Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Saturn Retrograde: Better Late Than Never

John: [dials phone] Come on, Old Man. I know you're on retrograde but pick up the phone! [rings] Come on...I need to talk to you! [rings]

Saturn: [answering machine picks up] "Hello. You've reached the home of Saturn, greater malefic. Please have the discipline to wait until this entire message is through before you begin to leave your own message, which I will answer once my retrograde is over on August 13, 2016. May your patience be rewarded!" [Beeeeeeeeep]

John: Saturn, it's John. I really need to talk to you, regarding...

Saturn: [phone picks up] John! How are you? 

John: I'm really sorry to bother you, Old Man...

Saturn: Not at all, not at all! I'm just enjoying my retrograde. Glad you caught me...I'm leaving on my trip tomorrow.

John: Wait, you're taking a vacation?

Saturn: Young man, who do you think I am? Jupiter? Of course not a vacation! Consider it "business travel".  Anyway, I'm in retrograde a good deal of the time, and I take those time to go out into the world and see how my influence is affecting people.

John: Sounds like a lot of work, actually.

Saturn: On the contrary! It's one of the best parts of my job. So, why don't you tell me how I can help you?

John: You seem almost...happy, Saturn. Is everything OK?

Saturn: It's a good time for me! In the United States, taxes are being filed at a furious rate now, and I revel in it when people fulfill their obligations. And Mars has been telling me of your discipline at the gym. A sweaty business, to be sure, but you are showing true Saturnian character by going so often. So I wanted you to know that I noticed and appreciate your efforts. 

John: Very kind of you, Old Man.

Saturn: But that's not the reason for your call. You have something more serious on your mind for such a young man, and when you call me at home, you're not ready to hurl insults at me. You only do that on your blog. But I'm even ready to forgive that for the moment since I'm in such a non-Saturnian place. 

John: I am a little put off by this, but I'm prepared to do something I would prefer not to do: Ask a very direct and potentially rude question of you. 

Saturn: [Pause] Go on.

John: They say that "Jupiter promises, but Saturn pays." I need to know: Do you really pay off eventually? Because I've got my first job interview in eight years tomorrow and I want to know if I've got a shot at this job.

Saturn: What kind of question is that? You're one of my people! Who would be better qualified than YOU?

John: I've thought that before, Saturn, and in a shocking turn of events, I agree with you. But why would you wait so long before even presenting me with this opportunity? Excuse my French, but eight fucking years...!

Saturn: You and your language, John...disappointing. [Pause] Look, eight years is nothing!

John: Well, those of us down here on earth are lucky to make two Saturn returns and are blessed if there are three. I've been waiting over a quarter of your cycle for this to appear. And now it's within my reach.

Saturn: I can't guarantee success, John. If your studies have taught you nothing, only hard work and dedication bring about success. 

John: So no hints at all on the outcome?

Saturn: You're the psychic, John. Or perhaps Neptune might have been a better choice for this conversation.

John: I should have known. Sorry to bother you on your retrograde. Perhaps we'll talk again when you get back. 

Saturn: Don't hang up! [Pause] No matter what happens, John, you have my blessing. And no matter what you have thought of me in the past, I hope you will know that I am pulling for you.

John: Thank you, Old Man. That means a lot. 

Saturn: Now if you'll excuse me I have to make sure I pack enough notepads. They never run out of electricity on long flights. And mechanical pencils. I LOVE those things!

John: See you in August, Saturn. 

Saturn: Goodbye, young man. Good luck tomorrow! And by the way, if you get this job, I need a favor. 

John: If I get this job, you can have anything you want. 

Saturn: You can thank me by not casting any aspersions my way for six months. I'll take the good PR. 

John: I've waited EIGHT YEARS and you want six months of good press? NO WAY! I will offer you 90 days. 

Saturn: 120 days and not one day less. 

John: [SIGH] 120 days, Old Man. You pay off and so will I. Done and done. 

Saturn: Very well.  

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