Tuesday, January 31, 2017

In Their Own Words: A Royal Visit

[Knocking on door]

John: [gets up] Who the fuck is knocking on my door this late? [walks to door] Can I help you?

Female voice [heard through door]: I'm a traveling Lula Roe saleswoman and thought you might like some leggings. 

John: [turns around and calls upstairs] Jen? Are you expecting anyone to sell us Lula Roe at this time of night?

Jen: [faintly from couch] Ummmm nope. I wouldn't open the door...sounds like bullshit to me.

John: Hmmmm. I've gotta look. 

[John opens door and looks out on a man and a woman wearing bright royal robes and carrying torches]

John: [SIGH] Maryland or Pennsylvania?

King of Wands: Sir, what are you talking about?

John: You're obviously looking for the Renaissance Faire. Isn't it a little early in the year? And what sort of leggings are you selling?

Queen of Wands: We're not selling leggings, John. Heavens no! And we're not looking for a faire. We're the Queen and King of Wands, and we're here to inspire you.

John: Oh for fuck's sake!

King: I BEG your pardon?

John: I am SO not in the mood for this tonight. 

Queen: We waited specifically until you were back from your trip to come by. Was it fun?

John: Yes, but I'm sort of tired and I don't normally receive visitors late at night. And be careful with the fire...those bushes will go up in a heartbeat!

King of Wands: I demand to know why you haven't started the next tarot book yet!

John: DEMAND? Step off, your Highness. I've been sort of busy.

Queen of Wands: Don't talk that way to my husband! We're trying to do you a favor. 

John: Sounds like an ego trip more like. You want me to start this book because you two are in it! 

King of Wands: Of course! It will put all of your other books to shame. 

Queen of Wands: You can inspire many with your words!

John: [holds up a hand] I started it earlier tonight. Will that suffice?

King of Wands: Oh really? That's awfully convenient! How do we know you're telling the truth?

John: Trust me, your Highnesses. Or don't. But I haven't got time to debate it with you. My bed is calling me.

[The Queen of Wands opens her mouth to speak]

John: I don't give out delivery dates, your Highness, so don't bother asking. Now take your finery and your fire and please fuck off!

[John slams door]

Queen of Wands: Spirited young man, isn't he? [smiles]

King of Wands: Indeed. Let us adjourn to order our car service.

Queen of Wands: Next time I'll just say I'm selling Thin Mints. No one ever turns down those...they're just wafer thin...

[They walk away]

Jen: [from upstairs] Who was that?

John: Some asshats who can't find their way to the Ren Faire, honey. That's all. 

Jen: Were they really selling Lula Roe?

John: No, honey. I'd rather not talk about it. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Chaos and Disorder

Moon: Folks, if you could all take your seats...

Saturn: Where's the Sun, Lady Moon?

Moon: [frowns] He's a little...delayed at the moment. Has anyone seen Jupiter?

Venus: No, but I know he hasn't been feeling himself lately. Too much going on.

Saturn: Lady, will we see the Sun today?

Mercury: Technically, every human on the earth has that same question each morning, Saturn.

Uranus: It's true. Luckily we get to see him all the time!

Venus: Is there a reason why you're so insistent, Saturn? Lady Moon has run meetings before.

Saturn: That's not really the point, Venus. I have a lot on my plate right now and I'd really like to get back to it. 

[Jupiter walks through the door]

Jupiter: Is the mighty Saturn feeling thwarted? Well, doesn't THAT suck?

Pluto: Looks like someone drank my Kool-Aid, or some of yours, Bam-Bam. Not sure which yet.

Mars: Fuckin' dickhead! I told you not to call me that!

Saturn: [to Jupiter] Do we have a problem, Jupiter? I wasn't aware...

Jupiter: Have you looked at the earth recently, Old Man? Of course we have a fucking problem! And it's getting so bad you don't even need to pull your head out of your saggy ass to see it!

Mars: [to Pluto] $20 bucks on Jove!

Pluto: [shakes Mars' hand] I'll take that bet!

Saturn: Jupiter, please, there's no need to...

Jupiter: Do you have any idea how fucking busy I've been because you haven't been fulfilling your obligations?

[Saturn stands up]

Venus: Uh oh.

Moon: Um, gentlemen, if we could table this discussion. Please. I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

Saturn: I believe I'm holding myself back admirably, Lady Moon. Obviously Jupiter has no idea what he's talking about. He doesn't seem to understand the philosophy, if you will, about what I'm trying to do. [to Jupiter] Just admit that you don't and we can drop this right now.

Jupiter: [mouth drops open] You miserable motherfucking establishment PRICK!

