saturn's nature to cut off people's balls, right, Old Man? I sure would know...

Saturn: I beg your pardon, Uranus?

Uranus: Come on. You know what I mean! [chuckles]

Sun: Before this meeting gets too far off the rails, and unless people have other topics to propose, I have something I'd like to bring up.

Moon: Yes, sir. The floor is yours!

Neptune: [distant] Actually, it's mine. And it's so COOL! GROOVY. 

[Everyone looks at Neptune's chair, which is now empty]

Saturn: Neptune, it's hard to take you seriously, but it's practically impossible when you're lying on the floor!

[Everyone looks over at Neptune on the floor]

Sun: Well, before anyone decides to join Neptune on the floor, it's probably best to end here. The topic I had in mind requires more seriousness than we typically have in these meetings. Maybe I'll just send an email that most of you won't read. We're adjourned.

Saturn: I should never have gotten out of bed this morning. [SIGH] We were seven planets once, and everything was fine.

Neptune: Saturn, you may rule the joints, but you certainly aren't smoking enough of them. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

In Their Own Words: Focused on My Success

[knocking on hotel room door]

John: Who is it? [looks through the peephole]

The Magician: It is I, good sir, the Magician.

John: [opens door] OK, I’m confused. How did you know I was here?

The Magician: You’d be surprised at what I know. Can I come in?

John: Sure, why not? [Magician enters] So you know why I am here. Why are you here?

The Magician: Excellent question, good fellow. I’m here to remind you to prepare for your presentation on the tarot Friday morning. The more focused you are, the better you’ll perform. 

John: You guys don’t like, I don’t know, sending emails?

The Magician: I'm more inspiring to see me in the flesh, so to speak. 

John: I really don’t have time to talk to you right now. I’m here for the conference and I sort of have dinner plans. 

The Magician: Nonsense! I’m sure whoever it is can wait for a few minutes. You need to be downright impressive, John. I can help you blow them away on Friday. 

John: No pressure or anything, right? I didn’t mention needing assistance. What are you going to do, wave your magic wand and say "Speak well!"?

The Magician: [frowns] I was hoping you’d be a little more serious about this. If you screw up it makes all of us look bad, and that's not happening, not on my watch!

John: I don’t think you get it, sir. I really don’t. I have a schedule. I take appointments. People just don’t show up uninvited when I’m at a conference to “inspire” me. So that will explain at least some of my discontent. The other part of it would be the whole showing up and giving help that was unsolicited. That makes me angry and if you're looking for me to be confident, that's not the way to encourage me. 

The Magician: So in other words, you don’t want to be successful if it cuts into dinner time? That sounds like a cop-out to me. And don't try to tell me you're angry when people try to help. Tell me at least you're going to run it again before Friday, right? Remember, “proper planning prevents poor performance”!

John: Really, dude? You want to inspire me with…platitudes? 

The Magician: You can choose to listen to me or not, John. 

John: No, actually, if I want to be polite I sort of had to listen to you. No one can ever say I'm not polite when various and sundry archetypes come to visit me without asking first. So bottom line it for me, will you? I'm starving.

The Magician: Let nothing get in the way of your focused intent, John. Didn’t you ever hear that?

John: Well my focused intent is to walk my happy ass out this door and get some food with someone I’m meeting for the first time. That’s the action that I’m going to undertake. As long as you’re paying for your own part, you can come along. I haven’t sold enough books yet to pay for what would be a truly inspiring meal, I’m sure. 

The Magician: Totally unnecessary. I have no desire to join you and hear you and your friend talk in that astro-babble language I heard all over the lobby on my way in. 

John: Good! Then unless you’re going to magically put my clothes away, I suspect you’ll be leaving now.

The Magician: No one to pick up in this place, anyway. I’ll head over to the mall and hang outside the Lush store or Bath and Body Works. Chicks dig that stuff. 

John: [opens door] Happy hunting.

The Magician: See you again soon! [walks away]

John: I have got to stop telling people where I am on social media!

Saturday, October 29, 2016

In Their Own Words: Time for Tarot!

[Knocking at the door]

John: That must be Jupiter...he said he was coming over!

[Opens door]

Wheel of Fortune: Hi John! You were expecting someone else, yes?

John: Ummm...yes, I was actually. And you would be...?

Wheel of Fortune: Jupiter had a previous engagement. 

John: Let me repeat: And you would be...?

Wheel of Fortune: If you can't recognize ME by now, John, you'd better call Houston and tell them we have a very serious problem indeed!

John: I know who you are, but I don't normally have tarot cards showing up on my doorstep.

Wheel of Fortune: I suspect that it's time for that to change. And it's OK for the astrological planets to show up but not tarot cards?

John: I'm sort of used to them showing up by now, as crazy as that sounds. 

