Interview with Jupiter, Part 1

John: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my pleasure to… 

Jupiter: [game show announcer voice] NOW INTRODUCING THE ASTROLOGICAL PLANET THAT REQUIRES NO INTRODUCTION! THE ONE AND ONLY JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPITERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHOOP WHOOP!!! [pumps fist repeatedly] 

John: [glowers and crosses arms] I’ll wait. [pause] 

Jupiter: Oh, come on! You were going to introduce me the same way as everyone else? 

John: [pause and collects himself] You start off by doing an over-the-top introduction to say you don’t need an introduction?

Jupiter: [thinks] OH YEAH! I guess I did do that! 

John: You’re supposed to be the philosophical planet, right? 

Jupiter: [smiles] The rumors are true! 

John: Well, how about the philosophy of allowing the guy who writes the blog to introduce the guest? 

Jupiter: For the record, we’re more like FAMILY! I mean…this whole guest nonsense… 

John: Semantics! You’re just trying to justify overstepping your bounds, Jupiter. I’m not prepared to continue until I receive an apology. 

Jupiter: [contrite] I might have gotten a teensy bit carried away? 

John: Quite. 

Jupiter: FINE. [pause] I am very sorry, dear sir, and declare that I will… 

John: That’s more than enough, Jupiter. Thank you for that. I accept your apology. [picks up iPad] So why don’t you start by telling us about yourself? 

Jupiter: Dude, are you kidding? Everybody knows Jupiter! Why should I need to? I am the most well-liked astrological planet, to be sure, and enjoy a wonderful reputation. 

John: You do have a wonderful reputation for many people. But this interview is for people who might not know you very well, so I ask you kindly to indulge us. 

Jupiter: It’s not hard being so popular, I’ll give you that! When you’re the greater benefic and all. 

John: But let me correct your earlier statement: You are not the most-liked planet. 

Jupiter: Bullshit! No one is more enjoyed than I am. 

John: Honestly, I’d say Venus is. Do you want me to ask Mercury to poll a few people and provide some hard data. 

Jupiter: [hesitates] Well, I don’t think that’s strictly necessary, John. We all know the truth, right? 

John: It’s fascinating that you said that, Jupiter, because that’s exactly where I want to start. 

Jupiter: Oooooooooooooooooooooh! Getting serious right out of the gate? Do I get Mike Wallace, Leslie Stahl, Barbara Walters, or Howard Stern? 

John: Worse. You get me. 

Jupiter: Your reputation as a tough interviewer precedes you, John. At least that’s what I could get out of that planetary jock strap before he left on his retrograde vacation. Mostly what he kept repeating was about how you had all his favorite wing flavors, and I was confused but decided not to pursue that line of inquiry. But other than that he said, and I quote, “That dude fucking rocked my world, man!”