Saturday, July 7, 2012

An Interview With Jupiter

Hello name is Jupiter! Of course you have heard of me. I'm the happy-go-lucky, expansion planet of the astrological universe, and since John's been kind of a slacker lately and hasn't been writing, I figured I'd help him jump back in with both feet. Since he's been trying to take it easy before he starts teaching again--one of the areas that I rule, which is TOTALLY AWESOME!--he's been away but he'll definitely make a splash with me since I rule publishing as well.

Incidentally, John just realized last week that in his astrology chart, Neptune is not the only planet to have an opposition with Old Man Stick-Up-His-Ass, also known as Saturn. I am ALSO opposed to Saturn in John's chart. That explains why John was so boring as a kid; he just didn't know how to embrace me yet. Thankfully he got over that problem with the help of his wife and friends, but now that  Old Man has to deal with us both. My money's on The Great Deceiver and I any day of the week, especially with me in Sagittarius, the sign that I rule. Did I also mention that my planet rules gambling? :)

So let's get it started!

Jupiter: So, tell everyone about what you've been doing with your free time!

J2B: Well, it hasn't been exactly free time. I've kept busy; I just haven't been teaching.

Jupiter: I hear you've got a novel you're working on. Tell me about it!

J2B: There's not much to tell yet. I'm up over 20K words on my novel, and tarot plays a major role in it. Otherwise, that's all I'm going to say for right now.

Jupiter: Holy Pluto, that's a lot of words. Are you keeping Saturn under the heel of your boot, where the bastard belongs?

J2B: Saturn hasn't bothered me much lately, Jupiter, so I'm using him to try to keep me on a writing schedule. But you're not helping at all. You're always putting new video games in front of my face, and I've gotta focus.

Jupiter: Come on! Everyone's gotta cut loose every once in a while!

J2B: Dude, seriously. Two new games I had to have in less than a month? Luckily I wasn't teaching classes where I had to correct homework.

Jupiter: But you were teaching recently, right? You know you were!

J2B: Of course, man. Thanks to your influence, teaching is like a drug for me and I have to keep doing it. I taught an 8-week astrology course for my school, the Tradition of the Witches Circle, and I'm starting up with Witchcraft 301 next Friday. I am SO looking forward to getting back in the classroom.

Jupiter: That's so good to hear, John. I RULE.

J2B: Better get off your high horse or I'm going to start calling you Saturn...

Jupiter: Get the fuck out of town!

J2B: I'm serious, Mr. Planet of Excess and Extravagance.

Jupiter: [GRUMBLES] Fine, fine, fine. Any vacations planned?

J2B: Not at the moment. Jen's got a new book out at the end of the month. It's called "Practically Dreaming" and the book release is July 28th at 13 Magickal Moons.

Jupiter: And I heard it's astrology-based? Tell me the main character is a Sagittarius! AR-CHER! AR-CHER! AR-CHER! That will be AWESOME!

J2B: Actually, Jen went with a Virgo lead on this one. But it's a fantastic book that people of all sun signs will be able to enjoy.

Jupiter: Hold the phone. The main character is...Mercury-ruled? BOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRING!! That one will be a sleeper. It'll hold my attention for as long as it takes Mercury to deliver flowers to someone! HAHAHAHA!

J2B: Dude, what the fuck did I tell you when I agreed to this interview? I believe it was 'Stick to the questions or I let Saturn write the blog for a full month.' Is that what you want?

Jupiter: Shit no. But that will hurt you more than me; you won't have anyone reading it then.

J2B: We've got time for one more question, and if you continue to fuck around, then I remind Saturn of the money you owe him and he writes for a month. I'll even name it "50 Shades of Self-Discipline". My beloved wife is also Mercury-ruled, and I'll sic her on your ass, too. The ball is in your court, Jupiter.

Jupiter: Please, man, don't do that! I've been ditching his calls for months! The thing was a sure bet at 40 to 1. How could it lose? [PAUSE]. Whatever. I heard a rumor that you let two thin guys out-eat you the last time you went out to the all-you-can-eat wings and fingers place. Say it ain't so, man. One of them weighed like 90 pounds. Don't you have any pride?

J2B: I'm not answering that, Jupiter. This interview is over. Next time, learn to shut your trap, you tactless ass wipe.

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