Saturday, December 31, 2016

Happy New Year from Pluto and Mars

Mars: Shrimpie! How the fuck are you doin'?

Pluto: How many times have I asked you not to call me that, dickhead?

Mars: [chuckles] Does it matter?

Pluto: It will when I slash the tires on your 86 Corvette, asshole. 

Mars: Dude, you need to chill and learn to take a joke. 

Pluto: The joke's on you when you wear that clingy body suit to work out. It's not going to increase the size of your package to show it to the world!

Mars: Chicks dig me in that body suit!

Pluto: Weren't we supposed to be here doing something for John? I told him I would as a favor to him. 

Mars: For me, it's community service for fucking up the gift for his anniversary a while back. I owe him big. 

Pluto: Anyway, what Bam-Bam here is trying to say is that we're here to...

Mars: Dude, I know what we're here for!

Pluto: [glares] Mars, was I talking to you?

Mars: FINE. And dude, that stare is some scary shit.

Pluto: One of the reasons John sent me tonight is that for many of you, nuking 2016 seems like a great idea. So he asked me to come give this year a proper sendoff. And the reason he sent Mars is because Mars fucked up.

Mars: I should be off getting some, man. And I'll be busy soon with all the people who will start going to the gym in the next week! Woo hooo! Go me!

Pluto: My apologies, good people. My erectile friend has apparently not allowed the reason for this message to penetrate the thick skull of his extremely small brain. So it will fall to me to wish you a very New Year 2017. 

Mars: Wait a second--"very new"? How can it be "very new"?

Pluto: Because the old year really sucked for so many people, I'm highlighting the fact that the new year is a clean slate, just like a building that has been razed and no trace of the old structure is left. In this case, however, we'll skip the nuclear winter. 

Mars: [confused] Sure, whatever, Pluto. Did you say what John told you to say? 

Pluto: Not totally, my Cro-magnon pal. Actions speak louder than words. John would like to take a moment to thank all of you for supporting him, reading his blog, blah blah know the drill. He also published a book but since it wasn't about me, I don't really give a shit. 

Mars: Did John tell people to work out more in the new year?

Pluto: [scans papers] Nope, I'm not seeing it here. 

Mars: Good! That fat bastard shouldn't be telling other people to get to the gym anyway! Have you seen him recently?

Pluto: Mars, you are the reason we can't have nice things!

Mars: What do ya mean? He needs to go more!

Pluto: That was a dick thing to say. John's one of ours! And he goes at least 3 times a week. 

Mars: If he was serious he'd double that!

Pluto: [rolls eyes] Thanks for tuning in, dear readers. In a few short hours, 2016 will be nothing but a memory. My advice: Time to bulldoze what you no longer need and start fresh. Nuke the shit out of everything and embrace 2017.

Mars: Are we done? Can I go now?

Pluto: Yes, asshat, get the fuck out of here. 

[Mars exits]

Pluto: I wonder if tonight will be the night when Mars finds out I replaced his lubricant with Icy Hot ointment! Well, we'll all probably hear about it when it happens. I feel a little bad for whoever his partner is, but I'm sure I'll get over it. 

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Shameful Marketing from Saturn

Early greetings of the solstice to all of you! 

Since John has kept his promise of not attempting to sully my already challenged reputation over the past few months, I volunteered to come on and address what I consider John's annual shameful attempt to market his services. He calls it "shameless marketing", but a solid business speaks for itself and does not require pandering, in my humble opinion.

My purpose tonight is twofold: The first is to remind you that my time of year is coming. I'm the only classical sign ruler with two signs in a row, namely Capricorn and Aquarius. This was of course before the advent of "modern" astrology and its desire, for reasons I cannot fathom, to hand off rulership of Aquarius to Uranus. As much as I respect Urnie as a colleague, he just doesn't have the stability or consistency that it takes to be a sign ruler. But I digress. 

I hope that you will remember me during your many and varied solstice celebrations. Back in the day it was Saturnalia, and to co-opt a popular phrase, I hope you will "keep Saturn in Saturnalia" by showing decorum, dignity, and respect for everyone during this time. There's nothing quite like a nice, quiet holiday get-together this time of year, no matter what other planets who will remain nameless might tell you. Out of respect for them, I won't name them here, but they might have all sorts of wild, aberrant suggestions for celebrations that you should probably ignore.

