Thursday, February 14, 2013

Venus vs. Mars: Celebrating the "Holiday"

Venus: Mars! So nice to see you! Come in and sit down!

Mars: [looking around] Your home is as gorgeous as ever, Venus. I don’t want to sit anyplace because I’m afraid of messing something up.

V: Not to worry!  [pulls out a beanbag chair] Here you go! I'd rather you not sit on the floral pillows again this year.

M: Thanks! [flops down] So here we go again, right?

V: Yes. Happy Valentine's Day! Another year of this glorious holiday that celebrates me!

M: Hallmark holiday, you mean.

V: Excuse me…what did you say?

M: You heard me, Venus. Every year we get together on “your” holiday. It’s just a day to cater to the whims of females whose male significant others don’t do anything romantic the rest of the year…and of course, to benefit florists, restaurants, jewelry stores, hotels, lingerie stores, credit card companies…

V: Oh, come now, Mars. That’s not really fair. Can’t we take one day a year to celebrate love between couples? And I think you’re giving preference to male-female couples. Same-sex relationships deserve the holiday as well. Love is love, and it’s perfect. Besides, what are people going to do? Dedicate a whole day to you?  

M: Sure! Since most of the names for my holiday would likely embarrass you, we can call it “National Copulation Day”. How does that sound?

V: It doesn’t really matter since it’s pure fantasy. I mean, the very idea of a holiday dedicated to you is…[chuckles].

M: Go on, Venus. It is…what?

V: Well, I’m not deliberately trying to offend, but the whole idea is sort of…silly.

M: [frowns angrily] I’m silly to you?

V: No, you aren’t at all, Mars. But the very notion of celebrating what you stand for? I just couldn’t see it.

M: Whatever you called it would be better than “I’d better buy some flowers and chocolates or I’ll never get my dong stroked again!” day. Hail to the vee, my ass!

V: [rolls eyes] Ugh. You’re as charming as ever, Mars.

M:  That’s the honest truth, Venus. And you know what else? Your “holiday” also celebrates me. Bet you didn’t know that.

V: I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.

M: Let me lay it out for you, mighty Aphrodite. Your “holiday” brings out feelings of anger and aggression in a lot of people. There are folks whose love lives are not going the way they want them to, and what do you do? You fill every commercial establishment with red, white, and pink bullshit that angry people have to stare at for six fucking weeks after New Years’. Do you know what month has the most divorces? January! Just before your beloved holiday. And what about people who have lost their special someone in the last year? They’re alone!  So there will be a hell of a lot of people by themselves, getting pissed off and likely sitting down for a few drinks, on your day! And they're riding with me.

V: I didn't even...think about them.

M: Didn't think you had. So what do you have to say to those people, huh?

V: Honestly, Mars, I don’t know.  I’d probably start with “I’m sorry."

M: Yeah, well...with your apologies these folks will still have to pay $5 for an overpriced cup of coffee.

V: I know. But riding your bitter train is going to somehow make them feel better?

M: For a while, yeah. People are resilient, but they need me to help them bounce back.

V: Perhaps you’re right.

M: Really?

V: No, of course not. I’m just saying it to be kind.

M: That sucks! But at least you’re being honest.

V: Indeed. Now come into the kitchen so we can eat lunch.  

M: What did you prepare for us this time? Canapés? Finger sandwiches? Something delicate and light, no doubt. With a demiglaze of loooooooooooooooooooooooooooove?

V: Everything from my kitchen is prepared with love and tenderness. I’ve prepared a gorgeous fresh, green salad for myself. But I’ve made something extra special for you this year!

M: [groans] OK, let’s get this over with. What is it?

V:  60 of Jupiter’s famous suicide buffalo wings and bleu cheese dressing, and “Martial Margaritas” made with Neptune’s favorite tequila.  I’ve even added red food coloring in your honor.

M: You did all that…for me?

V: Yes. Because even with all your faults, I love you.  And this is a day for something special.

M: Suicide wings are my favorite! And when there’s a holiday dedicated to me, then maybe I’ll have you over to my place.

V: Your place? Ummm…while I loathe to decline such a tempting offer, I don’t wish to experience the “Man Cave”. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. And I don’t have a pair of shoes I'm willing to sacrifice, either.

M: MEEEEEEEEEYOW. That was a bitchy thing to say.

V: [smiles] You said you like honesty. 

M: Aw, fuck it. Let’s eat.

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