Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Letters from Neptune: Throwing the Dwarf Planet Under the Bus

Dear Pluto,

I wanted to take a moment to wish you a very happy Mardi Gras! I'm going to apologize in advance for this email seeming a little bit...off. So many people are riding with me today that it's a little unsettling. Did I mention that it's TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME, though?? That part is, but not what I'm about to say. Just so we're clear.  

Anyway, I had a rather unpleasant conversation with Saturn not too long ago. Well...let me rephrase...it wasn't unpleasant for ME, since Saturn bought me a bottle of some very nice liquor and I managed to "spirit" it--HAHAHAHA! GET IT?--out of his house without him realizing it. Sometimes I kill myself. 

As is true to form, Saturn's disappointed about something. This time, John has evolved to become a more balanced individual by riding more with me and less with him. Saturn has realized that John will never be the obedient Saturn pupil that he used to be. Frankly, he was pretty boring, if you ask me. Writing a poem about his upbringing would have been a real short haiku going something like this. 

Boring little boy
Did not know how to have fun
Except with board games

Crap, I'm digressing again, aren't I? Well, fuck. 

I wanna be totally clear on this one. I didn't MEAN for it to happen. OK, so I figured it WOULD HAPPEN, and yes, likely I knew how the Old Man would react. But I swear this time I wasn't trying to be deliberately mean. 

OK, so that last statement wasn't entirely true. And when I say it wasn't entirely true, I mean it wasn't an outright falsehood. At times I was trying to be a little bit nasty because I wanted to knock that old bastard down a few pegs. I wasn't trying to enhance my own ego in the process, although I must admit that it did feel good. A little. OK more than a little, but cut me some slack, will you? 

Saturn's got a THING, you know that? Aside from John or anyone else, he's got a thing against the outer planets. It's almost like he doesn't even want us around, that our astrological influence is somehow lessened. Uranus took away some "his people". He's not a fan of yours, I'm sure. And he REALLY doesn't like me. He never did, but now, about John he's got a true hard-on, to the degree that the old man can have a hard-on that's not chemically enhanced, you know? These days you'd call it an "issue" and try to "dialog" about it, use that therapy bullshit that YES, I am responsible for, I'll admit. And I want to accept EVERYONE and he can't accept ANYONE. That's his problem. When you do the same thing for so many years you become an old stick in the mud. Sonofabitch can't even begin to understand who we are and our role in the astrological universe. 

John's taken up some ancient astrology techniques. Did I go to Saturn and bitch about that? No, I didn't, because I care about John being well-rounded. He knows I'm there and how I'm trying to help him, and that's what counts. Do I care that Saturn is still John's ruling planet, and a much larger part of his chart than I am? NO. I like the guy, but I've got my people, too, and I can imagine what it's like to have such a strongly Saturn-ruled person move away from him. But we're not changing who John IS; we're just enhancing him a little. He's not as much a Saturn's boy and he gets so pissed off. WHAT THE FUCK?

Saturn's a whiny little bitch who doesn't know how to evolve himself. And that's why I need you to talk to him. Saturn, that is...not John. 

You're his modern sun sign ruler, so I've already thrown you under the bus. I'd apologize for doing that, but it would be disingenuous. I meant to do it. But I'll warn you now that Saturn is not happy. I'd say he'd have calmed down by the time he gets to you, but that's not the truth either. He may be as mad as hornets who have built their nest in an entire bush only to have humans set fire to it. John's seen that happen, too, and he was practically cheering; he's not a fan of stinging insects. 

I'm digressing again but you get the point. Don't say I didn't warn you. Here's something I do mean: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I owe you dinner out someplace nicer than I usually eat. 



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