Monday, July 27, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Dwarves, Bullies, and Wonder Woman

Sun: Allright, settle down, please. We haven't had a full meeting in a while, so I'm glad to see everyone. Lady Moon, is everyone present and accounted for?

Moon: Yes, sir. It appears that everyone is here on time, which is extremely rare. Especially for Neptune!

Neptune: It's not my fault, Lady Moon. I didn't expect my alarm to go off when it was supposed to.

Moon: Of course, Neptune. [pause] Sir, I think we can proceed.

Sun: Fantastic! I love this time of year. Anyway, folks, today's agenda is about our favorite blogger, John. His 20th wedding anniversary is coming up next week, and I thought we could all get together to talk about what we should do for him. I'll open the floor up for ideas.

Pluto: I've got an idea. Maybe we could...

Jupiter: [whispers to Mars]: Holy shit! The dwarf is saying something. He NEVER talks!

Pluto: [glaring at Jupiter]: Are you finished?

Jupiter: Yeah, man. Sorry. [chuckles]

Pluto: Anyway, as I was saying, maybe we could...

Mars: [whispers to Jupiter]: Dude, he's already pissed? I thought I was the one with the temper.

Pluto: DO YOU TWO MIND? SERIOUSLY! Do you know where the term "Scorpio nuclear" comes from? Trust don't wanna see it.

Sun: [sighs] Sorry, Pluto. [To Mars and Jupiter] Am I going to have to separate you two?

Mars: Sorry, sir...I didn't expect the midget to get so...enraged. [Jupiter and Mars laugh together]

Pluto: "MIDGET"?? You should talk, you bully! We all know how size matters to you, douchebag!

Mercury: Mars, "midget" is a derogatory's "little planet" now.

Mars: Well, maybe he can roll his tiny little bowling ball ass over here and tell me himself. Isn't that right, shrimpie? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sun: Mars, that's downright rude! Please apologize to Pluto immediately.

Mars: Why should I? He called me a bully!

Saturn: The Sun is right, Mars. You crossed the line. Apologize.

Mars: Oh, look who decided to butt in where he doesn't belong again! I'm surprised you're not too busy giving John fits these days to attend these meetings, you miserable prick!

Saturn: I think there are two apologies you need to make now, Mr. Warmonger.

Mars: "Warmonger"?? Who's doing the name calling now, Zoloft Boy? The pharmaceutical industry send your monthly check yet?!?

Uranus: I know this may be a revolutionary idea, but can we start this meeting over?

Mars: Hey, Rebel Without a Clue! Here's a nice big cup of shut the fuck up!

Moon: Mars, stop it right now!

Mars: Or what, Lady Moon? You might HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Moon: [staring at Mars icily] You KNOW I get sensitive around this time of the month! [starts to cry]

Sun: [Pleading] Please, everyone, stop this...we need to get this meeting back on track!

Jupiter: I'm not sure everyone agrees with that philosophy, sir. This is much more entertaining! Let's hit REPLY TO ALL! BATTLE ROYALE!!

Venus: [shouting] EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. [room goes silent] As many of you know, I'm retrograde right now, which makes me a little more waspish than usual. [pauses] Mars, dude, honestly, you're acting like biggest asshole in the galaxy right now, and if I could find your balls I'd walk the fuck over there and kick them repeatedly! You made the Moon cry! Who DOES that??

Jupiter: Whoa.

Venus: And you, Jupiter, are at least partially to blame for all this because you never know when to shut your fucking hole! You're actually encouraging this...this...entropy? I'd ask what the fuck was wrong with you but we don't have two days to talk about it! I've got a philosophical idea to ponder, though. Hmmm...let me think now. [Mimics thinking, then pauses] Oh, I've got it. Let's talk about why we even ask you to come to these meetings since you only show up to get attention, you insensitive DICKBAG!!

Saturn: Yes, Lady...absolutely right. And I...

Venus: Don't interrupt me! I'm not done yet, Old Man. You're actually only guilty of calling Mars a "warmonger" today, which, considering your past history as the prick of the astrological planets, is a pretty minor infraction. You're correct in your assessment, however, and so is Mars with his Mr. Zoloft comment. So we'll call that contest a wash so you two don't have to go outside and whip it out to see who's bigger. You're WELCOME. Fucking testosterone poisoning in here! I can only imagine what the notes from this meeting would look like!

Saturn: [winces]

Venus: [settles back in her chair] You know, I actually loved Uranus' idea of starting this meeting over again. Maybe we could all act our ages and conduct ourselves like the mature planets that we are? Pluto had an idea and no one had the decency to even listen to it. Can we re-evaluate that proposal perhaps? Hmmm?

