Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Mercury vs. Jupiter: The Final Verdict

[Jupiter enters the Sun's office suite to find Venus sitting at the Moon's desk.]

Jupiter: Hey Venus! I'm here for my appointment with the Sun.

Venus: Good morning! He's not back from Orlando yet, so you'll be meeting with the Moon today.

Jupiter: Wait...the MOON is going to decide this?

Venus: Of course! You don't have a problem with that, do you?

Jupiter: Well, no, of course not! I'm just...surprised; that's all.

Venus: The Sun decided that he didn't want to make you wait for a decision any longer than you already had, Jove. So he asked the Moon to handle this matter in his absence.

Jupiter: Fantastic! I'd like to get this resolved before John goes back to school again. Is Mercury here yet?

Venus: No, but here he is now. Hi, Merc!

Hi, Jupiter. Hi Venus! Is the Moon ready for us?

Venus: Yes, she is. You both can go right in.

[Both enter Lady Moon's office]

Moon: Good morning, gentlemen. Shut the door, please.

[Jupiter shuts the door and sits down]

Moon: Thank you both for coming. The Sun is still in Orlando, but I hope he'll be back by the end of the week. In the meantime, I'll be acting in his stead, and he didn't see any reason to delay what he sees as a routine matter. Jupiter...perhaps you'd like to start by telling us why you feel so strongly about it.

Jupiter: Yes, Lady. Our favorite blogger often goes on trips related to his astrology education, and I don't think that they should fall under Mercury's purview. This is clearly a higher education matter, and I want to make sure it's on the record that I rule these trips now.

Mercury: Jupiter, while I comprehend your point of view, this is pure logic at work. If a person returns to a particular place more than once, it's not an adventure anymore, and it becomes routine. And routine travel matters are my purview. John's been to Cincinnati twice now; that first trip was one of discovery, so it went to you. But now that John travels there regularly, that's my area.

Jupiter: I don't trust you to handle this, Merc. You led John astray big time! He almost didn't make it to all of his commitments during that January trip, and yet you want me to be held responsible for it.

Mercury: You sound like Saturn now. John's obligations are none of your concern. I'll admit that I sent him the wrong data about the route, given the geography of the area and the time of year. But you're the one who said that it was an adventure, and it sure was. John did do everything he needed and wanted to do, but it wasn't easy. I'll ensure that doesn't happen again on my watch.

Jupiter: That's just not fair. It's a long-distance trip! That's my area. He's going to COLLEGE in Cincinnati, people. 
This is a no-brainer! I don't get why this is so hard!

Moon: Mercury, could you please let Jupiter and I chat privately for a moment?

Mercury: Sure, Lady Moon. Sorry, Jupiter!

[Mercury leaves and closes the door behind him. The Moon frowns and blushes slightly]

Jupiter: 'Sorry'? What did he mean by 'sorry'?

Moon: I know how passionately you feel about this, Jupiter. I truly do. But John's Cincinnati trips are Mercury's area now.

Jupiter: And why do I get the feeling you had already made up your mind before I came in here?

Moon: You would be right. Your feelings don't override logic this time, Jupiter.

Jupiter: Lady Moon, this is incredibly important to me.

Moon: I understand. And I'll be the first one to tell you that emotion can override logic, and sometimes not in a positive way. But it doesn't make sense this time. I'm very sorry.

Jupiter: And why didn't you jump in and say anything while we were talking? I thought I had a chance!

Moon: I'm a better listener than I am a talker, Jove. And I wanted you to have the opportunity to be heard; that was important to me.

Jupiter: I appreciate your concern for my feelings, Lady Moon, but...

Moon: [smiles] We both know you don't like to lose a philosophical argument. Mercury already knew the score before we came in here. So I'm giving you the opportunity to lose gracefully, in private.

Jupiter: [SIGH] So that's the final word on the matter?

Moon: I'm afraid it is. My decision is binding and without appeal, Jupiter. But you love the Indiana Jones series of movies, so here's a quote for you: "You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it."

[Jupiter nods his head and leaves the office. A moment later, Venus appears in the doorway]

Venus: It's lunchtime, Lady Moon. I've sent the phones to voicemail.

Moon: I'm not hungry, Venus. You go ahead. But thanks for offering.

Venus: You're under orders from the Sun to take a lunch, Luna, and I plan to enforce that. But that doesn't mean you have to EAT anything...

Moon: [getting up from the desk] Two Ying-Yang martinis it is, then. And you know, some days I'm glad we're not Vedic...this leadership stuff is NOT EASY!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Birthday Greetings to Amy Lyre from Mercury!

Dear Perilously Unfunny Astrology Blogger,

I've taken over this blog today because I just feel like you don't comprehend what I'm about. It seems the only time I get to make an appearance her is when I'm in retrograde and you're shamelessly using me to drive traffic to this blog. So you can chill over there for a minute while I drive. 

You have not one, not two, but THREE very special people in your everyday life who are Mercury-ruled. One of them, Amy Lyre Turner, is having a birthday today. And you have to go and say you're not going to make any jokes about Geminis today of all days?

The simple fact: That's not a logical thing to say, dude. Honestly, I don't think you're intellectually capable of understanding the true power of Mercury. Why would you poke fun at the person who could skewer you in a heartbeat and not even give a tenth of a fuck? 

While I wouldn't want to tell you how to do your JOB, "aspiring comedian/astrologer", here's a hint: Look up Capricorn moon and Scorpio rising again, moron. This woman is NOT your standard fluffy bunny Gemini!

