Monday, February 15, 2016

Saturnian Obligations: Hallmark Holiday Harassment

Saturn: Hello?

Sun: Saturn, it's the Sun. 

Saturn: Yes,'s late on a Sunday night, so I'm a little confused...

Sun: I understand, Saturn. I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't important. I need a big favor. 

Saturn: If it is within my power, sir...

Sun: Great! I need a Valentine's Day blog written.

Saturn: [PAUSE] Pardon me, sir. I am old, even though my hearing is just fine. Could you repeat your request again?

Sun: You heard me, Saturn. John forgot to do a Valentine's Day blog last year, and this year it's also come and gone. He's trying to relax and needs some help, so I want to pitch in.

Saturn: I'm not the right planet for the job, sir. I'm surprised we're even having this conversation.

Sun: Listen, Old Man, you're're far from my first choice. But I'm out of options. 

Saturn: Didn't Mars and Venus do these amazing his/hers entries in the past?

Sun: Mars isn't answering his phone, and neither is I'm going to assume they're...

Saturn: Engaging in sexual intercourse, sir?

Sun: Well, that was a little specific than what I was going for, Saturn, but I figure they' each other's company in some way.

Saturn: I see. And what about Jupiter?

Sun: He's down in New Orleans with Neptune, and he's in retrograde, so I'm wary of anything he might come up with and I know he won't respect my deadline. The point is both of them are out. 

Saturn: Mercury would be an excellent choice, sir. 

Sun: If he and Uranus hadn't spent all day managing everyone's holiday texts, videos, and social media postings, I would ask them. And I think I can anticipate your next question, and no I can't even consider Pluto. People don't want poems that go, "Roses are Dead/Violets are dead/hahahahaha you're all irradiated fucks now!" or references to putting lotions in baskets. So do you see why it has to be you?

Saturn: I've never been lazy, sir, but I just don't think that an entry from me is ideal. Readers do like me, that's for sure, but I'm a little, well...out of my element here. Love and passion really aren't in a malefic planet's repertoire!

Sun: You're making too much out of this, Old Man. Wish people your best for Valentine's Day and that's that. With your writing style, it should take less than ten minutes. The Moon made me promise not to work this weekend or I'd do it myself. I'm not allowed to go anywhere near a computer this weekend or you can be sure I'll be seeing the dark of the Moon, if you will, for quite some time. [PAUSE] Look, if it makes you feel better, I'm ordering you to do it. How does that sound?

Saturn: The picture has become clear now, sir. I hear and obey.

Sun: I knew I could count on you, Saturn. You have my gratitude. 

1 comment:

  1. As a child of Saturn- I must object! Far too harsh a view on his presence- and purpose. Sure he is old and stern...but he is the father who loves you- who requires you to grow and to learn through discipline, dedication and long term commitments, leading to firm foundations which result in success. Maybe just maybe the influence of Saturn in the love department, will reflect just such situations. Committed (not the cray cray nut house kind) long term dedication to working through issues as they pertain to love, which in turn lead to a firm foundation to build on. Be kind to the master and aware of the lesson as he calls you to task. Just like a father- he will reward your efforts, growth, and achievement in kind.