Sun: Good morning, everyone! I know you're all ready to get back to work. Lady Moon, get us started, please.
Moon: Yes, sir. It looks like everyone's here today. I feel so much more secure when I can see everyone.
Sun: What's on our agenda today, Luna?
Moon: Well mainly it's trying to catch up with our favorite blogger. He's been on the go pretty much for the past two weeks. And any other matters planets would like brought to the table, of course.
Jupiter: Yup! I'm prominent in his solar return. Time for him to get out and be seen. He's also sold some books, which I'm ecstatic about.
Mercury: Are we going to talk about the US election?
Sun: No, Merc. We're not going to discuss the election.
Moon: It makes too many people uncomfortable or upset, Merc.
Mercury: But you said we could bring topics to the table.
Sun: I'm vetoing that one. Sorry.
Mercury: Not even in a non-partisan, information exchange, "everone-is-ok-no-matter-how-they-voted-so-let's-sing-Kum-Bah-Yah-around-the-campfire-like-we-did-when-we-were-kids-and-didn't-hate-on-principle" sort of way?
Sun: Nope. We don't get into that sort of thing. Suffice it to say that most astrologers' predictions were completely wrong. I suspect many of them allowed their human biases get in the way of the analysis, which is always a bad idea.
Saturn: With respect, sir, I completely agree with you.
Mercury: [Looks at Saturn] You don't look well, old man.
Saturn: The whole process gave me fits. If the Sun hadn't contacted me directly asking for my attendance today, I'd have stayed home.
Sun: And that's precisely the reason we're not going to talk about it. Well, one of the many.
Mercury: [SIGH] FINE.
Venus: I'll be happy to listen to you later, Merc, if you still want to talk about it.
Mars: Seriously, people, fuck that shit. Let's do something instead of sitting here touching ourselves. I can do that on my own time.
Pluto: Yeah, dude. We know. HAHAHAHA!
Mars: What are you laughing at, Orgasm King?
Pluto: You won't like what I say next, Neanderthal!
Sun: Gentlemen, PLEASE. Anyway, Mercury, please brief us on what John learned over the past few weeks.
Mercury: Hard to say, sir. His brain is a sloppy mess of knowledge right now, and he's trying to write his next book. I do know he learned a ton both at the school and at the conference. Word on the street is that he brought home some books, too. But it's going to take a while to assimilate all the information.
Uranus: Much of what he learned at the astrology conference this time involved the outer planets, sir. I'm thrilled to say that his knowledge of how we work increased significantly.
Neptune: One of the presentations was called "Locked In!" by Brad Kochunas, and while it featured me and Pluto, I'm not sure how I feel about being part of people creating prisons for themselves.
Pluto: Nep, you've gotta get over that. Personally, I'm a huge fan of this talk. This Kochunas guy KNOWS me. John walked away with a much clearer focus on what I'm doing up here. But everyone needs to hear this one!
Moon: And our itinerant blogger did learn a lot about me in my progressed form as well. It gives John a chance to see me in a different light than his usual Capricorn Moon self, which is, if I might say, somewhat limiting.
Saturn: Lady Moon, I'm just doing my job. But I must say once again this year that people seemed to have a very positive attitude toward me. And since our blogger friend hasn't written anything bad about me in a bit, I grudgingly accept that as progress.
Mars: Give him time, Old Man. I'm sure he'll be back to slapping you around. I have every faith in him. And can I remind you that I'm STILL John's almuten?
Uranus: Saturn has to turn the thumbscrews in people's charts because he's always looking for more control. It's in Saturn's nature to cut off people's balls, right, Old Man? I sure would know...
Saturn: I beg your pardon, Uranus?
Uranus: Come on. You know what I mean! [chuckles]
Sun: Before this meeting gets too far off the rails, and unless people have other topics to propose, I have something I'd like to bring up.
Moon: Yes, sir. The floor is yours!
Neptune: [distant] Actually, it's mine. And it's so COOL! GROOVY.
[Everyone looks at Neptune's chair, which is now empty]
Saturn: Neptune, it's hard to take you seriously, but it's practically impossible when you're lying on the floor!
[Everyone looks over at Neptune on the floor]
Sun: Well, before anyone decides to join Neptune on the floor, it's probably best to end here. The topic I had in mind requires more seriousness than we typically have in these meetings. Maybe I'll just send an email that most of you won't read. We're adjourned.
Saturn: I should never have gotten out of bed this morning. [SIGH] We were seven planets once, and everything was fine.
Neptune: Saturn, you may rule the joints, but you certainly aren't smoking enough of them.