Suppressive Saturnian Struggles

Temple of Saturn in Rome

(from Britannica Kids)

Dear Saturn,

You and I have had our differences in the past. But I wanted to clear the air, since you and I both know what's coming.

Your cycle is well-known, Old Man. You come back to our natal point every 28-29 years, and so every seven years or so, we experience a clash to its natal position in our chart--a square or an opposition, and if we're lucky, two or three conjunctions in the span of a lifetime.

In this case, you've gone nearly halfway through your cycle for me. When I was born, you were sitting at 5 Gemini. You're now going retrograde through Scorpio, but that will change soon and you will be moving into the sign that opposes Gemini, Sagittarius. 

I've already taken a look, sir, and it appears that you will be exactly opposing my natal Saturn position on November 11. I'm already feeling some of the effects, since you already crossed this point earlier this year and then retrograded back over it.

As you head toward an exact opposition to my natal Saturn, there are some potentially nasty effects that can come with it for me: 

• Depression; 
• Pushing against boundaries; 
• Re-evaluating responsibilities; 
• Feeling worthless or overwhelmed; and 
• Heavy obligations of all kinds. 

I know it's not personal...this sort of thing could happen to anyone experiencing a "Saturn transit". 

With all that said, I'm here to remind you that even though you'll say you're just doing your job, it is fucking personal to me. And don't even try to fucking tell me that I'm not using dignified language.

Anyway, I wanted you to be very much aware that while I might not have understood what was going on seven years ago when you were squaring my natal Saturn, I "get it" now. I'm onto you, Old Man. And while it may have taken me more than 40 years to figure it out, you can bet that I'm going to put that knowledge to good use. 

The point is simple: I've got way too much fun stuff going on this summer and fall to allow you to ruin it. Check this out: My sister is dropping in for a visit in a few days. My niece's birthday is later this week, and my oldest niece leaves for graduate school in a few weeks. My 20th wedding anniversary is coming up in early August. I start astrology college in September at the Midwest School of Astrology, and I've got a fantastic cruise vacation then, too. I know a number of special people getting married this fall, and I've got the State of the Art (SOTA) astrology conference in October, during my birthday. In November, the next game in a series that I LOVE is coming out. I've got Roller Coaster Tycoon Platinum just waiting for me on my computer right now. And in addition to all this, Jen's got some books coming out. While you may abhor fiction, they're important to her and to me, and a legitimate cause for celebration.

St. Augustine once said of astrology, "The stars may impel, but they cannot compel." There's no doubt that you will have an influence on me, as you always have and always will. But in the end, how I react to your bullshit is my choice.

I do have tremendous respect for you, Old Man, so I'm taking the time to make absolutely sure there's no misunderstanding between us. So please read the next paragraph very carefully. Take your time and peruse it until understanding occurs.

For the record, I categorically, absolutely and totally REFUSE to acquiesce to your "episodes". I will not allow you to dictate, manipulate or otherwise attempt to control my behavior. You can push, but I can push back harder...have you MET ME? You helped create me, so you ought to know. But go ahead and test me. I will pass with flying colors and flip you off while I do it, laughing all the way.

I don't think you get who you're fucking dealing with, Old Man. But you're about to find out.

I wish you an amazing summer and fall, because that's what I intend to have, in spite of your attempts to derail them.

I look forward to your inevitable reply.

Very truly yours,

John

Open Letter to Mercury: Enough With the Retrograde Fuckery!

Dear Mercury,


I'd like to take a moment to address your current retrograde. While I don't normally use my natal planetary placements as an excuse for my behavior, you'll excuse me in this case if, by virtue of your location in Scorpio in my chart, I use terms that might seem vulgar, crude, or downright inappropriate. You could also blame transiting Mars in Gemini, if you prefer, but I digress. 

I know Saturn may not appreciate my methods of doing business, but at least he will appreciate my candor in pointing out your shortcomings. 

I've had it with this retrograde, you consummate motherfucker. I can't begin to express my loathing for it, as it's been the worst one for the people in my world for some time. I'll give you credit for one thing: You do know how to fuck shit up, that's for certain. 

