Sunday, June 19, 2016

Birthday Greetings to Amy Lyre from Mercury!

Dear Perilously Unfunny Astrology Blogger,

I've taken over this blog today because I just feel like you don't comprehend what I'm about. It seems the only time I get to make an appearance her is when I'm in retrograde and you're shamelessly using me to drive traffic to this blog. So you can chill over there for a minute while I drive. 

You have not one, not two, but THREE very special people in your everyday life who are Mercury-ruled. One of them, Amy Lyre Turner, is having a birthday today. And you have to go and say you're not going to make any jokes about Geminis today of all days?

The simple fact: That's not a logical thing to say, dude. Honestly, I don't think you're intellectually capable of understanding the true power of Mercury. Why would you poke fun at the person who could skewer you in a heartbeat and not even give a tenth of a fuck? 

While I wouldn't want to tell you how to do your JOB, "aspiring comedian/astrologer", here's a hint: Look up Capricorn moon and Scorpio rising again, moron. This woman is NOT your standard fluffy bunny Gemini!

Amy wasn't in class the last time you taught Mercury, and that's a positive...for you. A number of the things you said were overheard by your Virgo sister. Did you think that was SMART? That's some serious blackmail material there, man. Just wait until the crows come home to roost.

I know you love playing "kick the Gemini" but you have two additional Virgo people who would verbally incinerate you if pressed to defend their Mercury sister's honor. They're showing incredible restraint that I sure wouldn't exercise. And you happen to share a bed with one of them, who WRITES for a LIVING. You may not be smart, but you are brave, or foolhardy, as the case may be. 

Because you lack the intellectual capacity of the dead spiny dogfish in formaldehyde waiting to be dissected by a class of high school biology students, I'm going to make the sensible, logical choice to wish Amy Lyre an extremely happy birthday! I'm so proud of all that you've been able to accomplish, Amy; your poetry is beautiful, and you spend your career counseling others. I swear I'd be tearing up right now if I was emotional at all. But since I'm not...I'm uh...not. Tearing up that is. But you probably picked up on that already. You're much quicker on the uptake than a certain "student astrologer" I happen to know. 

Anyway, that's it. I think you need some more work on your astrological planets. While I can't actually keep you from saying things that are downright stupid, I had to come out and defend my peeps. 

The fact is that you're outnumbered and verbally outgunned, you cretin. So take your idiotic, trite, abusive, nasty, pointed Gemini jabs and save them for someone who has fucks to give.

Communicatively yours, 


PS: I meant what I said the last time I took over this blog. You're still a jerkface in addition to everything else. I wanted to make sure you knew. 

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