Wheel of Fortune: I'm sort of in a hurry, John. Are you going to invite me in?

John: Yeah, sure. Come on in.

[door closes]

John: So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

Wheel of Fortune: I have a message for you.

John: NO SHIT!

Wheel of Fortune: Don't be sarcastic! It doesn't suit you. Anyway, the tarot nominated me to come tell you that we want more time in your blog. For too long you've allowed astrology to dominate your thinking, so we believe it's time for a shift in direction.

John: The last time I checked, this was my blog and I get to decide what I write.

Wheel of Fortune: Well, you just wrote a book called In Their Own Words: The Major Arcana of the Tarot. You spent all the time writing about us and yet we don't appear regularly here? Sounds like an opportunity for change. 

John: Perhaps. But I'm not convinced.

Wheel of Fortune: And you haven't even promoted this book properly yet!

John: Now you hold on there, Mr. Destiny! I told myself that my blog would not become a constant vehicle for trying to sell the book. If that's all you've got to say...

Wheel of Fortune: You do want people to buy it, right?

John: Of course! I'd be honored for people to buy it.

Wheel of Fortune: Then let me take care of it for you.

John: [SIGH] Fine. [low voice] At least I don't have to tell YOU to "make it fast".

Wheel of Fortune: Don't mumble. It's beneath you! You told people they can buy the book at 13 Magickal Moons, right?

John: Yup. On October 29 and November 2, yes. And anytime after that when I'm in the shop. The store may also have some copies. 

Wheel of Fortune: Perfect. And what about your out of state people? People don't have time to travel to you necessarily. 

John: Well, Jen came up with a plan to handle that. 

Wheel of Fortune: This opportunity only knocks once, young man. You've got links up on the blog page for anyone who can't come in person. This is 2016, you know!

John: Yeah, I got that memo. People can go find the links here. They can buy it from Amazon, or they can buy it from Literary Cat Press directly and I will sign or personalize it for them. 

Wheel of Fortune: I've just got to tell you that it's about damn time that your book is done.

John: You're getting mildly irritating. Do you mind seeing yourself out?

Wheel of Fortune: Really? Just like that? I have another question. When's the next one coming?

John: [SIGH] [holds door open] Goodbye, sir. Or shall I start saying your name like they do on the game show?

Wheel of Fortune: PLEASE DON'T! You are a cruel man. But I'll be back. 

John: No doubt. 

Sunday, October 16, 2016

New Book and New Blog Site!

Hello everyone! I've been getting lots of questions about the new book and I figured I'd address them.

In Their Own Words: The Major Arcana of the Tarot should be available within the next few weeks. The final touches are being put on it and I can't wait to get the final proof in my hands and share it with all of you. I'll let you know when it's on Amazon and available for purchase. 

I'll be selling them at the Samhain Ritual on November 2 at 13 Magickal Moons and will be pleased and honored to sign your copy. Since Samhain is already a busy night, I suggest you come find me and get your copy earlier rather than later. For any of you attending SOTA in Buffalo in November, there will be copies for sale in the trade room, and I'll be happy to sign those in between lectures.

I will also be doing tarot readings on three different occasions during the Haunted Tours of Rockledge Mansion that are happening later this month. I'll be reading the nights of October 23, 27, and 28. These dates are in addition to my dates at 13 Magickal Moons on October 29 and November 2. No one will ever accuse me of being a slouch, right?

Finally, you may have noticed I changed the blog site. The new site is Please make a note of it. We're trying to find a way to get the one site to re-direct to the other, but please update your bookmarks so you don't miss any of the wacky misadventures of the astrological planets. 

NOTE: For the record, it's likely Saturn will balk at what he perceives to be a sincere mischaracterization of his activities, but I'm sure he'll take that up with me privately. 

I think that's it for now, good people! Hope you are enjoying your October, and thanks as always for your time and support. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Mercury Hits Pay Dirt: John's New Book Cover Revealed!

[Mercury runs up to Jupiter's front door]

Mercury:  Jupiter! Are you home?

Jupiter: Mercury! What are you doing here?

Mercury: Remember you asked me to find out about John's book?

Jupiter: What? That makes no sense! Merc, you told me there wasn't any said he had a bunch of them half done. And shouldn't you be out of breath?

Mercury: When I'm going forward I'm pretty damn fast anyway, Jove. Can I come in?

Jupiter: Sure. [holds door for Mercury]

Mercury: Thanks! [Door closes] You told me to go look at John's Erin Condren planner, and I snuck a peek the one day while he was at work. I didn't find anything there, so that was a bust.

Jupiter: [confused look] So? I question the necessity of you running all the way here just to tell me THAT, Merc. I just picked up South Park and Philosophy. So far it's pretty good...and now you're keeping me from it. So if there's nothing else...?

