Monday, February 15, 2016

Saturnian Obligations: Hallmark Holiday Harassment

Saturn: Hello?

Sun: Saturn, it's the Sun. 

Saturn: Yes,'s late on a Sunday night, so I'm a little confused...

Sun: I understand, Saturn. I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't important. I need a big favor. 

Saturn: If it is within my power, sir...

Sun: Great! I need a Valentine's Day blog written.

Saturn: [PAUSE] Pardon me, sir. I am old, even though my hearing is just fine. Could you repeat your request again?

Sun: You heard me, Saturn. John forgot to do a Valentine's Day blog last year, and this year it's also come and gone. He's trying to relax and needs some help, so I want to pitch in.

Saturn: I'm not the right planet for the job, sir. I'm surprised we're even having this conversation.

Sun: Listen, Old Man, you're're far from my first choice. But I'm out of options. 

Saturn: Didn't Mars and Venus do these amazing his/hers entries in the past?

Sun: Mars isn't answering his phone, and neither is I'm going to assume they're...

Saturn: Engaging in sexual intercourse, sir?

Sun: Well, that was a little specific than what I was going for, Saturn, but I figure they' each other's company in some way.

Saturn: I see. And what about Jupiter?

Sun: He's down in New Orleans with Neptune, and he's in retrograde, so I'm wary of anything he might come up with and I know he won't respect my deadline. The point is both of them are out. 

Saturn: Mercury would be an excellent choice, sir. 

Sun: If he and Uranus hadn't spent all day managing everyone's holiday texts, videos, and social media postings, I would ask them. And I think I can anticipate your next question, and no I can't even consider Pluto. People don't want poems that go, "Roses are Dead/Violets are dead/hahahahaha you're all irradiated fucks now!" or references to putting lotions in baskets. So do you see why it has to be you?

Saturn: I've never been lazy, sir, but I just don't think that an entry from me is ideal. Readers do like me, that's for sure, but I'm a little, well...out of my element here. Love and passion really aren't in a malefic planet's repertoire!

Sun: You're making too much out of this, Old Man. Wish people your best for Valentine's Day and that's that. With your writing style, it should take less than ten minutes. The Moon made me promise not to work this weekend or I'd do it myself. I'm not allowed to go anywhere near a computer this weekend or you can be sure I'll be seeing the dark of the Moon, if you will, for quite some time. [PAUSE] Look, if it makes you feel better, I'm ordering you to do it. How does that sound?

Saturn: The picture has become clear now, sir. I hear and obey.

Sun: I knew I could count on you, Saturn. You have my gratitude. 

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Electional Astrology 101: Celestial Party Planning

Imagine if you will that you are a party planner. Your job is to select the perfect date, place, and time for a party that someone else wants to throw. Sounds pretty simple, right?

First of all, the kind of party the person is asking you to plan is of paramount importance. Generally speaking, people want Christmas parties around the holidays, Mardi Gras parties in February or March, and Labor Day parties in early September. So you've got a limited set of dates you're working with, no matter what your occasion may be. 

Next comes the guest list. For your party to be successful, you're going to want certain people to attend. If you're throwing an engagement party or a bachelorette party, the guest(s) of honor need to be able to attend. If they can't, then what's the point of having a party at all? Of course, other people need to be considered, but if there are important guests that must be present, that must be taken into account. 

After that, you'll have to deal with people you absolutely do NOT want to be there. Now don't go all soft on me and say "Oh, that's not true!" You KNOW that it is, so let's deal with that next. You can face the uglier side of your personality later. #sorrynotsorry

Here's what I mean: If you're having a Halloween party with a tarot card reader, inviting people who believe that tarot cards are the "tools of the devil" is likely not a smart idea. You'll want to keep them away from this event, or at least out of the general area. Likewise, you don't want your drunk uncle or aunt to come over for most occasions since they tend to get out of control. Last but not least, the creepy, lecherous guy who will make every female in the room want to run and hide is someone else whose invitation may get lost in cyberspace. 

Finally, perhaps the most challenging part of this exercise: No matter what you do or how well you plan, something is not going to be perfect. Someone may crash the party, for example, or one of the good friends of the host and hostess is out of town.  All you can do is the best you can do given all these restrictions, which are MANY. 

If you understand this example, you now have an idea of what electional astrology is about. And it has nothing to do with political elections, either. 

Electional astrology is the branch of the discipline that we use when a person "elects" (chooses) to do a particular activity. If you've heard of "elective surgery" you understand this concept. 

Some reasons why people might consult an astrologer for an election include:

  • Getting married
  • Holding a meeting (SOTA looks at the stars before they decide on the dates of their yearly conference, for example)
  • Having surgery
  • Taking a trip
  • Starting a business or launching a new product line
  • Giving a particular speech or making an announcement (Ronald Reagan consulted his astrologer frequently on dates and times to give  speeches or hold events)
The astrologer takes the given timeframe for the event and looks to see which date or dates would be most suitable. But there are a lot of hurdles between the astrologer and the goal! What will s/he do?

