Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Mercurial Message Makes Mars Morbidly Mad

Mars: So what the fuck, Merc? Why did you want to see me? [gestures toward Neptune] And why'd you bring this pussy along?

Neptune: [gently] In many parts of the world, conversations among polite folks usually begin with "Hello," Mars. And in some cases, it continues with "Is it me you're looking for?" I LOVE that song!

Mercury: He's right, Mars. So hello!

Mars: Fine. Hell-the-fuck-lo. Now, what the fuck do you want? March Madness is on, and I'm a little busy! 

Mercury: This won't take too much of your time. If I had feelings, I'd be a little embarrassed.

Neptune: He would be, Mars. But he doesn't know how.

Mars: And how would you know, Mr. Hippy? Or is it Ms. Hippy this week?

Neptune: I'm cool with whatever. 

Mars: [To Mercury] You know for someone who is supposed to be specific and clear, Merc, you're fucking it up.

Mercury: I came to tell you about a young lady who's starting her own blog. 

Mars: Oh yeah? Someone I know? Because you know I don't read.  

Mercury: I'd say so. She rides with you most of the time. Lots of Mars intensity in a small package, someone you don't want to underestimate. Goes by the name of...[consults Erin Condren planner]...Ren? Do you know anyone by that name by chance?

Mars: Oh hell yeah! Why didn't you say so? Ren's my girl! We've had some good times. What's the problem?

Mercury: Well, she's starting her own blog, and we thought she might need a little...push. Some incentive!

Neptune: You know, perhaps some positive reinforcement that this is a good idea...

Mars: She's awesome! She was even packing heat last weekend! What do you need me to do?

Mercury: I'm going to be dropping in on her. Is there something inspiring you'd like to say?

Mars: America fuck yeah! She should SO do this. Then everyone can MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!

Mercury: How about a comprehensible message that doesn't involve copyright infringement?

Mars: FUCK! Here you go again, brainiac. Repeat in English for those of us who like things "on the real".

Mercury: [whispers] Nep, I told you this was a bad idea. 

Neptune: No, not at all! Just take his words and come up with something more...appropriate. 

Mercury: We went down that road a while back, and the Sun got sort of pissed at me for it. I'd rather not have that situation again. 

Neptune: No one else has to know, Merc. And if the Sun comes after you, blame me. I can just say I was drunk. 

Mercury: [shouts] AH HA! The "I was drunk" defense. That's brilliant! The Japanese have been using that one for YEARS!

Mars: I can't hear the game over you two motherfuckers! So decide what I need to say to her and get out!

Mercury: I think I've got it. "The blessings of Mars be upon you, Ren, as you embark on this wonderful new blogging adventure. I will gladly come visit your blog anytime, and bring many of my astrological planetary friends."

Neptune: That's beautiful. You think she'd let me come, too? 

Mercury: Dude, you have to come. She actually writes creative shit people will want to read, not this astrology crap that John does. She's an honest to goodness creative writer. I mean, John's stuff is informative, and yes it's nonfiction, kind of, but evaluated against others, I'd say his prose lacks a bit of...

Mars: Dickheads! There's the fucking door. John's one of mine, too. So unless you want to be speaking out of your assholes, I suggest you fuck right off. 

Mercury: A pleasant evening to you, Mars. We'll take our leave of you now. 

Neptune: Embrace your inner Goddess, Mars. 

Mars: Go fuck yourself, Nep! Same to you, Merc, whatever you just said. And don't take a damn thing from my house.