Mercury: Jupiter, do you really think I would come all the way down here just to tell you that? I'd have texted you.

Jupiter: Good point, fact face. So speaking of points, you do have one, right?

Mercury: My point was to tell you that if you could stop the witty repartee for a few minutes and LISTEN to me, there IS a book and I have the proof. 

Jupiter: [mouth drops open] Excuse me?

Mercury: I wasn't going to put this in an email or text message. Ready to believe me now?

Jupiter: [stares at pictures] HOLY. SHIT. In Their Own Words: The Major Arcana of the Tarot. THAT SCORPIO SONOFABITCH! He never said a WORD to me!

Mercury: Me either! But now we know. John needs to stop leaving his screen unlocked. And no, I don't have any other information right now. No release date, but it's likely soon. No excerpt. Nothing. But I thought you should know.

Jupiter: Merc, I owe you BIG TIME for this one. Everyone's going to hear about this fucking book!

Mercury: You can take it from here, Mr. Expansive. Have a wonderful day!

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Musings from the Moon...and Jupiter!

Moon: Hello everyone...Lady Moon here! Looks like I'll get the opportunity to start off this blog tonight. [Opens Erin Condren planner] So it's been a few weeks since John's been on, and I figured I'd take the opportunity to come aboard and give my two cents. Normally I don't do these sorts of things without a full meeting...too public and all...but I guess I can every once in a while. 

Jupiter: I'm an old hand at this, Lady Moon! Just follow my lead and you'll do just fine. 

Moon: Thanks for the enthusiasm and support, Jove. So let's get down to business. Our esteemed blogger has survived his time without his beloved. She returned and everything is right in his world. Well, mostly, anyway.

Jupiter: Dude, the guy just needs to let loose and have some fun. Saturn has got him by the fucking balls, and I...

Moon: Jupiter, PLEASE. We're not taking the opportunity to disparage other planets.

Jupiter: I'm not disparaging anyone, Lady. It's just who that stubborn bastard IS. And he is John's ruling planet, after all. It's such a shame he wasn't born just a few hours would have been ME.

Moon: Well, Jupiter, he wasn't. John has to live with his chart the way it is, and he's been doing that for quite some time. He often writes in his astrology class #ilovemychart for that reason. I mean...Saturn rules John's Moon position, so he's been dealing with that for a while and learning how to work with me better all the time.

Jupiter: Saturn is still a huge dick, even though his own isn't really...

Moon: [SIGH] Jupiter, do I need to do this on my own? Or can you behave yourself?

Jupiter: No, ma'am. I'll try to conduct myself in a matter more befitting my station. Or some shit like that.

Moon: Indeed you will. [PAUSE] Anyway, my point in all this is that our favorite blogger's been a little off lately. He's been struggling a little with me and I'm guessing it's because he's been working too much.

Jupiter: And which planet's fault would that be?

Moon: JOVE! What did I ask you to do?

Jupiter: It was SATURN the prick's fault!  He's always behind that shit. 

Moon: Jupiter, it's time for you to go. 

Jupiter: But, Lady Moon!

Moon: That's your third strike, young man. OUT!

[Jupiter leaves]

Moon: [sadly shakes head] Anyway, our intrepid blogger has been struggling a little lately and I suspect it's because he's been working too much. I believe he's referred to it as burnout. So he is officially on vacation as of tonight. The next time he'll be reading is October 8 at the shop, although he'll be teaching before that. I know he's particularly excited for a new set of tarot students. [Flips through Erin Condren planner]. Oh damn, now I have to do Jupiter's part as well. That's just the part that he never seems to get to about readings and charts being awesome and amazing and a fantastic gift as well as an important part of John's tarot business. 

[Jupiter opens the door]

Jupiter: Lady Moon, can I PLEASE come back in and finish?

Moon: [Glares at Jupiter] Fine. You may. But no more funny business, Mister!

Jupiter: Yes, ma'am. Our blogger is going on vacation to the west coast where he will perform that most solemn of Jupiter duties, a marriage ceremony for two dear friends. And since he's only been to this place once, I'm considering it one of my trips.

Moon: He desperately needs a vacation, Jupiter, so I hope it's different and exotic. 

Jupiter: It sure will be. I've also encouraged Neptune to help John enjoy the vacation with some tiki libations! That man deserves to party.

Moon: Well, I certainly hope he'll have the opportunity to do so.

Jupiter: Me too! He gets more like Saturn when he doesn't have fun. 


Jupiter: Sorry, ma'am...but he does!

Moon: Well, just for that I'm not telling you about John's progress on one of his books. 

Jupiter: Wait...what?

Moon: Sorry, Jupiter. That's all we have time for.

Jupiter: I never realized you could be so cruel, Lady Moon!

Moon: Emotions can get that way sometimes, young man. Perhaps you'll learn your lesson eventually.