Friday, November 18, 2016

A Special Message from Mars and Saturn!

Saturn: Greetings! We, the malefics, are here on John's behalf...

Mars: What the fuck else is new? We're always here doing his dirty work, but at least we're doing SOMETHING. Amirite?!

Saturn: Young man, your language is atrocious. 

Mars: Dude what are you sayin'?

Saturn: [frowns but pulls out a piece of paper and reads off of it] "Dude, your language sucks!"

Mars: Now THAT I get!

Saturn: I'm trying to follow the guidelines of your...speech patterns. Your lexicon is exceptionally limited.

Mars: Speak fucking English to the people, you old fucking scrotum sack!

Saturn: Neanderthal! [mumbles] Oh, I hate when he has us do these together!

Mars: You make it too hard, dude! And I'm not talking about my junk, either. 

Saturn: [sickened] Mars, with you here, my message will lack a certain decorum, dignity, style, or composure. 

Mars: Whatever. I'm not standing here with my thumb up my ass all night. I've got shit to DO. We're here to thank John's astrology students with the Tradition of the Witches Circle. You people fucking ROCK!

Saturn: John is extremely pleased with your achievements. The Saturnian discipline and focus you have shown over the past six months have helped you make steady progress in understanding us better. 

Mars: [Nodding] What the Old Man said. 

Saturn: While your journey in astrology is just beginning, John wished to convey his heartfelt appreciation for your Saturnian efforts, even though, if we're being honest, John didn't have anything to do with it. 

Mars: Yes he did! I didn't see YOUR saggy ass in the classroom, Mr. Knee Replacement. John taught that class. You didn't have anything to do with it. 

Saturn: I beg your pardon? Without me, those students would still be reading books that call me "an old devil." Considering who their teacher is, I'm surprised he had anything good to say about me at all. 

Mars: You, the students, put the energy in and you all did fantastically! Fucking awesome achievement! Don't listen to this geezer and get discouraged. Astrology's like a marathon, but you all can do it! Don't let Mr. Depression here get you down! Get it? I KILL MYSELF  SOMETIMES! Amirite?!

Saturn: [low] I sure wish you'd try and do us all a favor.



Mars: Now this is the kind of blog I like. Time to fuck off, Mr. Geritol. Got shit to do.

Saturn: The Sun will hear of your conduct, young man. Mark my words.

Mars: What the fuck ever. I'll call you when I care. Which will be never since you don't text. Square! Hey that even rhymed! 

Saturn: Even a broken clock is right twice a day, Mars. 

Mars: Here we go again? WHAT?

Saturn: [pulls out paper making a face] "Why don't you..." No, I just can't bring myself to say that. There are always limits.


  1. Creative and fun as always. I can totally see Saturn and Mars being like this. You bring the planets to life.