Amy wasn't in class the last time you taught Mercury, and that's a positive...for you. A number of the things you said were overheard by your Virgo sister. Did you think that was SMART? That's some serious blackmail material there, man. Just wait until the crows come home to roost.

I know you love playing "kick the Gemini" but you have two additional Virgo people who would verbally incinerate you if pressed to defend their Mercury sister's honor. They're showing incredible restraint that I sure wouldn't exercise. And you happen to share a bed with one of them, who WRITES for a LIVING. You may not be smart, but you are brave, or foolhardy, as the case may be. 

Because you lack the intellectual capacity of the dead spiny dogfish in formaldehyde waiting to be dissected by a class of high school biology students, I'm going to make the sensible, logical choice to wish Amy Lyre an extremely happy birthday! I'm so proud of all that you've been able to accomplish, Amy; your poetry is beautiful, and you spend your career counseling others. I swear I'd be tearing up right now if I was emotional at all. But since I'm not...I'm uh...not. Tearing up that is. But you probably picked up on that already. You're much quicker on the uptake than a certain "student astrologer" I happen to know. 

Anyway, that's it. I think you need some more work on your astrological planets. While I can't actually keep you from saying things that are downright stupid, I had to come out and defend my peeps. 

The fact is that you're outnumbered and verbally outgunned, you cretin. So take your idiotic, trite, abusive, nasty, pointed Gemini jabs and save them for someone who has fucks to give.

Communicatively yours, 


PS: I meant what I said the last time I took over this blog. You're still a jerkface in addition to everything else. I wanted to make sure you knew. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Letters from Saturn: Requesting Assistance

Mercury: Sir, sorry to just drop in...I tried to call for an appointment...

Sun: [waves him into the office and closes Erin Condren planner] Come in, Mercury. Once Lady Moon heard about Orlando, she's been totally inconsolable. Hasn't left her room since she heard...

Mercury: I hear you, sir. But I thought I should bring this to your attention. I was coming in to discuss the transfer of John's Cincinnati trips over to me, but I was out getting the mail and I noticed this letter addressed to you. Looks like one of Saturn's "dispatches" from his retrograde journeys. 

Sun: I was wondering when he was going to report in. [Goes to open envelope] Do I need to ask why the seal is broken?

Mercury: Well, sir...

Sun: [holds up a hand] Don't bother lying, Mercury, because you suck at it. You already opened it. 

Mercury: Of course I did, sir. And I'm prepared to brief you on the contents.

Sun: [SIGH] At least you have your uses, Merc. But we don't need to have the talk about privacy again, do we?

Mercury: Well, Lady Moon needs to stop leaving her machine unlocked, sir, and there wouldn't be a problem. Though I will admit the underwear she ordered were a gorgeous blue color. I was surprised at the size, though...and the prices were totally ridiculous!

Sun: Merc, I swear I will change the Wifi password again if you breathe a word to anyone else that you haven't already told, assuming you didn't blog about it or something. 

Mercury: I understand, sir. 

Sun: So give me the brief and then put the letter on the desk, unless you've already made a copy.

Mercury: My memory is excellent, sir. I don't need a copy.

Sun: Ummm...good to know. Pushing forward...

Mercury: Yes, sir. His main points were basically to say that his journey is going satisfactorily, and that he's enjoying the break from social media. 

Sun: Wait a second. Saturn doesn't DO social media!

Mercury: Actually, sir, he's discovered Quora, and he likes being able to go on there answer questions for people. He details his trip to Fort Knox and his quest to find a decently-priced Internet cafe at the times that he wants one, which is "almost never".

Sun: That's right...Saturn never got a cell phone and won't pay for a data plan. I'll give him credit for being thrifty but these days the Internet cafe is in your pocket. What was the postmark?

Mercury: Seattle, sir. He was sitting in on some leadership training out there, or some such, for some big business meeting.

Sun: I see. Anything else of import?

Mercury: He said we should probably send someone to Orlando to help out. 

Sun: I've been mulling that one over, Mercury. I think I'm going to have to be the one to go. Florida is the Sunshine State and what they need is some warmth and light right now.

Mercury: Saturn did offer to go, sir. Or he sort of did.

Sun: Which is exactly why I'm going. It's not the place for Saturn; we don't need to remind anyone about the brevity of human life. They got an abject lesson in that this week. And Lady Moon is seriously fucked up right now and I can't blame her. The last place I want to go now is Orlando, but I have to go and see what I can do to help.

Mercury: I understand, sir. Can I help you out?

Sun: Yes. I'll need a halfway decent room for at least a week, maybe more. I'll leave instructions for Lady Moon; she'll be in charge once she comes out in my absence.

Mercury: Piece of cake, sir. Anything else?

Sun: Nothing. Was that it from Saturn?

Mercury: Of course not. Standard complaints about millennials, overpriced restaurants, hotel room beds, and John's lack of a blog since his blogging anniversary.

Sun: So the standard shit, then.

Mercury: Yes, that's about it, sir. 

Sun: Good. Take care of the travel arrangements quickly, please. I'll finish up a few odds and ends, and I've already asked Venus to help Lady Moon if she can. Mainly it's to keep Luna off social media for a while; seeing the stories just makes her more and more depressed. I need to go pack.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I'll have your arrangements within the hour.

Sun: Get a room for yourself, too. You're coming with me and be prepared: you're going to be talking to a lot of people.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I can be ready to go in an hour. 

Sun: Good. Dismissed. See you here in 60 minutes.