Sun: Good morning, everyone! It’s been a while so I figured we should all get together…via Zoom. A special thanks to Mercury for setting all this up so we could meet from home.
Mercury: My pleasure, sir. Saturn, can we see you please?
Saturn: [annoyed] I can see myself! Why can’t you see me?
Sun: We can see you, Saturn…but just the top of your head.
Saturn: [adjusts screen] Better?
Sun: Thanks, Saturn. [pause] Lady Moon, could you go over
our agenda for us?
Moon: Certainly, sir. Today’s meeting is to talk about Mars’
upcoming retrograde, as well as Mercury’s, and the Great Conjunction in
December.
Sun: Thanks, Lady Moon. Mars, are you packed?
Mars: Yeah, boss. I’m packed, generally. Not ready for this,
but I’m packed. I leave next Wednesday.
Moon: I’m sorry, Mars. I know this is not the best time for
you to have to go away.
Mars: Damn fucking right it isn’t. I mean, who the fuck
scheduled for me to be in retrograde in Aries and during a PANDEMIC? That’s just cruel!
Venus: We understand, Mars.
Saturn: We all must do our duty, Mars. But you’ll go direct
soon enough I expect. Bear it well.
Jupiter: [imitating Saturn] 'Bear it well!' Look how I inspire you!
Saturn: Your feeble attempts at wit go unappreciated, you expansive cretin!
Jupiter: Ooooooh! Cretin! Hurt me some more, you dirty old man! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT!
Sun: I will happily mute you both. [pause] Mars, where are you planning to visit this time?
Mars: Not sure yet. Someplace that actually has shit open, so that means…pretty much anywhere except the US. Maybe Europe? They’re playing sports at least.
Neptune: Who would have thought that so many people would
have embraced me in the last six months? I mean…if they’re not doing creative
projects, they’re drinking! I never thought I could be this happy!
Sun: Neptune makes a point. People have started new workout
routines indoors, Mars, so take comfort that some people are improving themselves.
Mars: Venus is in her glory! [looks at Venus] Yeah, some people are buying Peloton bikes, but do you know
how many calories people are consuming these days as they sit on their damn
couches?
Venus: You’re starting to get irritable. I can tell it’s
almost that time of your cycle.
Mars: Oh, very cute, Venus, very fucking cute!
Venus: Seriously, though, I can’t blame people for wanting
to not do anything and be comfortable, can I?
Uranus: And most of them are at least surfing the world
online! It won’t burn calories, but…think of how much the world has been brought
together. It’s one giant collective!
Mars: GIANT is the word, Urnie. People won’t walk afterward…they’ll
fucking waddle!
Sun: Well, I hope you can try to embrace the positive as
you take a walk around, Mars. You will turn direct on November 13 and be home
before you know it.
Mars: I’ll try, boss, but I’ll be dealing with lots of very
out of shape, pent up, horny people who can’t fucking deal. How the fuck do you
handle THAT?
Saturn: Yes, even you can’t satisfy them all sexually,
although I don’t put it past you to try.
Venus: [mouth drops open] That was really mean, Old Man! Well it would have been if Mars was more perceptive.
Sun: Agreed! That’s beneath you, Saturn! Seriously, though…good
listening skills would likely help you, Mars.
Mercury: His ability to be an active listener is somewhat
limited, boss.
Mars: What did you say, Brainiac?
Mercury: [holds a hand up] Let me try…”Dude, sit your ass
down and nod your head when people talk to you. Then look serious!”
Mars: Is THAT all it is? I can do THAT! Everyone makes it
sound so hard!
Sun: [facepalm] Lady Moon, do you think we can table the
other two agenda items for today? I’m suddenly feeling unwell.
Moon: Certainly, sir.
Sun: Any final remarks before we adjourn?
Jupiter: Good luck, Mars. You’ll need it.
Moon: We will keep you in our hearts, Mars.
Venus: Yes, we sure will. Hang in there and I’ll see you
when you come back.
Neptune: Here’s some advice, Mars: Talk less. Smile more.
Don’t let them know that you think that they’re all whores.
Pluto: Don’t die, Mars. I won’t miss you but other people
might.
Sun: Let us know how you’re doing Mars. I look forward to
hearing from you!
[Mars leaves the Zoom call]
Pluto: Heh. What a wimp.
Sun: You didn’t have any advice for Mars, Old Man? [pauses
and looks at screen] Oh that’s right…I muted him earlier. [pauses] Shit…I
should have muted myself. You can end the call now, Mercury.
