Saturday, July 1, 2017

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Illegal Fireworks Causing Solar Flares

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Glad to see you all back again. Lady Moon, do we still have Saturn out?

Moon: Yes, sir. He's out until mid-August or so. We are still receiving his dispatches; I've scanned the pages for our records and left the originals on your desk. And I do have one motion on the floor that we tabled at our last meeting.

Sun: Absolutely, Lady Moon. Who proposed it?

Moon: [blushing] That would be me, sir. 

Sun: But you didn't SAY anything last time. 

Moon: I knew it was going to be tabled, sir, so I decided to just hold it until today. We all have to have our secrets sometimes. 

Sun: Well, can we hear it, Lady Moon, please?

Moon: Of course, sir. I'd like to propose that we no longer allow explosives of any kind in our office space.

Mars: Awww, come on, Lady Moon! REALLY?

Sun: There's a proposal on the floor, Mars, and you haven't asked to be recognized.

Mars: English, please, sir!

Sun: Stifle it until I call on you. 

Mars: [mumbles under his breath]

Sun: Mars, after our last conversation you really don't want to call me a "dickbag", if that's what I just heard. That term would be more appropriate for you, I would think.

Mercury: Sick burn, sir!

Mars: Sir, I just don't get why we can't have any FUN around here. 

Sun: [SIGH] Lady Moon, would you please outline your proposal and rationale?

Moon: Certainly, sir. Recently, as I rolled my chair into place next to my desk, I heard a number of loud, startling bangs. It turns out that someone had placed some bang caps on the wheels of my chair, and I was so startled I nearly fell. 

Sun: That sounds very unsettling, Lady Moon. 

Moon: It was.

Mercury: Is there any evidence to suggest who might have placed them, Lady Moon?

Moon: I can only think of one planet who might have done it. But I'd prefer not to call him out publicly. 

Sun: Mars, it sounds like you're against this proposal. Your rebuttal, please. 

Mars: Sure, I'll headbutt this stupid proposal! It's summertime right now and I'm like ready for some fun. And who doesn't like fireworks? [silence]

Venus: Mars, there's a time and place for fireworks. Luna's desk isn't that at any time.

Mars: It was just a joke. I wasn't trying to injure anyone! I just wanted a little shock and fun, that's all. 

Sun: Mars, any prank that could result in an injury to any of us cannot be allowed. So I'm afraid I must support Lady Moon.

Mars: Dude, like I didn't see that coming. Of course, you're going to back your girlfriend!

Moon: [blushes] I thank you for your consideration, sir, and am glad you understand the situation.

Sun: Please write up the policy, Lady Moon, and distribute it to all planets. And while we're at it...

Mercury: Sir, I also have some information to share. 

Sun: Concerning this matter, Mercury, or something else? 

Mercury: This matter, sir. My chair was similarly booby-trapped. Luckily I'm using one of those standing desks these days to save my back. 

Sun: [glares at Mars] Alright, young man. Who else did you prank?

Mars: Dude, you're fucking ruining this! Something like this will keep you on your toes!

Jupiter: I get what you were going for, Mars.

Mars: I'm glad YOU do, Jupiter. The rest of these planets can't have any fun at all. 

Sun: I want everyone to go to their offices right now and carefully check their personal space for evidence of bang caps or other tampering. Keep anything you find and submit it to Mercury. 

Moon: What about retrograde planets, sir?

Sun: I will personally accompany Mars to the offices of Saturn, Neptune, and Pluto as he dismantles his "surprises." 

Mars: Dude, can we at least leave Saturn's alone? I've spent weeks on it! 

Sun: How is that possible, Mars? That door is locked, and only Saturn and Lady Moon have the key.

Moon: Well the other matter I was going to discuss, sir, was the necessity to call a repair person for Saturn's office door. It was hanging off its hinges. 

Sun: WHAT?

Moon: Yes, sir. I'm not sure when it happened, but the door took a major beating. It may even need to be replaced.

Venus: Oh shit, Mars. 

Uranus: Uh oh. Solar flare time?

Sun: [glares at Mars] Mars, sometimes you act like an ignorant, self-centered, cro-Magnon, one-track-minded caveman with the intelligence of an unsaturated Froot Loop!

Mars: Dude! Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty"?

Sun: Mars, you're the only planet that enjoys "blowing shit up". What else am I supposed to think? And Saturn would blame me for not keeping you under control if I let you break down his office door--of all things--without coming down hard on you. This meeting is adjourned. Mars, you're with me. If the door needs to be replaced, it's coming out of your budget.

Mars: [under breath] Fuckin' dickbags.

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