Thursday, April 13, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Retrogrades Triple Play

Sun: Good morning, everyone! [looks around] We've got a few seats empty today. Lady Moon, who are we missing?

Pluto: Thankfully the Old Man's gone! [Mimics old person talking with New England accent] "Back in my day when we called it "making whoopee" and your grandmothah was givin' me a hummah..."

Moon: [blushes and chuckles] As Pluto has astutely pointed out, sir, Saturn is on his business trip.

Pluto: [continues, but now mimicking Saturn] "How dare you say such a thing in front of a lady, Pluto. [SIGH] We were seven planets once!"  HAHAHAHAHA! What a fucking asshole.

Sun:  [smirks] I'd like everyone in this room to know that I'm not condoning that sort of commentary about anyone, even if he is kind of an asshole. It's his claim to fame, and he does it well. Lady Moon, please write the following into the record: "Pluto's disparaging remarks about other members were condemned by the Sun and all present and were stricken from the record."

Moon: Sir, this is an official record of our proceedings. Are you sure you don't want to discuss this offline?

Sun: Dear Lady, please let the records reflect my earlier statement. Let's just consider what I said "alternative facts" since they seem to be so popular these days. Anyone who might dispute that assertion is out, so there it is. And speaking of absences, who else is out?

Moon: Venus has not yet returned to direct motion. And Mercury just left. 

Mars: Dude, people are PISSED about what's happening. Merc is really fucking some shit up!

Sun: I suspect you have something to share, Mars?

Mars: Yeah! Our favorite blogger has been struggling all week. First, he had people cancel on him for lunch four separate times. Honestly, it's just as well because he still needs to drop some weight! Merc was doing him a favor!

Sun: Just the facts, please, Mars, and no commentary on John's fitness level. 

Mars: Then his printer shit the wall, and after struggling with it all evening he had to buy a new one. And THEN his new printer didn't want to connect to the network until he FINALLY got it working. That's John's fault, though, for buying new computer stuff during Merc retro. Fat bastard ought to know better!

Sun: Wow. Sounds like standard Mercury retrograde stuff to me. [looks are Uranus] Urnie, did you have something?

Uranus: Yes, sir. One of John's FaceBook friends, Leslie, reported that she's having a lot of trouble getting through to people this week. I think her quote was, "It's as if all communications are GARBLED! I say one thing, people hear something else. I am trying to be careful to be clear and neutral." Sounds like that Scorpio lady knows what she's doing!

Neptune: It's really awful when people don't understand. Mercury is one of us, and he gets constantly dumped on. And all this negativity is sort of bringing me down.

Mars: No, that's just the Jaegermeister, Nep!

Neptune: Dude, I resent that remark. There's no way I'd drink that stuff...without proper shot glasses.

Jupiter: Amen to that, Nep. 

Sun: Jupiter, you're our publishing expert. Do we have an update on John's next book?

Jupiter: No, sir. He's not answering my texts. 

Sun: How many have you sent?

Jupiter: In the last day, one every half an hour. 

Moon: I know how I'd feel, Jupiter. Why don't you give the poor man a day or so to answer you before you drown him in text messages?

Pluto: And it's another tarot book. Do we give a fuck?

Sun: I'm sitting in John's 9th house, Pluto. I'd say we care. But is there anything else that needs to be discussed before we adjourn?

Moon: It's a little early, sir. But we should start getting the August eclipses on the calendar nonetheless. They're going to be doozies. 

Sun: I concur, Lady Moon. Please prepare information sheets on them for the group for our next meeting. And I do have one other thing to bring up. [PAUSE] I've noticed that there are a lot of original outfits that people are wearing these days, but I'm going to ask you to consider how...appropriate they might be for meetings. We can be casual without being, well, inappropriate. [glances over at Mars]. I'll make sure the others are appropriately informed when they return. 

Pluto: I told you to stop wearing that stretchy body suit where people can see your dong, Mars. And now likely I'll have to stop wearing my Vault 111 and Vault-Tek gear to meetings because of you!

Mars: [to Pluto] Listen, asshole. You CAN NOT SEE MY DONG! [looks down] Well OK maybe you can! SHIT. FUCK. GODDAMMIT. 

Moon: [chuckles] I'll make sure the new policy goes to everyone, sir. Our folks on retrograde will get it in their emails when they get back to the office. 

Sun: Sounds good, Lady Moon. Thanks, everyone. We're adjourned. 

Mars: This is fucking discrimination!

Pluto: Good luck, Mars. I'll be laughing again when you lose this one, too. HAHAHAHA!

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