In short, this retrograde has been, to quote my friend Erica, "totally fucktrocious."

Normally, when it comes to you I can be pretty calm about your retrograde periods. I can tell people "It won't last forever" and advise them to take precautions and the like. This time I want to tell people not to communicate at all unless it's vital. Forget big conversations; even routine conversations are misunderstood right now. I'm losing time checking every email and document I work with 75 times for mistakes because just one could cause a part of my world to come crashing down. How do you expect people to apply for a new job or heaven forbid interview while you're like this?

What the technology fuck is wrong with you? You're fucking with my cable and Wifi now, too, you miserable little shit. I was watching the Women's World Cup last night and don't think I didn't see those moments when the picture started pixellating. A few times we lost our signal. Lucky for you we got it back; how dare you fuck up while the US Women's Soccer Team goes for it all! I try to calm down and watch videos like a Siamese cat singing the "Game of Thrones" theme, or a similar version with goats, just for laughs...when they decide to load, that is. And I've got phone calls dropping in my house again, too, and that shit is annoying!

For the record, if you think my friend Megan calling you a filthy whore was embarrassing, just use your mind and think about the entire LIST of names I may have called you in the silence of what some may refer to as a brain these past few weeks. My vocabulary is pretty extensive, and I'm pulling new swearwords in German from video games to supplement because I'm running out. I think "slavering goatfucker" or "quivering bag of entrails" were two of my personal favorites.

On behalf of myself and my readers, I need you to GET A FUCKING GRIP immediately because this shit has got to stop. If it doesn't, I will verbally assault you so severely that "filthy whore" will seem like the nicest compliment you'll ever receive.

Get your ass to 4 Gemini and end this fuckery right fucking now, you pissant.

Fuck you very much,

John

Book Review: Paganism 101: An Introduction to Paganism by 101 Pagans

When someone asks me “What’s a Pagan?”, it can be a very hard question to answer. Like Christianity, which has many different sects, Paganism has a number of important religious traditions under its “umbrella”, including druidry, heathenry, Wicca, Witchcraft, and a number of others. And if you ask any one Pagan what their religion is about, you are going to receive answers that vary wildly from person to person.

Paganism 101 is a collection of articles from different Pagan traditions organized by theme. It’s divided into three main parts: “Who We Are”, “What We Believe”, and “What We Do”. It’s further separated into different categories with an introduction of a number of the different Pagan “paths”, and specific chapters on nature, the afterlife, and various aspects of spellwork such as herbalism, ritual, and healing.

One section of the book that took me by surprise addressed “Christo-Pagans”, a term that encompasses those who choose Jesus as a God and Mary as a Goddess, generally speaking. I’ve met quite a number of folks who follow it, and it appears to be becoming quite popular. Both Pagans and Christians say that you cannot be both Pagan and Christian, a number of stories in this book would show you that this is not the case.

As I looked through the table of contents, the Ethics portion of Part 2 jumped out at me immediately. This is often a very interesting area to look at, as each different path or tradition in the umbrella could have its own moral code. Some of the more universal themes include belief in the threefold law—both good and bad are returned to you three times as good or bad—respect for the earth, and openness toward human sexuality in whatever form it takes.

Of all of the ethics articles, Mary Caelsto wrote the one I liked the most and it really resonated with me. Having different moral codes does not absolve us from personal responsibility, and to allow bad behavior to occur without consequence means that we are not following our own code. We must accept the consequences our actions have not only on ourselves, but also on those around us. It’s a simple and profound message that modern Pagans need to hear.

One of the things I like most about this book is that it welcomed all paths and put them on an equal footing. I’ll say right now that as I read through this book, there were things I didn’t agree with. If you are a practicing Pagan and you read this book, you are going to have the same thing happen. I look at that as a good thing. You don’t have to agree with every practice of another Pagan path; you just have to respect that what they are doing is every bit as valid as what you are doing.

Overall, I liked this book and think it makes a great reference, especially for those who are considering different Pagan traditions. But reading this book really showed how similar many of the paths truly are.

Editor: Trevor Greenfield

Moon Books, 2014

$18.95