Mars: Come on, Old man! What the fuck are we doing today? Aren't we supposed to be off? Happy 4th to us as we schlep off to the salt mines! This is some bullshit!
Saturn: We are here by divine obligation, my boy, so let's try to make the most of it, shall we? I'm taking a break from my retrograde to be here today.
Pluto: This is bullshit. I'm retrograde too but no one seems to give a shit!
Mars: That's because you're not around at all, man. I mean, if you'd stay in the office for a while you'd actually get some shit done.
Pluto: I can get more done in an hour than you can in a week, Testosterone Boy.
Mars: No way, asshole! NO WAY!
Saturn: (scoffs) Well, gentlemen--although I should use that term loosely as it pertains to you both--we're here today to discuss the current astrological situation; namely, the retrograde picture and eclipses.
Mars: Dude, people think it's like total bedlam these days! Soft is what they are! ROLL WITH IT! No need for the drama, amirite?
Pluto: Humans don't like change. When will you figure this out, jock strap?
Mars: Fuck and you, shrimpie! I'll take you any fucking day!
Saturn: [sighs] Will you two please pipe down? Mars, I will tell Venus if you misbehave and you won't be able to enjoy your usual carnal entertainments.
Mars: What carnival, Saturn? What are you talking about?
Pluto: Forget it, dumbass. He means you won't get any if you keeping shooting off your asshole mouth.
Mars: Why didn't you just say that? Well let's get this shit over with. Five planets will be retrograde next week, but honestly, the only one you gotta worry about is Mercury. We can barely keep track of his ass when he's direct, but he'll go retrograde on July 7 at 4 Leo.
Pluto: Who fucking cares, though? These Mercury changes are temporary so I don't see why people get all upset. I mean, really. Just fucking pay attention, people. That's it.
Mars: For once I agree with you, shrimpie! Here's how to deal with Merc retro. 1) Don't say stupid shit! 2) Don't do stupid shit! 3) Don't sign a damn thing! 4) Don't say shit you don't mean. There you go! Easy. Oh yeah...and do all this until August 20.
Saturn: As usual, Mars, your ability to think critically is a model for intellectuals everywhere.
Mars: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't fucking GET you half the time?
Saturn: Let me try again. [thinks hard and assumes vapid expression] Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude TRUE STORY AMIRITE!?!?
Mars: WHOA! Hey, maybe you can teach a very old dog new tricks!
[Saturn glowers at Mars]
Pluto: Shouldn't the boss and Luna be here to talk about the eclipses?
Saturn: It was our turn this time, Pluto. We were ordered to come, and you know how I feel about orders.
Pluto: Eclipses can be a total bitch. Just hang on for the ride. I'm a big fan because they can close doors permanently and open others for the first time. You don't have to fucking like it, but that's how it is. And if you think this is fun, just watch how things form up as 2022 approaches!
Saturn: I think we can end our remarks there, Pluto!
Pluto: The people need to know, you ancient fuck! The United States was founded almost 250 years ago, and it has its first of my returns in 2022, Old Man. The revolution you see happening is another form of the cycles that led up to their first revolution. That's pretty important!
Saturn: Pluto, that was my nice way of saying "Shut up because we're done here!"
Pluto: Old Man, did you say something? Because I wasn't listening!
Mars: We've been here too long already, little dude! Just shut up! I'm gonna bounce!
Pluto: Fine. Fuck you both. Happy birthday, America. Hope you appreciate me more than these fucks.
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