Mars: Shrimpie! How the fuck are you doin'?
Pluto: How many times have I asked you not to call me that, dickhead?
Mars: [chuckles] Does it matter?
Pluto: It will when I slash the tires on your 86 Corvette, asshole.
Mars: Dude, you need to chill and learn to take a joke.
Pluto: The joke's on you when you wear that clingy body suit to work out. It's not going to increase the size of your package to show it to the world!
Mars: Chicks dig me in that body suit!
Pluto: Weren't we supposed to be here doing something for John? I told him I would as a favor to him.
Mars: For me, it's community service for fucking up the gift for his anniversary a while back. I owe him big.
Pluto: Anyway, what Bam-Bam here is trying to say is that we're here to...
Mars: Dude, I know what we're here for!
Pluto: [glares] Mars, was I talking to you?
Mars: FINE. And dude, that stare is some scary shit.
Pluto: One of the reasons John sent me tonight is that for many of you, nuking 2016 seems like a great idea. So he asked me to come give this year a proper sendoff. And the reason he sent Mars is because Mars fucked up.
Mars: I should be off getting some, man. And I'll be busy soon with all the people who will start going to the gym in the next week! Woo hooo! Go me!
Pluto: My apologies, good people. My erectile friend has apparently not allowed the reason for this message to penetrate the thick skull of his extremely small brain. So it will fall to me to wish you a very New Year 2017.
Mars: Wait a second--"very new"? How can it be "very new"?
Pluto: Because the old year really sucked for so many people, I'm highlighting the fact that the new year is a clean slate, just like a building that has been razed and no trace of the old structure is left. In this case, however, we'll skip the nuclear winter.
Mars: [confused] Sure, whatever, Pluto. Did you say what John told you to say?
Pluto: Not totally, my Cro-magnon pal. Actions speak louder than words. John would like to take a moment to thank all of you for supporting him, reading his blog, blah blah blah...you know the drill. He also published a book but since it wasn't about me, I don't really give a shit.
Mars: Did John tell people to work out more in the new year?
Pluto: [scans papers] Nope, I'm not seeing it here.
Mars: Good! That fat bastard shouldn't be telling other people to get to the gym anyway! Have you seen him recently?
Pluto: Mars, you are the reason we can't have nice things!
Mars: What do ya mean? He needs to go more!
Pluto: That was a dick thing to say. John's one of ours! And he goes at least 3 times a week.
Mars: If he was serious he'd double that!
Pluto: [rolls eyes] Thanks for tuning in, dear readers. In a few short hours, 2016 will be nothing but a memory. My advice: Time to bulldoze what you no longer need and start fresh. Nuke the shit out of everything and embrace 2017.
Mars: Are we done? Can I go now?
Pluto: Yes, asshat, get the fuck out of here.
Pluto: I wonder if tonight will be the night when Mars finds out I replaced his lubricant with Icy Hot ointment! Well, we'll all probably hear about it when it happens. I feel a little bad for whoever his partner is, but I'm sure I'll get over it.