Tune in next time for the answer! 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

On to Cincinnati: Postmortem

Sun: OK everyone, I've called this meeting to get information about John's astrology weekend. Jupiter, you can finish your story another time!

Jupiter: Yes, sir. 

Venus: I'd like to start, sir. 

Sun: Yes, Lady Venus. Please do.

Venus: From an enjoyment perspective, John had a wonderful time. He met many new friends--all of them women--and felt at home at the school.

Neptune: Next time there needs to be more drinking. 

Venus: Nep, I wasn't really done yet. 

Neptune: Shit. Sorry...go on.

Venus: Anyway, I know he's really excited for the April trip to the school for a classical astrology weekend. But I believe that's all I have.

Sun: Who's next?

Saturn: I'll go, sir. The weekend was well-structured. There was a little too much "social time" for my taste but I've come to accept that part of these functions is [looks at Uranus]..."networking".  And during the lessons nary a negative comment was cast in my direction! It's a shame this blog can't be more like the school. Anyway, was I a more vocal planet I might have said "Hooray!", but...well, you all know why I didn't.

Mars: Because you're a stodgy old bastard who wouldn't know a good time if it bit him on his sagging, wrinkled scrotum?

Saturn: Mars! That will do! 

Sun: You know better than to engender Saturnian disappointment, Mars. [frowns] 

Mars: [laughing] I'll go next, sir. John participated a lot in all the classroom exercises. He didn't hit the gym but I'll get on him to do that ASAP; he had so much going on this weekend that he didn't have time.

Mercury: Mars is right. John's schedule was packed. To make up for all the trouble he had getting there, I made sure there was no weather or traffic for the ride home. It was just as well that a tractor trailer blocked his way on the way there, because when John came back he realized how mountainous that route would have been and in the snow he never would have made it. Again, totally my fault...I didn't give him that information. 

Sun: Speaking of things that are your fault, I received a report this morning that one of John's classmates is sitting on the runway at the airport waiting to go on a business trip. Care to comment on that?

Mercury: Oh shit! Was that the mechanical problem that just came into my email? 

Sun: Yes, that's the one. I thought your storm was over, Merc. 

Mercury: It IS, sir. Really. 

Sun: That lady needs to get to LA! Take care of it, Merc. Now. You are dismissed. 

Mercury [standing up]: Yes, sir. I think that's all I had. 

Moon: Sir, if I may...

Sun: Of course, Luna. What did you find out?

Moon: The class bonded very well. There seems to be a real connection and a lot of nurturing. I was in Libra for the beginning of the weekend and that made it a lot easier. Everyone bonded quickly before I moved into Scorpio, and I'm glad because I can really be cranky there. 

Sun: Anyone else?

Pluto: World domination. 

Sun: I beg your pardon, Pluto?

Pluto: John brought up the theme of world domination when it came to me and my influence this weekend, and I just LOVED it. The instructor for the weekend was a Scorpio and one of his regular teachers sat in the back near him, and she's a Scorp too. So it may only be the one class, but it's a step on the way to world domination.

Jupiter: What would be the point of that, Pluto?

Pluto: Because then you could do whatever the fuck you wanted, and the first thing I'd do is nuke these meetings. No offense intended, sir, but there it is.

Sun: Pluto, if I got offended often I'd never get anything done. Anything else? Jove?

Jupiter: Just a great weekend overall, sir. It's nice to get away to a different city, and it's also wonderful to get someone else's "philosophy" on dealing with us, if you will. I am disappointed, however, that John didn't get to the casino that was 11 minutes from his hotel. 11 minutes, I tell you! He could've gone after dinner Saturday night...he got back to his room around 8:30!

Venus: Jupiter, he needed to sleep, not gamble. I'm sure it would have been fun, but likely he saved money by NOT going. Remember, "Jupiter promises..."

Jupiter: I know, I know..."and Saturn pays." But you can't win if you don't play.

Sun: We can talk about that idea another time, Jove. Besides, you're in retrograde in Virgo right now, so that's not the best time to be throwing the dice. Thanks for your report. Uranus? Surely you have something to add. 

Uranus: John learned an awful lot about me, considering I was the main focus of the weekend. And it was a great one! Lots of new, innovative things for John to look at and try in his own practice.

Sun: Fantastic. Sounds like the weekend was a success. Alibis? [silence] Well, thanks everyone for your attendance. Jupiter, I expect you'll be out for a bit?

Jupiter: Yes, sir. Heading for New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Neptune's going to be there with me...he's the REAL King of Mardi Gras. 

Sun: Well I would tell you two to stay out of trouble but I'm not naive enough to think that anything I say will get through. So go have a good time and try not to cause too many problems, OK?

Neptune: I was off in my own world, sir. What did you say?

Sun: [closes his Erin Condren planner, chuckling] Never mind, Nep. We're adjourned.