Venus vs. Mars: What I Hate About You

[aggressive knocking]

Mars: I'm coming! Cut the guy a break...it's Sunday afternoon! [opens door] OH SHIT! Venus!

Venus: You've been ditching my calls and texts!

Mars: I've been sort of busy. But if you're here to give me my Yule present early, I could make time for that...

Venus: [shocked] YOU PIG! You know why I'm here! 

Mars: Well, then why don't you come in so we can fight properly? Let's get it on!

Venus: Thank you!

[Mars closes door]

Venus: Are you going to offer to take my coat?

Mars: Fuck no. Chuck it right there on the couch like everyone else does. Since you came all the way over here to yell at me I'm not in the mood to be...[thinks hard]

Venus: [eye roll] "Chivalrous" is likely what you're looking for. 

Mars: Yeah. That's it...nice and manly and shit, right?

Venus: [gently places coat on couch] You really do want to do this the hard way, Mars. I hate that about you. You could do your thing and take a lady's coat but you have to push my buttons.

Mars: You have lost your fucking mind, Venus! You walk in here without telling me you're coming in the middle of NFL Sunday to scream at me. That's some bullshit right there. And since when is taking your coat "my thing"?!

Venus: Have you been watching anything other than sports for the last six weeks?

Mars: For fuck's sake, Venus, I've seen what's going on. Jupiter moving into Scorpio has really fucked some shit up.

Venus: That's one way of putting it. Women are pissed! They're tired of men groping them and sexually harassing them. They've just had it. 

Mars: And women have a right to be pissed. And so do men! And what I hate about you is that you're so angry about women being angry that you don't even think about what men are feeling! 

Venus: [deep breath]  I didn't want to come over here to confront you, but I felt like I had to.

Mars: We did this over the summer, too, Venus. And just like the last time, it's going to be a total waste of time! Just watch.

Venus: I hate that I'm the one who has to bring this up, and I hate that you don't seem to care at all!

Mars: That's where you're wrong, Venus. I do care. I'm just not good at talking about what I'm feeling, OK? And because I suck at it, I don't DO it. It's much more simple than you think. AND I don't think people are gonna like what I have to say.

Venus: I'm a good listener, Mars. So instead of making me goad you until I make you made enough for you to shout at me, why don't you just--

Mars: FINE! I'm angry, OK? I'm angry that we have to have this discussion! I'm angry that you think you're better than I am because men can act like assholes and women are held to a different standard! I'm angry that even while you want men to evolve you still want us to do shit like hang up your fucking jacket and hold the fucking door! I'm angry that many women hate us! I'm angry that the shit that men do to women is the main REASON why women hate us! And I'm supremely fucking pissed that I'm bombarded in the news by men who have done despicable things to women that I feel like I have to evaluate every fucking word I've ever said to a woman and wonder if I was out of line, even when I've done nothing wrong! Because what's real right now? My penis proves that I'm fucking wrong, even when I'm innocent, and because I have a dick I'm guilty, and that's how it is these days! OH and let me not forget that YOU, as the astrological planetary representative of vaginas, are going to barge into my home on fucking Sunday afternoon and interrupt my favorite day of the week and fucking emasculate me! THERE! HAPPY NOW?! [breathing heavily]

Venus: [smiles] Feel better?

Mars: [catching breath] Yeah, I guess so. That was a lot.

Venus: Yes, it was. 

Mars: Listen...

Venus: You have nothing to apologize for, Mars. You're feelings are legitimate and they deserve to be heard. I hate the way you express your feelings, but I'm glad you said them just the same. [stands up] It's obvious that we still have a lot of work to do, Mars. And when I say "we", I really do mean you AND me. 

Mars: True. And for what it's worth, Venus, women need to keep standing up to men who act like dirtbags. It's time for them to fight back. But treating all men like we're out to disrespect or grope or sexually harass women, well...that's not gonna work, and you fucking know it.

Venus: [picks up coat off the couch] For what it's worth, I hate to fight with you. 

Mars: [gets up and opens the door]  I hate that I love to fight with you, Venus. And I hate having to do this on Sunday afternoon. You're lucky I have DVR so I didn't miss any of the game!

Venus: Text me later? After the game?

Mars: Yes, after the game. Now get lost. Nicely. [smiles]