Mercury: Lady, I was thinking...

Venus: Yes, Mercury? Out with it! You can't possibly be tongue-tied.

Mercury: No, ma'am. Well, I was thinking that Pluto and I can get together after this meeting and write up some of his ideas and submit them for further consideration. Does that sound like a reasonable proposal? That way we could adjourn this meeting early...

Venus: That's the best idea I've heard today! I second that emotion, Merc. Any opposed?


Venus: Motion passed and so ordered. Lady Moon, please note in the agenda that this topic has been tabled for now until we've had time to review the Mercury-Pluto proposal. Please ensure everyone receives a copy. Also, strike everything else from the meeting minutes, if you would be so kind. I wouldn't want anyone seeing what really goes on in here.

Moon: Yes, ma'am. Doing it now.

Venus: Thank you, ladies and "gentlemen". We're adjourned! Enjoy your day!

[Everyone leaves the room, led by Mars who storms out muttering what sounds like "goddamn fuckin' bitch", except the Sun and Venus].

Sun: Lady Venus...

Venus: Yes, sir?

Sun: [Pause] I know I'm supposed to be the one in charge around here...

Venus: Sir, I'm sorry. I know I overstepped...

Sun: [gently] Please let me finish. [Pause] Things got really out of hand today, but you were absolutely out of this world! I should let you lead meetings more often! [smiles]

Venus: [beaming] Thank you, sir. To put not too fine a point on don't fuck with Wonder Woman, sir.

Sun: Well said, Venus. Now since I am actually in the most respectful way imaginable, I'm telling you get the fuck out of here, on your invisible jet or any mode of transportation you prefer. That's an order. I don't want to see you again until you're moving forward at 14 Leo on September 5. Is that clear?

Venus: Crystal, sir. [pause] Could I have a hug before I go?

Sun: Sure you can! [hugs her] I can't imagine what it is like to be retrograde, but it will be over soon. Even Wonder Woman needs the occasional vacation.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Letters from Venus: Summer Retrograde Vacation

From Wikipedia

Hello's Venus here! So thrilled to be with you today. And yes, you can call me Aphrodite if you prefer.

John is likely re-trying his hand with Fallout: New Vegas so he can complete it before the new one comes out this fall. I love to see people doing things they enjoy, even if it is in a dystopian, post-nuclear region populated with mutated insects. He enjoys it, so what is there for me to say? Except perhaps "EW!"

As John appears to be relishing killing giant mutated ants and scorpions, as well as any evil human unlucky enough to cross his path, it seems like a good time for us to have a little chat about my upcoming "vacation" that begins on July 25. You folks would likely call it a "retrograde", though. It starts next weekend, on July 25, and you may experience some difficulty. (Note: Mars usually uses a word with "F" to describe the negative experiences that go with some retrogrades, but I really try not to use that kind of language because it puts people off.)

I know I don't go on vacation very often, and it can be very unsettling when I do; I'm a big part of your world because I deal with love matters and money matters. Both of these things involve "attraction", of course.

A lot of people don't seem to understand how I'm involved with money. Well, when you apply for a job, they have to like you...sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. And you must like them, too, to have a mutually beneficial relationship. If you have your own business, you need to attract customers, make them "fall in love" with you, if you will, at least long enough for them to spend some money on you. But ideally you want them to stay in love with you over the long haul, and by doing so convince others to love your business too so you stay in the black.

Before you ask, people with problems with Venus in their natal chart can have difficulty in both love AND money, which if you ask me can be incredibly frustrating. But your natal chart is, as John would say, the hand you're dealt; how you play that hand day to day is up to you.

For the record, I'm in Scorpio in John's chart, in detriment, so I have a very hard time working with him some days. But he has a smart, beautiful spouse and a pretty good business, so obviously he's playing his hand well. (Speaking of hands, Mars told me once that sex is like bridge: You've got to have a great partner or a great hand. Wow, that's awful! inner Mars is coming out already and we've still got a few days left. Fudge! I digress.) 

And with me in Scorpio things are always emotionally intense for our favorite blogger. Thankfully John got married was an emotional nightmare for him! There was this one time...wait...please forget I said that last sentence! He'd likely be embarrassed.

But speaking of my influence, did I mention he's celebrating 20 years of marriage next month? I am SO EXCITED! 

Oh, fiddlesticks...John said no tangents and I've already had a few. So it's back to work...

