All Planets Serve the Sun, Part 1

Saturn: Hello Lady Moon. Are you recovered from your most recent eclipse!

Moon: Yes, Saturn, I'm getting there. Thank you for asking. Jupiter's not with you?

Saturn: No, he isn't. I can't keep control of him...no planet can. 

Jupiter [running up to the Moon's desk]: I'm here! I think I took on a little too much...

Saturn: Imagine. 

Moon: Be nice, Old Man.

Sun: [shouting from the next room]: Are those two knuckleheads here yet?

[Saturn winces; Jupiter blushes]

Moon: [blushing slightly; raising her voice] Yes, Sol. They've just arrived. 

Sun: [shouting] Tell them to get their collective posteriors in here right now!

Jupiter: [chuckles] Our "collective posteriors", huh? Fascinating!

Moon: [holds up a jar with money in it] New year, new Sol. Every time he swears, money goes in the meeting snack fund. 

Jupiter: Nice, Lady Moon! 

Saturn: A little more civility would be great around here, Jupiter. We don't need to expand people's waistlines, though...I don't agree with that part of it. 

Moon: What you will like, Old Man, is that each time the penalty increases by a dollar. And he's already up to $5 today; to ease the pain of it I reset the counter each night. And he gets two free passes before he gets charged. 

[Saturn suppresses a smirk]

Jupiter: I didn't think you knew how to do that anymore, you old bastard!

Saturn: Jupiter! Some decorum, please.

Sun: LUNA! You want to see me really fill that thing up??

Moon: [beaming] I'd suggest you get your asses in there. 

[Jupiter and Saturn head in. The Moon shuts the door behind them]

Sun: Good afternoon, gentlemen. Nice of you to drop by, while the world is imploding!

Saturn: Sir, if you're referring to boundaries...

Sun: How astute of you, Old Man. Yes, the large boundary that is in the news these days is what concerns me. I am excremently unhappy about what's going on with the United States. 

Jupiter: Sir, did you mean "extremely"?

Sun: No, I did not. I meant what I said! Luna has ears everywhere so I have to find other words to use to vent my displeasure or I end up getting charged for it. And at this rate, I'll be bringing a fucking four-course meal for everyone to our next meeting!

Saturn: Sir, that was...

Sun: I know, Saturn. I know! 18 days of this crap as they turn one of the most powerful nations on earth into some kind of free-for-all! So let me try to civil about this. [resettles in his chair and tries to smile] I'd like to ask you both in the most reasonable, restrained manner possible what you are doing to address the current crisis. 

[Jupiter and Saturn share a frightened look]

Jupiter: Well, sir, I'm looking into different options...I've asked Saturn if maybe he could, you know, help people temper the extreme need for boundaries...no matter what they might be called...[nods at Saturn]

Saturn: And I've asked Jupiter if he could help governmental organizations think about the big picture of this situation. He's good at that. [looks at Jupiter]

Sun: [smiling] That's excellent. Really good to hear. But I what I suspect you gentlemen lack is a fundamental understanding of how serious this matter has become.

Jupiter: Sir, we really do understand.

Sun: I'm sorry, Jupiter, but no, YOU FUCKING DON'T!

[Saturn and Jupiter sit back in their chairs]

Jupiter: [whispers to Saturn] Well, there goes civility!

Sun: I have not had a moment's peace since it started!  I have Venus calling me hourly...800,000 Americans aren't getting paychecks and that is affecting spending across the globe. Mercury is warning me of travel problems that are going to arise, and Uranus specifically mentioned air travel being impacted.

Saturn: You can't really fault any society for wanting to be safe, sir. I know there are growing pains, but long-term it will be for the best. And most people can afford to be without a check for a little while...

Sun: Safety has nothing to do with it, Saturn. Humans are going to build boundaries; I get that. It's been that way since the human race began. I can't stop us vs. them, but could you help us put a leash on it?

Jupiter: That's what I've been trying to tell him, sir. Ancient bastard won't listen, that's all.

Sun: You're really not going to sit there and cast blame as the planet that rules government, right? Because that might earn you a lot more meeting snacks!

Jupiter: Honestly, sir, donuts, bagels, and coffee would be lovely. 

Sun: Let me remind you of something, Jupiter: All planets serve the Sun.

Jupiter: Philosophically, sir...I don't know that I agree...at least not all the time.

Sun: CUT THE BULLSHIT, JUPITER! You can fuck around all you want, but I want a solution and I want it yesterday. 

Jupiter: Sir, I'm not sure what you expect me to do...

Sun: You've been in ostrich pose hoping this would go away, right? That all this would blow over and you could go back to convincing people to spend more and save less? [Pause] ANSWER ME!

Jupiter: Sorta. 

Sun: Hmph. Figures! That's why you're not getting anyplace! But if I'm going to be stuck with you two jackoffs, then I will hound you until you figure something out! 

Saturn: You understand, sir, that I have to report your swearing to Lady Moon!

Sun: [turns to Saturn] You are the most stubborn bastard in the universe, so of COURSE you're going to fucking report me! Fine. She hears me anyway! But mark my words: You've seen me restrained up until now. Luna had to convince me to not rip you a new fucking asshole in a full staff meeting over this shit. So get the fuck out of here and get me a solution. You two are on the clock until you figure it out! 

Jupiter: So your place or mine, Old Man?

Saturn: Mine, at least to start. This could take a while. 

Sun: Move your asses, gentlemen. TODAY! NOW GO!

[Jupiter and Saturn get up and walk out of the office. Luna is standing by the door holding a steno notebook].

Luna: Thank you for providing catering for the next meeting, gentlemen. I counted 12. [louder] You're up to $17 for today, Sol. So far you're looking at...[writes on page]...[softly] carry the one...$125. [Louder] Buck and a quarter, sir. 

Sun: [yelling] That is FUCKING BULLSHIT, Luna! There is NO FUCKING WAY that number is right!

Luna: [turning to Jupiter and Saturn and handing them each a slip of paper] Please mark down your favorite flavors of donut and bagel from the choices listed, gentlemen. I know our next meeting will be a filling one. [beaming]