Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Venus vs. Mars: Locker Room Duel

Moon: Venus, I agree with you, but are you absolutely sure you want to do this? This whole dueling idea is interesting, but still...

Venus: Yes, I do, Lady Moon. It's extremely important to me. 

Moon: Fair enough. As your second in this exercise, it's my duty to tell you that while I understand, you know you're not going to change Mars' mind about this. 

Venus: Yes, I know. And I understand how you feel, but I need to get this out. 

Moon: [nods] I'll make the call. The Sun will not be happy to be disturbed. [picks up desk phone] Sol, we need you for a few minutes. [pause] Yes, I understand it's July 4th. [pause] I'm very sorry to disturb you, but Venus feels this is important, and I'm her second in a "duel". [pause] No, not with real weapons. You have to act as second to Mars. [pause] [irritated] You should know better than to lie to me, Sol. Pause Offworld Trading Company and come out here...sooner begun, sooner done and all. [hangs up] Well, that didn't go well. When is Mars coming? 

Venus: He should be here anytime now. 

[The Sun's office door opens]

Sun: Tell me this is an elaborate prank, Luna. 

Moon: It's official business, Sol. 

Sun: Venus, this "duel" really can't wait?

Venus: I'm very sorry to disturb your fun, sir, but I need to make sure I'm heard. 

Sun: [SIGH] Fair enough. Let's do this.  I wish Pluto was here to be his second. Where's our boy?

[Mars enters]

Mars: Dude, you people called me back from the Jersey shore for this? The beaches were totally fucking empty...it was like they were closed or something! Didn't stop me and I had tons of room! So what the fuck?

Sun: Sit down, Mars. Believe it or not, I'm here to help you make this quick and as pain-free as it can be. And when I say pain-free, please know that's likely going to end up being a lie.

[Mars sits]

Moon: Venus feels that her honor has been...besmirched, and is asking to confront you on official terms. 

Mars: She could have just texted me!

Moon: I don't think that would have satisfied her in this case, Mars. Venus, would you...?

Venus: Thank you, Lady Moon. I have a recent report from a locker room, which is a place that is ruled by you, Mars.

Mars: So?

Venus: I have it on good authority that a man said, and I quote: "I learned that if you have a fast car and lots of money, they [women] don't give a shit about anything else. Women are whores!" He was in said locker room talking to a younger man.

Mars: Yeah? So? Why is this even a thing? What the fuck am I missing? 

[Venus becomes visibly red in the face]

Venus: It happened in a locker room, Mars. This is an insult to women everywhere, and I demand satisfaction!

Mars: Ummmm, Venus, are you like, on your cycle or something?

Moon: Uh oh.

Venus: [Pause] I BEG YOUR PARDON??

Mars: Well, I know when you start hitting your retrograde cycle you start to get mad all the time.

Sun: Ladies, I'd like a moment to confer with my man, please. Mars, could you come over here? Like...NOW?

Mars: I'm just sayin'. I just want to know if she's "on the ret" or not!

Venus: [takes deep breath] Sir, I'm going to say this as plainly as I can. I suggest you talk some sense into your "man" before I let loose on him and you have to fill a vacancy.

Sun: Mars, please...

Mars: [stands up] No, sir. [to Venus] You want an answer? Here's your fucking answer, because I'm not backing down this time. Bitch, I have been kicked around a whole lot lately, and I'm fucking sick of it! Get off your goddamn high horse! So what if a guy said it? So what if it was in a locker room? That's one of the few goddamn places that women haven't tried to take over! I may not be smart, Venus, but I'm asking the same fucking question over and over because you haven't answered it yet: WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING POINT?

Venus: That you think this is somehow okay, Mars. It's totally unacceptable!

Mars: Men in locker rooms talk that way! Tell me women don't have the "all men are dogs/pigs/assholes" conversation in women's locker rooms!

Venus: That's just it! We don't! 

Moon: Not in any I've been in, Mars.

Sun: As much as it pains me to say so as your second, Mars, I have to say that I've never heard that kind of talk in a men's locker room, either. 

Mars: I'm gonna say this once. Whatever it was you heard, Venus, I didn't say it! The old dude was probably trying to show that he had a bigger dick than the younger dude. Men are going to do that sometimes! They're MEN!

Venus: Well, if you had been there, would you have said something?

Mars: FUCK NO! If a guy really said that I'm not changing his mind anyway! Amirite? Sir, feel free to jump in...

Sun: I say this reluctantly, but Venus, Mars does have a point, as incredibly strange as that sounds coming out of my mouth.

Venus: Are you saying YOU agree with the sentiment, sir?

Sun: Of COURSE I don't! It makes me nauseous to even hear of someone saying it. But you can't blame Mars for all the stuff that happens in a Mars-ruled place. That's not fair to him. It would be like saying we blame you for everything that happens in a plastic surgery center or a beauty salon, and I'm sure similar conversations degrading men as a whole have occurred in these venues. Correct, Venus?

Venus:  [pause] I...I'm not sure...but even so...it's not the same...

Mars: [shouting] OH, THAT'S CONVENIENT! I CALL BULLSHIT! How about FUCK AND YOU!  I CALL BULLSHIT ON THIS WHOLE THING. AND I'M OUT! Punish me again if you want, sir, but HANDLE IT! I'm not sticking around to hear the rest of this FUCKING BULLSHIT! [singing] And all I do is win win win no matter what! [storms out]

Sun: OK, so that could have gone better. Was that the reaction you expected, Venus?

Venus: No, but until we start to take a stand against talk like this, I'm prepared to fight with him as often as necessary, sir. It's like saying "boys will be boys", sir. 

Sun: No, I don't agree with that statement, just like I don't agree with what was said in the locker room. And I'm repulsed by the behavior. But honestly, this could have been handled better, Venus. I don't want to have something like this happen again; directly antagonizing the bully of the zodiac does not seem like a smart idea. [Pause] Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Lady Moon. I'll retire to my office now, but there's no need for you to stay any longer today. [enters office and closes door]

Moon: I told you, honey, that nothing good was coming out of this conversation.

Venus: I made my point, Luna. To me it's a win. 

Moon: I'm glad you see it that way. [Sigh] Come on with me, Venus. Bothering the Sun again today is not a smart idea. Let's go get comfort food. 

No comments:

Post a Comment