Saturn: My incredible disappointment is a drop in the bucket compared to the way I feel about you right now, sir. [Pause] You don't know what I've been up against the past few weeks. And you show no control by coming in here with insults and accusations. If I was in your position right now, I'd withdraw from this ridiculous altercation before you die from embarrassment. I am deliberately trying not to prolong it. [sits down]

Jupiter: [moving toward Saturn's seat] Well isn't that just fucking dandy! The astrological planet in control of the world's governments, ladies and gentlemen. And what a STELLAR FUCKING JOB you've been doing at it lately! Bravo! [starts slow clap]

Venus: Jupiter, step off. You're not being fair to Saturn at all.

Jupiter: [turns to Venus] Oh don't tell me you're taking HIS SIDE in all this! You of all planets!

Venus: [walking slowly toward Jupiter, speaking quietly] I understand how you must feel, Jupiter. I really do. But there are no sides in this. [hugs Jupiter] 

Jupiter: [starts crying] Damn you, Venus...look at me now!

Venus: It's not his fault. He has many faults, but he's not responsible for everything that's going on.

Saturn: Venus is right, Jupiter. I'm just as angry and upset as you are. How do you think I feel when nothing goes according to plan?

Jupiter: But you're acting normally. 

Saturn: What is it that Spock said..."I am emotionally compromised"? Don't ask me to repeat it because I never will.

Pluto: Yeah, well...that's nothing new if you consider emotional repression "compromised". 

Moon: [Gently] Pluto, please. [Opening Erin Condren planner] I'm cancelling for today. We'll reschedule this meeting; I think all of you need a break. We're adjourned. 

[Neptune walks through the door]

Neptune: Sorry I'm late...what did I miss?

Pluto: [To Neptune] DUDE. [To Mars] Pay up, Bam-Bam. The Old Man won!

Mars: No fair! Venus disarmed him!

Pluto: Cash, bitch. Now. 

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Letters from Venus: Humanity Rises to the Challenge

Hello everyone! Venus here. I know you haven't heard much from me recently, and for that you have my sincere apologies. Things sometimes get so ugly there on earth that I just don't feel like talking much. Harmony hasn't been the rule of the day recently, either. I'm sure you understand. Too much ugliness and no harmony makes for a very unhappy Venus. I was struggling with the eternal question: What's a woman to do?

But on Saturday, I got an answer to that question. It was a resounding, full-throated roar from millions of women around the world who stood up in defiance of those who would call us second-class citizens, or treat us that way. It was a glorious global movement that reminded all of us that the rights of all people--any gender, national origin, sexual orientation, religion, or immigration status--are the most fundamental that we have and that each person is entitled to them without question.

I cried tears of joy at what I saw. So many people--men and women alike--came out to remind world governments that they will not be silenced. And they did so in a peaceful way, without violence, without bloodshed, and without bedlam. Sure, it was a little chaotic--this movement did shut down cities worldwide because of its sheer numbers!--but from the reports I'm seeing, people felt great about what they did. And they should! It was amazing.

It's easy to get down on human beings. The universe knows how much trouble they cause in their quest to fulfill their ego needs--power and the like. And to be fair, all of us up here can share in the blame, including yours truly. Much of what people do is motivated by love or money, and I'm a big part of both of those. But honestly, those us up here can only nudge you in certain ways, sometimes through your natal chart positions and oftentimes through transits throughout your lives. But in the end, those choices are yours and yours alone.

Anyway, what made me so happy this past weekend is that human beings chose to support each other, and they did it in such a global way that emphasized togetherness and not divisions. I was so proud of everyone--those who marched, those who protected the marchers from harm, and those who supported them.

Here's to hoping that this spirit of human kindness and cooperation can continue in the face of the pervasive inequality that exists in the world. May the leaders of the world realize the obligation they have to their people and address these problems instead of enacting policies to exacerbate them. Sounds like I'll need to have a chat with Saturn about that, right?

Cooperation. Kindness. Compassion. Love. I can nudge you in the right direction, good people, but you need to take it a step further, just like you did this past weekend. Please keep it up!



PS: So I'm sort of going retrograde in early March, but let's not talk about that right now...thanks for understanding.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Ghosting: The Domain of the High Priestess

One of the amazing things about the tarot is its evolution for our times as a divinatory tool. I made an interesting connection during a client reading this weekend and wanted to share it with all of you. 

Likely you know what ghosting is. Even though you may not be able to define it, it's likely happened to you at some point. 

First, let's make sure we're all on the same page. An interesting article from the Huffington Post defines ghosting this way:

“Ghosting” is when someone you’re dating ends the relationship by cutting off all communication, without any explanation. And we’re not talking about not getting a text back after one awkward OKCupid date, but receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates, or when you’re in a committed relationship. And while this post focuses on romantic relationships, it’s worth noting that ghosting can also happen — no less painfully — in platonic friendships as well.

It's a really unsettling experience that often leaves a person wondering just what the hell went wrong. And it's really hard to know what to DO about it; sometimes people even years later will sit there and wonder what happened to the other person, hoping for closure that they may never receive. 