Small yet colorful tangents aside, John's asked me to present the list of potential problem areas to watch out for while I'm on vacation, and they include:

Love and social affairs--Overall, relationships tend to slow down. This is not a good time to:

  • Get married 
  • Go on first dates 
  • Join or re-join online dating sites 
  • Have big parties 
  • Change your hairstyle 
  • Wear flamboyant clothing 
  • Buy a new wardrobe 
  • Re-decorate your home or business 

Business--You may experience:

  • Legal issues 
  • Problems with diplomacy or negotiations 

Also, this is NOT a good time to begin new business partnerships. So if you can avoid doing this until I'm back, all the better.

One very important note: Relationships that are already having difficulty may feel additional pressure. My retrograde often forces us to face feelings that we have ignored in the past, and re-evaluate those friendships and romantic partnerships as these emotions re-surface. So I'm sorry to report that if you're relationship is already on the rocks, this may, smash it to pieces, as Mars would say.

Mars does have his good points, but I prefer a more gentle approach. I'd probably go more with, "You may discover that the relationships that you have are truly not serving you, giving you the opportunity to pursue more fruitful ones." That sounds so much more positive. This is a time to acknowledge these feelings, but it's not a time to act on them. Wait until I come back from vacation to decide whether or not these feelings were temporary or indicative of a more serious problem.

Warning: I tend to me more Mars-like during my retrograde periods, so you can expect less kindness and understanding overall while I'm gone. I'll apologize for it because it's sort of my fault. Sorry.

Since I'll barely reach Virgo and then immediately retrograde into Leo, I'll spend nearly the entire time in the sign of the lion. Consequently, watch out for these types of incidents:

  • Hissy fits 
  • "Flounces"--dramatic departures from places for emotionally-based reasons that may involve either friends or romantic partners; "I'm going to take my ball and go home" is a standard flounce, for example 
  • Pride problems--easily bruised egos are unfortunately a Leo staple 
  • Oversensitivity--sometimes people take things personally when it's not personal 
I'll go over halfway back through Leo and I will go direct again at 14 Leo on Sunday, September 6th. But it's been about 18 months and I just need the break. I'm sure you understand. I'll be back before you know it!

I'll apologize now for any inconvenience my retrograde may cause, and sincerely wish you the very best in all that you do. Hopefully John will let me do this again soon!



Saturday, July 18, 2015

Letters from Saturn: Struggle All You Want!

Dear John,

I must admit that I was not truly surprised and more than a little disappointed to read your last missive. I've read it several times before taking the opportunity to reply.

Since you seem so dead set on blaming me for your problems, I accept. No argument here. To be honest, I suspect no argument would work anyway.

I totally agree that I can be the prick of the astrological planets, and considering the time frame we are discussing, your invective is understandable. You seem to do an excellent job of rallying your readers against me, and honestly, I deserve it. So go ahead...pound away with your "greater malefic" nonsense. If I stayed up nights worrying about how people thought about me, maybe I'd care, but honestly, I don't.  

I don't understand why you continue to adore the status quo. Over time, things change; that's a given. Right now you've got to understand that this cycle will end eventually. When you were in high school it was happening and you didn't even know it in the throes of your teenage existential angst. And now as an ADULT you want to be pissed off; that's rich!

You don't seem open to what I have to say right now, so I won't keep you long. But I will have the last word, which is this: You need to do a better job of seeing the positive in me, or else you will end up like me: A bitter old man who delights in showing people how they don't measure up.

Suck it up, buttercup. I'm coming to 5 Sagittarius on November 11 and there's nothing you can do to stop me. 

Dutifully yours, 


P.S.: While you're at it, why don't you try talking to the Moon about stopping her tides? She'll at least listen when I won't, so you've got a better chance of making that happen. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

More Tarot Reading Dates Added for This Summer!

Hello everyone! I've added a few more tarot reading dates for Saturdays during the summer. The complete schedule through the end of September is below, with the new dates underlined:

Saturday, July 11, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, July 18, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, July 25, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, July 29 (Open Beltane Ritual)

Saturday, August 8, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, August 15, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, August 19, 6-9pm

Saturday, August 29, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, September 5, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, September 23, 6-9pm (Open Beltane Ritual)

A sincere thanks as always for your continued trust and confidence. I hope to see you across my tarot table soon! 

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Open Letter to Mercury: Hermes Replies!

Well, I'll admit that I never expected that Mercury would respond to me. But it appears that he did through another blogger. 

Here it is...please go take a look at it. :)