Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Letters from Saturn: Bedlam, Pure Bedlam

Dear Sir, 

I hope you've received my previous dispatches from down here. I take a lot of time documenting my visitations and expect that my efforts are not going to waste.

Things down here, to not put too fine a point on it, are bedlam, pure bedlam. Let me assure you that I'm doing my level best, but in addition to being in retrograde right now, I'm also stuck in Sagittarius. I hate belonging to that outgoing, expansive bastard Jupiter; he's just not like me at all. I will, of course, continue to do my duty, but when I'm in this state it seems like it's two steps forward and three steps back. And efficiency and effectiveness are totally foreign concepts as I struggle to be in this sign that can never say no and always wants more. I don't have any idea how he can LIVE like this!

As I sit back and think about it, maybe it's best that I'm in Sagittarius for a while longer, because I don't honestly think I could get much work done at all with all of the chaos. You just can't count on a damn thing these days. 

You asked me about how the world governments are doing, and frankly, on closer inspection, the damage is even worse than I anticipated. There will need to be a long, slow period of improvement so everyone is playing on the same sheet of music. And make sure to tell Lady Venus to continue to work her magic, because people down here don't feel so much with the unity right now...unless you count unity of one group against another. 

I did happen to drop in on John, and it won't surprise you to hear that he's woolgathering again. He was supposed to already have his second tarot book out, and my sources tell me he's not even halfway done. He should plan for a September release at this rate. I may have to ask Mercury to help with another internet outage. That will stop him from playing that stupid Cities: Skylines game during his "free time." And he had to go and get the mass transit expansion pack! Maybe if he used a timer...

And don't even get me started about how few blogs he puts out. Two a month? Sol, you need to talk to him! No one is going to take him seriously. 

Anyway, I think that's about all from here. I should be back in the office around August 25 or so.

Yours Truly,


Saturday, May 13, 2017

First-Time Attendee Discount for the State of the Art (SOTA) Conference in October!

Jupiter: Hello everyone! John's asked us to come do his dirty work again. At least this time they paired me with the King of Misinformation himself, Mercury! We're here to talk about the State of the Art Astrology Conference, October 19-23, 2017, in Buffalo, NY. 

Mercury: Jove, don't think I didn't notice that mistake you made. 

Jupiter: Which was...?

Mercury: King of "Mis-Information"? I think what you meant was "Chief Information Officer of the Zodiac."

Jupiter: Dude, you just got back from retrograde, which was a total cluster fuck, and you want to get all high and mighty? And Saturn is supposed to be the title king. What do you care?

Mercury: As we've stated many times, Jupiter, I don't "care." I just don't want the public to be misinformed.

Jupiter: Whatever. John sent us out here to let people know about SOTA. 

Mercury: Yes, so let me give the people information before you tell them how much they can learn. Sound good?

Jupiter: [SIGH] Sure, Doctor Propaganda. Go for it!

Mercury: You should talk. [PAUSE] Anyway, good people, if you haven't come to the SOTA Astrology Conference, it's a fantastic way to get lots of information in a short time on many astrological and other metaphysical topics. All aspects of astrology, as well as mediumship, tarot, and other divination topics have all made their appearance in years past.

Jupiter: That's right, Mr. Just-The-Facts-Ma'am! Lots and lots of higher learning going on. And our favorite blogger...[to Mercury] do we have to say that? I mean, IS he our favorite blogger? What does that even mean?

Mercury: What my philosophical pillock of a partner is trying particularly poorly to profess is that our favorite blogger, John, has been presenting for the past few years at this conference, and the 2017 meeting is no exception!  He'll be speaking on learning the tarot through pop culture. 

Jupiter: I'm still not convinced he's my favorite blogger, but let's put that aside for now. 

Mercury: If you've never attended SOTA before, ladies and gentlemen, this is the year to give it a shot. We've been authorized to offer first-time attendees a discount! 

Jupiter: That's a great philosophy for bringing new folks into what's already a fantastic event, Merc. 

Mercury: The details about this offer are that if you are a first-time SOTA attendee and register by May 31, by check, your full conference registration will cost only $100. 

Jupiter: Damn, that's cheap! 

Mercury: It is less than the standard conference registration, Jupiter, and while it doesn't include any extras like lunches, it does include all of the general sessions of the three-day event.

Jupiter: [frowns] You're taking all the joy out of this for me, man. Haven't you ever heard of "marketing," Merc? 

Mercury: Not at the expense of facts, Jove. So let me finish, and then you can wax rhapsodic about it. [PAUSE] Anyway, if you're at all interested, here's how to proceed: Send your check for $100 by May 31 to:

Full Circle Seminars
35 Brock St., Suite #1405
Hamilton, ON, L8L 4L7

Mercury: Also, please make sure to tell them John sent you. That's a fact, whether or not he's your favorite blogger. But I'm sure HE hopes that he is. 

Jupiter: Damn straight. Even though I don't know any other bloggers...

Mercury: Jove, wait for the fine print. There are only 20 of these things. And when they're gone, this offer will end. 

Jupiter: It's time to get your learn on! Haul ass to Buffalo this October 19-23 for the SOTA Astrology Conference. Click the link for more details. 

Mercury: I think that's it, Jove. I'm off to another appointment. [leaves]

Jupiter: That little motherfucker has no soul whatsoever! He didn't even talk about all the astrologers that you can meet in such a small setting. That's the best part and Mr. Clinical didn't say a word about it! I'm going to have to talk with John about who he partners me up with...