The second and by far least important purpose of my visit tonight is to tell you that John would be honored and humbled if you asked him to read cards or do a chart or two for you or your loved ones during this season of Saturnalia. He has a long way to go in both areas to be considered proficient, but my reports tell me he's at least adequate most of the time. To be honest, if he stopped reading cards he'd have more time to study astrology, which he can definitely use. 

For those of you who buy into the myth that John may have some sort of "universal insights" using cards--it sounds crazy just thinking about it!--I have it on good authority that his next time performing said activity will be the evening of December 21, the evening of the solstice, and by far the most respected date on the astrological calendar as the Sun will enter Capricorn. His community will be celebrating the solstice and you will be warmly welcomed. 

For those of you looking for other dates during Capricorn and Aquarius, he will also be reading cards on January 14 and 21, 2017.

I hope you have not wasted too much of your time reading this shameful attempt at mercenary behavior on John's part. But please accept my most dignified and restrained greetings as you enter my time of the astrological year. May you and yours have the discipline to do so in moderation. 

Io, Saturnalia!

Saturnalia blessings to all!


Thursday, December 8, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Solstice Decorating Party!

[Neptune knocks on Venus' door]

Venus: Neptune! Fashionably late as usual! Please come in. We're about to start on the tree.

Neptune:'s so great to see you! [hugs Venus] I look forward to parties at your house!

Venus: [blushes] Well, what could be better than celebrating the upcoming solstice together?

Pluto: [low voice] Laying waste to large groups of people. Razing buildings. Starting over. All of these things would be better.

Saturn: I'm sorry, Pluto...could you repeat that? I couldn't hear over all the frivolity.

Pluto: Never mind, Old Man. I hate enforced "team building" activities.

Sun: Oh, come on, Pluto! A little holiday cheer won't kill you. [to the Moon] Come on, Luna...we have to put the lights on first!

Moon: Of course, Sol. [takes one end of the string and hands the rest to the Sun] Go around the back and I'll make sure it doesn't get tangled like last year.

Uranus: No trips to the ER tonight, folks!

Mars: Unlike last year when you slipped on your way out the door and had a groin pull? I told you if you stretched more you wouldn't have been laid up for so long.

Uranus: It was an accident, Mars. Accidents happen.

Mercury: Statistically it happens more when you're around, Urnie. I checked! [Pause] Jupiter, you have the ornaments, right?

Jupiter: Yeah, I brought them.

Venus: Which ones did you bring, Jupiter? There was this amazing solar system ornament set from the IFLScience Store, and it had a glass ornament for each of us! Totally amazing but way out of my price range.

Saturn: I'd go so far as to say those ornaments were exorbitant, Venus, although I will say that they appear to be very high quality indeed.

Jupiter: Well it just so happens that I bought the usual balls and the like...

Mars: Did you bring any BLUE balls, Jupiter? HAHAHAHA!

Pluto: [low voice] Not like yours are, Chairman of Masturbatory Operations.

Jupiter: ...but I also happened to buy these as well! It's the solar system ornament set from the IFLScience Store!

Venus: Wow, Jupiter! This is an amazing gift! How did you afford it?

Jupiter: You only live once, Venus, and I make it a point not to look at my credit card bill online until after the holidaze.

[Saturn shakes head]

Sun: Wow, Jupiter. [picks up the sun ornament] These are amazing and gorgeous! I think mine will have to be on the front of the tree toward the top.

Moon: Mine will be on the opposite side of the tree, Sol. And we need everyone's attention for a moment!

[talking and activity ceases]

Moon: Sol, would you do the honors? [hands light string plug to the Sun]

Sun: Absolutely, dear lady. Here goes! [plugs in the lights and the tree turns a brilliant light blue color]
[Everyone oohs and aahs over lights]

Sun: Luna, why are they BLUE? I thought they were going to be multicolored.

Moon: There's a switch, Sol, and they CAN be multicolored, but I prefer a nice blue. Don't you?
Sun: Well, actually I...

Venus: [interrupts] It's lovely, Luna! Thanks so much! Let's head into the dining room, everyone! The first round of starters is coming out of the oven!

Mars: Hot dogs in crescent rolls, baby! The snack of champions!

[Everyone goes into the other room except Saturn and Pluto]

Saturn: You can't possibly hate being here as much as I do.

Pluto: You have no idea, you old bastard. If we weren't required to be here, I'd so be getting laid right now. [nods toward dining room] Now let's get in there before Mars the neanderthal sucks it all down.

Saturn: Check with Neptune. He always has alcohol, and that will make it easier to handle the obligatory festivities.

Pluto: Agreed.