The High Priestess appeared in a pile regarding friends and acquaintances, and it turns out this client did have a friend who recently just up and disappeared from her life without any additional contact, and without a word about what went wrong. 

One of the important themes the High Priestess can show is the idea of mystery. You don't know what happened. At the same time, it reinforces another High Priestess theme, inaction. Since there's nothing you can really do to make a person contact you, even if you try to contact that person you may never find out. You're forced to wait and see, and accept that you have no control over the other person's actions. 

Anyway, I hope you'll add ghosting to your palette of meanings or themes surrounding the High Priestess. 

I'm also inspired and humbled that the tarot can continue to surprise and delight me after 27 years. No matter how long you've been studying, I hope it does the same for you, too!

Monday, January 2, 2017

Dear Mercury, You Consummate Motherfucker...

Your latest retrograde period is in full swing, and already we are starting to see the effects down here. And as you can likely tell by the title of this blog, I'm less than impressed with your ability to function effectively right now.

I just leased a new car. Unfortunately, it has a scratch on it that the dealership says they will fix. So my salesperson--we'll call him "S"--asks me to contact him so I can set it up. I do that, and we arrange for me to come in before Xmas for the repair. 

When I show up at around 7:45, I notice I'm behind a long line of cars waiting for service and there doesn't appear to be anyone working. So I park my car and head into the service bay, where a very harried service coordinator--let's call him "T"--explains that he's the only one around right now and asks if we can wait in the lounge. So the three of us waiting there for him traipse into the next room and grab chairs. 

About 20 minutes passes and another employee--I thought another service coordinator, and we'll call him "A"--came in to ask us if anyone was just doing oil changes, and no one replied. Then a few minutes later he asked us if we needed the shuttle service. Once again, no reply. 

Five minutes later he returns and asks if I'm next. Seeing that I am, I go back into the service bay with him. He asks me where my car is and then takes the key to go get it.

He returns and asks me if I'm waiting for the car, and I tell him that I'm getting a loaner. His reply: "Who told you that?"
"My salesperson, S." 
"A loaner for an oil change?"
"I'm not here for an oil change. I'm here for scratch repair." 
"Oh, ok. Well, then you'll have to see T," and points over to his office. I guess A just assumed that's why I was there, even though when he asked us earlier I did NOT raise my hand. 

So now I'm waiting for T in the service bay and a mechanic comes out to take my car back. He has an exchange with A that I didn't quite hear and then drives off with my car. 

T finishes with his client, comes out of his office and asks if I've been helped. I explain that I'm not here for an oil change and that A told me to see him. He looks frustrated/pissed off/exasperated and turns to A. 

"A, where is his car?" 
"They brought it back. I didn't know it wasn't an oil change." [Actually, you DID know when they came to get it, asshole!]
"Did you see the scratch?"
"No, I didn't."
T seems really irritated now. "Where are the keys?"
A gestures. "Cashier's office."
T apologizes to me and strides off to get my keys. Shortly he comes back through the service area; he's clearly on a mission. 

Once T leaves the area, a second service coordinator comes up to A at his desk generally being useless. "A, you are NOT going to pull this shit all day!" A starts protesting and complaining. At one point he refers to me; I guess he thought he was out of earshot. "This guy says he's getting a loaner and I don't even know how to do that." More bitching ensues and lasts another minute or so. 

T drives my car into the bay and gets out. I show him the scratch in question. Since the paint is involved in the scratch, he says he's going to need the paint guys for this. "I'm aware of that," I reply since S already told me that when I got the car.

We go into the office, and he pulls me up on the computer. I tell him that a loaner was scheduled for me and that the painters would be here today. 
"Who told you that?" 
"My salesperson, S." [I'm thinking...is this Groundhog Day or some shit? Didn't I just have this exchange?!?]
"Well, there's no appointment for you in the computer." 

In other words, my salesperson, S,  told no one that I'd be coming that day. S didn't tell anyone anything. I apologize. T tells me it's their fault and asks if I need this done today. I tell him it's not vital to have it done immediately, and he suggests that he set up an appointment for me right before the new year so he can make sure the paint guys will be there and the job can get done. Or he can try to get the painters in today and get it done. 

At this point, Merc, you have fucked me over so hard that I'm not risking giving my car to them today only for him to tell me at 5 that he can't get it done. So I tell him to reschedule me, get my keys, and go to work. By 9:00 am, I get to work, and I just had to laugh my ass off. I could have been livid, but despite the fuckery of A, T clearly tried his best to resolve the situation. You fucked T over too, by the way, a nice guy just trying to do his job. 

So all in all, you cost me a few hours of time, and I had to stay late at work. And no, it's still not done. At this point, I'm probably going to wait until it's all over and you're moving forward again. As long as they're paying for the repair, it can wait. 

But still...fuck you very much for wasting my time and sowing confusion!



Update: The date they wanted me to come in came and went with no communication from them. I guess waiting was the right call after all!